What I could have bought.....

I was thinking today of all the money that we have spent, and will spend, on adoption attempts and fertility treatments. I was thinking about what we could have spent that money on. A down payment on a house. That would have been nice. Or a Nissan 350z for me. That would have been SWEET! I would look good in one of those. A burnt orange one, maybe? Yeah baby! If not that then a really nice wardrobe. An authentic Prada and maybe an LV or two. And maybe a pair of Christian Louboutins. Mhhmmm! A trip to Paris instead? Some shopping in Paris! That sounds like fun! So many fun things that we could have done with that money! Or we could have been more altruistic and donated to charities. Options! Options!

Instead we have spent it on lawyers, doctors, blood work, ultrasounds, and meds. And if we are really fortunate it will all result in dirty diapers, (more) stretch marks, sleepless nights, spit up stained clothing and wider hips. Hmmm...not sure if that sounds like a fair trade!!! Or if we are not fortunate then all we end up with are receipts. That really sounds unfair!!! I am sure that I would look better with an envelope clutch purse than an envelope of paid receipts. But even with all of the risks it is worth it to us. Just for that slim chance of being able to conceive we are willing to give up material things. But if this does not work I am buying me something shiny!!!

Nothing new to report

While in wait mode there is really nothing new to report. Still waiting for AF. Still waiting for the call from the clinic. Still waiting to choose our embies. Still waiting for the money to come in. So that means that I am still praying and still learning patience! But the wait is not all bad. I am keeping busy with cake decorating classes, visiting my new niece, reorganizing my house, and learning to crochet. Things that I won't get to enjoy often if we have a baby(s). Five years from now I may look back to this time with longing. So until then I will enjoy my freedom!!

God is providing!

I was awakened this morning, early morning I might add, to the phone ringing. It was my mom and she was quite excited. Each Friday on her way to work she buys a lottery ticket, the scratch-off kind. She rarely wins but today she won $50. So she bought another one and this time won $100! She figured that she was on a roll so she tried again and this time won $5,000!! She was giddy with excitement!! I told her that I was happy for her and before we hung up she said "A thousand of that is for your baby thing." I am half asleep and asked "What baby thing?". She said "You know. For your baby. To get pregnant." I cried and thanked her. She cried too. My mom has not been very supportive in all of this and it touched my heart that she gave us money for our transfer.

God has been providing the money for this is in baby steps while asking me to hold His hand along the way. I am learning, slowly but surely! I am not sure if I shared this but one of my blog readers donated the $100 that you see on the ChipIn widget to the right of this post. It was the first donation and it was what I called my hug from God. Him showing me that He has it covered and no amount of worrying is going to help Him. Just hours before that $100 was donated I had a panic attack. A mild one, but one nonetheless. I have been fine since then until last night. I had a bad attack last night and it came out of the blue. I was not even thinking about the money or the transfer. It just hit me. Hard! Then today I realized that both times money was donated I had an attack. Satan is fighting this every step of the way!! But God is bigger and with Him we will prevail.

I don't know if this transfer will work. What I do know is that God is leading us to do it. I am hoping and praying that it is for us to conceive. But if it is not then I will have to trust Him that He knows the reason behind this journey. I thank all of you for sharing this road with us! It makes the load lighter.

********UPDATED*********
Well............there is a glitch in the plan. My mom misread the ticket and did not win. A part of me is laughing and a part of me feels horrible for her. I know that she is disappointed and she has yet to call me (my sister told me). I am sure that she is dreading telling me about it. Honestly, I am fine. A little disappointed but fine. I recognize it as an attack of Satan and I refuse to allow him the victory in this. So were are back a few steps but not out!

So many emotions

My sister had her baby yesterday. My sister that never really wanted kids. In the beginning I dealt with all of the "why her and not me, God?" type of questions and have yet to receive any answers. Later I became resigned to the inevitable, shoving my feeling down as far as I could. During this pregnancy I was forced to face my demons. For years I avoided all things pregnancy and baby related but now there was not avoiding it. I not only went to a baby shower, but I hosted it. I purchased baby items. I even felt her belly. By the 8th month I thought that it was done, that there would be no more pain until I saw the baby. I was wrong.

