Excited about 2010!!!

New Year's Eve is a special time for me because it is the night that my hubby proposed to me! It was 12 years ago tonight that I said yes to him and I have never regretted it, even with the trials of infertility. But through the years infertility has stolen some of the joy of this holiday. I would try to think of all the promises that the new year would bring, but inevitably I would reflect on all of the failures of the past year. Our childless home seems even emptier during this time of the year.

This year is very different as it is the first year that I carry the hope of a new life inside of me. When 2009 began it was filled with empty arms and jealousy over my sister's pregnancy. It ends with my own pregnancy. I look back and wonder how I got here. Twelve months ago I had no hope, no plan to add to our family. We had considered embryo adoption but it seemed like a far off dream. Yet God brought us through some trials and we ended with a positive pregnancy test! It amazes me how we ended up here.

So far I feel very well. I am almost 6 weeks, so it is still very early. Being as that I am not very far along I struggle with worry and fear. Today I had spotting and cramping and it was a challenge to relax and trust Him. I wanted to rush to the ER and have them tell me that everything was fine. But the spotting was not bad enough to do that so I put my feet up and prayed. It has since subsided and I am thankful for that. I pray that 2010 brings us a full term healthy bambino or two, but that is up to Him. We trust our little one(s) to His care and are trying to rest in that He will do what is best.

So 2010........let's get started!!!!

Bloodhound

So I am sitting here in the living room and I keep smelling bananas. It has been driving me crazy for the past hour! Finally I realized that it was the 2 bananas in my kitchen. They are just now ripe so there is no reason for the to "smell". And they are about 25 feet away from me so I am surprised that I can smell that at all. I feel like a bloodhound!!! I can smell odors (good and bad) before I even enter a house. I went to my mom's house the other day and I could tell what she was cooking almost as soon as I got out of the car.

Other than this and most foods tasting different I have no other symptoms. I was worried about it before but now I am just enjoying it. There is 8 months for me to be ill, so I will take advantage of this time that I am feeling well.

I have begun purchasing maternity clothing. Yes, I know that it is early, but plus size maternity is a little more difficult to find and quite expensive. So far I have purchased 2 skirts from Ebay and a top from a resale shop. Not a lot, but enough to make me feel like I have accomplished something. Hopefully I have twins and will start to show within the next two months!!! Less than 2 weeks to go before we know how many!!!! WOO!

Subtle Symptoms

Whoever thought that getting a pregnant would end the worrying was completely wrong!!! Before I found out that I was pg I worried that I would never get pg. Now that I am I am worried that something will go wrong. I don't sit around in constant fear, but the thought is always in the back of my mind. Especially right now as we wait another 2 weeks for our first ultrasound. I think the wait would be easier to endure if I had something more than subtle symptoms.

Had we gotten pg naturally and I felt like I do now I would have no idea that I was even pg. I am a little moody, but not too bad. PMS was much worse than this is right now. I find that I get tired sometimes, but nothing too noticeable. I have an under active thyroid so that is something that I deal with anyway. My boobs are sore, but again, PMS did that one too. The only things that are different are my sense of smell and taste. I can smell everything!!!! And many foods taste different. I have very little appetite as well. I had morning sickness 2-3 nights but nothing too bad. All things that could be explained away by some other condition or issue.

I know that I should be very thankful to be feeling so well while others suffer miserably with their pregnancies. And I am glad that I am not ill all of the time. But while morning sickness is not fun it is reassuring. Waiting is the pits!!!!! I am praying that I can overcome these fears and enjoy this pregnancy. I don't want to spend the entire time between appointments living in fear, missing the joys of carrying a child.

My cup runneth over

I am sitting here by the Christmas tree this morning and thinking of all that happened this year. This year has been a special one but not just because of the pregnancy. God has brought me through some trials this year and I have come out the other side a stronger person. My faith has been tried and tested and though I hated it at the time I am now thankful for who it has made me.

Many of you are doing the same, reflecting on the year. For many of you it is a painful process. Your hearts are breaking because there is still no little one to wrap gifts for, no end in sight to this infertility nightmare. You may feel empty, bereft or just numb. Whatever you are feeling right now please know that I am praying for you as I type this. I am praying that you feel His loving arms wrapped tightly around you this Christmas day.

Last year my thoughts were much different than they are now. We had just passed our 10 year ttc anniversary the October before Christmas 2008. Ten very long years. Ten years of ovulation tests, semen analysis, laparoscopies, blood work, ultrasounds, surgeries, you name it. Ten years of hopelessness and loss of our adoption dreams and one daughter that we tried to adopt. Ten years of tears, angry shouts to God, and despair. Ten years of watching my friends conceive their first, second, third and even fourth child. What hurt almost as much as not having children yet was having no hope. We could not afford IVF or adoption and our problems were too severe for other fertility treatments. We had decided to pursue embryo adoption at some point but even that seemed too far out of our reach. I had nothing to hold on to.

This year has brought me to a far different place than the last ten years. A place that I marvel at each and every day. I am pregnant. Just saying those words gives me goosebumps! I had begun to truly believe that I would never be here. But I look back now and see something I did not see before. Though we were ready to be parents our baby(s) was not ready to be born. I had always thought that this was about me/us, but there was a bigger picture. Had one thing been different we would not be having this particular child(ren). These embryos would have gone to a different home, possibly one that would not tell them about Jesus. Maybe this child(ren) will grow up in our home, accept Christ as there Saviour, and lead many others to Him. I don't know if that is what will happen, but I do know that God has a purpose for this little life and now is the appointed time.

Transitioning to new blog

I don't know how many times I have found an infertility blog that interested me only to find that it is now all about a pregnancy. I have rejoiced that they finally became pregnant but I had no interest in following it at that time in my life. I decided when I started my blog that I would create a new blog if/when I became pregnant and that is what I have done. My pregnancy blog can be found here: http://childiprayed.blogspot.com. I will still keep this blog and update occasionally in regards to infertility as it will always be a part of who I am. The new blog will be my active blog and if any of you would like to follow it please feel free to do so. I do understand though that there will be many of you that may not be able to handle it at this time and I completely understand and support that. Also the new blog is under a completely different email address so it does not show under my blog list. I wanted to keep them separate in case I wanted to invite family to read it.

Hope to see some of you there!!!

Survivor's Guilt

The past few days have been wrought with feelings of survivor's guilt. I love that I am now pregnant and that my waiting is over, but I hurt for those still waiting. I feel as though I have abandoned my infertile sisters. Like a traitor. I also feel relief that I have finally crossed to the "other side" and that makes for even more guilt. The truth is that for so many years I was the one that "left behind". I have paid my dues (11 years worth) and it is finally my turn, but it does not remove the pain of leaving others behind.

I am also struggling with where I fit in. I am still an infertile and the years of ttc will always be a part of who I am. This struggle has shaped who I am today. It has made me a survivor for I have kicked infertility's butt! For that I am proud!!! As painful as the last 11 years have been I can't forget them. It has now become a badge of honor. But now that I am going to be a mom don't I need to find my place there as well? How do I bridge the gap between the fertiles and infertiles? Which one am I? Am I both? I will never really be fertile, but I will be a mother. Yet becoming friends with fertiles feels like a betrayal to my infertile sisters.

I never realized how many emotions that I would be experiencing right now. I am praying that all of my infertile sisters would have their prayers answered this year!!!!

Welcome fellow ICLW-ers!

It is December ICLW week! (for those that don't know f it, follow the link to the right for more info). A little about me for those visiting for the first time:

My name is Jess and my hubby and I have been married for 11 years. We have been ttc the entire time but have had so many bumps in the road. I have endo, PCOS and blocked tube. He has Sertoli-cell Only which is a fancy way of saying no sperm. We tried 4 IUIs with no success and have had 2 failed adoptions. In December we had our first FET with donated embryos and it was successful!!! I am currently 4 weeks pregnant! We are still in complete shock. My first beta was 41 and today's was 163! Good numbers!!!!

Well, that about sums it up! I look forward to meeting some new friends this week!

Drumroll please!

I went to the clinic today and asked the nurse what my chances were of having my beta today. She said, "Oh, honey. We can but it is so early it could very possibly be negative." My response: "Well, what if I have 4 pg tests that say otherwise??". She hugged me, congratulated me and drew my blood. My beta was 41....definitely pregnant!!!!

I will have a repeat beta on Monday. Praying for the numbers to double!!!! We have now told most everyone. originally I had planned on not telling anyone for a few weeks just in case of an early loss. But now I have decided that no matter what happens I am going to enjoy each and every moment with this baby(s). And if, God forbid, something happens, then I will have the love and support of friends and family. So the secret is out!

Still in Shock!

I am still in complete and utter shock! Yesterday I used my last 4 pregnancy tests and started to panic because I couldn't test again today. So I went out to Wally World and bought a 2 pack of digital tests. This morning I woke up at 4 am and could not go back to sleep, I had to test again. Another positive! So that makes 4 different positives with 4 different brands of tests! A little obsessive, wouldn't you say? After that I couldn't fall back asleep so I talked hubby into taking me to breakfast at Cracker Barrel. He is getting ready now and I am sitting here surrounded my my positive tests. I just can't stop looking at them!!

