Our journey through infertility, failed adoptions and now parenthood through the miracle of embryo adoption/donation.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Look what I received!!!

One of my faithful followers sent me a gift this week. She is a friend that I have yet to meet in person, but hope to be able to some day. She has been a tremendous source of support and encouragement through our FET and everything pregnancy related. She sent me a "Happy 2nd Trimester" gift and I must say that I cried and cried when I opened it! Here is a pic of the gift:


Marisa, thank you so very much!!! I promise to take photos of our little one wearing these bibs and hat so that you can see them in action.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Misadventures in Maternity

Right now I am in that in between stage of pregnancy. Not quite showing but pooching out and my clothing is getting tight. Yesterday I decided to wear a maternity skirt. I went to the mall with my sister. She wanted to get my niece's ear's pierced and somehow I was the big, bad meanie that had to hold her during the tortuous event. Though as much as I hated it she sure does look cute!!! Once that was finished my sister went to pay and I went out to the main mall area, holding my niece and feeding her a bottle. While holding her 17 pound chubby self I felt something....odd. Because I am chubby I wear a pair of shorts made out of slip material to reduce friction from my thighs rubbing together. Because of this I can't always tell when my skirt shifts or slips. The next thing I know my skirt is around my knees. And my hands are full. And I am standing there bearing my bum to the whole mall. I shift the baby to one arm and with the other hand grab my skirt, frantically trying to pull it up while waddling into the store to hide from prying eyes. I yell for my sister to take the baby and she is laughing so hard she can barely take her. Finally I get it pulled up and with my head down, shame coloring my face, I hurry out of the mall. I can never show my face there again! Well, maybe I can since I doubt that it was my face that they would remember!!! ;-)

Monday, February 22, 2010

1st trimester screening results

Last week we went in for our 1st trimester screening. For those of you unfamiliar with this testing it includes a blood test for Trisomy 13 & 18 as well as Down's Syndrome and an ultrasound to check the fluid in the back of the neck. Increased fluid can indicate a neural defect. The ultrasound results were great! Today we received the results of the blood tests. According to the age of the embryo donor the chances of the baby having Trisomy 13 or 18 was 1 in 1000. The blood tests said that the risks were now 1 in 10,000. Very good results!!!! The Down's results was not as good, though. For the age of the donor the risks should be 1 in 900. The blood test showed that we are at an increased risk of 1 in 400, or about .25%. Still not a high risk, but higher than we had hoped.

While on the phone with the genetic counselor she asked if we had any questions and I told her no. Regardless of the results I will carry this baby to term and love him or her with all of my heart. After I hung up I began to think about the results and I must say that is bothered me a bit. No one wants to hear that anything could possibly be wrong with their baby. Considering that it would not change the outcome, why then would we consider further testing? Well, here is why: I like to be prepared. If our baby is going to have special needs I am not equipped to handle them. But I can learn. And if I know now I can grieve now and then begin preparing for the baby. I could set up a support system and join a support group. We were leaning towards further testing.

The results of this particular test are not conclusive and the only way to know for sure is to have further testing done, either an amnio or CVS. So my hubby and I discussed the pros and cons of further testing. There is no way that I would undergo and amnio as the risk for miscarraige is too high. I had always heard that CVS has less of a risk so we were leaning towards that one. Then I searched the internet (what did we do before the world wide web???) and found on several sites that the risks are the same for the amnio as well as CVS. Both carry about a 1 in 400 chance of miscarriage. I could live with having a child with Down's Syndrome, but I could not live with my myself doing something to cause a miscarriage.

So at this time we are resting in Him. There is nothing that we can do to change anything. Yes, I would still like to be prepared. And yes, I hate wondering about the unknown. But He knows exactly what is going to happen. There are no surprises with God. If He will includes us having a baby with Down's Syndrome then that is what we will have. His will is perfect and we trust Him to do what is best.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

In the "club"

I have been on the infertility road for 11 years. During that time I found myself on the outside looking in. I always felt left out on the mommy talk. They have their own universal language that might has well been gibberish to me. Actually, I understood much of what they were saying, but my responses were largely ignored. I have always loved children and began babysitting at the age of eleven. I worked church nursery and after a semester of college I worked in a daycare for several years and then did childcare in my home. I have always been around children and though in no way an expert, I do know a thing or two about a thing or two. Yet if I piped up and commented during a mommy discussion they looked at me as though I had grown a second head. As though the day you give birth you are given a knowledge that no one else possesses. I realize that I have not raised a child, day in and day out, but I am not a complete idiot. I hated that feeling of always being on the outside of the "mommy club" and looked forward to the day that I was a part of it.

