Our journey through infertility, failed adoptions and now parenthood through the miracle of embryo adoption/donation.

Monday, May 31, 2010

Hello 3rd trimester! Nice to meet you!!

I have an iPhone (the best phone EVER!) and one of the apps that I have is called iPregnancy. Wonderful little tool. Monday starts my new week, pregnancy wise. I checked it today and this is what it said:


Woo Hoo! Talk about doing a happy dance! I never thought that I would be pregnant, let alone entering my 3rd trimester. God is so good!!! I know that it is not over yet and anything can happen, but I am starting to feel like this is really going to happen. You would think that having a nursery ready, planning a baby shower, peeing 4 times a night and having a baby kick the crap out of you would make it real, but really, it doesn't. I don't think that I will actually believe it until I am trying to squeeze her head out of my epidurally happy hoo-ha.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Cloth diapers

I have been debating whether or not to use cloth diapers or not. I am still not sure what I will do, most likely a combination of cloth (at home) and disposable (while out). I have been slowly accumulating a small stash of cloth diapers to try. I will be watching my 8 month old niece for 3 days soon and I plan to practice on her.

So far I have one Flip with insert (in the cutest pink?zinnia color), one green bumGenius AIO, and 5 Kushies (that I found on Craigslist for $20 brand new!). I want to get a Thirsties cover and some pre-folds to round out my stash. Once I try them all I will keep the ones that I love, sell the ones I do not care for and invest in the ones that I liked. I also registered for disposable diapers as well as some gDiapers to try. I am actually excited to try them out!

I received a package today with the bumGenius and Flip and hubby asked if they were for the dogs!!! He had good reason to ask though, as my male dog has a problem with marking his territory and has to wear a belly band (cummerbund looking thing) at all times and the female has issues if left alone for too long so she has a few diapers as well. So about every 3 days I wash dog diapers. Baby diapers should be no different, right??

Friday, May 28, 2010

My one year blogiversary!

I just realized that May 27th was my one year anniversary of starting this blog. When I started it I had no idea where life was going to take us. I just knew that I needed a place to write out my feelings about this crazy journey called infertility. This time last year I had not even called to set up a consult with the two REs in our area that will do FETs with donated embies. We were still hoping for a match through Miracle's Waiting. A few weeks after I began this blog I found the courage to call the two different RE's, met with both, then was informed by one that they did have an embryo donation program and I could get on it. In July I had surgery to remove a polyp and had to wait at least 3 cycles before we could do the FET. We had no clue how long a match would take (we were on a waiting list) and assumed that it would be at least 6 months, maybe even a year before we were matched. One week before by 3rd cycle (after surgery) we received "the call". Five weeks later I started meds and 2 weeks after that we had the transfer. Now I am entering my 3rd trimester! Wow! What a difference a year makes!

When I began this blog I can honestly say that I thought my life would remain unchanged. After 11 years of ttc, 2 failed adoptions, and 4 unsuccessful IUI's I had no reason to hope. So many times I had allowed myself to dream, to hope that we would have a child and time and again our hearts were crushed. My heart was scared to believe. And now, one year later, my life has been completely changed. And I thank all of you for your support during this journey. And this journey is not complete. Infertility will always be a part of my life and I plan to continue to blog about it. And I plan to continue supporting those that are still waiting. Praying that your time is soon to come.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Feedback needed for new Embryo Adoption program!!!

City Jen over at 3,2,1!!! 3 Babes, 2 Jens, 1 Cause- Embryo Adoption is helping a clinic in St. Louis set up an Embryo Adoption program. This is exciting news!!! There is not another clinic in this area that has a program. This will be a great help in finding homes for frozen embies and for helping couples become parents. She is hoping to create the "perfect" EA program and is looking for feedback from those on all sides of embryo adoption and donation to tell her what they liked about their program, disliked about it, or what they are looking for in a program. It is not very often that we, the patients, get a voice. Please take a moment to follow the link to her blog and read her post and to email her at JensAdoptionBlessings@gmail.com . She is a fellow EA recipient and really has a passion and a heart for EA. What an amazing opportunity to help match families together!!!!

