Being a new mom is exhausting!! No one would dispute that fact. It was something that I knew ahead of time, but nothing can truly prepare you for it. And lately Maddie has been really fussy. Compound that crabbiness with bleary eyed exhaustion and it leaves you frustrated. But all of that I can handle. What I can't is the "reprimands" I receive from almost everyone. No one tells a fertile first time mom that "this is what you wanted". Or "just be glad that she is healthy". No, they empathize with her and reassure her that all will get better in time. So because I waited longer I am not allowed to be frustrated? Do they think that I am like a bear and was able to store up sleep over the past 12 years and now I should be fine with 3 hours a night?? Or because my house was silent for so long that the incessant crying is fun??? Just because I love my daughter does not mean I love walking around like a zombie. Or that I enjoy my house looking like ground zero. I may be infertile but I am still human! And truthfully, if a fellow infertile that was still waiting were to pass judgement I could understand it. I, too, felt that way when I was waiting. But these are fertiles and I want to slap them each time I hear one of these comments.
I am just as guilty for putting too high of expectations on myself. I want to be perfect. June Cleaver. Instead I feel more like Roseanne Barr. I am learning to go with the flow and not expect perfection. I want to look back on this time and remember Maddie's first smile, not that my house was always clean. I want to remember her new baby smell, not how I was able to find time to do the laundry and the dishes while cooking dinner every night. So if I can cut myself some slack why can't others?
So if you see that my blog goes quiet for awhile it might be that in my sleep deprived state I kicked some fertiles butt, landing myself in jail for a few weeks. At least then I could get more than 3 hours sleep a night!!!! =D