Careless Words

We have all been guilty of saying thoughtless or careless things. I know that I have. I also know that infertility has taught me take great care in what I say to others, though I still fall short form time to time. Tonight I was the recipient of someone's carelessness. And it was from my mother no less.

I stopped by her house to pick something up and my baby niece was there. Recently my niece went to the doctor for a check up and the doctor declared her "extraordinarily alert", which she really is. Now we talk about how extraordinary she is and I mentioned it tonight. I followed this with a comment about where it came from and how her parents (my sister and her fiance) were not extraordinary. This was said all in teasing and my mom's response was also said in teasing though her words still cut to the core. She said "Look who's talking, miss didn't go to college, unemployed, married ten years and have no kids." All of it was fine until the last part. Like I needed someone to point out that I am still childless. Thanks mom!

It has bothered me for the last hour or so. I has caused a time of reflection and retrospection. Did you know that every decision that I have made has been with children in mind? I dropped out of college to stay at home and have children. I did not return to college because I was sure that kids were right around the corner. We live in a 3 bedroom place because we might have kids. We have not purchased a house yet because we have spent every spare dime on trying to have said kids. I am currently not working now because the FET might work and I plan on being a SAHM. It saddens me that I have not succeeded in my goals. At least not 2 of the most important ones: having children and buying a house. But it is not for lack of trying!!

I am praying that 2010 brings the realization of both of my goals and then my mother can eat her words!!! =)