Our journey through infertility, failed adoptions and now parenthood through the miracle of embryo adoption/donation.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

So many emotions

My sister had her baby yesterday. My sister that never really wanted kids. In the beginning I dealt with all of the "why her and not me, God?" type of questions and have yet to receive any answers. Later I became resigned to the inevitable, shoving my feeling down as far as I could. During this pregnancy I was forced to face my demons. For years I avoided all things pregnancy and baby related but now there was not avoiding it. I not only went to a baby shower, but I hosted it. I purchased baby items. I even felt her belly. By the 8th month I thought that it was done, that there would be no more pain until I saw the baby. I was wrong.

My sister informed me that she wanted me in the room for the delivery. I panicked! I was terrified!!! I sought for any excuse to get out of it. But my sister needed me and I was unable to tell her no. In the weeks leading up to the big event I cried. I begged God to get me out of it. I lamented to my counselor. And her advice? To consider changing my perspective. I must say that that was not what I was hoping to hear. But I was done hurting so I considered it. I started to think of it as a gift, not a punishment. And 24 hours after the arrival of Baby Bella I find that it truly was a gift.

I am thankful for being given this opportunity though my heart is bruised from the experience. Having to leave with empty arms was difficult. I completely understood the term "barren" and it was not a good feeling. I adore my new little niece. She is beautiful! She has wormed her way into my heart. But I hurt for what I am missing. Birth is not what TV makes it out to be. It was long, tiring, messy, painful, and downright nasty! But it was a miracle and I want it, messiness and all.


  1. God is growing you, that's for sure! He never said this life would be easy- just never forget that He's there beside you still and He feels your pain. Even when we feel like life is unfair, we have to remember that we only see the little picture. God sees the WHOLE picture! Praying for you!

  2. I am so sorry. I know what the hurt feels like. You are so determined -- one day you will have a baby of your own. I wish it was now - it will happen!

  3. I'm glad you were able to experice this without feeling bitter. That shows growth.


  4. You have been on my mind alot. Im glad you have a good counselor to talk to! It is so hard to change your viewpoint! Glad you were able to view it as a gift. Cant wait for you to be blogging about your own experience!!!


I love comments! They make me feel important.