Now that I am pregnant I find that women that have never spoken two words to my infertile self now want to include me in their conversations. And that "club" that I so wanted to be a part of no longer interests me. Yes, I am excited to have this baby, but this baby does not make me important or valuable. I am important because I am me, infertile or fertile, the woman God made me to be. Why am I now able to discuss diapers or formula when I still have done neither? Just because I am going to face these issues means I am now allowed to have an opinion?

Tonight we visited a church and the pastor's wife and I have been friends for a little over a year. I love her to pieces!!! She was my friend before I got pregnant and has been extremely supportive in spite of her very fertile self. She has never treated me differently and I love her for it. I enjoy discussing mommy things with her because it is not the only subject we discuss. My fertility, or lack thereof, has never been an issue.

I think that I am going to start my own club! All woman that possess sensitivity and compassion are allowed regardless of the state of their fertility. Wanna join??

ILCW ~Welcome~

Here we are, another ICLW. If you are unsure of what that means, click the purple button to the left. For those of you visiting for the first time let me tell you a little bit about myself and this crazy journey called Infertility.

*I have been married 11 years and ttc for all of them.

*Our diagnosis: azoospermia, endometriosis, blocked tube, poor egg quality, and possible PCOS. Really, there isn't much left, is there??

*We have had 2 failed adoptions, one of which we had our daughter for 3 months when we had to let her go.

*We have tried 4 IUI's in the past but without success.

*We began the journey of embryo adoption in July of 2009 and had our first transfer in December of 2009 which resulted in our current pregnancy.

Infertility has been a long, ridiculously crazy journey, one I never signed up for! But in the journey I have learned a lot about myself and faith. I have also met some of the greatest people through the years, those joined by this common bond. Though there are many days that I wish that our common bond was our extreme wealth or that we were incredibly gorgeous people, not infertile, but hey, I love ya all just the same! I look forward to meeting some new people this week! Happy ICLW everyone!

Friday, February 19, 2010

My friend's baby is with Jesus

A few weeks ago I wrote about a forum friend that was having complications with her pregnancy. Here is the whole story: Heavy Heart. Sadly, earlier this week her placenta began to detach and then a day or so ago his heart stopped beating and is now resting in the arms of Jesus. I know that he is in heaven and there is not a better place to reside. But this knowledge does not erase the pain that his parents are feeling at this time. I cannot even begin to imagine what they are going through, though I know that some of you reading this do. My heart is just breaking thinking about their sorrow.

Please be in prayer for this family tomorrow and in the days to come. Tomorrow she has to be induced and will be delivering her little one, knowing that she will not get to see his eyes, feel his breath, hear his cries. Please lift them up in prayer as it will only be by the grace of God that they will survive this tragedy.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Holy cow, there is something in there!

I am 12 weeks along and had I not seen the ultrasound myself I would never believe that I was pregnant. I have little, actually no symptoms. And because I am a bit fluffy (that is a nice way of saying that I am fat) I am not showing. I have a hard time thinking like a pregnant woman and often forget that I am. Well, last night I was laying in bed and rolled over onto my stomach. I never lay on my stomach so it took me a second to notice that something was "off". I rocked back and forth and though "Oh, no! What is that?? Do I have a tumor???" Then it dawned on me....it was my growing uterus!! There really IS something growing in there!! =D

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!!

The town that I live in is within a very large county. The county is so spread apart that different areas feel like entirely different worlds. The northern part (where I live) borders a big city and is the perfect suburb. It is a nice middle class neighborhood with a few scary places (apartment complex and mobile home court) in the older part of town. If you go 15 min south of my town you enter redneck-ville. It is one of the meth capitals in the US as is the next county over. Lovely. The further south you go, the worse it gets. Thirty minutes south you will see a broken down, rusted car without wheels outside of a trailer with wheels intact. A few broken windows and 12 dogs roaming around. Down south there are not many hospitals so anyone in that area comes up near my area for care.