I am driving to the clinic this morning and will call them from the parking lot to talk them into doing my beta today. We want to announce the pregnancy this Sunday at church when some friends are in town, but I would feel better doing so if I have a blood test to confirm. Considering I am almost out of all of my meds and need to order ASAP, I am really hoping that they will let me test today. If all else fails I will cry! Hey, what can I say? I am pregnant so I am allowed! Wow! I am pregnant!!!! I have always imagined what it would be like to say that but it feels so different actually doing it.

Because I got such an early BFP (5 days after transfer) I am hoping that it is twins! I am still a little scared that it is quads though! Dec 18 2009, 04:51 AM

Funny story: I have had a reoccurring dream of having quads. Hubby and I were out to eat at Chili's the other night and we ordered from their 2/$20 menu. We look down at our plates when they arrived and started laughing. I had ordered 4 mini tacos and he had 4 mini burgers. We prayed that it wasn't a "sign"!!!

I will update you all later!!

I think that it is safe to say.....

that I am

Officially Cautiously Optimistic

I am officially cautiously optimistic!!! Not sure if you can see the + sign or not, but it is there. Faint, but definitely there. It showed up within 2 minutes.

No BFP.....yet

Sorry to disappoint, but no BFP this morning. Here is where I am confused though: I took a 2nd test last night (at dh's insistence and knowing full well it would be negative as I had gone potty just 2 hours prior) and it was negative and when I checked it this morning no evap line, no surprise. Then this morning I took one at 7 am and waited a full hour and nothing. No evap, no nothing. I just checked it yet again and still nothing. So either that first test is a total fluke, this test is messed up, or I had a higher # yesterday and it is declining. I hate this whole 2WW thing!!!!

I am planning on going out today and buying a different brand test, but one that is still as sensitive. Maybe tomorrow I will have good news! Thanks for all of the prayers and encouragement everyone!

Evap line???

So I broke down and bought some HPTs at the dollar store today. I took one when I got home. And waited the allotted 3 minutes. Nothing. I left it there and an hour and half later went to throw it away and decided to check it one more time. Lo and behold there was a second line. Faint, but definitely there. I know that it went way too long to check, but these are A.) sensitive tests, B.) the same ones I use all of the time, and C.) have never, ever, ever had an evap line...EVER. Not once in 11 years! I am scared to hope, but can't help it! Please pray, ladies!!!!!!

So tired today!

I am about to fall sleep right now and it is only 4 pm. I went to bed about 11 pm last night and and was up from 5:30-7:30 am, then I laid back down until 9:30. So all in all I had over 8 hours of sleep. Should be plenty. All I did today was laundry, dishes and made my cake for class tonight. Not enough to make me this sleepy. Could it be from the bambinos??? Let's hope so!!!

I have not been nearly as moody today, but then again my hubby left at 6 am and I haven't seen anyone else all day. No one to really be mean to today. Other than that I am feeling fine. Still hoping for some morning sickness. Crazy, I know, but at least it would be a good, clear sign!

I ordered some pregnancy tests today. I was so proud of myself, thinking that I found a way to hold off testing for a few days waiting for them to arrive. The site said "Free 2-day shipping". That means Friday. What I didn't read was that it was 2-day shipping on orders over $15. Mine was less so it will take 2-6 days. Likely to arrive after my Beta. Useless! So I either have to wait or fork over more money for more tests. If I have extras maybe I will have a giveaway here!!

My babies in the making.

I received an email from the embryologist with pics of my embies. I completely forgot to post them here. So here ya go, my babies to be! This first one is the "perfect" one that survived the original thaw. If you look you can see the darker blob on the bottom left. That is where the fetus will develop. And then all of the clumpy cells ringing the circle of the embryo is where the placenta will develop. Pretty interesting!!



This second one is the third one thawed. It had only been thawing a few hours so it does not look as good as the first, but they were confident it would be almost as healthy as the first one.



So there are my babies. Hopefully in 9 months I will be posting new pics!

Today I definitely feel what could be symptoms. I have some cramping which I really, really, really hope is caused from implantation. I am also extremely moody and crabby. I am having mood swings like never before. I have been on the progesterone and estrogen long enough now that I would assume that if it was from the meds it would have happened before. The only new med is heparin and I have yet to find anything online that states heparin would cause these kinds of side effects.

Speaking of heparin.....OUCH! So not a fan of the stuff!!! Lupron was a breeze. No pain. No discomfort. But heparin is another story. My poor tummy is all purple and blue and even green. Very festive!!! It burns during the administration of it and my whole stomach is tender and sore from it. Bending over is painful. But I am willing to do anything for the bambinos.

I am trying to decide whether to use a home pg test or not. I had originally planned on starting them this Wednesday but now I am not so sure. I would hate to see repeated negative tests. But I also am impatient and if there is a chance that I could know before Monday I would like to know. Decisions, decisions! Now I really want to test since I am having what could possibly be symptoms. Hmmm......what should I do???

Careless Words

We have all been guilty of saying thoughtless or careless things. I know that I have. I also know that infertility has taught me take great care in what I say to others, though I still fall short form time to time. Tonight I was the recipient of someone's carelessness. And it was from my mother no less.

I stopped by her house to pick something up and my baby niece was there. Recently my niece went to the doctor for a check up and the doctor declared her "extraordinarily alert", which she really is. Now we talk about how extraordinary she is and I mentioned it tonight. I followed this with a comment about where it came from and how her parents (my sister and her fiance) were not extraordinary. This was said all in teasing and my mom's response was also said in teasing though her words still cut to the core. She said "Look who's talking, miss didn't go to college, unemployed, married ten years and have no kids." All of it was fine until the last part. Like I needed someone to point out that I am still childless. Thanks mom!

It has bothered me for the last hour or so. I has caused a time of reflection and retrospection. Did you know that every decision that I have made has been with children in mind? I dropped out of college to stay at home and have children. I did not return to college because I was sure that kids were right around the corner. We live in a 3 bedroom place because we might have kids. We have not purchased a house yet because we have spent every spare dime on trying to have said kids. I am currently not working now because the FET might work and I plan on being a SAHM. It saddens me that I have not succeeded in my goals. At least not 2 of the most important ones: having children and buying a house. But it is not for lack of trying!!

I am praying that 2010 brings the realization of both of my goals and then my mother can eat her words!!! =)

Why I hate the 2WW

There are so many reasons to hate the 2WW that I don't even know where to start. I hate the not knowing, the hope, the despair, all of it. I know, we all hate the 2WW. You would think that since they can create an embryo in a lab that they could create a way to test earlier. Like one of those blood sugar monitors but for HCG instead. One that detected HCG as low as 5 like the labs can do. And then we can test everyday to see if the numbers rise. Does that sound like such a difficult invention? I would buy one!!!

Today I have this "feeling", a sense, that it won't work. No reason really, no facts to back it up, just a premonition almost. I know that I can't go by feelings as with one of my IUIs I just " knew" that it had worked. I felt different. But I was wrong and it did not work. I hate feeling this way. I wish that I could be placed into a coma for the next 10 days.

Hopefully tomorrow I will have a mood swing and ride the wave of optimism!!!

I am home!

The transfer went great. Perfect even. The dr said that it could not have gone any better! They thawed 2 embryos yesterday and one was perfect. The second was was not and sadly, did not survive and is with Jesus. The dr thawed a third one and though it was not as far along as the other (where they can determine the quality) he said that it was thawing and growing well so far and he was confident that it was very healthy. So 2 embies are now with me and just need to stick! The dr and staff are all very optimistic. Now just need to wait 10 days to find out if they are still with me!!! Thanks again for all of the prayers!!!!

Tomorrow is the day!!!

I can't believe that tomorrow, the day, is almost here. I will be awaking in 12 hours to get ready to leave for the clinic. This is so unreal to me! I am as ready as I will ever be. I have been munching on pineapple and am considering making a smoothie out of it tomorrow. I had acupuncture today. Not sure that I really cared for it. Actually, I can honestly say that I hated it! But it will be worth it if it helps us conceive. I am very tired from it which is good. I will sleep very well tonight!!

I still need to pack a bag with a blanket, pillow and book, but other than that I am ready to go. Talk to you all tomorrow!

Tine is flying!!

I hope that my 2WW passes as quickly as this is passing!! Time is just flying by! But I am very glad that it is. I would hate to be sitting around, twiddling my thumbs all week. Today I am going to hit the mall. What better way to pass the time than shopping??? I can't think of anything that I would rather do today.

I am going to mail out our Christmas cards. This is the first year that we did photo cards. (they were free on seehere.com. 50 of them for $3.19 s&h, use the code: newbaby) They turned out fabulous!!!! So great in fact that I ordered another 50 cards. Hopefully next year we can do photo cards again, but with a few little ones in the photo as well.

Well, I am off! I hope that all of you have a great day today!

Gettin' Ready!

