This post is one of the hardest for me to write. In my head I know that my feelings are normal, but my heart disagrees. I also know that if I am experiencing this that there are others out there going through the exact same thing. Or one day will be. So I decided to blog about it and share my struggle in hopes of helping someone else feel less alone. And to find support from those that have been there.
For 12 years I dreamed of having a baby. I imagined the pregnancy test showing positive. I planned how I would tell my hubby and then my family. I had the names chosen and the nursery decorated. We all have ideals of how life should go, but rarely does it happen this way. Infertility threw a huge monkey wrench into all of our plans. Once we got pregnant I thought that it would be smooth sailing. I just knew that once Maddie was here everything would be idyllic. The first moment that I saw her I loved her. She was perfect. She was mine. But there was no bond. I assumed that it was from lack of sleep and tons of drugs. Once we came home that bond still did not form and again I assumed it was from lack of sleep. It has been 2 months now and while there is now a bond, it is not a strong one. Just yesterday I said to her "Aunt Jessie loves you."
I think that there are several reasons for this. One is that it did take us so long to have a baby. I had 12 years to become used to life as a family of two. Another is that we lost a baby in a failed adoption. Having to say good-bye to Abbie was one of the most difficult things that I have every endured. I thought that I was over it but having Maddie has caused many of these feelings to resurface. And the last reason is probably hormonal. All of this combined has caused feelings of inadequacy. No one can fault my care of my daughter but there is obviously something missing. Thankfully my hubby has bonded with her, though at times this breaks my heart. I love that they are so close but it hurts to see them together knowing that her and I do not share this same magical bond.
I have been told that for some women it takes time to form this bond and I am trying not to be too hard on myself. But I will say that after waiting so long for my little girl I had hoped that it would have happened by now. Until then I will cuddle her and love her, slowly letting her work her way into my heart forever.