Our journey through infertility, failed adoptions and now parenthood through the miracle of embryo adoption/donation.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Survivor's Guilt

The past few days have been wrought with feelings of survivor's guilt. I love that I am now pregnant and that my waiting is over, but I hurt for those still waiting. I feel as though I have abandoned my infertile sisters. Like a traitor. I also feel relief that I have finally crossed to the "other side" and that makes for even more guilt. The truth is that for so many years I was the one that "left behind". I have paid my dues (11 years worth) and it is finally my turn, but it does not remove the pain of leaving others behind.

I am also struggling with where I fit in. I am still an infertile and the years of ttc will always be a part of who I am. This struggle has shaped who I am today. It has made me a survivor for I have kicked infertility's butt! For that I am proud!!! As painful as the last 11 years have been I can't forget them. It has now become a badge of honor. But now that I am going to be a mom don't I need to find my place there as well? How do I bridge the gap between the fertiles and infertiles? Which one am I? Am I both? I will never really be fertile, but I will be a mother. Yet becoming friends with fertiles feels like a betrayal to my infertile sisters.

I never realized how many emotions that I would be experiencing right now. I am praying that all of my infertile sisters would have their prayers answered this year!!!!

5 comments:

  1. ((((Jess,))))) I so don't feel forgotten by you and please do not feel like you are betraying your infertile sisters. I think it would be worse if you didn't remember "where you came from" (so to speak) THAT would be a betrayal.

    I am so very happy for you, and after 11 years you really do deserve this. Really take the time to enjoy this time in your life.

    I hope to make to the "other side" one day.

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  2. Hi Jess
    Found your blog via ICLW. Congratulations on your pregnancy. It must be an exciting time for you and family. Good luck in your journey, you surely have come a long way.
    Enjoy the Holidays!

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  3. I really relate to this. I didn't deal w/ IF feelings as long as you have, but I did find that once we adopted our first little one, I definitely felt a sense of separation from my other IF sisters. It was just....I was dealing with different things, had different questions, so I was talking w/ different people.....and I also felt sensitive to others' pain, & while I knew they were genuinely happy for me, I didn't really want to rub their noses in my own joy....

    There is a part of me that will always relate to those who've dealt with IF.

    But now that I'm 3.5 years into parenting, I find that I much more fit in the "mom crowd," & my community is much more defined by those who are parents.

    It is a bittersweet thing, but I think it's also a natural one. Just like parents of teenagers really just don't relate in the same way to parents of preschoolers...

    Not sure I'm making sense...just trying to acknowledge that it's a bittersweet thing, and, I think, a natural one.

    Christy

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  4. You have no reason to feel bad/guilty. I am so very happy for you, 11 years is such a long time to wait on your blessing. (But thanks so much for caring about us that are still in the waiting.)

    Congrats and blessings to you!

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  5. ICLWer here.

    Congratulations on your pregnancy! I was actually matched with embryos from MIracles Waiting when I had a surprise natural pregnancy. You know, because I relaxed. As someone who was able to get pregnant after dealing with secondary IF, I felt all of that guilt. It's hard to fully enjoy all a pregnancy when you can't bring everyone else with you.

    Best of luck to you!!

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