Our journey through infertility, failed adoptions and now parenthood through the miracle of embryo adoption/donation.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Not sure I like this!

I logged in today to see that my page had the new Blogger layout. I am not sure if I like this or not. Actually, I might like it but I dislike change. Change throws off my groove. But I will get used to it and most likely prefer it over the old layout. This week is NIAW and to be honest, I have done nothing. No posts on FB, no blog posts, nothing. I had planned to at least post something on my FB status and I still might, but life is so crazy right now I haven't put a lot of thought into it. So tell me what you have done and maybe I will borrow (aka steal) your idea. ;-)

Thursday, April 19, 2012

For your viewing pleasure!

Maddie is getting so big! I haven't shared a photo of her in ages so I thought I would do that today.

Here is her Easter photo. There were some really great shots of her but only one or two without her tongue hanging out. Not sure why she feels the need to do that in photos. (It is a pic of a pic so it is a bit blurry)

Uploaded from the Photobucket iPhone App

At Chuck E. Cheese

Uploaded from the Photobucket iPhone App

Here she is throwing a royal fit. She wants to sit IN that little truck and is furious that she won't fit. Normally her tantrums are not funny but this one was. She kept opening the door and trying to gt her foot in it to sit in it and drive. She did this for almost an hour. Crazy, stubborn kid!!

Uploaded from the Photobucket iPhone App

Maddie and her little boyfriend. They are adorable together. They are always kissing each other and holding hands. One day they were passing a baby doll back and forth. I see trouble in our future!!

Uploaded from the Photobucket iPhone App

Uploaded from the Photobucket iPhone App

Uploaded from the Photobucket iPhone App

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Red light! Green light!

I swear that is what my life feels like, a game of Red Light, Green Light. Especially in the infertility department. Here it is in bullet points:

*started ttc: Green light
*testing reveals a lot of problems: Red light
*decided to pursue private domestic adoption: Green light
*first attempt failed: Red light
*began waiting again: Green light
*second attempt an epic fail: Red light
*began ttc again: Green light
*4 failed IUIs: Red light
*pursued EA: Green light
*first contact on Miracles Waiting: Green light
*they changed their mind: Red light
*found a clinic program and had successful pg: Green light
*second attempt at EA: Green light
*first contact through MW: Green light
*no response from donor couple: Red light
*second try with a different donor couple: Green light
*no response from them: Red light
*found a clinic in CA: Green light
*asked if interested in adopting a baby boy: ??????????

Yes, you read that right. We were asked if we were interested in adopting a less than year old baby boy. That is about all I know right now. The mom does not want (how sad) him and family cannot keep him so they are considering their options. Does this sound promising? No, not at all. But I have no idea what God has in mind and we are open to whatever He wants. But seriously, can we just get some directions here?!?!? This up and down, stop and go stuff is getting old. All of the these situations contact us and then they don't work out. I wish that we could get a clear answer on what is going to happen in our lives. I feel like a kid playing a game of Red Light, Green Light waiting for the next color to be called. Ahhhhh!!!!!!!

hubby is home!

Things have been so crazy around here and I just haven't had time to update. Hubby's kidney function began to go back to normal on Saturday and by Monday he was great and ready to come home. It is so great to have him home! Now just to keep him healthy now.

Friday, April 13, 2012

when life hands you lemons

....make lemonade. Or so the saying goes. But sometimes that is not possible. I think that this is one of those times. Back in December dh ended up in the hospital with cellulitis and septicemia. There was a day or two that we were not sure if he was going to survive, but praise God, he did! At this time he found a new primary doctor and went to work on improving his health. He had a ton of tests done and found a few issues that needed attention. He also began to work on losing weight. It took a few months but we finally found Medifast and it worked. He lost 6 pounds the first week! All seemed to be going in the right direction.

Then came Tuesday. It was like deja vu. He was back in the hospital, this time with fevers spiking over 104 degrees WITH Tylenol. It was scary!! This lasted 2 days and then things started to get better. his white blood cell count was going back to normal, his cultures came back normal, his heart rate was normal again. Things looked good, like he could come home today. But then we got news that his kidneys were not functioning at 100%. His creatinine was slightly elevated bt his BUN was still normal. Today his creatinine increased more and his BUN is high now too. They told me what they were concerned about but the name escapes me. Basically they are checking to see if he is in renal failure. They did an ultrasound on his kidneys and we should know more tomorrow.

They have thrown around a few ideas on what is causing this but they are not certain what exactly is going on. There is a chance that the antibiotics caused it but they changed them and it is still increasing. They also mentioned that Medifast might be a problem but he was only on it for 8 days and has been off for 5 days now and I would think that at some point it would have quit going up. So really, we just don't know what is going on.

I will be honest, I am concerned. Very concerned. If he loses function in both kidneys he will end up on dialysis. He will now be a candidate for a transplant with his current weight. If he has kidney issues he will not be able to continue Medifast, the first diet to ever work for him. I am just not ready to lose him and kidney issues are scary. I may be completely overreacting but I can't help it. Maddie needs he daddy. I need my hubby.