In preparation for 24 hours of bed rest this Friday and Saturday I am making a list and checking it twice. I am a planner and don't want to be unprepared. It is only 24 hours, but I OCD like that. Today I purchased my pineapple. Tomorrow I am going to get a refill of my prenatals and thyroid medication. Wednesday I am going to order half of the meds that I will need if the transfer is successful. Thursday I am packing a bag for the doctor's office. They told me to bring a pillow, blanket and a book. I will remain there for an hour after the transfer, laying on my back, and I can bring whatever makes me comfortable. I think that this calls for a new book! Karen Kingsbury has one out that I have not read yet. On Thursday I am going to rent Julie & Julia, Steel Magnolias (always a fave) and maybe a few Christmas movies to help keep me entertained. I might even borrow my sister's What to Expect When You Are Expecting book, just to get a head start!

I am still very at peace about all of this. And getting a little excited. I can't wait to meet my embies and I really hope to have a pic of them to share with all of you on Friday!!!

I love all the attention!!!

When you are pregnant everyone wants to talk to you and ask you about the pregnancy and the baby. When you adopt and a match has been made everyone wants to know the details of the new addition. But when you go through fertility treatments few people ask you how things are going. Not because they do not care, though some really do not, but because they either do not understand or there is no guarantee of a baby. Whatever the reason it can be painful to go through shots, appointments and pills all alone.

I have been very fortunate to have a few women that have been extremely supportive. We have been very open about our embryo adoption and have no trouble telling interested parties about it. We do this for several reasons. One is because we will be honest with our children about their conception and want them to ever feel shame in it. Another reason is education. In telling others of embryo adoption two different couples have decided to consider donating their embryos to an infertile couple in the future. This does my heart good to know that these precious embryos will get a chance at life.

Today at church I was stopped 4 times by someone asking me how I was doing and when was the transfer. I cannot tell you how much I appreciated not only them asking, but that they remembered that the date was nearing. I also love the fact that they are all praying for us and that it will work. Between them praying for us and all of you praying for us I am confident that His will will be done, positive or negative. So thank you all for your support!!!!

new meds, new side effects

So I started the Vivelle patch yesterday. I assumed that since it was just more estrogen that I would not even notice that I was wearing it. Wrong!!! I have been migraine free since I began the Estrace but the Vivelle gave me one of the worst migraines last night. And at this point of my cycle I am no longer allowed to use any prescription medication, just over the counter. Let me tell you, Tylenol and Aleve just don't cut it!! I must say that if I do get pregnant that is one thing that I am not looking forward to, not being able to take medications. I have had some kind of head, allergy sinus thing for almost 2 weeks. I hate the thought of not being able to take sinus meds or use nasal sprays. I am sure that there are things that I can take if it gets too bad, but I won't have the freedom to drug myself at will anymore. No more Nyquil either. Bummer!!! I swear by that stuff! It will cure almost anything!!!

Tomorrow is my last day for lupron and I am really hoping that by stopping that I will not get anymore migraines. After waking up and feeling like poo, I looked up the side effects for Vivelle. It can cause back pain. That explains why I felt like an eighty year old grandmother when I woke up this morning! I feel like such a whiner, but I figure that if I have to go through all of this that I have earned the right to complain!!! =)

This time next week.....

I will be PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise)!!!! I had my ultrasound today and everything looks perfect. WOO HOO!!! So tomorrow I start the suppositories tomorrow and I end my lupron on Sunday. One week without injections! Whatever will I do with myself??? I would say sleep in, but I still have to take Estrace, patches and suppositories at 7 am. Oh well! It was a nice thought.

I was talking to the nurse today about my protocol and she reminded me that I will need to continue the suppositories, Estrace and the patch for the first trimester if I become pregnant. What I didn't realize was that I would have to order all of these meds once I know that I am pregnant. That means the week of Christmas I will have to spend $300!!! I am not too happy about this at all!! I may order the 2 less expensive meds now, just in case. That way I will only have to cough up $235 the week of Christmas. I so wish that my clinic would allow me generic estrogen. That darn Estrace is $$$$$$$. The nurse did say that I could just fill a partial RX and then order the rest as needed to keep from having to spend so much at one time.

I am hoping that this last week speeds by. I am excited and scared all at the same time. But that is not going to change anytime soon so I just want to get it over with. Then I can focus on my babies. For one week, regardless of whether or I become pregnant or not, they will be my babies and I will enjoy ever moment with them.

Nine & a half days

I can't believe how close the transfer is! Just a week and a half to go! A part of me wants time to fly and a part of me wants it to go slowly, to hold onto this hope. I am trying to stay busy with decorating, shopping and baking. I have a feeling that I will gain a few pounds before this Christmas season is over!!! But that is okay. If I do get pregnant I will have to go on a low carb diet so I may as well enjoy it while I can. And enjoy it I am! Tonight I made cheesy enchiladas and blackberry cobbler for dessert. Darn that Pioneer Woman!!!

I have an ultrasound on Friday. I am assuming to check my uterine lining?? Anyone verify that? I also start my Vivelle patches that day. And on Saturday I begin the progesterone suppositories. Can anyone say fun?!?! Next week a few days of antibiotics and then the transfer. Starting that day I add 2 more shots each day as well as the suppositories, estrogen pills 2 x a day and something else. I swear, this getting knocked up is a full time job! I have an iPhone and have reminders set for each pill and shot. My calender is littered with dots (which indicate that something is scheduled). If we are fortunate enough to have a baby from all of this you can be sure to know that I remind them of all of this each time they have a moment of rebellion!

FREE nursing covers!

For those of you that are planning to nurse the site Udder Covers at https://www.uddercovers.com/index.php has nursing covers for $32 + $8.95 shipping. If you use the code planning you get it for FREE and just pay shipping!!! In the spirit of my new found optimism I ordered one tonight! Hope that many of you can take advantage of this deal!

Peace...where did you come from??

After we received the call about the potential adoption I assumed that I would be a nervous wreck, but surprisingly I am not. I am actually quite calm, cool and collected. I almost don't recognize myself. We have not received another call and I am fairly sure that this will not work out, but really, that is okay. Somewhere in all of this I have begun to really trust in Him. My earlier panic and anxiety about the FET is gone and I thought for sure that the adoption call would have made it worse. Instead it has given me peace. And I am not even sure why.

I don't know what the future holds for us. I am not even sure that children are a part of it. I hope that they are but there are no guarantees. I don't like not knowing what is going to happen, but I know that He has a plan. My natural instinct is to tell God how things should happen. I map it all out and try to dictate to Him my plans. Yesterday I thought about this. Who am I to tell the Creator of the universe what to do?? I would not tell a surgeon how to operate, or a pilot how to fly. They are experts in their fields and know what they are doing without my help. Why do I feel the need to treat God like a child that has no clue how to run my life? He created it, doesn't He know how to orchestrate it?

So right now I am trying to lean to on Him and trust Him. If He wants us to adopt this baby, it will work out. If He wants me to give birth next year, then the FET will work. Whether we have twins, a singleton, or none at all, I don't now. But He does. And He loves me and will do what is best for me. But that doesn't mean that I won't be praying that His best will be a baby....or two.....or three!!!

Unexpected news

If you have not read my Losing Abbie blog it is all about our failed adoption. Our second failed adoption but by far the most difficult. Losing a child through a failed adoption is different than through death, I am sure, but painful just the same. What makes losing a child in this way so much worse than it could be is the lack of understanding and support. Most people act as though the child was not "yours" to begin with so why do you care? But the truth is that from the moment the birth mother chooses you, you begin to plan and dream about this baby. It is yours in every emotional sense. When things do not work out your heart is crushed. Because of these experiences we have decided not to pursue adoption in the traditional sense but move on to embryo adoption.

And then we got a call. We have had several of theses calls over the years. Someones cousin's girlfriend's sister is pregnant and might want to give the baby up for adoption. The actuality of it working out are slim to none. And then there are the calls that give you some hope. Though we had decided never to consider adoption again we jumped on this opportunity like a fat kid on Twinkies. (I can say that as a fellow chubby!) It is a young girl (15 or 16) and she is due this week! Yes, THIS week! She is very sure in her decision not to parent and her parents are not wanting the child either. The father is deployed and is pretty sure that the baby is his and really does not care to be bothered. Very sad actually. We have said that we would be willing to talk to her and our information will be passed along to her. Now we just wait.

I am doing fine with this news. Not overly excited, not pessimistic either. What will be, will be. A part of me is scared that by this time next year we may have 3 children: one adopted, 2 through embryo adoption. (yes, we will still continue with this transfer as all of this is so tentative) But another part of me is scared that this time next year my arms will still be empty.

I will update you all once I learn more. Please keep us in your prayers as well as this young mother. Thanks!

Officially the Christmas Season!!

I love Christmas! I love the sights, the sounds and the smells. I enjoy baking and December fills our home with the lovely smells of cinnamon, cookies, and breads. I love shopping, though I hate the commercialism that has invaded this holiday. I can't wait to put up my tree and set out decorations. In the beginning of our marriage I decked out the whole place. Through the years infertility has taken its toll and my anticipation of the season has waned.

