The past few days have been wrought with feelings of survivor's guilt. I love that I am now pregnant and that my waiting is over, but I hurt for those still waiting. I feel as though I have abandoned my infertile sisters. Like a traitor. I also feel relief that I have finally crossed to the "other side" and that makes for even more guilt. The truth is that for so many years I was the one that "left behind". I have paid my dues (11 years worth) and it is finally my turn, but it does not remove the pain of leaving others behind.
I am also struggling with where I fit in. I am still an infertile and the years of ttc will always be a part of who I am. This struggle has shaped who I am today. It has made me a survivor for I have kicked infertility's butt! For that I am proud!!! As painful as the last 11 years have been I can't forget them. It has now become a badge of honor. But now that I am going to be a mom don't I need to find my place there as well? How do I bridge the gap between the fertiles and infertiles? Which one am I? Am I both? I will never really be fertile, but I will be a mother. Yet becoming friends with fertiles feels like a betrayal to my infertile sisters.
I never realized how many emotions that I would be experiencing right now. I am praying that all of my infertile sisters would have their prayers answered this year!!!!