Our journey through infertility, failed adoptions and now parenthood through the miracle of embryo adoption/donation.

Monday, May 27, 2013

selling my baby things

I have decided to sell most of my baby stuff. No, we are not quitting, but we are being realistic. We are still hopeful that we can have a second baby, but at this point there will be at LEAST four years between babies. Even if we have another girl the clothes will begin to be outdated at that time. And Maddie is quite tall and wearing a size 4T already (won't be 3 until late August) so it could be another 5 years before the stuff is used. And this is IF it even works next time.

We are keeping the baby bed, changing table and rock-n-play sleeper. The rest is going to a local consignment sale this summer. I will also keep one tub of my favorite items to save for another baby as well as for Maddie when she is older. While this is the right thing to do it feels a bit like throwing in the towel, giving up. But I am not. I am purging the old and focusing on the future. And the money that I make from selling it will go towards the baby fund.

Now to go and pack it all up. And cry a few tears as well. But also praying that soon I will be buying new things for a new baby. Maybe even a baby boy this time. :)

Thursday, May 23, 2013

unexpected kindness

Growing up my family never went to church. I rode a Sunday School bus for many years and was very involved in church. From a young age I was interested in God and learning more about Him. During that time I had many people that came into my life that mentored me and guided me spiritually. Some I am still very close to, some were there for just a season. There is one family that I was very close to until I became a teenager and while we stayed in contact we are no longer close and all went our separate ways. Now years later we are in the same church again and while not close we are friendly. The other day the husband was not feeling well and his wife, who is unable to drive, needed a ride home after church and I agreed to take her. This couple knows of our struggles to have a baby and recently I shared with them what we were doing. When I dropped her off at home I helped her take her stuff into the house. While there her husband asked me how things were going and expressed his regret that we had to cancel this cycle. He then asked that I let him know when I was ready to leave for FL and the date of the transfer as he and his wife wanted to set some time aside that day to pray for me.

Too often we hear insensitive comments about infertility and ttc, but this was not one of those times. This is from a couple that has never struggled. They don't understand this pain, yet they have compassion. They understand that 'I' hurt and they care about that. They want us to have the desires of our heart and are committed to praying for us to fulfill that desire. It really touched my heart that someone cares enough to pray for us in this way. To care. To try to understand. If only we could all learn to love others in this way.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

skipping right to surgery

I had called last week to ask my OB about ordering my HSG. He readily agreed but he said that he had to code it for infertility. After thinking about it some more I called the nurse in FL and asked her what I needed to do if the HSG did show a hydrosalpinx and she said that it would need to be removed. So in light of that, and the fact that there is a 75% chance or greater that it IS a hydrosalpinx, I just don't see the point doing the HSG. I asked the nurse if there was any reason that I couldn't just go right to a laparoscopy and she said no, but it would be up to my OB.

I decided to just make an appointment with my OB and went in yesterday. I told him that I was having a ton of endo like pain (which I am and I thank the crap ton of estrogen for that) that I would like to have a lap done to remove any adhesions. And while he is in there could he remove my tube as well. He was perfectly fine with this request and my surgery is scheduled for June 7th. If all goes well there is a possibility of proceeding with my next cycle. However, we are supposed to be out of town in July so this may throw things off and we may have to wait until late July/early August. So all in all the news is good and things are still going in the right direction.

My prayer requests are these: that if we have to pay our $1000 deductible that we can work out payments. With the $500 we lost when the cycle canceled and the $500 we will need to pay again to try again we will not have the $1000 right now. Secondly, that everything goes well and we can continue trying for a baby.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

I get knocked down.....

Wow, I cannot tell you how bad today was. I was not prepared for it at all. When the RE said that my lining was a 13 I wanted to jump up and do a happy dance. I would have too had it not been for that vagi-wand. I just couldn't imagine anything else being wrong. It was just January when I had my last u/s and everything was fine. It never occurred to me that something could change so quickly. but it did. And now it is over. For now.