I hate that infertility has robbed me of some of the enjoyment of Christmas. Yes, I know that the focus should be on Christ's birth. And I do focus on that. But Christmas is also about families. And mine is lacking. It is hard to hang just 2 stockings. There are no presents under the tree for little children, no kids desperately trying to fall asleep so that they can open presents Christmas morning. No 6 am wake-up with children jumping on our bed. No littles sitting around listening to the Christmas story. Just 2 adults sleeping in, making a big Christmas breakfast with a latte and then open gifts when we get around to it. Or we open them Christmas eve, but that is because my hubby is still a kid at heart and cannot wait.

This year is a little better as we have our upcoming FET to look forward to. But it is for this very reason that I am nervous. We will have our BETA on 12/21, just days before Christmas. This year I will either be unable to sleep from the anticipation of telling our news, or I will be unable to get out of bed to share in the festivities, too depressed to function. No, I am not planning on being depressed if it does not work, but let's be honest, the chances of me taking it well are slim to none. But until then I am going to enjoy this holiday season as much as I can. I am going to start it off right today with a trip to Starbucks on my way to the mall!! Today is Black Friday and to us shopaholics a holiday all in itself.

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone!!

Today is a day that we spend time with our families, eat way too much turkey and plan our shopping for black Friday. It is also a day of retrospect and to think of all of the things that we are thankful for. It is also a day that can bring pain if you have lost a loved one, have family strife, or are dealing with infertility. It is not easy to sit around the table listening to siblings and cousins discuss pregnancy woes or child rearing challenges. You are on edge waiting to hear if someone is going to share their "good news" at the dinner table. You may feel lost today, a little displaced. We have all been there. And this year I am praying for you. I may not know you but we are linked by this common bond and I hurt for you.

I am fortunate this year that the only children I will be around are horrid little beasts that make me want to have my tubes tied just in case. There will be no longing for me to have a child after being around them today!!! And the rest of hubby's family is older so there will be no surprise announcements. I won't have to deal with all of my infertility sadness and longing today but many will. And those will be who I am thinking of today and praying for.

Regardless of where you are today and how you are feeling, try to find something positive to think on. Try to push infertility to the back and allow yourself a few moments to enjoy all of the blessings that God has given you. It won't be easy but it will be worth it! God is so good to all of us but infertility robs us of the joy of seeing it. Try to find your joy today!

Thankfulness

We can all find things to be thankful for in our lives, but to find things to be thankful for in regards to infertility can be a challenge. No one likes the emptiness infertility leaves in our hearts. No one enjoys the insensitive comments or the timed intercourse. None of jump for joy over yet another pregnancy announcement from the eternally fertile or for a negative pregnancy test.....again. But there are things that we can be thankful for, things that we have learned during this journey, people we have met, things that we have done. Whatever it is let us know what you are thankful for pertaining to infertility. Here is my list:

~Growing closer to my hubby. We have always had a great marriage, but infertility makes us stronger.

~Amazing friends that I have met online, especially my Stepping Stones sisters. Honestly, this whole thing has been worth it just to have met many of you. There are some wonderful people on the net!

~I will be an awesome mom! You don't wait this long and try this hard only to me mediocre. All of us will be fantastic moms! Fertiles will be jealous.

~Faith. I have had to exercise my faith in ways that I never have before. I have learned a lot about myself in the past 11 years and I like who I have become.

~Compassion. As a young woman (heck, I am still young!), I was quick to judge and lacked compassion. Now my heart breaks for every BFN I hear about, every loss, divorce, wayward child, etc. I may not have suffered in the same way that another has but I can empathize in a way that I could not do pre-infertility.

~My pastor. He has been extremely supportive through all of this and I appreciate his thoughtfulness and prayers during all of this.

~My nieces. Both has allowed me to love them and dote on them use some of my "mommy-ness" on them.

I could probably go on all day. At this point in the journey I am ready to get off of this ride and become a mom. I don't like the journey itself, but while on it I plan to learn all that I can and use it to become the best mommy that I can be one day.

So what are you thankful for?

Time to make the babies.

Do you remember the Dunkin' Donuts commercial where the guy gets up at the butt crack of dawn to make the donuts? And he says "Time to make the donuts"? This morning I woke up at 7 am (earlier than I would prefer after going to bed at 1 am) and hubby asked what I was doing. I told him, in the tone of the DD guy, "Time to make the babies".

In a way it is funny. All of the shots, the patches, the ultrasounds,and the pills could result in a baby. Okay, maybe not technically, but you know what I mean. In another way it is sad. Whatever happened to a romantic dinner followed by slow dancing and a candle lit room with mood music playing resulting in a baby? Or a passionate quickie, even?? When did baby making become so clinical??

Don't get me wrong, I am so very thankful for this opportunity that medical science is giving us. Without out it there would absolutely no hope for us. For that I am thankful. But it is still sad that I will never wonder why I am so tired and then assume that I have the flu only to discover that I am unexpectedly pregnant. We will never go away for a vacation and forget the contraception and then decide to throw caution in the wind and let nature take it's course and 9 months alter give birth to our "souvenir". For those of us that deal with infertility we mourn this part of our lives. We mourn the spontaneity and reckless abandon that fertiles have. We mourn the assurance that we will conceive. We mourn our innocence and naivete that existed when we first began ttc; that assumption that all was well and we would become parents in 9-12 months.

I am so thankful for this path that God has allowed us to take. Maybe not the pain of it all nor the length of time we have been on this path, but for the embryos we are adopting. They are our babies and we love them. But I would be lying if I said that I wasn't a little bit sad that so many people have to have a part in their conception and that some of that joy was taken from us. But I am sure that all thoughts of their conception will flee once I see 2 pink lines!

Everything is right on schedule!

I had my ultrasound today and everything was perfect. We are right on schedule for a December 11th transfer. The doctor asked my how I was doing with it all and I told him that I was really nervous. He offered me a prescription for Prozac if I wanted it. He told me that being anxious and stress is counterproductive and that I need to relax. I declined the RX for now and am going to try to focus on other things and relax a bit. Maybe some retail therapy would help!!!

I am still getting migraines from the lupron and I am waiting on a call from the dr about a new RX for them. I can take prescription meds up until CD10 and then it is all OTC for me. That is gonna stink! The RE did say that the estrogen may help alleviate the migraines. Here's hoping that he is right!

That pretty much sums up where we are right now. =)

Mental Health Day

I have declared today a mental health day and I will be hibernating all day. The first week of lupron brought migraines but not much else in the way of side effects. That has since changed. I am very irritable and cannot sleep. The past 2 night I have only gotten 4-5 hours of sleep. I am soooo tired! And that makes me even crabbier. I constantly have a headache which crosses over to the migraine side in the evenings. Lupron is awful stuff! Did you know that it is a chemotherapy drug?? That should give you some indication of how powerful a drug it is. Crazy what we will do to get knocked up!

Sundays usually consist of me attending Sunday School and helping in Junior Church second hour. I love working with the kids but I knew that today I would not be very nice to them. It is not their fault that I am infertile and I didn't want to take it out on them. Now my hubby on the hand, poor guy is at the receiving end of my wrath too often. He is out of town and he called me last night after I texted him that I was already in bed and not to call. He didn't read that text and just called. Needless to say I was not very nice and I hung up on him. I have never, ever done that before!! I felt horrible and called to apologize this morning.

So for the sake of everyone else in the fertile world I decided to stay home and hide from all that irritates. Which is just about everything right about now. Oh the joys of fertility meds!

Welcome to my little corner of the world!!!

ICLW week has begun and I look forward to meeting some new infertile friends! A little about me because, really, it is all about me around here!!!

~married 11 years to my wonderful hubby
~both male and female factor infertility (no spermies, endo, PCOS, blocked tube)
~2 failed adoptions
~4 unsuccessful IUIs
~in the midst of our first (and hopefully only) FET with donated embies
~transfer date set for December 11th!

That is the infertile part of me. Now for the rest of me:

~currently a SAHW and enjoying my time at home (I was meant to be a trophy wife)
~a bit of a shopaholic
~have an obsession with shoes and purses. My goal in life is to own a pair of Jimmy Choos and carry a Prada. Really high aspirations, I know.
~taking cake decorating classes and loving it
~attempted to teach myself how to crochet but I am just not domestic enough
~I love to read and read a book or 2 a week, at least
~Ree Drummond, the Pioneer Woman, is my new hero and I am trying out all of her recipes. That may be why I have moved from chubby to downright......chubbier. But what a way to grow!!!

I think that about sums it up! Can't wait to "meet" all of you!

FET is like Lasagna

I was thinking about how my emotions and expectations for the upcoming FET are so different than our previous attempts at ttc and IUIs. It reminded me of lasagna. Maybe because I made the most awesome lasagna this week. (Pioneer Woman's recipe....awesome!) Lately I have had food on the brain. I have googled and searched to find if it is a side effect of the lupron and though it is not I am still claiming that it is. Back to the lasagna and FET......

