Our journey through infertility, failed adoptions and now parenthood through the miracle of embryo adoption/donation.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Who is scheduled for a transfer soon??

There are several of us that are planning on having their transfers soon, but wanted to see if there are any others out there so that we can all be praying for one another.

Elizabeth is August 13th.

My tentative date is the week of August 23rd.

Shannon is Sept. 19th.

 Kim September 19.

Baby on Mind is Sept 22nd.

Liz could have a August (?) transfer if the most incompetent clinic of on planet earth gets their act together and ships her embryos. (praying, praying, praying!!!)

Any other bloggers that I have missed? I want to be praying for everyone. Most of us have had a lot of struggles and setbacks and could really use the prayers. I know that I could!!!

Potty Training

Before my parenting journey started I had grand idea. I would be this cross between June Cleaver and Carol Brady. I had 12 years to prepare for this role and I would be the best mom. EVER! I would keep my house immaculate. I would bake cookies and brownies while making a gourmet meal for my family. Laundry would never pile up. My children would hit every milestone on time, if not early. I would be the mom other moms hated yet secretly envied. And then there is my reality. It is nothing like I envisioned. There are days that we have no clean clothes. At least not the clothes we want to wear. Dinner is a $5 pizza from Little C.easers. Maddie used a bottle until she was 16 months. And she is almost 3 and finally is potty trained. I thought that it would never happen!

My beautiful, sweet, princess is stubborn! She has known "how" to use the potty, but wouldn't do it consistently. She would ask for a diaper instead. I was getting frustrated! How hard could this be?!?! She is almost 3 and I am 36. How can I not teach this kid to use the potty?? Other kids are potty trained at 18 months. Many at age two. Then I took a step back and realized that it was not so much that she wouldn't, but that she couldn't. She did not have the bladder control. She would be running and just pee and never stop and notice. She wasn't making the decision to pee, it just happened. So I let it go and last week she asked for big girl panties. And it has been 10 days and she is doing great! No accidents in 3 days!!! It is so nice to be done with diapers!!!! She loved her diapers though.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Cycle starts in 3 weeks!

I am very fortunate that my cycles are regular. I have enough other issues that if I had that too I might scream! So I should start my next period in 3 weeks which means that it will be time to begin our next cycle!!! I am getting excited. I should be in FL around the 20th-23rd of August. I should be home in time for Maddie's birthday. I am not planning her actual party date until after I have a transfer date.

I have everything ready to go for this trip. Well, everything that I can have ready. My sitter is lined up. My credit is waiting for the flight. I will book my hotel once I have a tentative date but will wait until my CD13 scan before booking the flight and rental car. Oh, a question about rental cars. Because I will only have 5-7 days notice to rent the car it will be higher than if I do it sooner. But if I do it before things are set in stone and the cycle is canceled again we will lose that money. We recently received an offer to join AAA and I am considering it. It is a good service to have in general, but the discounts available are an added bonus. Also, we would get a $25 gift card to Hertz rental cars. Any experience with them? Do they tend to be reasonably priced? I am trying to decide if it is worth it or not to get AAA. We do have roadside assistance with our phones so it is not necessary to get AAA but we do not get any discounts for having it. Thoughts??

Also, I may need to purchase Endometrin if anyone has any to sell cheap. I also have two boxes of Crinone that I can trade or sell if anyone is interested. I won't purchase anything until I receive a BFP, but want to know my options.

Monday, July 8, 2013

Needing some closure....maybe

Can I just be honest and share my heart for minute? I am struggling right now. A lot. We actively began trying for baby number two in October. Had the cycle not been canceled and I gotten pregnant I would be due right about now. Maddie would have a sibling and we could close this chapter of our life. But that was not to be. Then we finally did get to have the transfer and it was negative. And then another canceled one. I feel like this past year has completely revolved around all of this. We spent the years 2000-2004 trying to adopt. Then 2005-2009 trying treatments which ultimately worked. And now another year gone. Sacrificed for infertility. I am over it. So very over it all!!! But I am not yet ready to give up.

In the past 6 months 5 women at church gave birth. And three more just announced that they were pregnant. But I am not one of them. I thought that I would have been by now, but I am not. I am the only woman of child bearing age that has not had a child int he past year. And I don't think that I am exaggerating either.

I am finishing up AF for July and in 4 weeks I will begin my estrogen. And then about 3 weeks later I will travel. God has been blessing us financially in that the airline waived the $200 rebooking fee and my last u/s was covered (I had to pay half due to my deductible) and I have a $130 credit to my account. And my next one may be covered which will mean a refund of that credit and no more money due to that clinic. This leaves us with $300 to raise instead of $700. This is great and I see things falling into place. But they fell into place last time too. And it was still a negative. Even after I prayed and begged God to cancel that cycle if I was not going to be pregnant from it. I know there is a reason for it all, I just cannot see or understand it all.