My sister informed me that she wanted me in the room for the delivery. I panicked! I was terrified!!! I sought for any excuse to get out of it. But my sister needed me and I was unable to tell her no. In the weeks leading up to the big event I cried. I begged God to get me out of it. I lamented to my counselor. And her advice? To consider changing my perspective. I must say that that was not what I was hoping to hear. But I was done hurting so I considered it. I started to think of it as a gift, not a punishment. And 24 hours after the arrival of Baby Bella I find that it truly was a gift.

I am thankful for being given this opportunity though my heart is bruised from the experience. Having to leave with empty arms was difficult. I completely understood the term "barren" and it was not a good feeling. I adore my new little niece. She is beautiful! She has wormed her way into my heart. But I hurt for what I am missing. Birth is not what TV makes it out to be. It was long, tiring, messy, painful, and downright nasty! But it was a miracle and I want it, messiness and all.

HPT's

Have you ever wondered how many HPT's that you taken over the years?? I quit counting after the first 100 or so. I am a home pregnancy test connoisseur! I have tried the digital. I have tried the store brand. I have tried the dollar store brand. I have even purchased them in bulk from an online retailer. Bulk?!?! Really?? Yes, bulk.

You fertiles may be asking why we need so many. Well, some tests can detect as early as 10 DPO (days past ovulation). So we begin testing on day ten. And day eleven. Twelve. Well, you get the picture. This obsessive testing continues until aunt flo arrives, but as day 14 approaches you up the number of HPT's to two a day. Why two a day? Because that first one must have defective! Even though you used your first morning urine and waited the full 5 minutes and even dug it out of the trash 20 minutes later to double check, it must be wrong! Your sore boobies, frequently trips to the potty and upset tummy must be signs of pregnancy, right? So you try again. And again. Before you know if you have gone through 10 pregnancy tests in less than a week. Addiction? I say not. Just overly careful. And hopeful. That remind me, Walgreens is having a sale EPT brand.......better pick up a few hundred or so!

ICLW week....Meet me!

For those of you visiting the first time because of ICLW week, let me catch you up on what is happening in my little corner of the world.

I have been married 11 years and ttc all but 3 months of them. We learned about 9 months into it that hubby had a very low sperm count as well as low motility and morpholgy. Not good!! We decided to skip the whole ttc and meds route and went straight to adoption. Two failed adoption later we returned to the crazy world of ttc only to discover that our issues multiplied over the years. We now have the following diagnoses added to our repertoire: azoospermia, endometriosis, PCOS, blocked tube, and poor egg quality. Quite impressive isn't it?? You should see how thick my medical file is! Then you would really be jealous!

So where are we now? We are getting ready for our first frozen transfer using donated embryos. We are so excited to be going this route and hope to be announcing this Christmas that we are expecting.

So that is all about me. Well, a brief synopsis anyway. Hope to get to know a few of you better this week!!

Pills, Pills, Pills!!!

Here a pill, there a pill, everywhere a pill pill!!! I haven't even begun the meds for our transfer and I feel like I am a walking pill factory. With breakfast (low carb) I have to take one horse pill called Metformin. Then pray that it does not cause intestinal distress. Lunch and dinner are a repeat of breakfast. At night, before bed, with a snack, I take a prenatal. And somewhere in there I have to take my thyroid med and that has to be done on an empty stomach. Usually that is done in the AM when I first get up. If I remember.

Once we begin the meds for the FET I will be adding a few more to the mix. I haven't gotten my exact list or protocol but I do know that birth control pills, Estrace, and progesterone (I think that I start that before the FET, but having never done this before I am not sure) will be in there somewhere. So that will be, what? Eight pills a day? Yay me! But at least my RE prescribes progesterone in a pill form and not an injection! But take them all, I will. And gladly. Even if some of them are the size a pinky toe!!

