Our journey through infertility, failed adoptions and now parenthood through the miracle of embryo adoption/donation.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

ICLW welcome

Welcome to my little blog! It has been a long time since I have participated in ICLW and I have missed it. I love meeting new people and look forward to reading some new blogs.

Since you are here I will tell you a bit about me. I am Jess and I am 36 years young. Hubby and I got married almost 16 years ago and began ttc right away. I had always suspected that I had endo so I was not surprised when nothing happened. What I was not prepared for was that hubby would have problems as well. At that time we decided to skip fertility treatments and go right to adoption. By 2005 we had had 2 failed adoptions, the last one with us losing the baby after we had her for 3 months, and my heart was broken. So we jumped into fertility treatments.

We had to undergo testing again and my endo was a lot worse. A lot!! And hubby went from low everything, to no. No count at all. From there our options were limited. We tried 4 rounds of IUI with donor sperm and it was a bust. So where do you go from there? IVF with donor sperm? And I might even have needed donor eggs (PCOS) as well. There was no way we could afford all of that so we thought it was over. Then we learned about embryos adoption/donation. It was an answer to prayer!!!

In 2009 we were matched with embryos from a local clinic and were successful on our first try!! Right after our 12th anniversary we gave birth to our miracle baby girl. In 2012 we started the process again and this time it was not nearly as easy. It took a full year, 2 canceled cycles, one BFN and a surgery but finally we got the news we were hoping for. We were pregnant again!! In 6 weeks we will be welcoming baby girl number two to our little family. We have two embryos left and will return for them next year around this time. That will be the end of our journey, no matter the outcome. I look forward to trying again and maybe adding one last baby to our family, but I also look forward to closing this very long chapter of our life and just enjoy life again.

Monday, March 17, 2014

If only I could meet "them", the genetic parents


I saw this on my Facebook news feed today and I didn't have to think twice. I knew immediately who I would choose and it would be Maddie's genetic parents. At the very least her mother. What I wouldn't give for one hour, or even one minute to just say thank you for the gift of Madison Grace. To learn about them. To be able to share that information with Maddie one day. Each and every day I thank God for her and I would love to thank her genetic parents for giving us the chance to be parents.

Don't get me wrong, I have no regrets about doing anonymous embryo donation. Honestly, I don't. How can I regret something that brought me my greatest gift? However, I wish that there was some openness available. Now that the clinic is closed there is no opportunity to meet the people that made Maddie possible. That hurts, I won't lie. And now that we have Olivia due in less than 8 weeks I will wish for a way to contact her genetic family as well. This is not completely off the table as the clinic is still operating, but her genetic family was adamant that the embryos be placed out of state only and I am afraid that they will never want contact even if the option were to be available. It pains me to have to tell my girls that another family is out there sharing their DNA, a family that they may never know. All I can do is hope and pray that we love them enough and give them the security that they need and that one day they will know the love that led them to us and not just the loss. I understand that they will be curious and want to know that part of themselves, but I pray that it is not from a desire to feel loved and connected, but because it is natural to wonder.

So whoever and wherever you are, Maddie's genetic family, I hope that you know that this little girl is loved beyond words and that we are eternally grateful for the gift of her. And for Olivia as well. My two treasures.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Closing this Chapter

I just realized today that I have spent almost half of my life ttc. This summer will be my 37th birthday and will also mark 16 years of ttc. Wow! I can't believe that this journey to motherhood has been such a long one. It took 12 years before Maddie was born and almost 4 before Olivia is here. Hubby and I are discussing when to do our final FET and if all goes well it will be April of 2015. We have 2 embryos remaining and regardless of the outcome it will be our last try. Baby or not this chapter of our life will finally be closed. I am not sure how I feel about this. Honestly, I don't know how to be anyone but this one. Almost my entire adult life has revolved around trying to become a mother. And now to complete our family. Yet I look forward to letting this chapter close and just focus on the children that I do have. No more looking for embryos. No more saving money for treatments. No more comparing medication prices. Just living.

What will it be like to make decisions based on what we do have and not what could be? We can focus on buying a house. We can buy a vehicle that fits our needs and not for the children we might have. One day. But for the kids that we actually do have. We can take vacations again. I can return to work once the kids are in school. No worrying about taking time off for testing, treatments and transfers. Just living in the here and now.

I am scared to close this chapter so completely. Yet I am excited too! I will need to learn how to be this new person but I think that I will enjoy learning. :)

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Not too much longer

I am now 31 weeks. How did this happen?!?!? I feel like it was just yesterday that I got my first beta. But then some days I feel like I have been pregnant for years. Not in a bad way though. I enjoy each and every day that I am able to carry this little one. It took 12 years for our first and another 3 for this one and I cherish each and every single day. It truly is a gift.