Yesterday my hubby and I were sitting in the waiting room at the perinatal unit. It was a little crowded but not too bad. Finally a few people were called back and we settled in for our 1 hour wait. In comes in a woman. This is were it gets interesting. She had to lived in the southern area I described. She must have!!! As soon as she sign in she gets a phone call. Now most people would answer and either speak quietly and cut it short or step out into the hall. Oh, no! Not her! She is loud and is on there for about 15 minutes. It is about 11 am at this time and she says to the person that called "What are you doing up this early?". Eleven am is early?? Maybe to someone that works 2nd or 3rd shift, but the caller did not. I know. I heard the whole convo, remember. I also learned the following tidbits:

Her boyfriend is a jerk.
Her friend (that she was on the phone with) does crack, but that does not mean that she does crack.
She was on Haldol (an antiphsychotic) but had a bad reaction.
Her mom is a witch (cleaned up for you all :wink: ).
She did not have money for gas and her loser boyfriend wouldn't give her any money.
Her boyfriend is in trouble with work and may lose his job, which she finds funny.
Both she and her friend are on Medicaid.
Her mom thinks that she does crack and other drugs.

My hubby texted a message to me that said "Jerry! Jerry!". I totally cracked up and the lady had the nerve to glare at me, like I was interrupting her conversation. I was never so glad to have her called back for her test!!!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

My cutie patootie!!!


The ultrasound went well today. The bambino was not very cooperative though. He would move when she needed him to be still, and be still when she needed him to move. At one point he turned and was looking up at us, almost like he knew we were there. They were measuring the fluid at his neck and anything less than 2.5 was considered normal. The best they could measure was 1.0 and we were happy with that. The genetic counselor will call with the blood test results in a week for the Down's and Trisomy testing. We are not really worried about any of it though.

I return on April 6th for another 4D ultrasound. This one will be an organ check and make sure that the little guy has everything where it is supposed to be. We will also get to find out if it is a boy bambino or a girl bambino!! That is what I am really excited about! It seems soooooo far away though! But I will survive. I suppose!

I have had several u/s in my OB's office and have been able to see the baby with arms and legs moving around. This was the first time that hubby has gotten to see more than a blog though and he was delighted! We also got to hear the heartbeat for the first time as well. Just an amazing experience!

Monday, February 15, 2010

Hello Second Trimester! Nice to meet you!

Today officially starts my second trimester!!! **happy dance** I am so excited for many reasons. First, the risk of miscarriage is reduced. Gotta love that! And second, NO MORE MEDS!!!! I began to wean myself last week and an completely finished. I am so excited you would think that it was Christmas!

I spoke to my doctor last week about feeling blue. He told me that the stress of getting pregnant and staying pregnant has probably caused part of it, but mostly from the PIO shots. I forgot that the progesterone suppositories do not cause many side effects. So when I began the PIO (which does cause side effects) I really felt it. Now that it is out of my system I am doing much better now. While at the appointment last Thursday I got to see the little peanut again. The doctor wanted to make sure that quitting the PIO shots did not cause any problems with the little one and thankfully all was well. He was a movin' and a groovin'! The doctor even asked if I had just eaten. I hadn't so he is just active.

I go in tomorrow for the 12 week testing and scan. This tests for Down's and Trisomy 18 and not sure what else. My doctor orders the test as a standard practice. We were considering not doing it but decided to go ahead and have the testing done. The results will not make a difference in whether we carry the baby to term as I would never abort. EVER! But if there is a major genetic issue I think that I would rather know. Down's doesn't scare me as I have heard that there is a large margin of error in that test. But the other ones, I would like to know. Especially if, God forbid, the baby will not make it after birth. It will change how I prepare for him. I could not handle having a nursery ready to go only to have my baby not come home with me. I know that this may sound morbid, but when you have been trying for so long and so many things have gone wrong it is difficult not to think the worst. We are praying that all is well tomorrow though and ask that you join us in that prayer.

Another thing about the scan tomorrow.....we get a 4D ultrasound! I can't wait to see him/her. I am really hoping that we might get an idea of gender. I know that it is not definitive this early, but if there are boy parts we may be able to tell now. I will post pics tomorrow!!!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Pregnancy Blues

I have debated whether or not to post this as it is very personal, but if just one woman reads it and finds that they are not alone then it will be worth it. We started this journey 11 years ago. In those 11 years I have dreamed of many things: how I would tell my hubby, where I would register, how I would decorate the nursery, what I would name the baby, etc. I was going to glow from the moment of conception. I would have a beautiful baby bump. I would not stop smiling. Life would be perfect. I think that everyone that plans a pregnancy thinks this way, but when you have 11 years to fantasize about it it really grows in proportions. You think that since you have waited so long, suffered so long, that you will be the best pregnant woman ever! And those around you expect it of you as well. You are to embrace your morning sickness and swollen ankles. You are to smile through your fatigue and laugh about your mood swings. For some reason we (infertiles) have lost the right to be less than perfect.