In the wait

So AF has come and gone and now we are again just waiting. I have 2 packs of BCP sitting here waiting for AF to show up again. Waiting on the call from the coordinator to discuss protocol and to choose our embies. I think that I will name our child's middle name Esperar, the Spanish translation for the word wait. I like it better than the German word warten or the French version attendre. Or maybe I will have a son and name him Warten Attendre. That has a nice ring to it!!!

During our esperar I am learning new things. I am taking a cake decorating class and I am teaching myself how to crochet. Where all this domesticity is coming from I do not know! I figure that if I learn to crochet it will give me something to do if I end up on bed rest. And lets face it, nothing else about conception has been easy so I doubt that pregnancy will be either. So I will crochet baby blankets and eat the cakes that I am learning to make. Sounds like a plan!!! Though by the end of the 9 months I will no longer be my chubby self but a beached whale! But it will be worth it! And I will take every opportunity to remind our little miracle(s) of the reason behind my fluffiness.

Remembering a Dear Friend

I found out today that fellow infertile sister of mine passed away. Renee and I met over 4 years ago on an infertility forum. We became friends pretty quickly and liked to banter and bicker with each other. Renee hated the color pink, a color that I absolutely love!! She liked to razz me about my obsession with fashion and shopping. I would post things just to annoy her. It was a fun relationship!!

Her death has hit me hard. Though we never met face to face our hearts were knitted together by our common bond of infertility as well as our Lord. I hurt for her husband right now as I don't know how he can survive the loss of his soul mate. I cannot imagine facing what he will face in the days, weeks and months to come. How do you get over something like that? No one should ever have to go through this especially at such a young age.

In life Renee mourned her empty arms, but right now she is in Heaven and that pain is gone. I am glad that her physical pain as well as her emotional pain no longer exists though I hurt for those that she left behind. Her passing has put so many things into perspective. God has given me so many things to be thankful for and this is a reminder of that. I thank God for my husband, my church, my friends and my family. Though I hope that my infertility journey soon comes to an end I realize that it pales in comparison to the loss of a loved one.

I will miss you, Renee!!!!!!

Be careful for nothing......

Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Phil:4:6,7 KJV


This verse has been floating through my head for the past few days. I am trying to hold onto it, to the promise of peace that it gives. But that is easier said than done. I am not normally a worrier. I am a planner. A doer. Worry is for the weak. HA! Worry and anxiety are trying to become my constant companions. I am fighting it with all my might. Maybe that is why I am failing. My might will get me nowhere, I need His might.

Through the past 11 years of of battling infertility and losing my babies (failed adoptions) I have struggled with my walk with God. I would love to be able to say that I always turned to Him in my time of need, but that would be a lie. More often than not I railed at Him for the injustices of it all. I knew that life would not be a cake walk, but infertility was so far from what I had ever imagined. I want to be close to Him, but I feel as though I cannot trust Him. It hurts for me to even type that and I only do so because there are others that may read this that are hurting and need to know that they are not alone. I trust God to provide in every area of my life, except infertility. My wonderful counselor helped me to see the error of my ways and I am working on my relationship with Him especially in the area of trust.

Tonight true anxiety has crept in. I have only ever had anxiety one other time and it was no fun!! Having it show up now is not making me happy! I am anxious that it won't work out and we won't get our embies. I am anxious that we will do the transfer and it won't work. I am anxious that it will work only to lose the baby. None of this fear is helpful and I am trying to turn it over to Him. My selfishness wants me to hold onto my embies and leave God out of the equation. Yet I know that without God I have nothing. I have not even been matched with our embies, yet I am attached to them. I love them. I have dreams for them. But I want His will more than my own hopes and dreams, even if it means giving up my embies.

For those of you that pray, please pray that I can fully trust in Him. Pray that I can focus on my walk rather than my will.

