When we first were diagnosed with PI (primary infertility) I had very little compassion on anyone suffering from SI (secondary infertility). I mean, seriously, you already have one child and now you are whining because you can't have another all while I just want one?? Man, did I have a lot to learn! After about 6 years of infertility I joined the Stepping Stones forum and I met many wonderful women, many dealing with SI. Through this I learned that wanting a second or third baby is not like wanting a second car or a new house. It is not discontent with the child that you have, it is a natural desire to add to your family. It is about having so much love to share and wanting to nurture and raise more children. I began to have compassion on these women. And now I am one...sort of....
Embryo Adoption is....well....unique. Technically I do not have a biological child, yet I have given birth. In some ways I am an adoptive mom and still suffering from PI. But given that I gave birth to this adopted child I am now more SI than PI. So I consider myself to have SI and am surprised by the emotions that I feel now. Even given what I have learned from other SI women it has thrown me for a loop. I thought for sure that once I had a baby that I would be content for awhile. That is not the case. I am wanting to be pregnant again. Right now! During the 11 years of infertility I was always aware of what I was missing, but now that I have experienced it firsthand, I really know what I was missing. And it terrifies me that I may never get to experience it again. I loved being pregnant and it saddens me that there is no guarantee that I will ever get to do it again. My hubby has told me that I need to rest and trust in Him and he is right. I just love my Maddie so much and I want to give her a sibling or two. I want a house full of littles, running around and making messes. I hate that infertility has made it so difficult for me to have this. It also hurts me more now to see other women still waiting. I want this for all of you! It seems so unfair that all of us cannot experience pregnancy and being a mother. Our bodies were made to do this and I will never understand why infertility exists. My head knows that God has His reasons, but my bruised heart has a harder time accepting it.
Will you be trying the EA route again?
ReplyDeleteYes, we will. We will have to use a new clinic this time though. Our other one closed. We hope to try again in another year.
ReplyDeleteI so understand!!! I sobbed when my water broke and have been looking forward to becoming pregnant again even before delivering!!!
ReplyDeleteI need to focus on God's timing!!!
Don't worry, I just know it will happen for both of us again!!!
Hugs!!!
Boy, I know that feeling! :)
ReplyDeleteI never really went through that until I struggled with IF before PookieBear was born. I remember holding her days old wanting to be PG right away. 3 years later and 4 more children in heaven, I am still waiting too! A lovely, heartfelt post!
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ReplyDeleteI presented you with an award today over at my place : )
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to hear that you are having such a great experience that it makes you want to do it again. Awesome!
ReplyDeleteI am walking in your shoes right now and I wonder what to do???? Thanks for this post!
ReplyDeleteI wrote a post similar to this a while back. The link to it can be found on the left side of my blog under "What I wish everyone knew about women struggling with secondary infertility."
ReplyDeletePerspective is an amazing thing, and sometimes it is a downright B**** when you thought things were so black and white. Then you make it to the other side of the fence and find out it is more gray than you ever could have imagined.
I had the hardest time explaining to people that it wasn't that one baby wasn't enough. That just because I had one, the desire for more didn't simply go away, but that it became stronger because I now knew first hand what I was missing. Before I only had an inkling. I could only imagine. Now I KNOW.
It is definitely different being on this side of it, isn't it? I completely hear you.
I truly appreciate this post. I'm experiencing SI (been TTC 25 months for baby #2) and, although I in no way want to compare my experience with women suffering from PI, it is still the same pain. The longing to add to the family and release all that motherly love I have to give. I'm very happy I came across your blog and am now a follower! :) You are very honest and raw in your posts and I feel I can really relate to you.
ReplyDelete~Bobbi @ www.thejohnsonsjourney.com