I think that part of this stems from the insecurities of infertility. We ourselves wonder what we ever did wrong, why God would not bless us with a child. Other people (the insensitive ones) may have even pointed out to you that there must be a sin in your life preventing you from conceiving. Or that you are doing it wrong, or not trying hard enough. All accusations pointing fingers at your imperfections. Now that you are pregnant you must rise above all others and be perfect. If not, then the finger pointing begins again. Maybe "they" were right, that God had a reason not to give you a child since you don't look happy everyday now that you are pregnant. Whether anyone thinks that or not is irrelevant. Infertility has left scars and getting pregnant does not erase them. You assume that other people are judging you. They did before you were pregnant, why not after, right?

Since getting pregnant I have been very unhappy. Oh, the first week or two euphoria carried me through. But since then a sort of depression has settled in. I am still happy about the pregnancy, but I am sad about everything else. Yes, I know that pregnancy hormones are to blame. And no, I am not wanting to harm myself or my child. My hubby, maybe!!! j/k But I am sad about life in general. If I was further along I would just "do" something to help me get over it. I would start preparing things for the baby, start buying items for him. But I do not know the gender and I want to wait until I do to start buying stuff. So instead of being proactive I sit here and do nothing. Classic depression. And to top it off, I am mean. Very mean!!! I don't mean to be this way, it just comes out. I am so irritable! Just ask...well, everyone! People hide from me and I don't blame them!

I know that, as an infertile, I have put too much pressure on myself for perfection. I also do not know how to let that go. The scars go too deep. I know that things will change along the way and that I need to relax and I am trying. So if you are out there and pregnant after infertility and life is not all roses, know that you are not alone.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

So what does this make me? PI or SI?

A forum friend that has a beautiful baby boy through the miracle of embryo adoption recently asked the question: Where do we fit in? Are we considered to have primary infertility? Or secondary infertility?

Primary infertility is a term used to describe a couple that has never been able to conceive a pregnancy after a minimum of 1 year of attempting to do so through unprotected intercourse.

Secondary infertility, it generally remains an unacknowledged and invisible condition. Secondary infertility is defined as the inability to become pregnant, or to carry a pregnancy to term, following the birth of one or more biological children.

This question gave me pause as I had no idea how to answer her. I am carrying a child, but it is not my child biologically. Since I can't conceive a biological child then maybe I am considered to still have primary infertility. But yet, I AM carrying a baby, so maybe secondary is more where my I fit in now. I guess that it really doesn't matter, it is just a title. In the end I will bring home a baby that I will love as my own. Though I will admit that embryo adoption does bring its own set of questions and emotions that many of us never realize until we are in the process.

In the beginning I was so excited to just be pregnant. And I still am. Very excited! But I was watching my 4 month old niece the other day and cracking up over her facial expressions and how she is a miniature of her father. There is not denying his paternity! Now had I not seen her head pop out of my sister's lady bits I would doubt that my sister was even related to the kid!! But this made me think about the fact that our baby will not have genetic links to us. I won't look down at our sleeping child's angelic face and see my hubby's brows or my nose. I will admit, it made me a little sad. We all want to see a part of ourselves carried on in our children.

Then I thought about the important things that we will pass on to our children. We can teach them to have compassion, laugh often, work hard and most importantly to love Jesus. These are the things that will mean something one day. Not what color eyes they have or straight or curly hair. Regardless of the genetic make up of our child we still have the opportunity of leaving behind a legacy with our child. Though I still wonder.......am I considered PI or SI????

another day, another drug

I was supposed to call my OB today for my test results from the hoo0ha swab. No need, they called me. I have a bacterial infection. The nurse said "good call" as we caught it very, very early. At least this super sonic sniffer is good for something!!! Thankfully that is all I have right now, a slight odor. I am very thankful not to have any itching or burning with it and hopefully I won't have any of that since I am being treated so quickly.

