Our journey through infertility, failed adoptions and now parenthood through the miracle of embryo adoption/donation.

Saturday, October 30, 2010


First, I want to say thank you to everyone for your comments on my previous post. Second, I think that I have finally figured out what is causing this, especially the increased feeling of detachment lately.

After reading the comments and suggestions I examined myself a bit. Honestly, I do not think that I have PPD at all. Not even slightly. I have none of the symptoms. Also, sleep deprivation isn't the issue either. Maddie is sleeping much better at night now, which is lovely! As for counseling I had already decided to call and make an appointment for next week. It was while thinking about talking about all of this that the answer came to me. Well, that, and calling Maddie by another name twice last night. I called her Abbie. Now, it seems like that would be an easy thing to do since the names are so similar. But honestly, I never call her Abbie. I do, however, call her Bella, which is one of my niece's names. But I never call her Abbie. It finally dawned on me that it was losing Abbie that is causing all of my anxiety and detachment. And when I say detachment I don't mean completely detached, just that a small part of me is held back from Maddie.

Maddie is now 9 weeks old....the age that Abbie was when I sat down to write a letter to her mother, demanding that she make a decision. Either allow us to adopt her or find her a new home. (mother was in prison and playing games) Subconsciously I must have been thinking about this. I cannot even begin to tell you how difficult losing Abbie was for me. I wrote the letter at 9 weeks, received a letter from her mother the following week that she would find her a new home, at 11 weeks I spoke to a foster family that was willing to take her and for the next 2 weeks I mourned. I wept. I grieved. It was like being told my child had 2 weeks to live. And for me that was true. Abbie would leave and my dreams of a child would die. I spent those 2 weeks packing, taking her picture, I cut a lock of her hair, and saved anything with her baby scent. At the end of those 2 weeks, when Abbie was 13 weeks old, we made the 2 hour drive to meet the foster family. And hand over my baby. I barely remember the trip, but I do remember returning home, my arms empty.

At first I kept everything except the nursery furniture. A few months later I forced myself to go through her stuff and only keep a handful of items, giving the rest to a young single mother in need. Over the years I continued to pare down her possessions, even sending her mother a package and only keeping 2-3 things for myself. I am as "over" losing Abbie as is humanly possible. I no longer mourn her. I realize that she is not mine and that the time that we had with her was a gift. Yet the scars from that time are still present. It is these scars that are the problem now.

I know that Maddie is mine and that no one can take her. Even though she is not "biologically" related I never even think of that unless I am telling someone her story or blogging. She is as much mine as any child could be. But all of this knowledge does not change the fact that Maddie is the same age as Abbie was and those feelings are resurfacing. I am holding back a part of myself to protect myself. Now that I know that I can fix it. I can remind myself that Maddie is not Abbie and never will be. This is an entirely different situation. I know that I will give my heart completely to this little girl, one day at a time.


  1. That must hurt TERRIBLY! Losing Abbie...That DOES make sense. Praying for you. I will admit, your last post had me VERY WORRIED about you but God has obviously led you to a very clear explanation. I STILL have trouble believing Blakely is actually here and MINE forever. Very surreal! Thanks for sharing your heart!

  2. Im so glad that God brought that all into your thoughts so you can continue to heal. Of course this will be such a hard time for you! But you hold that girl TIGHT and you tell her that her MOMMA loves her and she is YOURS forever!!! Over and over and over again!! Praying for you and so glad you had a good counselor to go to! I know easier said than done but just ENJOY that little girl. I cant believe mine is gonna be FOUR in a few weeks! It is gone in a blink!

  3. Oh my goodness, I can't imagine the pain of losing Abbie like that. Of course having a baby again is reopening those old wounds. I'm so sorry for all that you went through, but I know you have found your happy ending in Maddie and that you will feel more able to embrace that happiness in time. Your love for your daughter is clear in every post and that IS a strong & unbreakable bond!

  4. I can't imagine how bad it must have hurt to lose Abbie. I'm so sorry you had to experience that. Praying that Maddie helps to ease that pain for you.

  5. I'm so glad that you were able to figure out what was causing your detached feelings. I can only imagine what losing Abbie must have been like! It only seems natural that your subconscious would try to protect you now. One day at a time is the perfect mantra!

  6. Jess,
    I just recently went back and read all about your experience with losing Abbie and I just could not believe the loss that you have experienced. You described it so well. It was as if I were watching a silent movie of you cutting a lock of her hair. I could picture you in those weeks leading up to her loss but only you, could have really felt that pain. I can't imagine what that fateful car ride was like. I cannot imagine. I am tearing up just thinking about you having to go through that. The one you experienced was a special kind of loss. You opened up your heart and home to this child and then she was taken away. I certainly don't know the whole story, but it seems that partly she was taken away by adults who were not acting in her best interest and that is just beyond words. How do you let go of the hurt and anger and forgive? How does your heart heal after something like that. I can tell you that you are a mom at heart because not everyone could have continued to pursue bringing a child home after that.

    I am thinking of you and I hope that you are working through this process and that your heart is able to open up a little more every day. Your precious Maddie is yours and yours alone and I believe that she will be holding your hand as you open your heart.

  7. I know the hurt of a disrupted adoption (or 2). It's a pain that is so difficult to get over. I took some of those hurts into our adoption with E. I was also finding myself calling E by a different name (my best friend's son's name). Those bonding techniques I said in the last post really made a difference for me. E also slept in our room until he was 3 months old (until him being in our room was actually keeping him up). You are doing a fantastic job! I know it feels frusterating, but what you are going through is not abnormal. :)

  8. This is such a difficult thing you're going through!! But it is good that you've figured out what if holding you back!!

    Also, Maddie IS biologically yours. It's not your genes that made her, but while she was within you it was your body that influenced which genese would be activated. And she is made of up your body - all except that first cell or two. Have you read anything on epigenetics? I've just found out about it and been reading - here's one link that might be interesting for you. I don't know if it helps - maybe not, as it's not Maddie that's the issue but the loss of Abbie - which is just the most hauntingly awful thing. No wonder you're still hurting. :-( http://www.nurture.co.za/the-tricky-subject-of-disclosure/

  9. You have been through so much. I think it is wonderful you are sharing as a way for others to reach out. It is never good to keep things to ourselves when God gives us others to help us through it all. Many hugs!!!


  10. I think counseling is a great idea. If it turns out that it is more than an issue just related to Abbie, what about someone skilled in adoption counseling? I only say that because if we ever do EA, I've thought my DH and I should go through adoption counseling just to wrap our minds around the whole thing.

    I can't imagine the trauma you went through when you had to give Abbie back :( How could that NOT leave any scars? Thank goodness we know who can heal those scars though.


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