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Things that infertility has taught me

Infertility has, by far, been the most difficult situation that I have ever gone through. My life has not been a bed of roses, but nothing else compares to the pain of infertility. But through it all I refused to allow it win, to beat me. There were days that I was so low that I thought that I would never see daylight again, but in the end I fought my way out of the darkness. In my refusal to be beaten I have tried to learn the lessons that infertility has offered me. Though I will admit that there different ways I would have preferred to have learned these lessons, but God chose infertility. I feel that if I can learn something from it then it is not all in vain.

Here are a few things that I have learned:

* Compassion. I do not have to go through a loss of a loved one or a divorce to know that it is painful. Before infertility I did not have as much compassion, but now I do. I can empathize with those that suffer.

* Acceptance of others. Each of us have a different path in life and are in a different place. We each have to walk this path at our own pace. I may want to hurry someone along, but I cannot. All I can do is be there when they need a helping hand.

* Love. It is easy to kick someone when they are down, or to step over them. But they need someone to love them and not judge them instead.

* Support. I may have an opinion about someone's choices, but they are not mine to make. Unless someone is sinning I now support their choices and offer encouragement instead of judgement.

* To be vocal. I used to hide my pain and suffer in silence. Then one day I realized that many others suffer in silence as well. By being vocal I am able to help others as well as find support for myself.

* Patience. This was the hardest lesson for me to learn. God's timing is not my own and I hate being out of control. By letting go and letting God things have worked out so much better for me.

I am sure that there are many more lessons that I have learned, but these are the most important to me. What lessons has infertility taught you?

Monday, May 24, 2010

It's saggy, it's flabby....

It makes me kinda crabby!! My belly, that is! This guy has a better baby bump than I do! How sad is that?!?!?! I am now nearing my 3rd trimester (1 week away) and I still look F-A-T. I hear other women complain because everyone wants to rub their belly. I wish!!! My niece's mom did rub my belly the other day, but she rubbed the well rounded top that was just fat. Maddie is still by my belly button. I kept hoping that she wouldn't rub any lower or she would have encountered my dent. I should invent some belly putty! I bet all chubby chicks with a B belly would swarm to buy it. I could make a fortune!

I wore a dress to church yesterday that, while standing, gives me a nice bump. But when I sit my belly morphs and contorts into a squishy blob and leaves me with all this extra fabric bunched in the front of me. I am now one of those women that you see and wonder "Hmmm...is she pregnant?? Or just fat??". In the next 14 weeks I hope to POP! Or maybe I should just go to a maternity clothing store and swipe one of their falsie bumps!!! ;-)

Friday, May 21, 2010

The Pros of infertility

I think that we can all agree that infertility sucks! The pain, the longing, the sadness. But there is an upside to every bad situation and infertility is no different. So here are the pros to infertility:

* You never have to worry about birth control pills or stumbling around for a condom during the heat of the moment.

* You can have sex whenever and wherever you want. 'Cause you know we infertiles do it like rabbits.

* You can dress your dogs up in clothes. Not only do people accept it, they expect it.

* You can put your "kids" (furbabies) in a cage. No need to pay for a sitter!

* You can streak through your house nekkid.

* With all of the money that you save on birth control you can afford to go on vacation 4 times a year. Hawaii here I come!

* Instead of diapers and formula you can buy Jimmy Choo shoes and Prada bags.

* You can be a lush and no one will turn you in to child services.

* You and your hubby can fight and yell at each other and call each other names without worrying about little ears hearing you and repeating profanities.

* More people have seen your hoo-ha than the average crack whore yet you never have to worry about being called a whore or getting an STD.

* You get to meet new people all the time: RE's, ultrasound techs, lab techs, nurses, etc.

* You can give yourself a shot in your hiney, track your cycles by checking cervical mucous and hold an intelligent conversation with most doctors.

* You know what RE, PIO, EWCM, and 5dp3dt means and can use all terms in a sentence.

See? It is not all bad!!! Now add your own!

ICLW: May edition!