I have come to the conclusion that IUIs and ttc naturally are like made from scratch lasagna. You have to have all of the ingredients and follow the instructions but there is still a chance that you miss something and it comes out wrong. But when you buy a frozen lasagna all of the work has been done for you and all you have to do is bake it. Your expectations are higher and you expect it to work. That is how I feel about this upcoming FET. It should work. There is a good chance that it could and will. Yet there is still the chance that it won't.

We are down to 3 weeks from today. I have an ultrasound on Monday which is CD1 for this cycle. I am not sure what they are looking for with this ultrasound but I am hoping that they will find it! I will let you all know how that goes. And I am sure that next week I will have more food/FET correlations as well!!! Mmmmm....maybe cake.

tick..tick..tick....

Time is ticking by!! Just over 3 weeks to go. The next week and a half should go by pretty quickly as we will be traveling next week. Originally it was to spend Thanksgiving with my hubby's family bit now it will be to attend a funeral. My hubby's aunt passed away from cancer this morning. She had cancer and we knew that it was coming, just not this soon. Though we are sad at er passing we are rejoicing that she came to know Jesus just a few weeks ago and is not resting safely in the arms of Jesus. We are not sure when the funeral is and I hope that it is not on Monday as I have an ultrasound appointment that day and I doubt that I could do it on Saturday (too early in my cycle). If it is on Monday I may have to stay home and I would hate to do that. My hubby is taking it hard and I would hate for him to travel alone.

Between the holiday, the appointment, the funeral and a cake decorating class next week will fly by. I am glad to be busy so that I won't have to obsess over all of this. It is amazing how fast time seems to fly yet stand still at the same time.

Blessed Chiropractor!!

I have dealt with back issues for, well, I guess forever. At least it seems that way. I have the back of an 80 year old. And not an spry 80 year old used-to-be-a-triathlon runner, but the hunched-over have-to-use-a-walker kind of 80 year old. Because of this I tend to get migraines when my back is out of place. I also get them from hormonal changes. Between AF, Lupron and my back being out of place I have been miserable for the past 3 or 4 days. I went to my wonderful chiropractor today and he fixed me back up! (get it?? 'back' up!) I already feel better and my headache is dissipating. YAY! I will still get migraines from the hormonal part of it all but it should be less.

I love to visit my chiropractor because he is so optimistic that this transfer is going to work. He asks me all of the time how things are going and is always so encouraging. While there I set up my appointments for acupuncture. He would like for me to do 4 treatments before the FET and 2 after, but we just cannot afford it. I am going to go at least 2 times before and one after the transfer. I have never done acupuncture before and am a little curious about it. I am willing to try it if it might increase our chances.

Everything else is right on schedule. Aunt Flo showed up right on time, which is kind of scary. Rarely is she so cooperative! But, hey, I'm not complaining. I continue lupron this week and will begin several more drugs next Monday as well as have my first ultrasound. Just 3 1/2 weeks left to go!!!! Time sure flies when you are hopped up on hormones!

Ca-Rabby!!!!

I am not just crabby, but ca-rabby! That is very crabby!!!! Not sure if it is from the lupron or from impending aunt flo, but whatever the reason I am exceptionally moody and crabby today. I am tired and want a nap but no matter how hard I try someone is demanding my time. My sister needed my help for about an hour. My grandmother needs a ride to pick up her car. I have two cakes to decorate. I have been up since 3 am and so need to sleep! EEERRRR!!!!! ANd this is only the beginning. yay me!

Lupron....oh joy!

So I started the lupron yesterday. I thought that once I overcame my fear of jabbing myself with a needle that the rest of it would be easy. Well, that is not the case. Lupron was manufactured by Satan himself. Last night I got a migraine from the lovely drug. Today I am sporting a nice size bruise from this morning's injection. And now I am nauseous! Very nauseous!! I battled it all day today. Fun! Maybe I am just getting prepared for morning sickness???

So far the nausea and headaches are the only side effects that I am having. So far. I have noticed that I am very sensitive to smells as well, though I am not sure what could be causing that. I am only on BCP's and lupron. The smells around me are making me nauseous though. Even the good smells.

Tomorrow is my last day for the BCPs and I should be starting my period shortly thereafter. A week from Monday will offically CD1 and my first ultrasound. And the day that I start adding many of the other meds. The transfer is scheduled 4 weeks from tomorrow. Holy cow, this is getting close!!! I am rather excited and can't wait!!!

A Junkie I Will Be

As I was sitting here this morning, needle in hand, shaking like a leaf I thought that junkies were insane. How in the world can they shoot up on a regular basis? Needles are scary!! Then I realized that it was not about the needle, but about what it contained. They were driven by the drug encased within that needle, as am I. Their drug gives them a rush, a thrill. Mine will only give me mood swings and hot flashes. But the compulsion to inject it in to me is much the same.

I thought that I was ready to stick myself this morning. How hard can it be, right? Just a tiny needle. Grab, aim and stick. Easy! Not so much!!! Honestly, the stick itself was completely painless. It really was!! But the moments leading up to it were insanely nerve racking.I just sat there with holding a chunk of belly fat, talking to my dog, telling him that this was crazy. I woke the hubby up to experience it with me. I needed his moral support. After 5 minutes of pleading and crying I just did it. And then I was mad at myself for being such a baby over something so painless.

I am glad that the first shot is over. Tomorrow and the months to come will be a breeze. But if I ever decide to become a junkie I will choose a better drug of choice.

Ca-Ching!

I will be depositing the rest of the money today! It is nice to know that it is all sitting there, ready to go to the clinic. Well, we still need $250 more, but I am not worried about that. I got a text last night from my sister's fiancee that they would be bringing me the money tomorrow (which is today) and I was so overwhelmed. So many emotions coursed through me. The true meaning of faith hit me last night. I have dealt with many issues in life that required faith, as I am sure that you all have, but nothing of this magnitude. This was a lesson that God had specifically designed for me. The year 2009 started out well for us financially and when we first decided to start this journey we were confident that we would be able to save this money. About a month after we got on the list things changed and our finances took a hit. From a financial perspective embryo adoption was not a good choice for us at this time. But God kept opening doors for us and we decided to take a step of faith. Notice that I did not say leap of faith, as I did not leap into this, but took one cautious step at a time.

Had we had the money sitting in the bank with little effort I would never have had to exercised my faith as I did during these past few months. And I am humbled that God has chosen to bless us in this way. Yes, I want to become pregnant next month, but regardless this journey of faith has been a tremendous one. One that has taught me so many things. And though it has been difficult I am thankful for it. And I pray that this journey ends in a baby bump and later a baby or two.

Power of Positive Thinking

I am the type of person that tends to hover between pessimism and realism, rarely is optimism my companion. I would love to be one of those annoying eternally optimistic people, but I am just not made that way. But this time I have removed pessimism from my vocabulary. And though I am not all of the way over to the side of optimism I am nearer to it than realism. Have I confused you yet???

Basically I am trying to think positive about the upcoming transfer. I have browsed diaper bags. I have joined Swagbucks (free to use) to help earn "bucks" to buy an Amazon gift cards to use towards baby stuff. I am halfway to a $50 gift card. Yay me!!!

Infomercial: Swagbucks is great!! You sign up and use their search engine (instead of google) and you earn bucks. If you use the link to the right you can sign up under me and I will earn when you earn. **hint**hint**..........end infomercial.

Another thing that I have done is created a new blog for my potential pregnancy. I will still use this one for infertility related issues, but I will have a separate pregnancy one. Once I decided on the name (which is quite clever if I so say so myself) I decided to snag it just in case. I am a looking for the perfect background for it and I want to have it ready to use once we see 2 pink lines. Until then it will remain a secret.

All of these steps are my way of remaining positive. I read on someone's blog that they were blessed not because they were pregnant or because things were going well, but because they are a child of the King. So regardless of whether or not we have a baby next year we are still blessed. We will be sad and we will mourn the loss of our embies, but we will still be blessed. But I am going to think positive thoughts that our "blessed" will include a baby. ;-)

No turning back!

This week is THE week. I start lupron on Wednesday. A part of me is sad that I have to do all of this just for a chance and pregnancy, but there is another part of me, a larger part, that is so thankful for medical science giving me this opportunity. I am so convinced that it is going to work that I talk about my babies like they are already growing. I am not sure if I am just being optimistic or setting myself up for heartbreak. But I need this right now. I need the faith and the hope that optimism brings.

My family is even being optimistic. This is the first time that they have ever been optimistic and supportive and it is wonderful! My brother called me the other day to say that there was a yard sale with a bunch of baby stuff. I told him to call my sister who actually has a baby but he said "yeah, but you are gonna need all that stuff next year." Like it was a given. My mom even looked through a clearance rack for a maternity bathing suit for me for next summer. I love that they are so sure that this will work!

All things work together for good....

You know, I really dislike hearing that verse. Let me clarify, it is not really the verse that irritates me but the abuse we Christians have done with that verse. We tend to use it in a patronizing way, like a pat on the head or a band-aid. Just something to make us feel better when we really don't know what to say to someone or do for that is hurting or going through a trial.