Are Doctors Really Necessary?

If you walk down the "personal" aisle of your local drug store you will see a variety of fertility related tests. You can test your spouse's swimmers all in the privacy of your own home. You can pee on a stick and know exactly when you are going to ovulate or if you are pregnant. There is even a kit that now test your FSH. With all of this advanced at home technology, reproductive endocrinolgists may be out of business soon!!

Not to mention that your Great Aunt Sally may hold the secret to your baby dreams.............stand on your head after sex. Or your cousin Susie tells you to have sex everyday. Or your friend tells you to have sex in the back seat of your parents car. If none of that works there are always the old standbys: relax, adopt, read a book, quit thinking about it, drink that water from my house, etc.

So the way I figure it I just need to spend a total of $120.91+tax for all of the at home tests and a good book, have sex everyday while standing on my head in the back seat of the car right after I drink the right "water" and try not to think about it and VIOLA! I will be preggo!!!

Phew! I wish that someone would have shared all of this genius with me years ago! It would have saved me a fortune!!!!

Aunt Jessie

I have one niece and I love, love, love being an aunt! My niece, L, and I share a special bond. She is my brother's daughter and he is raising her. L's mom is one of those woman that we infertiles want to beat the crap out of. She has been given a beautiful daughter that she treats like dirt. It breaks my heart for L. But this has allowed me to have a very close relationship with L, a relationship that I wouldn't trade for the world. The other night L called me at 2:30 am in tears. She had an earache and just wanted me. So I scrounged up some glasses, threw on some sweats and went to go get her. She kept me up all night. When we did try to sleep she kicked me over and over. And I loved it!!!

I am getting ready to be an aunt again. My sister is due this week with a little girl. I am approaching this impending birth with some trepidation. Because this niece will have a good mom I won't be "needed" like I was with L and I am afraid that I won't be as close to her. I am also at a different place in my life than when L was born. Instead of being 3 years into infertility with so much hope I am now 11 years into infertility with very little hope left. I am thankful to have embryo adoption to focus on right now as it helps to combat some of the jealousy that I am feeling. But I am still anticipating the tears that will fall as I drive away from the hospital after the birth of my new niece. I really hope that there will come a day where I can truly rejoice with each new birth. The reality is that even if we do have children then scars of infertility run deep, maybe even too deep to ever feel true joy for the extremely fertile.

Even with all of the conflicting emotions I look forward to meeting this new little person. I love being an aunt and it will be fun to spoil another one and still be able to walk away when they cry and throw a tantrum!

Thoughts on Becoming Mother

I found this years ago and it has always been a blessing to me and I wanted to share it with all of you that are struggling with infertility.

_________
Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers, I know I will be one of the best. I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better woman, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. Yes I will be a wonderful mother...one of the best.

~Author Unknown

The Baby Fund

With the frozen transfer fast approaching I am having to get creative to find the funds for the FET. Wow! That was a lot of "F" words!!! I am looking on Craigslist for side jobs, though all I am finding right now are exotic dancers and telemarketers, neither of which I am willing to do. ;-) I am collecting things to sell in a yard sale. I have a pile of stuff ready to go, even some of my designer purses. If you knew me you would know how sad this makes me. But hey, a baby is worth it!! I am even going to sell my wedding dress. I am sentimental and wanted to keep it, but what will I do with it?? Wear it again? Nope! Not unless it can be let out about 10 sizes!! Let my daughter wear it? Well, if I don't do this transfer there won't even be a daughter to worry about. Besides, in 20+ years the dress will be over 30 years old. Not antique or vintage, just old. I had hoped to use it to make a bassinet cover with it, but let's be honest, I would never actually do it. So sell it I must.