Welcome fellow ICLW-ers! If you are unsure of what ICLW is, there is a nifty little button on the right that will link you right to a description. Now back to me! Hmmm....what would you like to know?

* I am 32, going to be 33 this July.
* July also marks our 12th wedding anniversary.
* We are a squishy couple that are now expecting our first child via embryo donation.
* I love to read and shop. Shoes and purses are my weakness!
* I am currently not working and plan on being a SAHM.
* I have endo, mild PCOS and a blocked tube. Hubby has no swimmers. Can't get much worse than that!!!!
* My favorite shows are CSI (love Nick Stokes, ahhhhh), Criminal Minds, House, Bones and Fringe. And I am sad that the season is almost over. =(

I think that is about it. Stick around and I am sure that you find many interesting facts about me. Or maybe not. But at least if I have more followers I won't feel like such a loser!!! ;-)

Thursday, May 20, 2010

It still hurts....

At currently 6 months pregnant you would think that the only thing on my mind would be how happy and grateful I am for this pregnancy. And the truth is I am exceedingly happy for my baby girl! But infertility has left it's indelible mark and it still hurts. Today I read on Facebook that a young woman that used to be in our youth group is pregnant. Again. Five months after giving birth to her daughter. She and her husband are in their early 20's. They are one of four having their second or third child all before the age of 25 in this particular church.

I am not old by any means, but it dawned on me that I will 38 when Maddie starts kindergarten!!! And at least 40 when a second child (God willing) starts school. Now that makes me feel OLD! And all of Maddie's classmates will have young mommies and daddies. How did this happen?? I thought that by now my youngest would be in school by now, not still baking my oldest. And what if this is my only child? I will love her to pieces but I will still be sad that we don't have any more children. It saddens me that while others pop out kids like it is the easiest thing in the world to do, we have to begin planning a year in advance so that we can find a doctor (mine retired), find embryos and save the money.

Okay, enough whining! I just needed to get that off my chest. On to happier news: I PASSED MY 3 HOUR GLUCOSE TEST!!!!!!! WOO HOO!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

It's all coming together

The nursery is really coming together! For weeks I have been debating whether to get a co-sleeper or a bassinet. If I had the room next to my bed I would just use the bassinet part of a pack n play, but I don't. So I began looking at Arm's Reach Co-sleepers and bassinets. Can I just say EXPENSIVE!!!! It is crazy how much they cost, especially considering how little use they get. I thought about registering for one but if I did not get it I would be scrambling to find one at the last minute. So Craigslist became my best friend!

Yesterday I found a gorgeous Eddie Bauer bassinet (see pic above). It was very gently used, came with an upgraded mattress and 5 sheets. And the good news is that it was only $50! We picked it up last night and I have already taken it apart and washed everything and put it back together. It is not set up next to my bed, just waiting for baby Maddie.

Tonight I also ordered the last piece of my crib bedding set, the mobile. Paying for sheets, bedding and even decor does not bother me, but $50 for a mobile??? Seriously? So I waited until I had earned enough Swagbucks to redeem them for $30 worth of Amazon gift cards and then bought it. $15 is much better than $50!

Last week we got the car seat and stroller travel set. It was second hand, but like new. I know that there is a lot of controversy on whether or not to get a used car seat or not, but this one is not expired and in great shape. So that was taken apart (what a job!) and washed everything and put it all back together again. After all that work I wonder if it was worth it to save $150!!!

And last but not least, I ordered 2 cloth diapers. I am not sold on them, but willing to give them a try. At least around the house. The site Kelly's Closet has a deal going on where you can get a free AIO bumGenius diaper with a $10 purchase. (just go to the bumGenius page for the code). I ordered one Flip diaper with liner and the free bumGenius.

I had my 3 hour glucose test yesterday and now waiting for the results. Until then I am living it up!!!! well, that concludes my update! I will let you know if I passed my test or not tomorrow.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Crazy Day!