Today I was really considering not trying again. I am honestly tired of it all. This has been a 15 year battle and when you add up the surgeries, tests, failed adoptions, unsuccessful IUIs, infections, set backs, canceled cycles and an unsuccessful FET a few months ago it gets overwhelming. Very! But then I look at Maddie and know that she was worth every. single. minute. Every tear. Every dollar. Ever failure. Everything! And with the support of my amazing hubby we will move forward.

Here is where things stand right now. We canceled the flight and have been credited the $350 towards a future flight. There is a $200 re-booking fee but we are going to email the customer care department and ask if it can be waived. But if not at least we didn't lose all of the money.

I spoke with the local RE and they will order the test but the diagnosis code is for infertility. That is the only code they will use. Considering this is more than just infertility (could be a sign of infection....though unlikely) I am hoping to have it covered by insurance. I have a call into my OB about having him order it and since I also have endo and am having pain from it maybe he can code it in some other way. I also called the imaging place recommended by the local RE (stating that it was the least expensive place) and if it is self pay it will be $300. I was pleasantly surprised as I thought it was be triple that. It might even be less if my OB comes and does the test, but I still have to check on that.

Tomorrow I will call the nurse in FL back and ask her a few questions. Mainly I want to know what needs to be done if there is fluid in there. If I will need to have a laparoscopy to correct it I may opt for the lap from the start to expedite the process. I also need to ask how long I will need to wait before trying again. And I am praying that my period starts soon so I can get started on all of this. Last time it was supposed to start in 3-4 days and it took over 40 days.

Thank you for all of the words of encouragement and support. It was greatly needed and appreciated. You all are awesome!!!!

Maybe it is time to give up

I went today for my lining scan and at first everything was perfect. My lining was right where the RE wanted it (had been too thick previously) and I was so excited. Then the RE (my local one) said that it looked like there was fluid in one of my tubes. My heart just sank. I knew that this was it, the cycle was doomed. And I was right, it has been canceled. I am devastated. I have to stop meds today and schedule an HSG. I have no idea if this will be covered by insurance. I don't even know who I should call to have it ordered. My local RE is one that I only see for monitoring. I called and left a message with both my OBs office and the REs office and hopefully I will find something out tomorrow.

A part of my just wants to quit. Maybe it is time,  I don't know. Hubby is being really supportive and encouraging, but I just don't know if I can keep doing this. I hate throwing so much money away. This time it was for absolutely nothing. I will have nothing to show for this. Well, maybe more medical bills.

I am just sick over all of this. Sick and tired and discouraged. I just don't know what to do. Maybe God is telling us to stop. Maybe not. I just wish I knew.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

getting closer!

Flight booked                        CHECK!

Hotel booked                         CHECK!

Appointments scheduled       CHECK!

Rides to the airport                CHECK!

Sunscreen purchased             CHECK!

Hair dyed                               CHECK!

Things are moving along! I have to still reserve a rental car but am waiting until Thursday to do that. Most places won't refund your money if you cancel it so we are waiting until after the lining scan on Thursday. I have just about everything else ready to go. I do need a pedicure and hope to get that Thursday as well.

There was a change of plans on the meds. My copay went up a LOT for the Crinone so I am sticking with the Endometrin. If anyone has some that they no longer need I am interested in it if I get a BFP. I have enough for 6 weeks but will need another 6 weeks worth if pregnant.

Now my biggest decision is whether to buy any pregnancy tests. I haven't decided if I will test or not. Most likely I will. I am not good at waiting at all. This time I might get the cheapies from the internet. Any recommendations to help feed my addiction????

Friday, May 10, 2013

Everything is in place....almost!

So I have decided to use the Crinone instead of the Endometrin. The best answer that I could get from my insurance is that the Endo would be $125 a month and the Crinone $45 a month (I think). Even though I have more of the Endo it will cost me more in the end. Almost double, actually. So I will be gifting the Endometrin to someone that needs it. Please send me an email if you are interested.