I am ready to have this next cycle done and over with. Either I will be pregnant or I will return to work. If we have the two remaining embryos we will keep them until next year and proceed at that time. Hopefully then I will have a job and an FSA to help pay for the next FET. I want to move forward. I NEED to move forward. I need closure. Yet I don't want to give up either. I have a "Big Sister" shirt for Maddie but it is a size 3T. I had envisioned her wearing it, but she is now in a size 4T and the shirt is too small. I can't help but wonder if that is a sign. And what if this cycle is canceled? Do I take that as a sign? I just wish that there was some sort of guidebook for all of this. A text or something from God to tell me what to do. But there isn't. So until I have clear direction I will press forward. And hopefully 2 pink lines will be my destination.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

the day I was diagnosed

Today I read a blog post from Liz over at Wishing on a Snowflake (great post btw! you should read it) and she asked:

I'd like to hear stories about how you were handed your diagnosis, whatever it might be, if you're willing to share. Was it in person? Over the phone? Obviously no one ever wants to get an IF diagnosis, but were you at least okay with how it was approached?

I decided to post my story here. For me it has been over 14 years ago for part of our diagnosis and then 8 years ago for the rest so it is a bit hazy now. It just feels like I have been infertile forever.

In 1999, after we had been married about a year, I made an appointment with an ob/gyn. We had been trying for about 8 months at that point but I had had severe menstrual cramps since I was 16 and had always worried about having endometriosis. The dr was quick to schedule a lap and while in there he said that I was fine (I struggle with this as the pain continued to increase and later I was diagnosed with stage 3 endo, but I can't change this part). While I was in recovery he had hubby give a sample and a few days later we got a call saying that his counts were low and we needed to see a urologist. His next sample was better but still super low. It was 250,000 the first time and 2.5 million the next. And his morphology and motility were low. While waiting for the appointment with the urologist I had done some research so I knew that things were not good with counts this low. The urologist pretty much dismissed us. He told hubby to lose weight and have a great day.

At that time we decided to skip all fertility treatment and move onto adoption. We stayed there until 2005 and after 2 failed adoptions we were finished. My heart just couldn't take anymore. We now had insurance coverage for diagnostic testing and I went into high gear wanting answers. I had been having an abdominal pain for over a year and thought it might be something fertility related so my new ob/gyn ordered an u/s to look for cysts. There was one but it was not too bad so we tried bcp's for a month. The pain remained so he scheduled a lap. Having had one I was not worried, thinking that this was would be no big deal. Just go in, remove the cyst, and continue towards IUI or something. But that was not the case. I remember hubby telling me that they couldn't get it all and that it was bad. Bad? What was bad? Did I have cancer? He really didn't understand infertility or endo, but he was sure that it wasn't cancer and I now had to wait for my follow up for answers. The gyn had told me but I was too out of it to remember. During my f/u I learned that my endo was severe and I would need a full in patient surgery. And my right tube was blocked as well.

We scheduled the next surgery and then had further testing for hubby to see if his count was still low.

I remember that call like it was yesterday. My gyn knew that we were dealing with severe MFI and I really don't think that these results would be a shock to us, but they were. His nurse called is to say that there was nothing. No sperm present at all. Not even dead one. None. None?? How is that possible??? And how was I going to tell him? We both were in shock and it wasn't over yet.

My surgery was 3 months later and I lost part of my right ovary that day as well. And my left ovary was adhered to my colon and unable to be removed. It had a cyst encasing it which they did remove, but there was only so much they could do. So we have no sperm, one tube, one functioning ovary, part of another ovary and endo. Fabulous! How do you have a baby like this?

From here we moved to our first RE that told us that IUI with donor sperm was an option. Four other RE's agree that my chances were slightly above nil for it to have worked. We wasted $5000. Our only option was IVF with donor sperm and maybe donor eggs. The REs were afraid that my now 3 surgeries (I am up to 5 now, but 3 at that time) had damaged my ovaries and my quality may not be very good any more and to consider donor eggs. All I kept hearing was cha-ching. More and more money. Around $30k. There was no. freaking. way!

We had resolved ourselves to never having a child when we learned about EA. I cannot tell you how I felt that day. It felt like Christmas and birthdays all rolled into one. We were given hope back. And that hope is sleeping next to me right now laying her feet on me and starting to stir. EA gave me back everything my body had taken from me. And I am forever grateful!

So now it is your turn: I'd like to hear stories about how you were handed your diagnosis, whatever it might be, if you're willing to share. Was it in person? Over the phone? Obviously no one ever wants to get an IF diagnosis, but were you at least okay with how it was approached?

Monday, July 1, 2013

Just twiddling my thumbs

Currently I am in a holding pattern, waiting for July AF to arrive and then leave and then for August AF to arrive so that I can begin my meds. I am about a week from my July one so only about 5 weeks until I start my meds. So not too bad!!

While waiting we are raising the money needed for travel. The good news, actually GREAT news, is that we don't need as much as we thought. The first piece of great news is that the airline will waive the rebooking fee, giving me the entire $350 to apply to another flight. YIPPEE!!! That is a savings of $200. Then, if that wasn't enough, I called the local RE's office to ask if my last u/s could be billed to my insurance since a mass had been found and it was no longer an infertility issue. Previously the woman working in billing refused to even try to bill my insurance because 1) I don't have IF coverage and 2) I am not technically a patient there (just doing monitoring). However, when I called, the new woman in the billing department informed me that the u/s HAD been billed and HAD been paid!!! Insurance covered half of it as I had not met my deductible at that time. So I have a $130 credit on my account there. Also, they will bill my insurance for my next u/s as well. If they pay it all I will get a refund. If not, then I will just owe $130. Either was it is a win-win for us! This leaves us just about $300 to come up with which is not bad at all. I am hoping to have it all here soon.

So all in all things are moving forward and going well.