So I went to bed last night at 11:30 and fell right asleep. I usually wake up every three hours to go potty, but last night horrible pains woke me up. Now before you freak, I was not contracting! Even as a first time mom I knew that this was not contractions. But whatever it was it was painful!!! It felt like an angry gnome was in my stomach trying to fight his way out. Photobucket
Each cramp or spasm or whatever lasted about 10-15 seconds and about 2-3 an hour. I would just fall back asleep only to be assaulted again. Then Maddie would wake up to wage war against me as well. This continued until 7 am and I thought that I was in the clear. Then while at a store trying to spend hubby's hard earned money it started again. I called the doc and he sent me to labor and delivery just to check everything out.

I was there for a few hours and the attending thought it one of two things: gallstones or GERD. I assured him that this was much worse that GERD, but he just gave me a condescending-I-am-a-doctor-and-know-everything kind of look. Seriously, if that was GERD, shoot me now! There is no way that people that suffer from GERD would be able to function with this kind of pain. And I have stage IV endo and I can endure some pretty tough stuff and this about killed me!

They ran some blood work and did an ultrasound and all of that came back fine. Then they gave me this toxic tasting stuff that was a cure all for acid in the stomach. I was assured that if it was GERD that I would feel better almost immediately. Half an hour later....still in pain. Stupid doctor! So they sent me home. I feel much better now, but still sore. Good news is that Maddie is great and I was not having any contractions. Bad news is that we do not know what caused this. Oh, and more bad news: While waiting for the test results my OBs office called. I failed my 1 hour glucose test!! BLEH! I have the three hour on Monday. I think that I might live it up this weekend! All the carbs and sugar I can eat. Tiramisu here I come!!!

So that was my crazy day! Hope that all of yours was better.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Gorgeous Blogger Award!

Krystal, at Where the Green Grass Grows nominated me for this award. Thanks Krystal!!!!

Here are the rules:

Accept and thank the person who gave it to you!
List 5 things about yourself
List 5 additional things you DON'T like
Then pick 5 people to give this lovely award to!

5 things about myself:

1) I have a phobia of light bulbs.
2) I love yard sales!
3) May is the one year anniversary of when I began this blog.
4) I will be celebrating my 12th wedding anniversary this summer.
5) My favorite movie is Steel Magnolias.

5 things that I don't like:

1) My fingernails. They are dry and grow funky.
2) That my doggies are getting old and now incontinent.
3) Spiders. 'Nuff said!
4) People that stop in the middle of store aisles to talk to someone.
5) Yucky public restrooms.

5 Bloggers to give this award to:
1) Emily at A Hope and a Wish For Gift From a Petri Dish.
2) Kate at Busted Plumbing.
3) PCOSChick at His and Hers Infertility.
4) Stacy at The Royal Report.
5) Chelle at Once and Infertile.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Wordless Wednesday

Recently my aunt joined Facebook. She posted a photo on her page that I had not seen before. It is a professional photo of her and myself when I was 2 or 3 years old. Was I adorable or what?!?!? =D


Tuesday, May 11, 2010

She kicked my computer!

One of the disadvantages of being a chubby girl is the inability to feel baby girl kicking on the outside. This is compounded by my anterior placenta. My hubby has been whining and complaining that he wants to feel her kick and I told him that it could be weeks still. But today that all changed! I was sitting here with my computer on my tummy and I felt her kick but I also saw the computer move as well! I couldn't believe it! Sadly, hubby is not here so he missed it. But when he comes home you can be sure that he will be doing his best to feel her little kicks.

Monday, May 10, 2010

24 WEEKS!!!!!!!!

Today begins week 24 for me! I am now 6 months!! Holy cow, where has the time gone?!?!? It really is speeding by. We are so excited to reach this milestone. The first one was 12 weeks. Then it was 20 weeks for the anatomy scan and find out the gender. Now we have reached viability. Each step brings us closer to meeting out little one.

Tomorrow I have my 1 hour glucose screening. Praying that I pass!! I have done well with not eating sugars, breads and pastas and I have no symptoms so I am hopeful that I do not have gestational diabetes.

I was reading today on the size and development of the baby as well as the changes going on in my body. I read that my uterus is the size of the soccer ball. A soccer ball?!?! Really?? So, since I do not look pregnant that means that something the size of a soccer ball could fit into my stomach and still not make a difference. Nice to know my belly is so accommodating!!! I am hoping that the next few weeks brings my D belly!!! =D

Bawk!! Bawk~bawk~bawk~bawk!!!