I have my lining check on Thursday and will start progesterone then, antibiotics shortly thereafter. My flight is booked. I have decided to rent a car while there though driving in Jacksonville is giving me anxiety just thinking about it!!! But to use cabs and shuttle services will be over $100, more if I want to go to the beach. And I want to go to the beach!!! So a car it is.

I do not have a hotel booked. Someone recommended hotelcoupons.com to me and they have a coupon you can print for a walk in special for the Hampton Inn for $70. I am thinking about trying to use this as it the hotel is right by the hospital and that is a great price. Have any of you used this site or coupons before?

Before I leave I have a TON of stuff to do. A TON!!!!!! Tomorrow we are having our yard sale finally. Every single Saturday we have had rain. Tomorrow is supposed to be 70 and sunny with maybe a spot shower in the afternoon. Hopefully we have a great turn out and make some money. This will go towards lining scan and spending money while I am there. The flight and transfer are already paid for, the cab is cheap and the meds are paid for. Not much left, praise the Lord!!!

Also, my hubby is having the house cleaned for me while I am gone so I need to get everything picked up for her. She is a friend that is starting her own cleaning business and she is giving us a great deal. I am excited about this!!! How wonderful to come home to a clean house!

The days leading up to my departure are filled up. I have an all day activity at church the Sunday before as well as watching a friend's 1 year old twins the day before. It will be crazy! But I will appreciate the quiet and solitude that much more. And the beach. Must appreciate the beach!

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Endometrin or Crinone??

So I start my progesterone next Thursday. Last time I used Crinone and it was my $45 copay. I have two boxes left (about 2 weeks worth). I was also given a month's worth of Endometrin and the clinic is giving me another 2 weeks worth. However, I have no idea what my copay will be and insurance won't tell me. Neither will the pharmacies until I get an RX sent to them and they process it. This is ridiculous!!!! I have no idea why my insurance company can't tell me.

So, has anyone ever had one and not the other covered? I would just stick with Crinone but now I am not even sure if that is covered. Crinone is also 2x a day, Endometrin 3x a day. This is a real pain in the butt!!!

If anyone has one or the other they want to trade or sell cheap please let me know!!! Or know of a pharmacy that can check my benefits without me placing the order?

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Flight booked and date changed

Yesterday I scheduled my FET for the 23rd, but when I went to book the flight I was not happy with them at all. Some were 8+ hours with two layover. Others meant I had to find a ride at 4:30 am. (yuck!!) And another was putting my return flight in the middle of rush hour or near midnight. So I called the clinic and they said that I had a 2-3 day window that we could play with so I ended up finding a good flight with a good price for the 21st. So my transfer date is now the 22nd. WOOT!

I am still needing to book the hotel. I had one chosen but I called to ask about shuttle service (that a website stated they had) but they do not offer it. They are really close to the clinic which I really liked since it would keep the cab fare down, but now I have to start over. I will most likely stay closer to the airport, but that means I will not get to go to the beach since that would mean more cab fare. I guess that we shall see what I can find.

Ahh!!! In 2 weeks I will be in Florida, ready to meet my babies!!!!!

Saturday, May 4, 2013

And so it begins!!!

Today is CD1 and I started my meds for the transfer. WOOHOO!!!!!!! I will call on Monday to schedule my lining check, get my transfer date, book my flight and hotel and start getting everything ready. My transfer will be around the 23rd. I am super excited and super, duper scared. I am still waiting on my results from the lupus anticoagulant test, but should have that on Monday. Everything is moving along!

In other news I have purchased my domain name and have started my EDA website. It will be a site to educate and provide resources for all things EDA related. I am adding links to ED and EA blogs and have already added those that are listed on this blog. If you do NOT want yours added please let me know ASAP. If you have one that you DO want added please let me know that as well. I am really excited to get this up and running and hope to have it ready in about a month.