I am now seeing my OB every other week. So far my BP is good and no protein in my urine. YAY!!! I will be close to 34 weeks during my next appointment and I am nervous about it as that was when I started showing signs of pre-e with Maddie. But even if it happens we are in good hands. My OB is excellent and God is in control. Though I pray that we have as much time as possible before she makes her grand debut.

The office is almost cleared out and at the end of next week we have a friend painting the nursery. We are going with a blue. Not sure if it is an aqua, teal or a turquoise, but it will be that direction with pink. I plan on making a chandelier (if it turns out it will be gorgeous!!!) and I need to spray paint a mirror and get a few wall decorations. Today our stroller was delivered and tomorrow the crib mattress will be here. I have just about everything else that we will need. Our church will do a a diaper shower so we will get plenty of diapers and wipes for the first month or so, maybe longer. We will do cloth after that. Sp pretty much we are ready for little Olivia. Except for her middle name. We are still struggling with that. LOL


Sunday, February 23, 2014

Baby No Name

Okay, this is not entirely true. Our baby has a first name, Olivia. But I am stuck on a middle name. I mean really, really stuck! We had the name Madison picked out for years and the middle name was to be either Olivia or Grace. We chose Grace so that we could save Olivia for another girl if we ever had one. I am so glad that we did!!! But we never had another middle name ready for another baby girl.

Our dilemma is that Olivia is 4 syllables and our last name is 3 syllables and we want a 1 syllable middle name, 2 at the most. But nothing that ends with an 'a' or begins with a vowel. And a perfect middle name would sound good said with her nickname, Livvie. I call Madison, Maddie Grace a lot and I tend to do that a lot with names. It doesn't HAVE to sound good with Livvie, but it would be a plus.

Here are some of the options and pros and cons of each.

Olivia Joy (okay, just not in love, but it flows with Grace)

Olivia Paige  (hubby's fave, but we live near a major roads named Olive and Page and they are often said together and it is stuck in my head that way.

Olivia Reese (one of my faves, but Livvie Reese sounds like Liver Eese to me, which does not even make sense at all)

Olivia Renee (I like this one, but Hubby isn't sold)

Olivia Shay (maybe, not sure what I think about this one)

Olivia Elaine (not sure if I like that it begins with a vowel or if I like it together)



A few names that are out for various reasons: Ann(e), Marie, Lynn, Dawn.

So, which do you like? Or what suggestions do you have? Help me name this baby girl!!!

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

BEGGING for votes!!!

I entered Maddie into a contest for a free photo shoot for her and I really, really wanna win!!! I mean really!!! So if you are on Facebook can you take a moment to vote. It lasts just one week and you can vote each day. She is #69. Thanks!!!

VOTE HERE!!!

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Happy Third Trimester to Me!!!

I am now a week into my third trimester. Wow, where has time gone?!?!? It is flying by! I had my 1 hour glucose test about 2 weeks ago. Failed it. Did the 3 hour last week and PASSED! But man, it made me so sick to my stomach. It was awful this time. But thankfully I passed and it is over.

Last week I started getting a head cold that turned into a nasty sinus infection that then aggravated a tooth that must have had a cavity. The pain was so bad that I spent most of yesterday in tears. I was kind of scared because infections can cause preterm labor and who knows what else when pregnant and I just wanted to get that sucker out. I needed a root canal or extraction. Bye, bye little tooth! I had it pulled this afternoon and now I am dealing with that pain. The dentist refused to give me any pain meds since I am pregnant so I called my OB and he hooked me up. It is just Tylenol 3 but hey, it is better than nothing. I hate taking all of this crap while pregnant but pain increases my BP and with my history of pre-e I don't want to play around with HBP.

On a good note, I got Olivia's car seat. For FREE! I won it actually. Last week my sister needed to run to Babies R Us and I tagged along. We had no idea that they had some kind of event going on and there were vendors and such there. One table held a raffle for an infant car seat. I didn't even realize what it was for, I just entered it and later my sister told me what it was for. I really, really hoped that I would win and I DID!!! It is a Graco that retails for $140. I don't need a whole lot for the baby, but this was one of two big items that I needed so it was a huge blessing. They also gave out gift bags and my sister and I each got one and it included a Dr. Bro.wn's bottle, coupons, wet wipes and samples. My sister gave me her stuff so two free bottles. Pretty cool!!

I still need to finish the nursery and buy a few more things. I am still working on my cloth diaper stash and that is going slow. I am having a shower at my church and will get disposable diapers which is great and I will use those the first month or two, but I want to get my cloth diaper stash built up for after that. But things are coming along and Olivia will be here is 12 weeks! Yikes!!! So exciting!!!