"Your dog died? Oh, I am sorry. But you do know that 'all things work together for good' "

"I am so sorry to hear that you are have lost your house and have filed bankruptcy. But 'all things work together for good' and God has a reason for this."

I don't know why we feel the need to say this to people. It is true that all things DO work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose, but that is not necessarily what a person wants to hear during their trials. But I digress. The point of this post is not insensitive Christians, but in the truth of that verse. Earlier this year my younger sister announced that she was pregnant. She was not trying nor was she happy about it. This news devastated me! And had someone quoted this verse to me I would have rolled my eyes and maybe even punched them in the nose for quoting it to me. But 10 months later I see that it really did all work together for good.

The first few days after I heard her news I stayed in bed and cried. For the next few weeks I moped and tried to avoid people. I knew that I was headed toward a depression and finally sought help via a Christian counselor. This was one of the best decisions that I have ever made. A few months later I was much stronger emotionally and spiritually and I even got involved in a children's ministry at church, something that I had not done in 7 years. From there things just began to fall into place. I was ready to return to the world of ttc and found a new RE, one that offered an embryo adoption/donation program. By an amazing series of events I was allowed onto their waiting list and shortly thereafter matched with donated embies. During this time my sister had her baby and though it was not easy for me, God helped me through it. Becoming a mommy has changed my sister and we are close now, something we have never been before. This closeness has helped my sister to see our desire for a baby and she has provided the money for us to to do our transfer.

So my sister's unplanned pregnancy has helped me to have a chance at a baby of my own. I think that fall into the 'all things work together for good' category, though I could not see it at the time.

Today I am Sad

The incident from church last night is still bothering me. (read yesterday's post) Rarely do I allow anything to bother me for this long so the hormones must be contributing to my depressed state. I haven't done my hair. No make-up either. And if you knew me you would know that this is so not the norm for me! I tend to be a bit of a priss. All I have done today is nap. All over one announcement. Crazy!!!

I need to trust in Him and lean on Him right now, and I am trying to. But it is not easy. I seriously doubt that this announcement came as a surprise to Him, nor will it alter His plans. If my babies are to be they will be. Now I feel stupid for even being bothered by all of this. If I am this hormonal now, how will I be next week when I break out the guns?? Maybe my hubby should go visit family for a few weeks!!!

Baby Making Meds Have Arrived!

I was never so excited to see the UPS man today. I was looking for FedEx but it was UPS that brought me my special delivery. I opened the box and I must say, there was a lot of meds!!! And a LOT of syringes!! Scary! But I must say that I am looking forward to the injections. I hate gagging, I mean swallowing, pills. Shots seem so much easier! It is a little intimidating though, looking at all of this. Just trying to remember what to take and when, sheesh! I have a nice printed calendar from the doctor but it has a lot of marks and x's on it. Right now I am glad that I am not working. This stuff consumes your whole day!!!

Throughout this whole thing I have been fairly optimistic and excited about all of this. Not that I haven't been nervous or scared, but for the most part I have done well with it all. Until tonight. A few weeks ago I posted in my blog that 2 women in church announced their pregnancies and that I had hoped to be number three. Well, that is not going to happen. The third announcement was made tonight. The announcement itself was not difficult to hear, but the fact that it was the third one hit me hard. I don't know why as I do not believe in superstition, but it still made me sad. I am trying not to allow it to discourage me and remain optimistic. I am trying to place my trust in Him and not the theory of pregnancy coming in three's. Besides, maybe they really do and I will have the whole next set of three's! ;-)

Special Delivery

No, not the special delivery, but the delivery of my meds. I placed my order today and should have them no later than Wednesday or Thursday. They would have been shipped out today but they were out of Heparin. They will have it tomorrow and it will be shipped tomorrow. YAY!! It cost as much as a Kate Spade or nice Coach purse, but in the end it will be worth it. It felt great to take this next step. Once here I will get the first 14 syringes ready and then begin on November 11th. Once I start the injections I am sure that time will go much faster. From 11/11 to 12/11 I will have injections, pills, and 2 ultrasounds. Thanksgiving will help distract me for a few days as well. My cake decorating classes start tomorrow too so that will help too.

With the impending arrival of the meds I am getting excited. More excited I should say. I am not sure if it is the excitement causing the insomnia or the meds, but at night I lay there and daydream about maternity clothing, nursery decor and baby names. I can't seem to stop myself! For so many years we have had so little hope that this whole process is making me giddy!

Well, I am off to camp out by the front door to await my special delivery!!

Speeding by in slow motion

That is how life feels right now. One minute I am fretting because it will be several weeks before the FET. Then I am panicking that I start Lupron injections in 10 short days. December 21st (BETA) seems like an eternity away. Yet, Dec.11th (transfer day) is just around the corner. I am excited to pursue this option and pray that it works. Yet I am terrified that it will and then there is no turning back. Eleven years as a family of two spoils you! I enjoy sleeping in. I love to pamper myself. And right now I am the princess! Am I ready to give up my tiara?? The answer is, yes I am. Though it won't be without adjustments.

It all seems to unreal to me still. We have waited so long for this that I keep waiting for the bad news to come. Either that the donors changed their mind. Or the money is not available. Or I don't respond to the meds. Then I am on a high, looking at baby furniture and discussing baby names. If I am this crazy on just the progesterone what will I be like on the other meds? I hope that my hubby doesn't have me committed!!!

Injection instruction complete

So yesterday I had an appointment to learn how to give myself injections. It didn't take very long and looks quite simple. I am sure that feeling will change as I try to actually stick myself for the first time. The nurse told me that I can stick myself anywhere on the belly that I can pinch an inch (as long as it isn't too near the belly button). I told her that I was prepared and had been planning on this for years, hence the chubby belly! I am made for belly shots!!! She gave me a fake belly to practice with and I did fine. Hopefully the real ones are just as painless.

My 7 year old nice stayed the night Thursday night and knew that I had an appointment. She wanted to go with me but I informed her that I was learning how to give myself shots and she could not go. She is aware of the reason for the shots and is quite hopeful that they work and we have a baby. Anyway, I teasingly told her that I was going to practise on her when I got done and her response was: "But Jessie! I am only seven. I am too young to have babies." I cracked up!!! The birds and the bees talk is now complete for her! LOL

I will be ordering all of my meds on Monday. The nurse gave me the name of another pharmacy that might be cheaper. Their brochure claims that there is a pharmacist available 24/7 to answer your calls but someone obviously needs to inform that that 24/7 means 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I have been trying to call since yesterday and no answer. I will try again Monday. So that about sums up where we are at right now. Lupron injection start on 11/11 and the real fun begins!!!!

"Don't Obsess"

Don't you love it when a fertile person gives you advice? Usually it is to tell you to relax or to pray about it. Both proven methods, I am sure. But I really love when a fertile tells an infertile to quit obsessing about having a baby. I realize that there are women out there that truly do obsess about babies. But these are not the norm. Just like Octomom is not the norm. The average infertile is not obsessive, but focused. And what choice do we have? If you had cancer would you just relax and let it happen? Or would you fight it aggressively? If you let cancer grow without a fight you will one day run out of time. Fertility is much the same way. We are given this window of opportunity in which to conceive and once its over, its over.

We don't start out "obsessed", really we don't. Here is a breakdown of how it goes:

First few months: Hey, lets make a baby. So you have sex.

Months 3-6: pay closer attention to your cycle and have sex near your fertile time.

Months 7-9: begin to take your temp at the same time every day and schedule sex.

Months 10-12: pee on an ovulation test every morning for a week, schedule sex accordingly. Make sure not to flirt with hubby on Thursday because you can't have sex until Friday. Gotta save those spermies! And make sure hubby does not plan to go out with his buddies on Friday night in case you need him home. Hubby no longer wear briefs, but boxers. You both take vitamins and cut out caffeine. You try any and all advice people give you, even if it means standing on your head after sex.

After the first year: you begin searching online and read the word "infertility" which strikes fear in your heart. You are sure that is not you so you keep searching. The truth hits you like a ton of bricks and you call your doctor, still sure that you are not infertile.

Your doctor runs tests and assures you that you are still young and that whatever it is he is sure that he can fix it. Tests come back with a few issues and he prescribes some magic pills and you return to charting your cycle and timing sex. By this time you are beginning to feel a bit like a circus monkey, performing on command.

Another year passes..........

You are now beginning to get worried. You have been trying for 3 years. All of your friends are parents now, some even pregnant a second time. You are in your mid to late twenties. Still young, but you can see 30 on the horizon. Everyone knows that once you hit your 30's your egg timer starts ticking. Fertility does not get better with age. But you are not going to panic. You are going to see a fertility specialist. This will fix everything.

Your RE (fertility specialist) runs more tests. And now even a surgery or two. You discover that your problems are worse than you had originally thought. Now you are on more pills. You have to schedule ultrasounds. You have to reschedule that mini vacation now because of your ultrasound and later your IUI.

