Yesterday we attended a wedding for a friend of ours and saw some people that we had not seen in years. One man congratulated us on having a baby and said that Maddie was just "Priceless." I jokingly answered "Oh, no, she was expensive. I know exactly how much she cost. I have the receipts!". Though said in fun it saddens me that it is true. For couples struggling with infertility the cost of tests and procedures are often a deterrent. Yesterday my brother announced that he and his girlfriend are expecting. This was not planned nor welcome, but something they will make the best of. My mom said that my sister is trying for her second baby soon and then I (me) will be next. I thought it sweet that I was included and that they are so sure that we will have another child, but the truth of the matter is that there is no guarantee. Not only do we have to be matched with embryos but we have to save up the money. And even then it is, at most, a 50% chance of success.
I wanted to be angry at my brother and his girlfriend for their fertile abilities. But the truth is, I can't. They tried everything nott to get pregnant. She had just received a denial from her insurance company to have her tubes tied 2 days before she found out she was pregnant!! She is not the mothering type and already has an 11 year old son. She is not a bad mom, just not happy to be a mom. It did sting a bit when I heard their announcement, but anger did not enter the picture. I think because the only person that I could be angry at is God. They were careful not to get pregnant yet God still allowed it. I don't understand it, nor do I like it. But it is what it is. I will love this little niece or nephew like I love the others. But I do not, at all, understand why my siblings can pop out babies like Pez dispensers when it takes me many years and thousands of dollars. And I am the only one that actually wanted children. No matter where I am in my infertility journey I will never understand it. But I do know that He has a plan and my job is not to understand it, but to follow it. And right now His plan is for me to be a mom to my Priceless little girl. And pray that His plan includes another one some day in the near future.