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Peace...where did you come from??

After we received the call about the potential adoption I assumed that I would be a nervous wreck, but surprisingly I am not. I am actually quite calm, cool and collected. I almost don't recognize myself. We have not received another call and I am fairly sure that this will not work out, but really, that is okay. Somewhere in all of this I have begun to really trust in Him. My earlier panic and anxiety about the FET is gone and I thought for sure that the adoption call would have made it worse. Instead it has given me peace. And I am not even sure why.

I don't know what the future holds for us. I am not even sure that children are a part of it. I hope that they are but there are no guarantees. I don't like not knowing what is going to happen, but I know that He has a plan. My natural instinct is to tell God how things should happen. I map it all out and try to dictate to Him my plans. Yesterday I thought about this. Who am I to tell the Creator of the universe what to do?? I would not tell a surgeon how to operate, or a pilot how to fly. They are experts in their fields and know what they are doing without my help. Why do I feel the need to treat God like a child that has no clue how to run my life? He created it, doesn't He know how to orchestrate it?

So right now I am trying to lean to on Him and trust Him. If He wants us to adopt this baby, it will work out. If He wants me to give birth next year, then the FET will work. Whether we have twins, a singleton, or none at all, I don't now. But He does. And He loves me and will do what is best for me. But that doesn't mean that I won't be praying that His best will be a baby....or two.....or three!!!

Unexpected news

If you have not read my Losing Abbie blog it is all about our failed adoption. Our second failed adoption but by far the most difficult. Losing a child through a failed adoption is different than through death, I am sure, but painful just the same. What makes losing a child in this way so much worse than it could be is the lack of understanding and support. Most people act as though the child was not "yours" to begin with so why do you care? But the truth is that from the moment the birth mother chooses you, you begin to plan and dream about this baby. It is yours in every emotional sense. When things do not work out your heart is crushed. Because of these experiences we have decided not to pursue adoption in the traditional sense but move on to embryo adoption.

And then we got a call. We have had several of theses calls over the years. Someones cousin's girlfriend's sister is pregnant and might want to give the baby up for adoption. The actuality of it working out are slim to none. And then there are the calls that give you some hope. Though we had decided never to consider adoption again we jumped on this opportunity like a fat kid on Twinkies. (I can say that as a fellow chubby!) It is a young girl (15 or 16) and she is due this week! Yes, THIS week! She is very sure in her decision not to parent and her parents are not wanting the child either. The father is deployed and is pretty sure that the baby is his and really does not care to be bothered. Very sad actually. We have said that we would be willing to talk to her and our information will be passed along to her. Now we just wait.

I am doing fine with this news. Not overly excited, not pessimistic either. What will be, will be. A part of me is scared that by this time next year we may have 3 children: one adopted, 2 through embryo adoption. (yes, we will still continue with this transfer as all of this is so tentative) But another part of me is scared that this time next year my arms will still be empty.

I will update you all once I learn more. Please keep us in your prayers as well as this young mother. Thanks!

Officially the Christmas Season!!

I love Christmas! I love the sights, the sounds and the smells. I enjoy baking and December fills our home with the lovely smells of cinnamon, cookies, and breads. I love shopping, though I hate the commercialism that has invaded this holiday. I can't wait to put up my tree and set out decorations. In the beginning of our marriage I decked out the whole place. Through the years infertility has taken its toll and my anticipation of the season has waned.

I hate that infertility has robbed me of some of the enjoyment of Christmas. Yes, I know that the focus should be on Christ's birth. And I do focus on that. But Christmas is also about families. And mine is lacking. It is hard to hang just 2 stockings. There are no presents under the tree for little children, no kids desperately trying to fall asleep so that they can open presents Christmas morning. No 6 am wake-up with children jumping on our bed. No littles sitting around listening to the Christmas story. Just 2 adults sleeping in, making a big Christmas breakfast with a latte and then open gifts when we get around to it. Or we open them Christmas eve, but that is because my hubby is still a kid at heart and cannot wait.

