Our journey through infertility, failed adoptions and now parenthood through the miracle of embryo adoption/donation.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Loving a child that is not genetically related

When we first discovered that we were infertile we decided to adopt. At the time it was an easy decision for us and we knew that we could love a child not biologically related to us (and we did). After 2 failed adoptions we set upon a different path and that was to have our own child, one genetically ours, so that we did not have to risk losing another child. It became very important to me to carry a baby and at that time I assumed that that meant one created from my eggs and hubby's swimmers. I had not yet learned of the miracle of embryo adoption. We tried to have a baby through IUI's and that did not work. So we had to go to Plan B, IVF. Well, Plan B was far out of our price range and we either had to give up or think about adoption again. My heart was still bruised and battered from previous experiences and I was not ready to try that again, nor was I ready to give up my dream of carrying a baby. Then I heard of Embryo Adoption, the best of both worlds! I could not only adopt, but I would be able to carry the baby as well. This meant that once I gave birth the baby was mine and no one could take her away from me. We were anxious to get started!!

We were very fortunate to have success on our first try. Once I was pregnant I began to think about the little miracle that I carried inside of me. What would she look like? What characteristics would she have? Would she have musical talent? Be athletic? Things that all moms-to-be think about, but for me it was different. I could not look at my baby pictures and imagine what my little one might look like. I began to feel some sadness that I would never look into my baby's eyes and see my hubby. She might now have curly hair which both hubby and I have. Then became concerned that maybe I couldn't love her the way that I would a biological child. I was not overly worried, but the thought was there.

Now that Maddie is here I can say with all honesty that none of that matters! Not at all!! She is 100% our baby regardless of what her DNA says. And ironically she has my nose (poor kid!) and looks a lot like hubby. People that know how she was conceived marvel at how much she actually looks like us. And in the morning I lay her in bed next to hubby while I take my shower and when I finish I walk over to pick her up and I will find the two of them laying in the same position, like mirror images. And to top it all off she is a chub chub like us! (again, poor kid!) So for anyone considering this family building option, I can tell you with complete certainty, you will love your little one completely.

Castle Cake

Here is the castle cake. I was really happy with how it turned out, though it is far from perfect. Some of the towers are leaning and the detail work could have been better, but all in all is turned out cute. Now that I have made it and know what I am doing I will be able to do a better job next time. And Mummy In Waiting, most craft stores offer Wilton classes. That is how I got started, though I still have so much to learn!! I am really excited because a friend of mine just moved to the area and she has done cake decorating professionally for years and is willing to help me! I would love to be able to do this professionally one day.

Friday, September 24, 2010

I am such a bad blogger!

I can't believe how bad I have been at blogging! For awhile it was because my little chickadee was not sleeping and my brain was completely mush! Now it is because I am busy. My niece's 1st birthday is Saturday and my sister somehow conned me into making her cake. And not just any cake, but a huge castle cake. Ginormous! It has two layers and tons of towers and turrets. And I am also making an individual one for the birthday girl. It will be adorable when it is finished, but this was a huge undertaking for someone with a demanding newborn. Hopefully once this is finished I can return to regular blogging. But for now....the cake awaits.......

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Hope to have things fixed soon

As you can tell I have a new look! Well, my blog does anyway. Somewhere during the installation of it something happened and now people cannot post comments. I am working on having it fixed and until then I will not post new blog posts. Hopefully it will corrected tomorrow so that I can start posting again for ICLW. Just wanted to let you all know what was up!

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Where do you find support?

This past year I have found a tremendous amount of support within the blogging community. I had resisted the idea of blogging for so long, thinking that it was silly. Now that I have been doing this for a year I have found it not only helpful and supportive, but I have met some pretty terrific fellow bloggers as well. But before I found the blogoshere I was (and still am) active on infertility forums. I am a member of a few, but very active on one. It was my saving grace during some of my darkest valleys. It is Stepping Stones and I highly recommend it to anyone looking for fellow infertiles. Some of the ladies there are my closest friends and I have met many in person. Another forum is Hannahs's Prayer (hannahsprayer.org). I am a member there but not as active. You have to join and post before you can access the forums. (Stepping Stones is public forum with a few private forums within it).

