After we received the call about the potential adoption I assumed that I would be a nervous wreck, but surprisingly I am not. I am actually quite calm, cool and collected. I almost don't recognize myself. We have not received another call and I am fairly sure that this will not work out, but really, that is okay. Somewhere in all of this I have begun to really trust in Him. My earlier panic and anxiety about the FET is gone and I thought for sure that the adoption call would have made it worse. Instead it has given me peace. And I am not even sure why.
I don't know what the future holds for us. I am not even sure that children are a part of it. I hope that they are but there are no guarantees. I don't like not knowing what is going to happen, but I know that He has a plan. My natural instinct is to tell God how things should happen. I map it all out and try to dictate to Him my plans. Yesterday I thought about this. Who am I to tell the Creator of the universe what to do?? I would not tell a surgeon how to operate, or a pilot how to fly. They are experts in their fields and know what they are doing without my help. Why do I feel the need to treat God like a child that has no clue how to run my life? He created it, doesn't He know how to orchestrate it?
So right now I am trying to lean to on Him and trust Him. If He wants us to adopt this baby, it will work out. If He wants me to give birth next year, then the FET will work. Whether we have twins, a singleton, or none at all, I don't now. But He does. And He loves me and will do what is best for me. But that doesn't mean that I won't be praying that His best will be a baby....or two.....or three!!!