Yesterday we attended a wedding for a friend of ours and saw some people that we had not seen in years. One man congratulated us on having a baby and said that Maddie was just "Priceless." I jokingly answered "Oh, no, she was expensive. I know exactly how much she cost. I have the receipts!". Though said in fun it saddens me that it is true. For couples struggling with infertility the cost of tests and procedures are often a deterrent. Yesterday my brother announced that he and his girlfriend are expecting. This was not planned nor welcome, but something they will make the best of. My mom said that my sister is trying for her second baby soon and then I (me) will be next. I thought it sweet that I was included and that they are so sure that we will have another child, but the truth of the matter is that there is no guarantee. Not only do we have to be matched with embryos but we have to save up the money. And even then it is, at most, a 50% chance of success.
I wanted to be angry at my brother and his girlfriend for their fertile abilities. But the truth is, I can't. They tried everything nott to get pregnant. She had just received a denial from her insurance company to have her tubes tied 2 days before she found out she was pregnant!! She is not the mothering type and already has an 11 year old son. She is not a bad mom, just not happy to be a mom. It did sting a bit when I heard their announcement, but anger did not enter the picture. I think because the only person that I could be angry at is God. They were careful not to get pregnant yet God still allowed it. I don't understand it, nor do I like it. But it is what it is. I will love this little niece or nephew like I love the others. But I do not, at all, understand why my siblings can pop out babies like Pez dispensers when it takes me many years and thousands of dollars. And I am the only one that actually wanted children. No matter where I am in my infertility journey I will never understand it. But I do know that He has a plan and my job is not to understand it, but to follow it. And right now His plan is for me to be a mom to my Priceless little girl. And pray that His plan includes another one some day in the near future.
Man, I so relate to this entire post. I am the only infertile one in my whole family. And like you, I will never, ever understand God's reasoning behind this 'life' He chose for me (or my neices & nephew who's mother-my sister-completely sucks as a mom). It has become a huge stumbling block for me and God. One that I haven't quite made it over yet. Ugh. I loathe infertility.
ReplyDeleteI understand your feelings as well. I seem to be the only one in my family who has had to struggle with infertility, while watching the unmarried, teenagers get pregnant accidentally. I don't understand it either but I know that God is using our IF to shape me into the woman He wants me to be. I pray I can glorify Him in spite of my circumstances.
ReplyDeleteOH Jess! (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteYou just told me your brother's story and how he would NEVER have kids with his current girlfriend.
Ughhhh. This could get interesting.
oh, boy, i so *get* this. we are adopting our little one from korea and now everytime i hear about large amounts of money, i equate it babies...like, our friends' just bought a new car and i see and i think, that could have paid for another baby! sigh...and yes, it is SO very hard to see others who don't want children pop out babies and complain about it when it is what i want so very badly...it's so hard to understand and something i really want to ask God about when i get to heaven. i know He's teaching me a lot through this, but man, it is STINKIN' hard!
ReplyDelete~iclw~
One of my cousins recently went to get her tubes tied and found out she was pregnant with her third--all accidental, all with a guy she was about to break up with but now will stay awhile since they have another kid on the way. It really makes no sense whatsoever, but I do have to think there's some reason behind it when you've got your darling baby girl and we've got our perfect little boy and they wouldn't have found their way to us if not for all the trouble. But still, news like that just sets up my "no fair!" alerts.
ReplyDeleteMany hugs to you! I so hope you are able to have another in the future if you decide to pursue it.
ReplyDeleteICLW
http://daega99-arewethereyet.blogspot.com/
I know you are enjoying that PRICELESS precious one : ) I pray that when you are ready to have more children it comes easily for you, funding and all other areas! : )
ReplyDeleteI don't get it either, and it's very hard to accept that we'll never have those answers.
ReplyDeleteThere is a woman in jail in our area because she left her newborn to freeze on a country road near her parent's home. About a year later, the police found her car, and there were the remains of 2 more infants in the trunk. 3 babies, 3 different fathers, so many people saddened that she didn't allow someone else to love those precious lives. I'll never understand.
Then there are the rest of us who hope, pray, and save $ for a baby that may or may not come into our lives. *sigh*
All I can say about your brother's new baby is at least it will have a lovely Christian aunt and uncle to watch out for it if need be.
Hoping and praying that your one priceless miracle is joined by another miracle in the future.
ReplyDeleteICLW #14