Since the whole infertility thing started almost 16 years ago, my body has refused to cooperate. Oh, I ovulated like clockwork which sounds great (and I know many of you wish this were true for you, I know) but a fat lot of good it did since endometriosis destroyed my tube and later damaged ovaries. Then there were the polyps and fibroids. Add to that failed IUIs and basically my reproductive organs are just there for show.
But finally we had success with embryo donation and my body would get with the program, right? Right??? Wrong! I had pre-e the first time and had to be induced. Of course, that didn't go well and I had to have a c-section after 36 freaking hours of being induced and having a migraine. And not eating. I was starving!!! Then I had Maddie and I tried to breast feed. Yet again my body failed me. Maybe not necessarily failed me, but everything was against me. Maddie was very jaundiced and I felt pressure to formula feed her. I was exhausted from the days of induction, not sleeping or eating and the migraine. Then we came home and Maddie was still on a bilibed and very lethargic. She refused to nurse anymore. Then 8 weeks of migraines I finally just gave up. And I regretted it.
Fast forward to this pregnancy. Everything went great with it. No pre-e. I felt great. Life was good. I thought my body was finally figuring this whole birthing thing out. Then we found that I was low on fluid and baby had to come out ASAP. After a second c-section we learn that had I delivered vaginally I would have most likely ruptured my uterus as it was too thin after the first c-section. And my tailbone was in the way and my body just wasn't built to give birth. Soooo not only does my body refuse to conceive, it refuses to let the baby out as well. How screwed up is that?!?!?
This time I was determined to breast feed though. I wanted something, anything that resembled a "normal" experience. Now please don't misunderstand me, I am not saying that those that are unable to breast feed or that choose not to are less than a mother or less than "normal". I am really not. I am completely pro- "do what is best for you and your baby". I really didn't expect to want to breast feed as much as I did. But I did. And this time I contacted a LC and I worked with one in the hospital as well. I wanted this experience. And almost 3 weeks and we are doing it!!! I am so excited to get to nurse this baby. It is so hard and there are times I want to give up, but I am doing it. It is no small victory and I can't help but be proud of little Livvie for allowing me to do this.