No, not literally. Just emotionally. Infertility has robbed me of the joy of Mother's Day and I am not happy about it! We got married in the summer and knew by the next May that something was wrong so I have not had a "good" Mother's Day in 11 years. I have tried focusing on my mom, and while I love her to pieces, she is not very supportive and it is difficult to spend the day with her. This year I informed her that hubby bought me a ticket to the musical Wicked for MD and her response was "Why? You are not a mother till next year." I asked what she thought I was carrying around in here, a monkey?? No, a baby so that makes me a mother!
Even though I am a mom I don't have a baby yet therefore I don't feel like a mom. For the first year or two of infertility I sat in the pew at church on MD and was able to hold back the tears. The next few years I sat there with tears streaming down my face, eyes averted, praying it would end soon. The last 5+ years I have skipped church altogether. Now this year I have no excuse and need to attend. The morning service is a breeze as I help in Jr Church. But the evening service has me rattled. Do I stand when they recognize mothers? Do I sit it out this year? My pastor calls me "Momma" all the time, so I assume that I am considered a mother this year. But what if I look stupid standing? I know that I will feel self conscious about it and I hate that! And hubby will be out of town so no support there. I may skip tomorrow night to avoid the issue.
Another thing causing me anxiety is that regardless of whether I stand or not I will still have a baby this year, God willing. But what about those still waiting? My heart is heavy for those still hurting. Infertility is such a thief! I hate that so many women will mourn tomorrow. I have so much to be thankful for and I need to realize that and focus on the positive while taking time out to remember my infertile sisters in prayer.
If you are still waiting, please know that you are on my heart and I am praying for you!!!!