So many emotions

My sister had her baby yesterday. My sister that never really wanted kids. In the beginning I dealt with all of the "why her and not me, God?" type of questions and have yet to receive any answers. Later I became resigned to the inevitable, shoving my feeling down as far as I could. During this pregnancy I was forced to face my demons. For years I avoided all things pregnancy and baby related but now there was not avoiding it. I not only went to a baby shower, but I hosted it. I purchased baby items. I even felt her belly. By the 8th month I thought that it was done, that there would be no more pain until I saw the baby. I was wrong.

My sister informed me that she wanted me in the room for the delivery. I panicked! I was terrified!!! I sought for any excuse to get out of it. But my sister needed me and I was unable to tell her no. In the weeks leading up to the big event I cried. I begged God to get me out of it. I lamented to my counselor. And her advice? To consider changing my perspective. I must say that that was not what I was hoping to hear. But I was done hurting so I considered it. I started to think of it as a gift, not a punishment. And 24 hours after the arrival of Baby Bella I find that it truly was a gift.

I am thankful for being given this opportunity though my heart is bruised from the experience. Having to leave with empty arms was difficult. I completely understood the term "barren" and it was not a good feeling. I adore my new little niece. She is beautiful! She has wormed her way into my heart. But I hurt for what I am missing. Birth is not what TV makes it out to be. It was long, tiring, messy, painful, and downright nasty! But it was a miracle and I want it, messiness and all.