So we have added 2 antibiotics to my daily dose of meds. Bleh! The Bactrim is a horse pill and I gag each time I take it. The good thing is that I will be ending most of my other meds this week and will only have the new ones to take. I can't wait for the day when I am pill free!!!

Monday, February 8, 2010

No more PIO!!

So last week I noticed that my hips were itchy. Not too bad, but enough to irritate me at times. By Saturday I noticed that my hips were red and kind of welt-y looking and the itching was getting worse. I googled rashes and PIO (what did we do before google??) and I assumed that it was an allergic reaction to the sesame oil. So I called my OB's exchange and the on call doctor called me back. The nicest man, but I was not confident in his assurances that all was fine. I did continue my PIO injections and called my OB this morning. His nurse called back and told me to come in. ASAP. Great!!

So he examines me and is unsure if it is from the PIO or if I have a staph infection. I am to quit the PIO immediately (yay!) and switch back to the suppositories. I am on an antibiotic in case there is an infection. I have to return on Thursday for him to double check things.

This part is TMI, so please feel free to skip....
While there I had him check the hoo-ha. Since about the 3rd week of pregnancy I have had asparagus smelling urine but no other odors. Until now. I know that odors can be normal, but being that very few things seem to go right in my quest to have a baby, I am afraid that my new scent is not in the normal range. He did a culture and I will hear back about that tomorrow.

So as it stands: I have a possible allergic reaction/staph infection--treated by antibiotics--which will give me a yeast infection--while waiting to hear back if I already have an infection. And the fun never ends!!! The good news is that I now just 4 days from stopping my meds. WOOT!

Friday, February 5, 2010

It's a conspiracy, I tell ya!

The Hershey Company is out to get me. I don't know why they have it out for me, but they do. I am a chubby chick and I love me some chocolate! Since I got pregnant I have really not had an affinity for the sugary sweet goodness though. Which is good cause my doc told me to "maintain you weight". That is the last time I go to a skinny doc! The chubby ones feel too guilty over their self indulgence to reprimand me!

So anyway, I was pleased that I did not like chocolate and have avoided it for the past 8 weeks. I was feeling quite proud that though I have not lost weight I have also not gained any either. **pats self on back** But just when I feel my head expand with pride I pass my Kryptonite. Cadbury Mini Eggs. **cue the heavenly choir** Walking through Target I saw the purple bag. It beckoned to me. I didn't even see it coming, my hand just reached out and the bag floated to me. And I ate one. Or two. Okay, half the bag. And I liked them. Oh, who am I kidding. I loved them!!!

I was surprised that they were even out in stores yet. They are Easter candy and usually come out after Valentine's Day. But this year Hershey decided to bring them out early. Why??? Was it just to torment me?? My poor baby will have to go into chocolate detox after he is born!!!

I have been nominated!!

Muchas Gracias, The. Mrs. for nominating be for a blogger award! I have never received a blogger award and I am honored!

So now I must tell 7 interesting facts about myself. Hmmm...this might be hard as I am quite boring!!

1. I was a complete nerd in school. Really, I was!

2. My hubby and I got married a year to the day that we met.

3. Several years ago my hubby and I gave up our apartment and bought a motor home. We traveled together (he is an evangelist) and while driving down the road it caught fire. A week later we took a truck to salvage all of our stuff and that truck caught fire as well. Seriously, I am not making this up!!!

4. I am a member of a Christian infertility forum and I have over 15,000 posts. I like to hear myself talk! ;-)

5. I worked telemarketing for 4 months while in college and I now hate the phone. I mean really hate talking on the phone!!

6. I have a phobia of light bulbs. And bulb ornaments. I squeeze them till they break. It is a compulsion. I need therapy!

7. Ground beef gives me hiccups.

And here is who I am nominating:

1. embieadoptmom- Womb for I more

2. Marisa - Marisa's Day

3. Willow - Write, Baby, Repeat

4. Jen - Jen's Adoption Blessings

5. Rachel - Our Journey, but not our plan

6. Angie - There is Light at the End of this Tunnel

7. Fran - Everyone Else but Me

So here's what you need to do:
Thank the person who nominated you and copy the award in your blog.
Link the person who nominated you for this award.
Share seven interesting things about yourself.
Nominate seven fellow bloggers and add the links to their blogs .

Thursday, February 4, 2010

why don't you just....?

"Why don't you just adopt?"

"Why don't you just do IVF?"