This year is a little better as we have our upcoming FET to look forward to. But it is for this very reason that I am nervous. We will have our BETA on 12/21, just days before Christmas. This year I will either be unable to sleep from the anticipation of telling our news, or I will be unable to get out of bed to share in the festivities, too depressed to function. No, I am not planning on being depressed if it does not work, but let's be honest, the chances of me taking it well are slim to none. But until then I am going to enjoy this holiday season as much as I can. I am going to start it off right today with a trip to Starbucks on my way to the mall!! Today is Black Friday and to us shopaholics a holiday all in itself.

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone!!

Today is a day that we spend time with our families, eat way too much turkey and plan our shopping for black Friday. It is also a day of retrospect and to think of all of the things that we are thankful for. It is also a day that can bring pain if you have lost a loved one, have family strife, or are dealing with infertility. It is not easy to sit around the table listening to siblings and cousins discuss pregnancy woes or child rearing challenges. You are on edge waiting to hear if someone is going to share their "good news" at the dinner table. You may feel lost today, a little displaced. We have all been there. And this year I am praying for you. I may not know you but we are linked by this common bond and I hurt for you.

I am fortunate this year that the only children I will be around are horrid little beasts that make me want to have my tubes tied just in case. There will be no longing for me to have a child after being around them today!!! And the rest of hubby's family is older so there will be no surprise announcements. I won't have to deal with all of my infertility sadness and longing today but many will. And those will be who I am thinking of today and praying for.

Regardless of where you are today and how you are feeling, try to find something positive to think on. Try to push infertility to the back and allow yourself a few moments to enjoy all of the blessings that God has given you. It won't be easy but it will be worth it! God is so good to all of us but infertility robs us of the joy of seeing it. Try to find your joy today!

Thankfulness

We can all find things to be thankful for in our lives, but to find things to be thankful for in regards to infertility can be a challenge. No one likes the emptiness infertility leaves in our hearts. No one enjoys the insensitive comments or the timed intercourse. None of jump for joy over yet another pregnancy announcement from the eternally fertile or for a negative pregnancy test.....again. But there are things that we can be thankful for, things that we have learned during this journey, people we have met, things that we have done. Whatever it is let us know what you are thankful for pertaining to infertility. Here is my list:

~Growing closer to my hubby. We have always had a great marriage, but infertility makes us stronger.

~Amazing friends that I have met online, especially my Stepping Stones sisters. Honestly, this whole thing has been worth it just to have met many of you. There are some wonderful people on the net!

~I will be an awesome mom! You don't wait this long and try this hard only to me mediocre. All of us will be fantastic moms! Fertiles will be jealous.

~Faith. I have had to exercise my faith in ways that I never have before. I have learned a lot about myself in the past 11 years and I like who I have become.

~Compassion. As a young woman (heck, I am still young!), I was quick to judge and lacked compassion. Now my heart breaks for every BFN I hear about, every loss, divorce, wayward child, etc. I may not have suffered in the same way that another has but I can empathize in a way that I could not do pre-infertility.

~My pastor. He has been extremely supportive through all of this and I appreciate his thoughtfulness and prayers during all of this.

~My nieces. Both has allowed me to love them and dote on them use some of my "mommy-ness" on them.

I could probably go on all day. At this point in the journey I am ready to get off of this ride and become a mom. I don't like the journey itself, but while on it I plan to learn all that I can and use it to become the best mommy that I can be one day.

So what are you thankful for?

Time to make the babies.

Do you remember the Dunkin' Donuts commercial where the guy gets up at the butt crack of dawn to make the donuts? And he says "Time to make the donuts"? This morning I woke up at 7 am (earlier than I would prefer after going to bed at 1 am) and hubby asked what I was doing. I told him, in the tone of the DD guy, "Time to make the babies".