So where do you find your support? Friends and family? Support groups? Church? Blogs? Forums? If you know of a forum or blog that is especially helpful please let us know!! You can never have too much support!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010


Maddie will be three weeks old tomorrow and we are still adjusting to the changes around here. It is amazing how someone so small can change your whole life!! I am healing well from my c-section though my days in the hospital bed have really messed my back up. I went to the chiropractor today and hope that will help some. I am having migraines every few days from it and I am ready for them to be over. Not sleeping isn't helping. Miss Maddie sleeps....during the day. Night time, not so much. And momma is tired!!!

I have found that I love being a mommy, but it is a bit overwhelming. Not the actual parenting and care taking part. But the I-finally-have-a-baby-after-11 years-and-no-one-can-take-her-away-from-me part. Many times it just doesn't seem real to me. Though at 3 am it seems very real to me!!! I still think like an infertile and it is odd for me to talk diapers and sleep schedules. I still cringe while walking past the baby department at Target. Old habits die hard.

I am also missing being pregnant. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that there is no guarantee that I will ever get to do this again. I loved being pregnant and I want another baby in a year or so and it saddens me that it will never be an easy road to get pregnant.

All in all things are going well. If I can get her to sleep at night I will be able to say that things are great!! But until then I will cherish these midnight moments together.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Saturday, September 4, 2010

What a difference a year makes

I just posted photos of Maddie and once I viewed my post I began to weep. I started this blog just over a year ago at a time when I had no hope. No hope of adopting. No hope of ever having a baby. Despair was my constant companion. We had been married 11 years and had tried adoption twice, IUI with donor sperm 4 times and nothing was working out for us. I was sure that we would never have children and my heart was breaking. Just how many heartaches can one person stand? Beginning our journey of embryo adoption terrified me!! All I could think of was more money, more time, more disappointment. In my wildest dreams I never imagined that it would really work! Oh, I hoped that it would. I dreamed that it would. But I honestly never thought that this day would come for us.

Now I look at her, the culmination of years of trying and praying for her, and I weep with thanksgiving and joy. I cannot describe just how full my heart is right now. I know that there are many, many of you still waiting. I know the pain that you are feeling, the grief. Please do not give up hope! It may be months, it may be years, but I pray that each and every one of you receive the desires of your heart.

Some pics of Maddie

Here are a few pics of Miss Maddie. She is not prone to smiling at all. Actually, she looks like quite grumpy!! LOL But really, she is not. She is actually a very happy baby. Just not cooperative. But then again, she was not cooperative the whole pregnancy so why should she start now!


This one she is very unhappy about the ginormous flower on her head!! It really is huge!!

She looks so tiny here.

Visit from the Boobie Fairy

During my pregnancy I was not fortunate enough to have my boobs grow. But once my milk came in, wowzers!!! The Boobie Fairy was quite generous to me!!! I haven't had girls this perky since I was in my early 20's and I must say that I like 'em!! Hubby probably does too, but only from a distance. They may look nice but they hurt! especially now that I am drying up. Yes, you heard it right, I am no longer nursing. Surprisingly this has been very hard on me to quit nursing. I have always been one of those that had never really felt strongly about breast feeding and hoped to try it, but if it didn't work I was okay with that. I do think that it is better for a baby, but that formula is good as well.

In the hospital Maddie latched on perfectly. All of the nurses commented on what a great nurser she was. And I actually loved that time of bonding. Then she developed jaundice and I did not have milk yet. My milk took quite awhile to come in. So we supplemented with formula. While in the hospital I nursed her before every bottle and for the most part she did fine. Then we got home. She began fighting me and pushing me away, making a yucky face any time I tried to nurse. SO I began to pump and bottle feed. This worked for a few days, until I started venturing out of the house and it became a huge inconvenience. Even then I had planned to continue. And then the migraines came. I have had 2 really bad ones in a week and the meds that are safe while nursing are just not cutting it. So I need to go back on the good stuff and breast feeding is a thing of the past.

I thought that I was fine with it, but for the first few days I cried. A lot! But I am better now and Maddie is happy and healthy so that is all that matters. Now I am crying over the pain of drying up. It really hurts!!! But most of all, I will miss the new girls. They really were quite nice!