For years I (eleven to be exact) I have heard varying degrees of the same two comments. Always from someone that has never had to deal with infertility. Both of these comments grate on my nerves. I want to scream each and every time that I hear them. Having partially gone through both scenarios (most of the way through adoption and now FET) I have begun to hate these comments even more.

The "just adopt" one bothers me on so many levels. First, there is not "just" about it. There is nothing easy about $20,000+ in fees, home studies, physicals, and forms. After that there is the agency combing through your personal life and history, deciding whether you are parental material or not. They walk through your home, check your credit history, run a background check, and take your fingerprints. Then you wait. And you wait. After that you have the women looking for a family for their child reading your profile, judging your pictures, your fate as a mother in their hands. Once you are chosen you go through the awkwardness of meeting this woman whose child you want to take home. Your heart breaks because you know that in order for your dreams to come true, her life has to be shattered. I am 100% for adoption, but the attitude of "just adopt" is ignorant to say the least.

Now onto the "just do IVF" one. After doing a frozen embryo transfer, which is a lot of work but nowhere near what IVF is, this comment has since gone to the top of my "what I hate to hear" list. Obviously anyone that says this have never, ever done IVF. Ever! In case you are in that camp and do not know, let me shed a little light on it for you. I can only speak from my own experience which is much less than IVF. For months your life is controlled my medications and doctor appointments. You have to miss work and your entire life revolves around this procedure. There are ultrasounds, blood work and appointments. The medications are expensive!! Very expensive! And the shots are not fun. I am currently bruised from my left hip, around my stomach and onto my right hip. I have about a 4 inch space in the middle of my back that is not bruised.

To go somewhere I have to figure how long I will be gone, what meds to take with me, and where I will go to administer the shots. You can't just drop your drawers right there at the dinner table and shoot up! Well, I guess that you could, but you risk being escorted out by security! You have to reorder medications in time for them to arrive before you run out. No running to the local pharmacy for you! You have to keep track of which med on what day and which gauge needle for each medication. Your life is consumed with this! Again, there is nothing"just" about IVF/FET.

Don't get me wrong, I am exceedingly thankful for the technology that has allowed me to get pregnant with this little one. Without IVF there would be no bambino for me. Many couples would remain childless without it. But to say "just do IVF' is like saying to "just go to the moon".

Tuesday, February 2, 2010


Because of my previous spotting my OB has been cautious and wanted me to come in today for an ultrasound. I was originally scheduled for the 11th but since I went in today I will skip that one. So anyway, I had my appointment today and my bambino is doing GREAT! It is amazing how much he has changed in less than 2 weeks! Before he was just a little blobby thing with a heartbeat. Now he has some definition. I saw his little head and his feet kicking. He was squirming around and I loved it! It did my heart good to know that he is fine. Placenta looks great and there were no bleeds. Praise the Lord!!

While there I asked my OB when I can officially stop all of my medication. I was told to stop them when my 2nd trimester starts. Well, that day varies depending on what site you look on or who you ask. So I asked the expert. He said that my last day is....drum roll please.....Feb the 12th!!!! Ten more days!!!! WOOT! I am so stinkin' excited I am can hardly stand it! Last week I ordered enough heparin and PIO to get me through. I have to order another 24 Estrace tablets and THAT IS IT! I am just giddy here! On the 13th I am going to sleep in. No alarm. No shot. Not pills. Ahh.....bliss! The official countdown begins!

Monday, February 1, 2010


I know that for many this is understood, but for me it came as a shock. For so many years I have focused on getting pregnant that I think that I forgot what it meant. I have shopped for baby stuff on 2 separate occasions in the past and neither time was I pregnant. Both times it was for the impending arrival of a baby though, just through adoption. Though neither worked out I think that my mind has associated a baby with adoption, not pregnancy. Since getting pregnant I have thought a lot about pregnancy itself, but not about the baby. The other day it dawned on me that there is a baby in there! There is no turning back now. And it scares me!!! I have wanted this for so long but the reality of it is overwhelming. I am sure that this is normal for all first time moms, though for me it is even more so as I have been trying for so very long. The longer that I have tried the less that I believed that it would actually happen. Now that it has I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around it all. There is going to be a little person completely dependent on me. I can no longer grab my purse and run to the store. Sleeping in will become a thing of the past. Though excited about these changes they are taking some time to get used to. That must be why God gives us 9 months to adjust!