Our journey through infertility, failed adoptions and now parenthood through the miracle of embryo adoption/donation.

Monday, October 25, 2010

An infertile girl...

A few posts ago I mentioned that I was still an infertile girl living in a fertile world. That phrase struck a chord with several fellow bloggers that now have a child. Miss Maddie is now 2 months old and though I thoroughly enjoy my new role as a mother, I still struggle with where I fit in. I will be honest, I was not expecting this. And I am a bit angry that infertility has stolen this from me as well. Yes, I can discuss diaper brands and spitting up with the best of them, but I still feel like I am on the outside looking in. Like I don't fully belong. And it is no one's fault as other mothers treat me as though I am a regular ole fertile woman. But in my heart I know the truth. Conception will never be easy for us. And the past 11 years cannot be erased in 9 short months.

My pastor's wife recently asked me about a friend and if they were ttc yet. Unfortunately I had to tell her that they were having trouble. During the course of this conversation she mentioned that I must have really enjoyed Mother's Day this year and I immediately teared up, but not for reasons she assumed. It was not because I was overcome with joy thinking of Mother's Day, but because the feelings of sadness and inadequacy came flooding back in a rush. She was very kind and listened to me as I explained that though I was very thankful for my miracle baby it will be some time before my bruised heart will fully embrace a day that has been so painful for me for many years. A day that many of my friends still dread.

A part of me hates that infertility is still a part of me, but there are times that I am thankful for it as well. A few weeks ago I attended a bridal shower for a friend that was afraid that she would never marry. We shared the common bond of not belonging. She without a husband, me without a child. During the course of the night she shared her heart. She struggled with being single while watching her friends marry, wondering what God's plan was for her. I am not sure how or why, but I shared a bit of our struggle with infertility and understanding His plan in all of this madness. I thought nothing of this conversation until yesterday. A relative of the bride, someone I had never met, told me that something I had said spoke to her. She then shared of her and her husband's 2 year struggle to conceive. It broke my heart to hear it and I wished that I could make it all go away. But I cannot. What I can do is pray for them and offer a listening ear if ever she needs it. It is at times like this that I am very thankful that I remember what infertility feels like. It gives infertility a reason, a purpose. Without moments like this my struggle was in vain.


  1. I am feeling the same now. It is difficult, and no one else understands who hasn't been there. Its not their fault, its just impossible to truly understand. BUT you're so right! That is where infertility has its purpose. For us to share with others and most importantly to listen to others hearts who are going through the struggle. Thank you for you post and honesty. We have much to be thankful for but we will never forget.

  2. Thank you for posting this. I'm 35 weeks now, and I have been feeling like this since the beginning of my pregnancy--but even moreso as the day we finally meet our DS approaches....I'm praying that it doesn't affect my ability to bond with DS or other mothers....but thank you for sharing your heart and your story. I really do believe being a support for others is one of the main reasons God allowed me to go through this difficult time in my life. HUGS!

  3. You and me both, sister. It does rob you of that innocence. I still feel infertile; I always will. It is a part of me. Having Bobby and Maya, having Nicholas, Sophia, Alexander, and our miscarried babies- that doesnt change it for me.

    Big hugs...

  4. Yes, I totally agree. Thank you for sharing this.

  5. I have come to a personally understanding that I will never fit it. I am infertile and finally a mommy thru adoption. But even our adoption was not 'normal'. So I don't even fit in with adoption play groups.
    IF, of all things it can be, is a thief.

  6. I totally agree too! I don't write many comments but I have been following your blog for awhile now. I have a daughter who was domestically adopted and a daughter through EA. To this day, I look back on my pregnancy and think it never happened because it is so hard to believe. I actually have to take out pictures to confirm that I actually was pregnant! In regards to Mother's Day, I still cry every year and I have a hard time celebrating it! I love my kids and being a mother but I grieve for childless couples and my old life and struggles. I am just SO glad to know that others feel that same way and that we all are trying to figure out where in the world we fit in. My children are my testimony and I praise God for that! That being said, that infertility scar is still there and will be there for the rest of my life. I have come to realize that my life and story are unique and I have to use it to glorify God who is the ULTIMATE Giver of Life! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts! These are obviously common unspoken thoughts that bond all of us together and definitely needed to be written down for all of us to read!


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