In a way it is funny. All of the shots, the patches, the ultrasounds,and the pills could result in a baby. Okay, maybe not technically, but you know what I mean. In another way it is sad. Whatever happened to a romantic dinner followed by slow dancing and a candle lit room with mood music playing resulting in a baby? Or a passionate quickie, even?? When did baby making become so clinical??

Don't get me wrong, I am so very thankful for this opportunity that medical science is giving us. Without out it there would absolutely no hope for us. For that I am thankful. But it is still sad that I will never wonder why I am so tired and then assume that I have the flu only to discover that I am unexpectedly pregnant. We will never go away for a vacation and forget the contraception and then decide to throw caution in the wind and let nature take it's course and 9 months alter give birth to our "souvenir". For those of us that deal with infertility we mourn this part of our lives. We mourn the spontaneity and reckless abandon that fertiles have. We mourn the assurance that we will conceive. We mourn our innocence and naivete that existed when we first began ttc; that assumption that all was well and we would become parents in 9-12 months.

I am so thankful for this path that God has allowed us to take. Maybe not the pain of it all nor the length of time we have been on this path, but for the embryos we are adopting. They are our babies and we love them. But I would be lying if I said that I wasn't a little bit sad that so many people have to have a part in their conception and that some of that joy was taken from us. But I am sure that all thoughts of their conception will flee once I see 2 pink lines!

Everything is right on schedule!

I had my ultrasound today and everything was perfect. We are right on schedule for a December 11th transfer. The doctor asked my how I was doing with it all and I told him that I was really nervous. He offered me a prescription for Prozac if I wanted it. He told me that being anxious and stress is counterproductive and that I need to relax. I declined the RX for now and am going to try to focus on other things and relax a bit. Maybe some retail therapy would help!!!

I am still getting migraines from the lupron and I am waiting on a call from the dr about a new RX for them. I can take prescription meds up until CD10 and then it is all OTC for me. That is gonna stink! The RE did say that the estrogen may help alleviate the migraines. Here's hoping that he is right!

That pretty much sums up where we are right now. =)

Mental Health Day

I have declared today a mental health day and I will be hibernating all day. The first week of lupron brought migraines but not much else in the way of side effects. That has since changed. I am very irritable and cannot sleep. The past 2 night I have only gotten 4-5 hours of sleep. I am soooo tired! And that makes me even crabbier. I constantly have a headache which crosses over to the migraine side in the evenings. Lupron is awful stuff! Did you know that it is a chemotherapy drug?? That should give you some indication of how powerful a drug it is. Crazy what we will do to get knocked up!

Sundays usually consist of me attending Sunday School and helping in Junior Church second hour. I love working with the kids but I knew that today I would not be very nice to them. It is not their fault that I am infertile and I didn't want to take it out on them. Now my hubby on the hand, poor guy is at the receiving end of my wrath too often. He is out of town and he called me last night after I texted him that I was already in bed and not to call. He didn't read that text and just called. Needless to say I was not very nice and I hung up on him. I have never, ever done that before!! I felt horrible and called to apologize this morning.

So for the sake of everyone else in the fertile world I decided to stay home and hide from all that irritates. Which is just about everything right about now. Oh the joys of fertility meds!

Welcome to my little corner of the world!!!

ICLW week has begun and I look forward to meeting some new infertile friends! A little about me because, really, it is all about me around here!!!

~married 11 years to my wonderful hubby
~both male and female factor infertility (no spermies, endo, PCOS, blocked tube)
~2 failed adoptions
~4 unsuccessful IUIs
~in the midst of our first (and hopefully only) FET with donated embies
~transfer date set for December 11th!

