Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Phil:4:6,7 KJV
This verse has been floating through my head for the past few days. I am trying to hold onto it, to the promise of peace that it gives. But that is easier said than done. I am not normally a worrier. I am a planner. A doer. Worry is for the weak. HA! Worry and anxiety are trying to become my constant companions. I am fighting it with all my might. Maybe that is why I am failing. My might will get me nowhere, I need His might.
Through the past 11 years of of battling infertility and losing my babies (failed adoptions) I have struggled with my walk with God. I would love to be able to say that I always turned to Him in my time of need, but that would be a lie. More often than not I railed at Him for the injustices of it all. I knew that life would not be a cake walk, but infertility was so far from what I had ever imagined. I want to be close to Him, but I feel as though I cannot trust Him. It hurts for me to even type that and I only do so because there are others that may read this that are hurting and need to know that they are not alone. I trust God to provide in every area of my life, except infertility. My wonderful counselor helped me to see the error of my ways and I am working on my relationship with Him especially in the area of trust.
Tonight true anxiety has crept in. I have only ever had anxiety one other time and it was no fun!! Having it show up now is not making me happy! I am anxious that it won't work out and we won't get our embies. I am anxious that we will do the transfer and it won't work. I am anxious that it will work only to lose the baby. None of this fear is helpful and I am trying to turn it over to Him. My selfishness wants me to hold onto my embies and leave God out of the equation. Yet I know that without God I have nothing. I have not even been matched with our embies, yet I am attached to them. I love them. I have dreams for them. But I want His will more than my own hopes and dreams, even if it means giving up my embies.
For those of you that pray, please pray that I can fully trust in Him. Pray that I can focus on my walk rather than my will.