Our journey through infertility, failed adoptions and now parenthood through the miracle of embryo adoption/donation.

Friday, October 29, 2010

bonding...or lack thereof

This post is one of the hardest for me to write. In my head I know that my feelings are normal, but my heart disagrees. I also know that if I am experiencing this that there are others out there going through the exact same thing. Or one day will be. So I decided to blog about it and share my struggle in hopes of helping someone else feel less alone. And to find support from those that have been there.

For 12 years I dreamed of having a baby. I imagined the pregnancy test showing positive. I planned how I would tell my hubby and then my family. I had the names chosen and the nursery decorated. We all have ideals of how life should go, but rarely does it happen this way. Infertility threw a huge monkey wrench into all of our plans. Once we got pregnant I thought that it would be smooth sailing. I just knew that once Maddie was here everything would be idyllic. The first moment that I saw her I loved her. She was perfect. She was mine. But there was no bond. I assumed that it was from lack of sleep and tons of drugs. Once we came home that bond still did not form and again I assumed it was from lack of sleep. It has been 2 months now and while there is now a bond, it is not a strong one. Just yesterday I said to her "Aunt Jessie loves you."

I think that there are several reasons for this. One is that it did take us so long to have a baby. I had 12 years to become used to life as a family of two. Another is that we lost a baby in a failed adoption. Having to say good-bye to Abbie was one of the most difficult things that I have every endured. I thought that I was over it but having Maddie has caused many of these feelings to resurface. And the last reason is probably hormonal. All of this combined has caused feelings of inadequacy. No one can fault my care of my daughter but there is obviously something missing. Thankfully my hubby has bonded with her, though at times this breaks my heart. I love that they are so close but it hurts to see them together knowing that her and I do not share this same magical bond.

I have been told that for some women it takes time to form this bond and I am trying not to be too hard on myself. But I will say that after waiting so long for my little girl I had hoped that it would have happened by now. Until then I will cuddle her and love her, slowly letting her work her way into my heart forever.

15 comments:

  1. I believe the bond is deeper than you feel right now. It's not always about feelings! And I believe this will change for you as time goes on! Do we always feel God's presence? No, But He is there working miracles inspite of what we feel! There is a bond happening that is beyond what you feel right now!

    One thing I've been thinking of alot lately is how much one of kiddos looks like their donor dad. And that's ok with me, but I seem to think about it often. Then the other day it hit me, This child is the image of God himself! Our adopted children may not look like us, but they look like God! And it's beautiful! I realize this may be off the subject, but something I wanted to share.

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  2. Thank you for sharing your heart. I can't say I totally relate -- we adopted our son through domestic adoption and the bond was immediate -- but I did fall into some post-adoption depression (very similar to post-partum and it's actually a diagnosis!) I would encourage you to do some research about it. Just knowing others go through it was a big comfort. And, yes, after the lack of sleep left and I was able to feel a little more like myself, the clouds lifted.

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  3. I have heard that a lot of women experience this. I'll be praying for you!

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  4. I can't say that I can relate to this at all after adopting 7 children-2 as older children, 4 as newborns and recently giving birth to our embryo adopted angel, I experienced none of this. I felt a bond instantly even with the older kids. But I will pray for you that God will change your heart soon and allow. Have you thought about counseling?

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  5. Totally normal; don't feel weird about it! What Angela said... the bond is deeper than you FEEL right now.. so true. It can take varying amounts of time depending on so many factors. With my youngest, it took about 2 weeks. With my oldest, it took over a year... but we had extreme attachment and behavior issues and she was 6.5 years old when she came home. Even moms who have had NO trouble conceiving (I have a friend) can experience this w/ a bio child. You'll get there!

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  6. I jsut stumbled upon your blog from a friend's blog-Congrats on your new baby!

    Be sure to check in with your OB/GYN...you could be experiencing Post Partum Depression as well.

    Don't be hard on yourself, it will come, but PLEASE seek help now!

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  7. You do have a bond, and it will strengthen over time. You said in your post "as soon as i saw her, I loved her, but there was no bond". To me, loving someone is a bond. I agree with the post that said maybe check out the chance that it's postpartum depression. It can't hurt, right?
    You obviously love her, are proud of her, and take good care of her. As long as you don't have negative feelings toward her, and she is recieving your loving attention and care, she'll be bonding to you, her mother.

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  8. Sorry, had to post again. I read my comment after it was posted and I thought it looked a little patronizing, which was not what i intended. I had a mild PPD with my last baby and along with being exhausted, it took a toll emotionally. I think you're doing a great job. And of course everything you've gone through to get here has to make it hard to trust that this is for real this time. Even though your eyes can see that it is, your heart may need some time to catch up.

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  9. I kind of know what you are saying. The only thing I was ever 'Mama' to was my dog. I was his mama for 6 years before we got AJ. Then when AJ was taken away for those 6.5 weeks, when we got him back, it was very hard for me for a few weeks. I don't know if I was scared deep down that she may take him again before the legal stuff was done... It really did take some time for me to get used to calling myself 'Mama' to a human...lol!
    I think you are going to be just fine. I am with some of the others though, maybe you should talk to your ob/gyn. I did-thru tears-and was told how normal I was (much to my surprise...lol) Sure wish I was there IRL to give you a big hug!
    You're gonna make it Mama!!

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  10. While I never had PPD, with #1 I now realize in hindsight I was so completely sleep deprived-overwhelmed (he had colic) that the first several months are a blur, I stopped driving after falling asleep at the wheel once.I would sleep but with the bassinet in the room and would check on him every whimper, I never slept deeply. I really pushed myself to nurse and would cry if I ended up supplementing. My hormones didn't straighten themselves out till about 6 months post postpartum and I had a natural birth. Don't underestimate what your body has been through or be too hard on yourself.

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  11. That is completely normal. I have heard many women say this, but most are afraid to admit it. Suggestion: Get a thing to wear her in. Something that puts her up against your chest. Beco and Ergo have carriers that have infant inserts. There is also the Bjorn, but I wouldn't use that past 3 or 4 months (it's uncomfortable for mom and baby). So instead of keeping her in the infant seat, carry or "wear" her in a carrier. It is very bonding, and it made a HUGE difference for me.

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  12. Oh also, baby massage. Strip her down to her diaper, get some baby oil or sensitive skin lotion, and give her light massages, scratch her back, rub her head. Not sure if you're breastfeeding, but if not don't underestimate the bonding power of skin to skin contact. You could get in the bath tub with her (put on your bathing suit if you feel weird about it). Eye contact is also important for bonding - I know I look at E, but I have to make a point to make prolonged actual eye contact.

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  13. I think your feelings are valid.I can understand what you say that your are feeling.I hope that your bonding with your daughter continues to grow etc.I know you mentioned your conselor too.You have had enough years of being just you two and failed attempts of adoption etc.This is a life changer for you and I can see why you feel this way.I willkeep praying for you.Keep the faith.Love your blog too.

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  14. You have been through a lot...emotionally and physically. I have a biological child, and I had similar feelings for the first couple of months. I couldn't believe it or understand it...and I felt positive that I did not have PPD...but I found out later there are some unusual symptoms that are not as common, and maybe it was a touch of that....however, I just want to encourage you and let you know that time does amazing things, and that one day you will hand your baby over to someone to hold...or a similar situation...and then you will see it and feel it and you will say...my precious baby...and it will be like the fog is clearing. give it some time and some healing...and let all the feelings of your first baby get sorted through, and it will happen :)

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