No, not literally. Just emotionally. Infertility has robbed me of the joy of Mother's Day and I am not happy about it! We got married in the summer and knew by the next May that something was wrong so I have not had a "good" Mother's Day in 11 years. I have tried focusing on my mom, and while I love her to pieces, she is not very supportive and it is difficult to spend the day with her. This year I informed her that hubby bought me a ticket to the musical Wicked for MD and her response was "Why? You are not a mother till next year." I asked what she thought I was carrying around in here, a monkey?? No, a baby so that makes me a mother!
Even though I am a mom I don't have a baby yet therefore I don't feel like a mom. For the first year or two of infertility I sat in the pew at church on MD and was able to hold back the tears. The next few years I sat there with tears streaming down my face, eyes averted, praying it would end soon. The last 5+ years I have skipped church altogether. Now this year I have no excuse and need to attend. The morning service is a breeze as I help in Jr Church. But the evening service has me rattled. Do I stand when they recognize mothers? Do I sit it out this year? My pastor calls me "Momma" all the time, so I assume that I am considered a mother this year. But what if I look stupid standing? I know that I will feel self conscious about it and I hate that! And hubby will be out of town so no support there. I may skip tomorrow night to avoid the issue.
Another thing causing me anxiety is that regardless of whether I stand or not I will still have a baby this year, God willing. But what about those still waiting? My heart is heavy for those still hurting. Infertility is such a thief! I hate that so many women will mourn tomorrow. I have so much to be thankful for and I need to realize that and focus on the positive while taking time out to remember my infertile sisters in prayer.
If you are still waiting, please know that you are on my heart and I am praying for you!!!!
You are such a kind person Jess!! So many people wouldnt think twice about your "sisters" out there! Thanks for writing exactly how you feel and your thoughts! I have learned alot from you! If you dont go in the evening... I completely understand! But if you do STAND! You ARE a Mom! And that is all there is to it!! You have been waiting a long time to enjoy these moments, to have a right to these moments! I wish I could come to your church and sit right by you for that service!! Praying for you tomorrow! And for others that are waiting to be able to stand!
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I hope you do stand. Stand for those of us who want to but can't. Stand for those that finally can after years of sad md's. Enjoy your day, you've earned it! ♥
ReplyDeleteDefinitely go, and STAND! Thank you for praying for your infertile sisters; it's a tough road, and you know it very well.
ReplyDeleteO you better stand up!
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I were just talking about this today. I asked him if he thought I was a mother even though I've miscarried 5 babies. I told him I was feeling sad that there is no acknowledgement, even in church, for those who desperately want children but are unable to have them. It's very hard to stomach our pastor saying things like "mother's are held in high esteem by God" because it makes me wonder what I've done to deserve to be without my own children. I know that's not how it works, but that is how it feels. We won't be attending church tomorrow. I am extremely IVF hormonal right now, and I don't want to embarrass myself!
ReplyDeleteIf you go, I hope you do stand. You are loving and nurturing this baby already because you are it's mom!!!
And, yes, thank you for your prayers for those of us still in waiting.
Wishing you a peaceful Mother's Day.
P.S. Please just scratch what your mom said. You don't need to keep that in your head ;o
Oh you are most definitely a mommy! I can't believe your mom would say that! Even if both of your embryos had not survived, you would have still been a mother to babies waiting in Heaven! Life begins at conception and you were a mommy the moment you adopted your embryos!
ReplyDeleteOh Jess, I'm sorry your mom said that to you. But if you do go to church in the evening, please stand, you are a mom.
ReplyDeleteThank you for praying for us still waiting.
I second what Jennifer said. You are a MOMMY!
ReplyDeleteCome over and read the link on my Mother's day post. Christine says it all about Mother's Day and how it's not always All That!
ReplyDeleteStand, girl, STAND!
ReplyDeleteI think you should stand, too!! I would probably leap to my feet and shout "I'm finally a mommy!" =) Maybe next year...
ReplyDelete