I am going through my books and selling them on half.com. I sold my first book yesterday!! Only a bagillion more to go! I have joined ChipIn (see widget on the right side of page) for friends and family to donate if they want to. We are cutting out extra spending (all but basic cable, not eating out, etc). I took my nails off (and hate it!). I am even looking on the black market to see how much I would fetch for one of hubby's kidneys! Okay, nothing that drastic yet, but I am considering selling my little, cute car and just drive hubby's granny car. So I will wear a generic purse, have ugly nails, and drive an ugly granny car?? But at least I am not telemarketing, right??? =D

Getting closer!

I had another follow-up today from my surgery. During this visit I got to meet the coordinator for the embryos. She is awesome!!! There is one couple ahead of us and once they choose their embies we get to choose ours. AHHH! (that was a happy scream) I told the coordinator that I was not particular but that I prefer a cute baby if at all possible. She laughed and said that she would do her best. She gave me two packs of bcp's and will call me when it is time to start them. Probably during my next cycle......in 4 weeks. AAHHHHH!!!! (that was a scared scream!!)

It is really starting to feel real to me. Very real. And slightly scary. I am doing my best to rest in Him, but sheesh! That is not easy!! I am a planner. I make lists and plan in advance. Nothing in my life has gone as planned! Yet I persevere and still plan. Right now I am planning on how to pay for this and I still have no idea how it will happen. My hubby is the eternal optimist and keeps telling me that the money will be provided. I live somewhere between realism and pessimism and I can't relax until the entire amount is my account. I am checking the Kelly Blue Book price of my car just in case we need to sell it. I am wanting to get my wedding ring appraised just in case. Hubby is not having any of it. They are right when they say opposites attract!

So in the next month or so I will start bcp and have an appointment to review the protocol for the FET. And choose the embies. Our potential babies. That is so weird to say!! AHHHHH!!! (that was another happy scream with a little apprehension mixed in!)

An Exercise of Faith

The entire journey through infertility has been an exercise of faith. Faith that you will get through another pregnancy announcement. Faith that your family will be compassionate. Faith that a treatment will work. Faith that you will one day conceive. Faith that a birth mother will choose you. Faith that you will survive this journey.

Along that way that faith wavers for many of us. It is hard to believe that it will all work out one day. It is difficult to see the purpose behind this struggle. Many times faith is all that you have to hold on to. Right now I am reaching for Faith. Faith that things work out for the transfer. Faith that the money will be there. And faith that it will work. All while I doubt that we will have the money. And doubt that it will work.

So often faith and doubt go hand in hand. I wish that I had enough faith that the doubts would go away, but I do not. I am doing my best to remain optimistic, but that is a challenge considering nothing else has worked out. I remind myself that God has brought us here and is opening doors that would have otherwise remained closed to us. Yet, I must remind myself that this does not guarantee success. Our upcoming transfer may be the finish line for us, or just another stop in the road. And right now all I can do is have faith that we will come out on the other side a better person for having done it, regardless of the outcome.

For those of you with IF blogs

I have started an infertility website and would like to add links to blogs on it. If you are interested in having yours added please visit dreamingofconceiving.com and go to the WEBSITE page and then to BLOGS. There is a form there for you to fill out and then I will add it to the list. I am asking the blog author request their blog to be added instead of me just listing ones that are out there. Thanks!!!

Dreams

I do not dream often, but when I do they are vivid. I have woken up angry at the hubby for something he did in my dream. My emotions from my dreams tend to stay with me for awhile after I wake. Recently I had a dream that I was part of a team hunting 2 mosquitoes. Now these were not just any mosquitoes, let me tell you! Scientists had rid the world of these pesky little buggers and lab created new ones. Kind of like in Noah's day, starting with just two, and hoping to rid the world of malaria and other diseases transferred by mosquitoes. But the scientists made a mistake and these two were super skeeters and were able to reproduce rapidly. (go figure, even in my dreams I am surrounded by fertile creatures). So were were on a mission to catch them! When we got close the mosquitoes would stop and break out in song and dance. Crazy dream!!! I woke up before we caught them so I don't know what ever happened to the little guys.