That is the infertile part of me. Now for the rest of me:

~currently a SAHW and enjoying my time at home (I was meant to be a trophy wife)
~a bit of a shopaholic
~have an obsession with shoes and purses. My goal in life is to own a pair of Jimmy Choos and carry a Prada. Really high aspirations, I know.
~taking cake decorating classes and loving it
~attempted to teach myself how to crochet but I am just not domestic enough
~I love to read and read a book or 2 a week, at least
~Ree Drummond, the Pioneer Woman, is my new hero and I am trying out all of her recipes. That may be why I have moved from chubby to downright......chubbier. But what a way to grow!!!

I think that about sums it up! Can't wait to "meet" all of you!

FET is like Lasagna

I was thinking about how my emotions and expectations for the upcoming FET are so different than our previous attempts at ttc and IUIs. It reminded me of lasagna. Maybe because I made the most awesome lasagna this week. (Pioneer Woman's recipe....awesome!) Lately I have had food on the brain. I have googled and searched to find if it is a side effect of the lupron and though it is not I am still claiming that it is. Back to the lasagna and FET......

I have come to the conclusion that IUIs and ttc naturally are like made from scratch lasagna. You have to have all of the ingredients and follow the instructions but there is still a chance that you miss something and it comes out wrong. But when you buy a frozen lasagna all of the work has been done for you and all you have to do is bake it. Your expectations are higher and you expect it to work. That is how I feel about this upcoming FET. It should work. There is a good chance that it could and will. Yet there is still the chance that it won't.

We are down to 3 weeks from today. I have an ultrasound on Monday which is CD1 for this cycle. I am not sure what they are looking for with this ultrasound but I am hoping that they will find it! I will let you all know how that goes. And I am sure that next week I will have more food/FET correlations as well!!! Mmmmm....maybe cake.

tick..tick..tick....

Time is ticking by!! Just over 3 weeks to go. The next week and a half should go by pretty quickly as we will be traveling next week. Originally it was to spend Thanksgiving with my hubby's family bit now it will be to attend a funeral. My hubby's aunt passed away from cancer this morning. She had cancer and we knew that it was coming, just not this soon. Though we are sad at er passing we are rejoicing that she came to know Jesus just a few weeks ago and is not resting safely in the arms of Jesus. We are not sure when the funeral is and I hope that it is not on Monday as I have an ultrasound appointment that day and I doubt that I could do it on Saturday (too early in my cycle). If it is on Monday I may have to stay home and I would hate to do that. My hubby is taking it hard and I would hate for him to travel alone.

Between the holiday, the appointment, the funeral and a cake decorating class next week will fly by. I am glad to be busy so that I won't have to obsess over all of this. It is amazing how fast time seems to fly yet stand still at the same time.

Blessed Chiropractor!!

I have dealt with back issues for, well, I guess forever. At least it seems that way. I have the back of an 80 year old. And not an spry 80 year old used-to-be-a-triathlon runner, but the hunched-over have-to-use-a-walker kind of 80 year old. Because of this I tend to get migraines when my back is out of place. I also get them from hormonal changes. Between AF, Lupron and my back being out of place I have been miserable for the past 3 or 4 days. I went to my wonderful chiropractor today and he fixed me back up! (get it?? 'back' up!) I already feel better and my headache is dissipating. YAY! I will still get migraines from the hormonal part of it all but it should be less.

I love to visit my chiropractor because he is so optimistic that this transfer is going to work. He asks me all of the time how things are going and is always so encouraging. While there I set up my appointments for acupuncture. He would like for me to do 4 treatments before the FET and 2 after, but we just cannot afford it. I am going to go at least 2 times before and one after the transfer. I have never done acupuncture before and am a little curious about it. I am willing to try it if it might increase our chances.

Everything else is right on schedule. Aunt Flo showed up right on time, which is kind of scary. Rarely is she so cooperative! But, hey, I'm not complaining. I continue lupron this week and will begin several more drugs next Monday as well as have my first ultrasound. Just 3 1/2 weeks left to go!!!! Time sure flies when you are hopped up on hormones!

Ca-Rabby!!!!

