The past few days have been wrought with feelings of survivor's guilt. I love that I am now pregnant and that my waiting is over, but I hurt for those still waiting. I feel as though I have abandoned my infertile sisters. Like a traitor. I also feel relief that I have finally crossed to the "other side" and that makes for even more guilt. The truth is that for so many years I was the one that "left behind". I have paid my dues (11 years worth) and it is finally my turn, but it does not remove the pain of leaving others behind.
I am also struggling with where I fit in. I am still an infertile and the years of ttc will always be a part of who I am. This struggle has shaped who I am today. It has made me a survivor for I have kicked infertility's butt! For that I am proud!!! As painful as the last 11 years have been I can't forget them. It has now become a badge of honor. But now that I am going to be a mom don't I need to find my place there as well? How do I bridge the gap between the fertiles and infertiles? Which one am I? Am I both? I will never really be fertile, but I will be a mother. Yet becoming friends with fertiles feels like a betrayal to my infertile sisters.
I never realized how many emotions that I would be experiencing right now. I am praying that all of my infertile sisters would have their prayers answered this year!!!!
((((Jess,))))) I so don't feel forgotten by you and please do not feel like you are betraying your infertile sisters. I think it would be worse if you didn't remember "where you came from" (so to speak) THAT would be a betrayal.
ReplyDeleteI am so very happy for you, and after 11 years you really do deserve this. Really take the time to enjoy this time in your life.
I hope to make to the "other side" one day.
Hi Jess
ReplyDeleteFound your blog via ICLW. Congratulations on your pregnancy. It must be an exciting time for you and family. Good luck in your journey, you surely have come a long way.
Enjoy the Holidays!
I really relate to this. I didn't deal w/ IF feelings as long as you have, but I did find that once we adopted our first little one, I definitely felt a sense of separation from my other IF sisters. It was just....I was dealing with different things, had different questions, so I was talking w/ different people.....and I also felt sensitive to others' pain, & while I knew they were genuinely happy for me, I didn't really want to rub their noses in my own joy....
ReplyDeleteThere is a part of me that will always relate to those who've dealt with IF.
But now that I'm 3.5 years into parenting, I find that I much more fit in the "mom crowd," & my community is much more defined by those who are parents.
It is a bittersweet thing, but I think it's also a natural one. Just like parents of teenagers really just don't relate in the same way to parents of preschoolers...
Not sure I'm making sense...just trying to acknowledge that it's a bittersweet thing, and, I think, a natural one.
Christy
You have no reason to feel bad/guilty. I am so very happy for you, 11 years is such a long time to wait on your blessing. (But thanks so much for caring about us that are still in the waiting.)
ReplyDeleteCongrats and blessings to you!
ICLWer here.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on your pregnancy! I was actually matched with embryos from MIracles Waiting when I had a surprise natural pregnancy. You know, because I relaxed. As someone who was able to get pregnant after dealing with secondary IF, I felt all of that guilt. It's hard to fully enjoy all a pregnancy when you can't bring everyone else with you.
Best of luck to you!!