After we received the call about the potential adoption I assumed that I would be a nervous wreck, but surprisingly I am not. I am actually quite calm, cool and collected. I almost don't recognize myself. We have not received another call and I am fairly sure that this will not work out, but really, that is okay. Somewhere in all of this I have begun to really trust in Him. My earlier panic and anxiety about the FET is gone and I thought for sure that the adoption call would have made it worse. Instead it has given me peace. And I am not even sure why.
I don't know what the future holds for us. I am not even sure that children are a part of it. I hope that they are but there are no guarantees. I don't like not knowing what is going to happen, but I know that He has a plan. My natural instinct is to tell God how things should happen. I map it all out and try to dictate to Him my plans. Yesterday I thought about this. Who am I to tell the Creator of the universe what to do?? I would not tell a surgeon how to operate, or a pilot how to fly. They are experts in their fields and know what they are doing without my help. Why do I feel the need to treat God like a child that has no clue how to run my life? He created it, doesn't He know how to orchestrate it?
So right now I am trying to lean to on Him and trust Him. If He wants us to adopt this baby, it will work out. If He wants me to give birth next year, then the FET will work. Whether we have twins, a singleton, or none at all, I don't now. But He does. And He loves me and will do what is best for me. But that doesn't mean that I won't be praying that His best will be a baby....or two.....or three!!!
I had that same sense of peace when I chose to go with donor embryos and not pursue traditional adoption. I did indeed begin to get impatient and worried how long it would take to be matched with donor embryos and the timeline they gave seemed so far off (they said they normal wait was 9 months - 1 year)I grew depressed and frustrated and it was taking over every moment of everyday. So I made the decision to give it to God and then 2 days after I did,december 29th 2008 we received a call that they had embryos for us.It was a wonderful belated christmas gift.It had only been 55 days since we paid our matching fee.So in about 7 weeks we were matched and I was in awe of Gods wonderful plan he had for us.I also had an amazing amount of peace when it came to whether the transfer would work or not. I did have my days that I would wonder or get a bit down but from the start I just kept thinking that if it is his will it will happen.And now I am on the verge of welcoming one of Gods perfect miracles into this world in the next 3 weeks, I can hardly believe it.I am so glad that you have found peace it is priceless when going through all of this.I too had several of those calls where somebody knows somebody who is pregnant and may be giving up the baby.None of them ever panned out but I guess in the end it just wasn't Gods plan.((hugs))
ReplyDeleteSuch an awesome attitude! Praying for you!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your positive attitude- it helps with mine! =)
ReplyDelete(((Jess!)))
ReplyDeleteChristy