Since we got the call about the embryos I have had a recurring dream, which is very rare for me. A frightening dream!! A nightmare, actually. I dream that I become pregnant from the transfer (that is the good part) but things don't go as planned. No, they are not monster babies. No, nothing bad happens to them. The scary part is that there are FOUR of them!! QUADS!! Talk about scaring the bajeebers out of me! I would love to have twins, but four?? Not so much! My hubby travels a lot and the thoughts of caring for four crying, hungry, poopy babies is terrifying to say the least. I either want 1-2 babies or eight. Before you deem me crazy, listen to my logic: With 1 or 2 I can care for them on my own. I can still go to the grocery store or church without help. But with 3 or more it will be impossible without an army of helpers. And in order to get an army of helpers I have to have enough babies to be up there with the Octomom! No one will notice if I only have 4 babies, but with 8 we can have our own reality show!!

Nothing yet....

I am still waiting, quite impatiently I might add, for my donor list to arrive. I could call the clinic, but they are closed until Tuesday and I have an appointment on Thursday. And I can't remember the woman's name that I am supposed to talk to. I might as well wait until I get there and ask for it in person. She may be waiting to send it to me sometimes next week. There is a couple using a few donated embies that if it is successful and there are any left over I might want them. Apparently these are super embies as the original couple had twins and the next couple had a singleton. They seem to be very healthy, sticky embies and I want that kind! It does seem a bit odd to me to know that if we use them and have a child(ren) that there will be 3-4 other siblings in the area that we do not know. But on the upside, my kids will never have premarital sex.......it could be their sister or brother! ;-)

Infertility is like a hemorrhoid

We have a man in our life that is the epitome of "Grumpy Old Man". He is one of those that complain just to complain. For some reason he has decided to share that he has a "hemorrhoid the size of a walnut" with us. I know, TMI. I didn't need to know that tidbit of useless information either. Why I made the correlation to infertility I will never know!! But here is why infertility is like a hemorrhoid:

You never wake up thinking "this is going to hurt today" but inevitably, it does.

No matter where you go, it is always "hanging around".

Though it does not completely prohibit you from activities, it does make you consider how uncomfortable said activity might make you and you make a decision accordingly.

No one really wants to hear about your "issue".

It is a pain that is completely real but because others can not see it, they do not think it exists or that it really matters.

Once it is removed from you there is instant relief.

And last but not least: They are both a pain in the butt!

Pictures for my baby book

Do you remember as a child/teen when you were misbehaving and your mom would remind you of how long she was in labor with you, trying to guilt you into obeying? And how you swore you would never do that to your children? Yeah, right! You know you will repeat all of the things that you hated in your parents. But I have decided that reminding my future kids of the "36 hours of labor" is not enough. When being exceptionally bad I will tell them about the 11 years I endured infertility, the surgeries, the shots, the drugs....everything it took to conceive them! And so I am planning my baby book to hold all of my guilt inducing photos. I have my first one already and it will go in the baby book right before pics of the embies and ultrasound photos. This is a pic of the bruise from recent blood work.

Another reason that I want to do this (aside from the above mentioned evil reasons) is to show our adopted children that they were wanted. And just how much they were wanted. If I can guilt them into doing my will with the same photos, that will be a bonus. ;-)

Blood work......CHECK

When I checked the mail yesterday I found an envelope bearing that logo of my clinic and I hurriedly opened it, hoping to find a donor list. I was disappointed to find an order for blood work instead. Both hubby and I have to have 10 tests run before the transfer. I got mine done today. Hubby is out of town until next week. It is nice to have accomplished at least my blood work but I hate to have to wait for him to do his. And I hate that I have not received my donor list. A patient person I am not!! And I really hope that the clinic is not waiting for the results from the lab before mailing it. If I do not have it by next week I will just march into her office and request it! ;-) I have an appointment there next week anyway so I will ask for it if I don't have it. I might just ask hwe which ones had cute babies so I know which ones to choose!! :D