I am sitting here by the Christmas tree this morning and thinking of all that happened this year. This year has been a special one but not just because of the pregnancy. God has brought me through some trials this year and I have come out the other side a stronger person. My faith has been tried and tested and though I hated it at the time I am now thankful for who it has made me.
Many of you are doing the same, reflecting on the year. For many of you it is a painful process. Your hearts are breaking because there is still no little one to wrap gifts for, no end in sight to this infertility nightmare. You may feel empty, bereft or just numb. Whatever you are feeling right now please know that I am praying for you as I type this. I am praying that you feel His loving arms wrapped tightly around you this Christmas day.
Last year my thoughts were much different than they are now. We had just passed our 10 year ttc anniversary the October before Christmas 2008. Ten very long years. Ten years of ovulation tests, semen analysis, laparoscopies, blood work, ultrasounds, surgeries, you name it. Ten years of hopelessness and loss of our adoption dreams and one daughter that we tried to adopt. Ten years of tears, angry shouts to God, and despair. Ten years of watching my friends conceive their first, second, third and even fourth child. What hurt almost as much as not having children yet was having no hope. We could not afford IVF or adoption and our problems were too severe for other fertility treatments. We had decided to pursue embryo adoption at some point but even that seemed too far out of our reach. I had nothing to hold on to.
This year has brought me to a far different place than the last ten years. A place that I marvel at each and every day. I am pregnant. Just saying those words gives me goosebumps! I had begun to truly believe that I would never be here. But I look back now and see something I did not see before. Though we were ready to be parents our baby(s) was not ready to be born. I had always thought that this was about me/us, but there was a bigger picture. Had one thing been different we would not be having this particular child(ren). These embryos would have gone to a different home, possibly one that would not tell them about Jesus. Maybe this child(ren) will grow up in our home, accept Christ as there Saviour, and lead many others to Him. I don't know if that is what will happen, but I do know that God has a purpose for this little life and now is the appointed time.