I am not just crabby, but ca-rabby! That is very crabby!!!! Not sure if it is from the lupron or from impending aunt flo, but whatever the reason I am exceptionally moody and crabby today. I am tired and want a nap but no matter how hard I try someone is demanding my time. My sister needed my help for about an hour. My grandmother needs a ride to pick up her car. I have two cakes to decorate. I have been up since 3 am and so need to sleep! EEERRRR!!!!! ANd this is only the beginning. yay me!

Lupron....oh joy!

So I started the lupron yesterday. I thought that once I overcame my fear of jabbing myself with a needle that the rest of it would be easy. Well, that is not the case. Lupron was manufactured by Satan himself. Last night I got a migraine from the lovely drug. Today I am sporting a nice size bruise from this morning's injection. And now I am nauseous! Very nauseous!! I battled it all day today. Fun! Maybe I am just getting prepared for morning sickness???

So far the nausea and headaches are the only side effects that I am having. So far. I have noticed that I am very sensitive to smells as well, though I am not sure what could be causing that. I am only on BCP's and lupron. The smells around me are making me nauseous though. Even the good smells.

Tomorrow is my last day for the BCPs and I should be starting my period shortly thereafter. A week from Monday will offically CD1 and my first ultrasound. And the day that I start adding many of the other meds. The transfer is scheduled 4 weeks from tomorrow. Holy cow, this is getting close!!! I am rather excited and can't wait!!!

A Junkie I Will Be

As I was sitting here this morning, needle in hand, shaking like a leaf I thought that junkies were insane. How in the world can they shoot up on a regular basis? Needles are scary!! Then I realized that it was not about the needle, but about what it contained. They were driven by the drug encased within that needle, as am I. Their drug gives them a rush, a thrill. Mine will only give me mood swings and hot flashes. But the compulsion to inject it in to me is much the same.

I thought that I was ready to stick myself this morning. How hard can it be, right? Just a tiny needle. Grab, aim and stick. Easy! Not so much!!! Honestly, the stick itself was completely painless. It really was!! But the moments leading up to it were insanely nerve racking.I just sat there with holding a chunk of belly fat, talking to my dog, telling him that this was crazy. I woke the hubby up to experience it with me. I needed his moral support. After 5 minutes of pleading and crying I just did it. And then I was mad at myself for being such a baby over something so painless.

I am glad that the first shot is over. Tomorrow and the months to come will be a breeze. But if I ever decide to become a junkie I will choose a better drug of choice.

Ca-Ching!

I will be depositing the rest of the money today! It is nice to know that it is all sitting there, ready to go to the clinic. Well, we still need $250 more, but I am not worried about that. I got a text last night from my sister's fiancee that they would be bringing me the money tomorrow (which is today) and I was so overwhelmed. So many emotions coursed through me. The true meaning of faith hit me last night. I have dealt with many issues in life that required faith, as I am sure that you all have, but nothing of this magnitude. This was a lesson that God had specifically designed for me. The year 2009 started out well for us financially and when we first decided to start this journey we were confident that we would be able to save this money. About a month after we got on the list things changed and our finances took a hit. From a financial perspective embryo adoption was not a good choice for us at this time. But God kept opening doors for us and we decided to take a step of faith. Notice that I did not say leap of faith, as I did not leap into this, but took one cautious step at a time.

Had we had the money sitting in the bank with little effort I would never have had to exercised my faith as I did during these past few months. And I am humbled that God has chosen to bless us in this way. Yes, I want to become pregnant next month, but regardless this journey of faith has been a tremendous one. One that has taught me so many things. And though it has been difficult I am thankful for it. And I pray that this journey ends in a baby bump and later a baby or two.

Power of Positive Thinking

I am the type of person that tends to hover between pessimism and realism, rarely is optimism my companion. I would love to be one of those annoying eternally optimistic people, but I am just not made that way. But this time I have removed pessimism from my vocabulary. And though I am not all of the way over to the side of optimism I am nearer to it than realism. Have I confused you yet???