Years 5-6: IUI does not work. Now onto IVF. You have to take time off of work to go to your appointments. You are running out of sick days at work so you have to cancel your vacation this year and use your vacation days for your many appointments to the RE. But that's okay since you can no longer really afford that vacation now that you are paying upwards to $10,000 to do this procedure. You have to plan your days now. Injections at 7 am, pills at 9am, pills again at 2 pm and pills before bed. No caffeine, get enough rest, relax. But don't forget your pills. Or your appointments. Or the injections. One screw up could mess up the whole cycle.

Repeat.


Your whole life does begin to center around infertility. But is there any other way? Is this considered obsessive? To some it might, but really it isn't. There will come a time when you need to step back and take a break, maybe even quit altogether. But until then your life becomes a series of charts, pills, appointments and timed sex. This was not what you dreamed of as a young bride, but it is the life that you have been given. You make the best of it and hopefully at the end you are surrounded by your babies and it will all worth it.

Faith, Hope and Reality

Eleven years ago my husband and I said "I do". Three months later we chucked the birth control pills, ready to add a little one to our happy home. We had faith that we would conceive soon thereafter. Just as 1+1=2 we assumed that man+woman=baby. Our assumption was wrong and our faith was tested. A few years later we had hope. We hoped that we would conceive or that we would adopt. We held onto that hope for a few years. Then reality set it. The reality of it all was that life was not always easy, nor was it fair. Why would a happy couple with a strong marriage not be able to have a child? Why would we have our dream within our grasp only to have it ripped away? None of this made any sense to us. It still doesn't. But it is our reality and we must accept it.

In the reality phase it is difficult to have hope or faith. Occasionally you dream that it might happen, or you are late one month and have a glimmer of hope, but this is rare. You try to put it out of your mind and focus on other things, anything that is not baby related. Now that we are preparing for our first FET with donor embryos I am trying to find where I am at. I want to have faith, but it is difficult to trust that this will end in a baby. The reality is that for many couples there is no positive pregnancy test or happy announcement. But I want to hope that we will be the exception, that we will be able to share our "good news" with family and friends this Christmas. I have faith that His will will be done, but reality is that His will may not be my will. I pray that my will lines up with His, but still hope that His will is for us to have a baby.

I am trying to put my faith into action. This past weekend I found some great deals on baby items and I actually purchased a few things. Very few. I have also begun to look at nursery decor and diaper bags (Timi & Leslie have adorable bags!!). I have begun a virtual hope chest just in case we get pregnant. But I won't make any big purchases until we see 2 pink lines because realistically we may not use them. I am finding that the lines between faith, hope and reality are blurring and I am not sure where I am at exactly. So I am going to hold onto all three and hope that my faith will make a baby a reality.

Question about Estrace

For those of you that have been down the IVF/FET route you may be able to help me out. I hope! My insurance pays for nothing infertility related, but they are covering some of our meds because they are for sustaining a pregnancy, not infertility related. My RE requires that I use Estrace name brand only but my insurance is not going to cover it. I thought for sure that they would, just maybe at a higher co-pay. We are using IVP pharmacy and they are by far the least expensive for the Estrace ($235) but I would still like to see about insurance covering it.

So my question is, how do I get them to cover it? I don't know why they are covering the Vivelle patch and the prometrium but not the Estrace. Any thoughts, tips or ideas???

HUGE, ginormous, amazing, wonderful blessing!!!

My sister and I have never been extremely close. Mainly because we have just chosen different paths in life. She is a little bit younger than me and has really had no interest in settling down and having the "American Dream", yet this year she got pg, engaged and bought a house. I worried about her being a mom as she has never really been around babies much at all. Through her pg and especially the birth of her daughter my sister and I have gotten much closer. I was there for the delivery of my niece and have been so thankful for the opportunity. My sister has surprised us all, including herself, and has taken to motherhood. She is an awesome mommy!!!

Over the weekend my sister got sick and I kept the baby for a few days. My sister ended up covered in hives and was terrified that it was something worse and she could not be around the baby. She hated being away from her!!! Today the doctor gave her the all clear and she came and picked up the baby. I was sad to see her go. Anyway, while she was here my sister told me that she really hoped that I got pg in December. She has never really shown much interest so this a pleasant surprise.

After she left I got a call from the pharmacy telling me that one of my prescriptions will not be covered my insurance (Estrace) and it will be $235, which is much more than I had planned. As I was searching for my insurance card to call and argue with them I got a call from my sister's fiance. He told us that they wanted to give us the rest of the money for the transfer, which is $3000. I could barely thank them, all I could was cry.

God has guided this embryo adoption/donation journey every step of the way. It is truly humbling to see how He is blessing us.

Dreading all of these pills

I had always assumed that if we ever did IVF or FET that I would dread the injections, but right now I think that I would prefer them over all of these pills! And I have not even started the majority of them yet. My morning consists of a Synthroid/BCP/antibiotic/2 folic acid cocktail. (The synthroid I already take and the antibiotic is for tonsillitis). Then at lunch I take 2 more folic acid and before bed is another antibiotic, 2 more folic acid and a prenatal the size of my pinkie toe! Today is my last day for the antibiotics which is really exciting!!! In three weeks I will be adding several more pills to the mix. I am starting to gag just thinking about it. Maybe I should crush them up and put them in mashed potatoes. Or, better yet, in some chocolate pudding!!! Now that sounds like a good plan! Think insurance would cover the pudding??

I keep looking over my list of meds and instead of fear I feel excitement. The injections are a little scary but I will not complain. And my RE allows progesterone in pill form and not the dreaded PIO shots! How awesome is that ?!?!?! It doesn't take much to excite me anymore.

Well, that's all for now. Gotta go take some more pills. bleh!

Great appointment today!

I had my protocol appointment today and everything is moving forward in an amazing way!! I return next Friday to learn how to do injections and begin lupron on 11/13. My transfer date is 12/11. I asked the nurse when people start to freak out and she said "right about now" and I did. Then she handed me a picture of the twins (that the donor couple had last year) and I just cried harder. They were beautiful! One had a head full of dark brown, almost black hair and big blue eyes. She was so pretty! The other one was bald, with big chubby cheeks and a mischievous glint in her eyes and a huge grin. Just adorable! As I looked at their precious faces it hit me that these two are my embryo's siblings. Talk about making it all so real to me. Only 7 weeks to go!!!!

The "other" side

For so many years I have been outside looking in the lives of families with children. Outside the inner circle. Now I am approaching what could quite possibly be the door to the entrance of life on the other side of infertility and it scares me. Not for reasons that you might think, though. I am not terrified of motherhood, though maybe I should be. I am not fearful of regret or afraid of failure. I am scared to leave my fellow infertile sisters behind. So many of us have run this race together, watching friends and loved ones sprint past us, many times lapping us several times. So we all banded together, helping each other along when times got tough and we thought that we could not take another step. Now I feel like I am abandoning these sisters and I am not even pregnant yet.

I so want to be on the "other" side, I do! I want to feel the excitement, anticipation and even relief that accompanies crossing over. But I want all of you to join me. I want us to complete this race together, holding hands, banded tight. But it is not to be. If this is my time (and I pray that it is) I will cross over to the "other" side with all of you cheering me on. But know that if this happens I may no longer be running this same race, but I will be sitting on the side lines cheering all of you on, waiting to hug you on the "other" side.

More good news!!!

I received a call today from my coordinator at the clinic and the donor family came in for testing (like planned) and the results came back today. Everything is perfect!!! We had assumed that it would be, but confirmation is great! Also, they brought their twin daughters with them and the coordinator said that they are healthy, alert, and adorable! She even snagged me a picture of them!!! So on Friday I will get to see a picture of what our kid(s) might look like. How awesome is that? Most people using an anonymous donor never get that opportunity so this is a huge blessing to us.

I am so excited and I thank all of you for allowing us to share our journey with you.

ICLW Welcome!

For those of you visiting for the first time, welcome to my little corner of the world!! Here is a basic overview of my infertility journey:

Married 11 years
Diagnosed with low sperm count after 1 year ttc
Went the adoption route
2 failed adoption later returned to ttc
Diagnosed with azoospermia, endometriosis, PCOS, and blocked tube....we got it all!!!!
4 rounds DIUI....all negative
This past July began the embryo adoption/donation route
A match has been made and transfer scheduled next month


That about sums it all up! Infertility is doing its darnedest to make me cray, but I am still hanging on........though barely! My blog chronicles the embryo adoption/donation journey as well as the day to day struggles that we all go through. Infertility is a merciless enemy, but I believe that if we all band together we can get through it! I look forward to getting to know all of you!

An "aha" moment

Today I went to see my counselor. I began seeing her this past February after learning that my sister was pregnant. Since going to he I have been growing and learning so much about myself. One of the most prevalent themes of our discussions is where God is in all of this. I try not to, but often I question His plan in all of this. What possible benefit can there be in being infertile? I know the basic answers, that everything happens for a reason. But why for me, in particular? Is it because there is something for me to learn? Someone I am supposed to meet? Some place I am supposed to go?