Yes, I am a chicken. I totally chickened out yesterday at church. I did attend last night but when they asked for the mothers to stand I jut couldn't bring myself to do it. My assistant pastor in his wife, who never had children, were sitting in front of us and encouraged me to stand but I just couldn't do it. He told the usher that I was being lazy and to give me a gift. I don't know why it was so difficult for me to just stand. A friend of mine was supposed to be there and she and her husband recently found out that they have fertility issues. I was so conscious of that fact that if I stand she would be sitting in the pew....unable to stand. I just couldn't do that to her. She ended up not attending last night, but I was afraid that she would come in during the recognition that I still couldn't do it. Ahhh, the hormones!!!

Thank you all so much for you support during this! I am sorry that I was not able to take the great advice and to stand. Next year I will stand proudly and accept my place in life as a mother. But this year I am still processing the changes and learning how to be this new person.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

I have been robbed!

No, not literally. Just emotionally. Infertility has robbed me of the joy of Mother's Day and I am not happy about it! We got married in the summer and knew by the next May that something was wrong so I have not had a "good" Mother's Day in 11 years. I have tried focusing on my mom, and while I love her to pieces, she is not very supportive and it is difficult to spend the day with her. This year I informed her that hubby bought me a ticket to the musical Wicked for MD and her response was "Why? You are not a mother till next year." I asked what she thought I was carrying around in here, a monkey?? No, a baby so that makes me a mother!

Even though I am a mom I don't have a baby yet therefore I don't feel like a mom. For the first year or two of infertility I sat in the pew at church on MD and was able to hold back the tears. The next few years I sat there with tears streaming down my face, eyes averted, praying it would end soon. The last 5+ years I have skipped church altogether. Now this year I have no excuse and need to attend. The morning service is a breeze as I help in Jr Church. But the evening service has me rattled. Do I stand when they recognize mothers? Do I sit it out this year? My pastor calls me "Momma" all the time, so I assume that I am considered a mother this year. But what if I look stupid standing? I know that I will feel self conscious about it and I hate that! And hubby will be out of town so no support there. I may skip tomorrow night to avoid the issue.

Another thing causing me anxiety is that regardless of whether I stand or not I will still have a baby this year, God willing. But what about those still waiting? My heart is heavy for those still hurting. Infertility is such a thief! I hate that so many women will mourn tomorrow. I have so much to be thankful for and I need to realize that and focus on the positive while taking time out to remember my infertile sisters in prayer.

If you are still waiting, please know that you are on my heart and I am praying for you!!!!

Friday, May 7, 2010

Hormones in over drive!

The first week after my FET I was a bit hormonal. Okay, okay, I was a raving lunatic! One day I was getting chicken out for dinner and hubby made a comment that he really wasn't in the mood for chicken. What does a sane woman do? She puts it back and asks what he would like for dinner. What does a crazy woman do? She throws it back in the freezer, cries and yells at him for being stupid. All of this in front of two young men from church. Yeah, it was bad! But since then I really haven't had any issues.

Recently I have been noticing some hormonal changes. I am easily brought to tears, though I do not actually cry. And I am clingy! I hate for hubby to be away from me. And if you knew me IRL you would know that this is so not me! I am very independent and actually enjoy alone time. This is good because hubby travels a lot for work so I am home alone often. But right now I want to ask him to stay home. And sit here with me. And watch sappy movies that make me cry. I am a mess!!!

Today hubby was doing an assembly in a local public school (he does drug, alcohol and crime prevention assemblies) and I went with him. I was sitting there, so proud of him. Then some skinny girl passed me and while I assume by her actions that she was a teacher, she still looked like a kid to me. And she has this huge, adorable baby bump. She is probably about as far along as me and looks adorable with her rounded belly. And I just look fat. More hormones!!! I will be six months on Monday and you can't even tell that I am pregnant. If I could do it all over again I would have worked my butt off (literally) and lost this weight before I got pregnant. But it is too late now.

