Our journey through infertility, failed adoptions and now parenthood through the miracle of embryo adoption/donation.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Different set of rules for infertiles??

Being a new mom is exhausting!! No one would dispute that fact. It was something that I knew ahead of time, but nothing can truly prepare you for it. And lately Maddie has been really fussy. Compound that crabbiness with bleary eyed exhaustion and it leaves you frustrated. But all of that I can handle. What I can't is the "reprimands" I receive from almost everyone. No one tells a fertile first time mom that "this is what you wanted". Or "just be glad that she is healthy". No, they empathize with her and reassure her that all will get better in time. So because I waited longer I am not allowed to be frustrated? Do they think that I am like a bear and was able to store up sleep over the past 12 years and now I should be fine with 3 hours a night?? Or because my house was silent for so long that the incessant crying is fun??? Just because I love my daughter does not mean I love walking around like a zombie. Or that I enjoy my house looking like ground zero. I may be infertile but I am still human! And truthfully, if a fellow infertile that was still waiting were to pass judgement I could understand it. I, too, felt that way when I was waiting. But these are fertiles and I want to slap them each time I hear one of these comments.

I am just as guilty for putting too high of expectations on myself. I want to be perfect. June Cleaver. Instead I feel more like Roseanne Barr. I am learning to go with the flow and not expect perfection. I want to look back on this time and remember Maddie's first smile, not that my house was always clean. I want to remember her new baby smell, not how I was able to find time to do the laundry and the dishes while cooking dinner every night. So if I can cut myself some slack why can't others?

So if you see that my blog goes quiet for awhile it might be that in my sleep deprived state I kicked some fertiles butt, landing myself in jail for a few weeks. At least then I could get more than 3 hours sleep a night!!!! =D


  1. I think those frustrated feelings are experienced by mothers the world over and you absolutely have a right to feel them. Sorry others are making you feel otherwise, as you said you are still human and just like everyone else have needs, sleep being one of those. Hope things calm down a bit for you soon and you're able to get a bit more sleep & enjoy the memories you're making with your daughter. And as for those judgmental fertile types, give it to them girl:)

  2. I think it would be great for you to have a pre-rehearsed response. Something like, "Of course I wanted MADDIE. I love her with all of my heart. But I am human and newborns can be frustrating and exhausting, wouldn't you agree?"

    It might be empowering to let them know that their response to you is hurtful without being purposely stinging to them, we do want to keep your June Cleaver status, don't we?

  3. You are SO right. I try not to complain ever because I know that I would trash the person making the "innocent" comment, but there are times where I'd love to just let it out sometimes.

  4. People with there 'well intended' advice drive me nuts! If I heard "this is what you wanted and prayed for for so long...." once, I've heard it a million times. Each month is a whole new 'issue' to learn through...my son is about to be 4 and I still hear it.
    If you can, just put them out of your mind and don't ever take what they say to heart. If you do, you will drown yourself in guilt that is completely unnecessary! Believe me, you will have enough of your own 'mother's guilt' without the help of anyone...lol!

  5. I hope that whenever anyone says that to you, you rip them a new one. You can always blame it on sleep deprivation later. :D

    I completely agree. NO ONE has the right to tell you that you deserve to be sleep deprived, frustrated, and feeling unhuman because you were an infertile who fought so hard to become a mother. I can't even put into words how angry it makes me to think anyone has said that to you. I just want to go slap some faces with you.


    Just remember, it gets easier as the baby gets older. Cling to that thought because some days, it might be the only thought that helps you make it through.

    *BIG hugs*

  6. Wow, really? That is so unfair that people say that to you!! Never ever would I say that to anyone! People suck and deserve a punch in the mouth for that comment.

  7. I hear ya! It's like no matter what us infertiles can't seemed to be like "normal moms" when that is all we really are. I hope that things get better- and hey at least you can vent on your blog:)

  8. My wife and I still hear comments like this after 8 years. There are just no social graces for what to say to people during infertility so I guess we can't expect much difference when we become 'after infertility parents.' I used to get into it with friends/relatives when my wife was just too tired to deal with the BS...they seemed to forget that maybe we were EXTRA tired because the journey was a little more arduous to get to the parenthood days. But I realized I was using up energy that was better spent enjoying the miracle of finally having our bundle of joy. You've more than earned every grumpy, irritated, exhausted parent stressed moment you have coming!! :)


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