Today I went to see my counselor. I began seeing her this past February after learning that my sister was pregnant. Since going to he I have been growing and learning so much about myself. One of the most prevalent themes of our discussions is where God is in all of this. I try not to, but often I question His plan in all of this. What possible benefit can there be in being infertile? I know the basic answers, that everything happens for a reason. But why for me, in particular? Is it because there is something for me to learn? Someone I am supposed to meet? Some place I am supposed to go?
After 11 years I am no closer to the answer and left with even more questions. But today I looked at it through a new set of eyes. My counselor's mother was unable to have a child until she was almost 40 years old. Her mother struggles with the same thoughts and feelings that we all have today, but without any support or outlet. One thing that she learned through it all is that it was not about she, herself, not being ready to be a mother, but about her daughter not ready to be here yet. God has a plan for each of us, of that I am certain. My plan was to have 2-3 children by now. That may have been fine with Him except the child that we are to have might need to be 20 years old in the year 2030, therefore unable to be born until 2010. The hold up on my plan might be for the timing of a future plan. I had never thought of this before.
This revelation does not make the wait easier or fun, but it does help me to put it into perspective. It is difficult not to become somewhat self absorbed while trying to achieve the dream of motherhood, but from time to time I need to step back and see that it is not always all about me. And now I can think about what my little embryos may become one day. Maybe one of them will end world hunger. Or find a cure for cancer or even infertility. Whatever it is I hope that they are very wealthy and can support me in the way that I was meant to be!!! Mansion, limos, furs and diamonds here I come!!!