Eleven years ago my husband and I said "I do". Three months later we chucked the birth control pills, ready to add a little one to our happy home. We had faith that we would conceive soon thereafter. Just as 1+1=2 we assumed that man+woman=baby. Our assumption was wrong and our faith was tested. A few years later we had hope. We hoped that we would conceive or that we would adopt. We held onto that hope for a few years. Then reality set it. The reality of it all was that life was not always easy, nor was it fair. Why would a happy couple with a strong marriage not be able to have a child? Why would we have our dream within our grasp only to have it ripped away? None of this made any sense to us. It still doesn't. But it is our reality and we must accept it.
In the reality phase it is difficult to have hope or faith. Occasionally you dream that it might happen, or you are late one month and have a glimmer of hope, but this is rare. You try to put it out of your mind and focus on other things, anything that is not baby related. Now that we are preparing for our first FET with donor embryos I am trying to find where I am at. I want to have faith, but it is difficult to trust that this will end in a baby. The reality is that for many couples there is no positive pregnancy test or happy announcement. But I want to hope that we will be the exception, that we will be able to share our "good news" with family and friends this Christmas. I have faith that His will will be done, but reality is that His will may not be my will. I pray that my will lines up with His, but still hope that His will is for us to have a baby.
I am trying to put my faith into action. This past weekend I found some great deals on baby items and I actually purchased a few things. Very few. I have also begun to look at nursery decor and diaper bags (Timi & Leslie have adorable bags!!). I have begun a virtual hope chest just in case we get pregnant. But I won't make any big purchases until we see 2 pink lines because realistically we may not use them. I am finding that the lines between faith, hope and reality are blurring and I am not sure where I am at exactly. So I am going to hold onto all three and hope that my faith will make a baby a reality.