And my appetite is HUGE! I have not eaten much at all this whole pregnancy. Some days I have to force myself to eat. Now I can't get full. And of course I don't want healthy foods. Fried chicken sandwiches. YUM! Sweet tea! Fried apple pis. mmmmm I can hear myself getting fatter!!! LOL I dread stepping on the scale next week.

Other than my hormonal roller coaster all is great!!!! It is crazy though how none of this surfaced for the first 6 months and it is now hitting me all at once. Please pray for hubby as he might run away from home!!! ;-)

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Baby Shower is Planned!

My mom, sister and best friend came over this week to plan out my baby shower. It is officially set for July 10th. I am going to be sooo tired that day as I am going to see the musical Wicked on Friday night and won't be home till late. But it will still be so much fun! And the ticket to Wicked is my first Mother's Day gift!! Yay me!!!

So anyway, back to the shower. I will be having two of them: a friends and family one and a church one. It was really hard not to plan it myself. I am a bit of a control freak. Okay, not really a bit, but a whole lot of a control freak!! But my family and friend will do a fantastic job. I don't have a theme as I am not theme kind of gal, but we are doing everything in the colors of Maddie's room: pink, yellow and green.

I am registered at Babies R Us and Target. I really do not have a lot of items on my list as I have most of everything. I have 40 items on one and 35 on the other and many of them are the same. Several are diapers. You can never have too many of those!! I have a few big items on there but will try to get some of them before the shower as I don't want to have to rush out and buy them at the last minute if I do not get them at the shower. Thank God for Craigslist and yard sales!!! There are just so many great deals to be found!

I had a great blessing this week. I recently reconnected with an old friend and her sisters after 15 years. We are now friends on Facebook and one of the sisters contacted me and told me that she had some maternity clothes that she was getting ready to donate to Goodwill but I could have them if I want them. Plus size clothes can be sooooo hard to find so I was really pleased about this! And I was even more pleased when I picked them up as much of it still had tags on it! And it was all so cute!! What a blessing!!!

Monday, May 3, 2010

Some random cuteness

Here are a few pics of things that I have purchased for Maddie.

The cutest pair of shoes!!!


Onsie with matching hat:


Diaper stacker:


This shelf and baskets I had but I added some ribbon to it. It now matches the bedding set.


I just received the valance yesterday and I have to order the mobile. That is the last of the matching stuff for her room that I plan on ordering. I need to choose some fabric for the rocker that is in there so that I can have the cushions recovered so that they match. This week I plan on buying the letters for her wall and will be hand painting them to match her room decor. I still need a few pictures for the wall, but other than that her room is finished!!!

This week I will be getting together with my best friend and my sister to plan the friends and family baby shower. I can't believe that it is already time to do that!!! So exciting!!!!

Last night it dawned on me....I am in love with this little one! After 11 years of sadness and disappointment it took me some time to even believe that this was even real. Then at 8 weeks we thought that we would lose her. After that my heart was unwilling to feel any emotion for this baby. But now that has changed and I honestly love her. It is a wonderful feeling!! Scary too, though. But lovely just the same.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Good Day. Good Day.

I am an avid yard sale-er. I love, love, love a bargain!!! If I could make a profession out of shopping, I would! Today I hit the sales with my mom and sister and found some great deals. I got a few crib sheets and changing pad covers, all like new. And a few outfits for Maddie that were in excellent condition and oh, so cute! I will have to post some pics once they are washed. But my find of the day was a brand new, in the box, that retails over $100 new for....drum roll please......$25! I really want to try to nurse and this will come in handy.

In other good news, I had my repeat anatomy scan yesterday. There were a few things that they could not see 4 weeks ago. I am happy to report that everything looks perfect!!! The bad news was that my pics were horrible, as usual. I am assuming that it is a combination of an anterior placenta as well as extra padding in the midsection. BUT, I return in 7 weeks for another ultrasound so I am hopeful that I will get better pics of baby Maddie.

And on a last good note: Today someone asked me when the baby was due!!! That means that I am finally starting to look pregnant! Its about time!!