Basically I am trying to think positive about the upcoming transfer. I have browsed diaper bags. I have joined Swagbucks (free to use) to help earn "bucks" to buy an Amazon gift cards to use towards baby stuff. I am halfway to a $50 gift card. Yay me!!!

Infomercial: Swagbucks is great!! You sign up and use their search engine (instead of google) and you earn bucks. If you use the link to the right you can sign up under me and I will earn when you earn. **hint**hint**..........end infomercial.

Another thing that I have done is created a new blog for my potential pregnancy. I will still use this one for infertility related issues, but I will have a separate pregnancy one. Once I decided on the name (which is quite clever if I so say so myself) I decided to snag it just in case. I am a looking for the perfect background for it and I want to have it ready to use once we see 2 pink lines. Until then it will remain a secret.

All of these steps are my way of remaining positive. I read on someone's blog that they were blessed not because they were pregnant or because things were going well, but because they are a child of the King. So regardless of whether or not we have a baby next year we are still blessed. We will be sad and we will mourn the loss of our embies, but we will still be blessed. But I am going to think positive thoughts that our "blessed" will include a baby. ;-)

No turning back!

This week is THE week. I start lupron on Wednesday. A part of me is sad that I have to do all of this just for a chance and pregnancy, but there is another part of me, a larger part, that is so thankful for medical science giving me this opportunity. I am so convinced that it is going to work that I talk about my babies like they are already growing. I am not sure if I am just being optimistic or setting myself up for heartbreak. But I need this right now. I need the faith and the hope that optimism brings.

My family is even being optimistic. This is the first time that they have ever been optimistic and supportive and it is wonderful! My brother called me the other day to say that there was a yard sale with a bunch of baby stuff. I told him to call my sister who actually has a baby but he said "yeah, but you are gonna need all that stuff next year." Like it was a given. My mom even looked through a clearance rack for a maternity bathing suit for me for next summer. I love that they are so sure that this will work!

All things work together for good....

You know, I really dislike hearing that verse. Let me clarify, it is not really the verse that irritates me but the abuse we Christians have done with that verse. We tend to use it in a patronizing way, like a pat on the head or a band-aid. Just something to make us feel better when we really don't know what to say to someone or do for that is hurting or going through a trial.

"Your dog died? Oh, I am sorry. But you do know that 'all things work together for good' "

"I am so sorry to hear that you are have lost your house and have filed bankruptcy. But 'all things work together for good' and God has a reason for this."

I don't know why we feel the need to say this to people. It is true that all things DO work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose, but that is not necessarily what a person wants to hear during their trials. But I digress. The point of this post is not insensitive Christians, but in the truth of that verse. Earlier this year my younger sister announced that she was pregnant. She was not trying nor was she happy about it. This news devastated me! And had someone quoted this verse to me I would have rolled my eyes and maybe even punched them in the nose for quoting it to me. But 10 months later I see that it really did all work together for good.

The first few days after I heard her news I stayed in bed and cried. For the next few weeks I moped and tried to avoid people. I knew that I was headed toward a depression and finally sought help via a Christian counselor. This was one of the best decisions that I have ever made. A few months later I was much stronger emotionally and spiritually and I even got involved in a children's ministry at church, something that I had not done in 7 years. From there things just began to fall into place. I was ready to return to the world of ttc and found a new RE, one that offered an embryo adoption/donation program. By an amazing series of events I was allowed onto their waiting list and shortly thereafter matched with donated embies. During this time my sister had her baby and though it was not easy for me, God helped me through it. Becoming a mommy has changed my sister and we are close now, something we have never been before. This closeness has helped my sister to see our desire for a baby and she has provided the money for us to to do our transfer.

So my sister's unplanned pregnancy has helped me to have a chance at a baby of my own. I think that fall into the 'all things work together for good' category, though I could not see it at the time.