After 11 years I am no closer to the answer and left with even more questions. But today I looked at it through a new set of eyes. My counselor's mother was unable to have a child until she was almost 40 years old. Her mother struggles with the same thoughts and feelings that we all have today, but without any support or outlet. One thing that she learned through it all is that it was not about she, herself, not being ready to be a mother, but about her daughter not ready to be here yet. God has a plan for each of us, of that I am certain. My plan was to have 2-3 children by now. That may have been fine with Him except the child that we are to have might need to be 20 years old in the year 2030, therefore unable to be born until 2010. The hold up on my plan might be for the timing of a future plan. I had never thought of this before.

This revelation does not make the wait easier or fun, but it does help me to put it into perspective. It is difficult not to become somewhat self absorbed while trying to achieve the dream of motherhood, but from time to time I need to step back and see that it is not always all about me. And now I can think about what my little embryos may become one day. Maybe one of them will end world hunger. Or find a cure for cancer or even infertility. Whatever it is I hope that they are very wealthy and can support me in the way that I was meant to be!!! Mansion, limos, furs and diamonds here I come!!!

Busy! Busy! Busy!

WOW! This past week has been crazy busy!! Last week both my hubby and I got sick. It was just a virus but it knocked both of us on our butts for a few days. During this we had to prepare for a wedding that we were both in. Right before the wedding I began to feel worse and went to the clinic and found that I had tonsillitis on top of it all. Yay me!! During the whole ceremony on Saturday I had a cough drop in my mouth trying to keep from disrupting the wedding. Afterwards I went home and slept for 11 hours straight. On Sunday I began to get worried because I was not feeling better yet. Actually, I was feeling worse. So I googled it. Never google symptoms!!! My symptoms were pointing to mono which would have really upset me! I have this fear of something interfering with out transfer and mono could have easily done so.

Now it is Monday and the wedding is over and we are both feeling better. Thankfully it was tonsillitis and not mono so all is good! This week I am trying to get my house under control from last week's hectic schedule. I am cleaning out my car in preparation of selling it. *sniff*sniff* I have my appointment this week for the protocol for our transfer (yay!) And then all of the regular day to day stuff that keeps me busy. But I am not complaining. In a year from now I will hopefully be begging for this kind of busy again! Especially if we have quads!!!!

Officially Day ONE

Today is officially Day One! Here is my first birth control pill, ready for consumption. I also received a call from the clinic today. The donor family is coming in for their blood testing this Sunday!!! And I have my protocol appointment next Friday, the 23rd. I am giddy with excitement! And fear!!!!! This is all so real now. Well, as real as it can be for now. I am sure that once I start the injections that it will be even more real!

So there are two prayer requests at this time: 1.) that the donor couple pass all the necessary testing and 2.) that the rest of the funds are provided. We only have 25% of the money together right now. Between now and the transfer we should easily have half of the money, but that still leaves us with about $2000 to come up with. I am planning on selling my car for the remainder of the amount, but am praying that I don't have to do that. I would rather sell my car later to put a down payment on a mini-van!

It comes in 3's

They always say that pregnancy and death always come in threes. Have you ever wondered who the all-knowing "they" are, these so called experts? But I digress. Whether there is a scientific reason behind the thought or if it is just random, it does seem that these two events do come in sets of three. So what does that mean for the infertile? It means that with every pregnancy announcement comes the hope that we will be a part of the set of three. First announcement, you hope to be either the second or the third. After the second announcement you frantically begin ttc, hoping to be announcement number three. When someone else sweeps in with the third announcement you feel dejected, that all hope it lost. Until another announcement and the cycle continues.

When you are infertile you look for anything to give you hope. It has been quite awhile since I have been in this cycle as we have not been ttc for a few years. Now that we are approaching our FET it is all coming back to me. This past Sunday at church the second pregnancy was announced. So my mind starts its endless series of craziness and I am hoping to be #3. If someone else announces before we are pregnant then I will convince myself it is because we will have triplets and will be our own set of three. Hey, I never said I was sane!!!

Can it be????

Was that red that I saw? Is aunt flo cooperating this month and arriving right on time??? Or is she playing peek-a-boo and planning on arriving later next week? If she is here to stay then I will be starting BCP's this Wednesday! When I told my hubby the good news he was less than enthused. I asked if he even knew the significance of me starting my period and he said "Yeah, it means that you will start taking the crazy pills." Poor guy! All the things that he must endure for us to have a baby. (said with extreme sarcasm)

So next week, the crazy pills!!!

Another day closer

Each day brings us closer to the transfer and it is starting to become real to me. I have actually allowed myself to look at maternity clothing online and even nursery decor. Things that I typically avoid at all costs. But now I am having fun dreaming. This could get expensive!!

Yesterday I got my flu shot which my RE said that I needed. It was my first flu shot ever. After I got it (at Walgreens) the nurse told me to walk around the store for 10 minutes in case I had a reaction. Well, that sounded reassuring!!! For 10 whole minutes I wandered around imagining horrible side effects that would prevent the transfer. I kept waiting to collapse in a fit of seizures and start foaming at the mouth or something. I don't think that those are actual side effects, but nothing has been easy on this journey so I assume that the worst would happen. With my luck I would have some freak reaction and make it into medical journals! But thankfully nothing happened and I was able to go on my way.

My hubby also got his blood work done this week. Of course he whined about it hurting. Wait till I have to start my injections!! I may stab him a time or two so that he might know what real "hurting" is like!! So now we are just waiting for aunt flo to make an appearance. My BCP's are sitting next to my bed, ready to opened. And waiting for the call from the clinic to let us know if the couple got their blood testing done. Other than that, we are ready to go!!! Bring on the embies!

My Belly is Baby Ready

I had the privilege of babysitting my new niece tonight for a few hours. It was fun to inhale her sweet baby smell. We cuddled. We rocked. We looked at Coach advertisements. I want to train her right!!! ;-)

So while I had her here I decided to use her to get my belly baby ready by introducing it to a real live baby. I laid her on my belly, hoping some of her baby mojo would find its way into my uterine wall. We talked to my lining telling it to get ready for one (or two) of these. Hopefully my body will cooperate and my embies will stick around for nine months! So now that my uterus has had a pep talk all we need to do is float a few frosties up there before the mojo wears off.

FREE OPK's and HPTs

You can get 10 free tests, no shipping fees! I selected 10 HPTs since I will be needing them next month anyway! You can get them here: http://www.freeopks.com/

Maybe a Match!

I just spoke to the coordinator at the clinic and they have a couple that is donating their embies and it looks like a very good match for us!!! She read me their health history and stats and it sounds perfect. The couple had twins with their first IVF and have 6 embies frozen. The dr needs to review everything on Wednesday and then they have to get the couple there for infectious disease testing. Here is where prayer come in: The couple lives a few/several hours away and they need to some to the office for testing. Please pray that they come soon! Hopefully by this weekend. The clinic has agreed to waive some of their storage fees for them to encourage them to come in soon.

I will begin the BCPs on CD3, which is next week. If things are not in place for these embies then I may have to allow a period then start the cycle again, but if they are ready then we are ready. The money is due 2 weeks before the transfer so that gives us, what? Four or five weeks?? AHHH! Can this really be happening!?!??! I am so excited!!!!

WIll this be the week?

When I had my last appointment the coordinator told me that if I have not heard from her by my next period to give her a call. Well, I am due to start this Friday. So I will give it to Wednesday before I call, but hopefully she calls me first. If all is ready on their end I will be starting BCPs this week or early next week! It is kind of scary and a lot exciting! So much to do!!!

We have someone coming to look at our place this week so tomorrow is going to be a day of spring cleaning. Or would it be called fall cleaning?? A friend is coming over to help me all day. Though I am home all day right now I have been quite remiss in doing any deep cleaning. When I worked I kept up so much better. Now that I am home I am in front of this computer much too often and things pile up. And I have been "planning" on having a yard sale so there is boxes of stuff in the office just taking up space. So I want to clean that up and then make everything else sparkle. Nd hopefully they will love the place and we can begin packing for a move. If we move I am sure that we will be so busy I won't have time to worry about the upcoming FET.

So off to clean before my help comes over tomorrow. I would hate to ruin my image as a clean freak!!!

Answer to prayer????

When we first got married I traveled with my husband so we decided not to buy a house but a mobile home instead. After a few years I quit traveling and we planned on buying a house. Well, you know how plan go! Eight years later and we are still here. I don't regret it as it is a nice place to live and very safe. Also, we stayed here because we chose to try to adopt and to try various fertility treatments. It seems like every time we had money saved for a down payment on a house we would have an opportunity arise and the plans for a house never materialized.

Our most recent plan was to sell this place and move into my mom's house for a few months. Then embryo donation became available and we put moving on hold again. Mainly because selling a mobile home is so difficult right now with banks not wanting to finance them. So we were hoping to get through the transfer and then try to sell it after the new year. Well God might have different plans for us! We got a call tonight about a family moving here to be closer to their family (friends of ours) and they are interested in buying our place!! They are coming to look at it next week and want to move soon. This would be awesome! And if we get what we are wanting for it then we will have enough for the transfer!

Please pray that if this is His will that this works out! I will update next week!