Today I am Sad

The incident from church last night is still bothering me. (read yesterday's post) Rarely do I allow anything to bother me for this long so the hormones must be contributing to my depressed state. I haven't done my hair. No make-up either. And if you knew me you would know that this is so not the norm for me! I tend to be a bit of a priss. All I have done today is nap. All over one announcement. Crazy!!!

I need to trust in Him and lean on Him right now, and I am trying to. But it is not easy. I seriously doubt that this announcement came as a surprise to Him, nor will it alter His plans. If my babies are to be they will be. Now I feel stupid for even being bothered by all of this. If I am this hormonal now, how will I be next week when I break out the guns?? Maybe my hubby should go visit family for a few weeks!!!

Baby Making Meds Have Arrived!

I was never so excited to see the UPS man today. I was looking for FedEx but it was UPS that brought me my special delivery. I opened the box and I must say, there was a lot of meds!!! And a LOT of syringes!! Scary! But I must say that I am looking forward to the injections. I hate gagging, I mean swallowing, pills. Shots seem so much easier! It is a little intimidating though, looking at all of this. Just trying to remember what to take and when, sheesh! I have a nice printed calendar from the doctor but it has a lot of marks and x's on it. Right now I am glad that I am not working. This stuff consumes your whole day!!!

Throughout this whole thing I have been fairly optimistic and excited about all of this. Not that I haven't been nervous or scared, but for the most part I have done well with it all. Until tonight. A few weeks ago I posted in my blog that 2 women in church announced their pregnancies and that I had hoped to be number three. Well, that is not going to happen. The third announcement was made tonight. The announcement itself was not difficult to hear, but the fact that it was the third one hit me hard. I don't know why as I do not believe in superstition, but it still made me sad. I am trying not to allow it to discourage me and remain optimistic. I am trying to place my trust in Him and not the theory of pregnancy coming in three's. Besides, maybe they really do and I will have the whole next set of three's! ;-)

Special Delivery

No, not the special delivery, but the delivery of my meds. I placed my order today and should have them no later than Wednesday or Thursday. They would have been shipped out today but they were out of Heparin. They will have it tomorrow and it will be shipped tomorrow. YAY!! It cost as much as a Kate Spade or nice Coach purse, but in the end it will be worth it. It felt great to take this next step. Once here I will get the first 14 syringes ready and then begin on November 11th. Once I start the injections I am sure that time will go much faster. From 11/11 to 12/11 I will have injections, pills, and 2 ultrasounds. Thanksgiving will help distract me for a few days as well. My cake decorating classes start tomorrow too so that will help too.

With the impending arrival of the meds I am getting excited. More excited I should say. I am not sure if it is the excitement causing the insomnia or the meds, but at night I lay there and daydream about maternity clothing, nursery decor and baby names. I can't seem to stop myself! For so many years we have had so little hope that this whole process is making me giddy!

Well, I am off to camp out by the front door to await my special delivery!!

Speeding by in slow motion

That is how life feels right now. One minute I am fretting because it will be several weeks before the FET. Then I am panicking that I start Lupron injections in 10 short days. December 21st (BETA) seems like an eternity away. Yet, Dec.11th (transfer day) is just around the corner. I am excited to pursue this option and pray that it works. Yet I am terrified that it will and then there is no turning back. Eleven years as a family of two spoils you! I enjoy sleeping in. I love to pamper myself. And right now I am the princess! Am I ready to give up my tiara?? The answer is, yes I am. Though it won't be without adjustments.

It all seems to unreal to me still. We have waited so long for this that I keep waiting for the bad news to come. Either that the donors changed their mind. Or the money is not available. Or I don't respond to the meds. Then I am on a high, looking at baby furniture and discussing baby names. If I am this crazy on just the progesterone what will I be like on the other meds? I hope that my hubby doesn't have me committed!!!