Please pray for him. And if you know anything about kidney issues that you could share please feel free to contact me. Also, Maddie and I could use a bit of prayer. She is having a really hard time with all of this. And I am so stressed out right now. Between going to the hospital, caring for 2 kids during the days and not sleeping I am exhausted. I just want him home and healthy.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

sleep training sucks

Really, it does. It is by far the worst part about parenting. I can handle the melt downs and power struggles. I can handle the messes and getting into things. I can handle just about anything except sleep training. If she didn't wake me up 4-5 times when she sleeps with us I would just let it go and let her co-sleep until kindergarten. But this 2 1/2 foot creature is a bed hog. Hubby and I are in no way small people and Maddie takes more space than both of us combined. How is that even possible?

Wednesday night hubby had someone over to discuss business related stuff and the guy stayed too long and Maddie fell asleep before he left. She slept horrible that night. Then Thursday I decided to rock her alone in her room and try to get her good and sleepy before I tried to lay her down. The moment I move to get up she freaks. She arches her back and screams. Ridiculous! After 30 min of this I set her down and got out the tool box. Now, I did not try to disassemble her to look for a loose wire. Promise! I thought about it but I refrained. No, I took her bed apart and converted it to a toddler bed. Then I laid next to her to see if I could get her to lay down that way. And did she? Yeah right! Not my child. At that point I threw my hands up and went to the living room. She climbed up on my lap and went right to sleep. *insert eye roll here* The good news was that when I laid her down there was no crying and she slept in her room all nit. Half of it was with her on the floor but who cares?!?!? It was in her room!!

Last night I did a repeat of holding her to sleep and laying her down and it worked like a charm. Only last night she was up at 2 am. I tried to keep her in her bed but when she started to want down to play I quickly gathered her, her baby, her blankie and her puppy and brought her to bed with us. If she wakes up fully the kid is u for hours.

So now we will try to get her to like her new big girl bed and fall asleep in there. We will work on staying there next. Maybe I should just use some duct tape.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

sleep training night 2: SUCCESS....sort of

So last night was much of the same. I did wait a bit longer to lay her down, until she was good and sleepy; drowsy but awake. The instant I picked her up to take her to bed she arched her back and started crying. I laid her down and shut the door and it got worse. After 3o minutes of pure torture I went in but did not pick her up. I sat next to her bed and tried to calm her down. I offered to hold her hand and lay there but she wanted none of it. She wanted OUT!! I gave it 5 more minutes and I brought her out to the living room again. She fell right to sleep and I laid her down immediately and she stayed asleep. So while this part was not overly successful the next part is: She slept ALL NIGHT LONG! In her OWN bed! Yeah, you read that right. Nine and a half hours of blissful slumber. For her, not me. I woke up 3 times to check on her. But she SLEPT!!

Honestly, rocking her to sleep does not bother me. I actually enjoy it. Probably why she is so spoiled now. If she will sleep all night I could care less how we achieve it. So I count night 2 as a success. Now onto day three!

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

sleep training night one: EPIC FAIL

Since I had all of these years to prepare to be a mom, 12 to be exact, I thought for sure that I would be perfect. Stepford almost, just not so creepy. I was going to breastfeed until at least a year, use cloth diapers, make my own organic baby food, and maybe even solve all of the world's problems in my spare time. I was prepared! Then I had a baby. Maddie started out with jaundice throwing a wrinkle in my nursing plans. I could have still nursed but her numbers were so high we decided to supplement. She then refused to nurse. That coupled with 8 weeks of migraines I gave up.

Now cloth diapering I did so much better. I lasted 13 months with those. High five to me! But making my own baby food? Not so much. But Maddie really didn't care for food until she was 8 or 9 months and I had been given so much food from a friend that there was never any need. So that one does not count. But my biggest challenge was not one that I had even planned for: sleeping. Maddie was a great sleeper at first. But she was jaundiced and it makes then lethargic. That first week was awesome! She slept for 3 hours and we would wake her to eat and then she went right back to sleep. For a tired momma recovering from a c-section it was heaven. Then it was over.

Once she recovered she never slept well again. Hubby and I would take turns but we were always so exhausted. Then at 3 months the ear infections started and things just got worse. Maddie's chronic ear infections caused her to develop even worse sleep habits. To her sleeping meant waking up in pain. It was not every night but I don't think that her tiny brain understood that. She just knew that she did not like how it felt to wake up. We have battled these ear infection for 15 months and now that they seem to be over (crosses fingers, toes, even eyes) we have decided it is time to teach her to not only fall asleep alone but to stay in her bed all night.

Last night was the first night. We started a routine of bath, brush teeth, read books then bed. I let her pick a baby to take with her and she had her blankie and cup of water and we went to her room. She walked to that room like a man on death row going to the chair. It was pitiful. As soon as I hugged her and told her that I loved her she started to scream. And scream. And scream some more. After 30 minutes I went in to comfort her and put her back down. Her whole body quivered and shuddered and she hugged me so tight. I tried to put her back down and the screaming started again. I just couldn't do it. It broke my mommy heart. So I carried her to the living room and held her. She quickly fell asleep but continued to shudder for another 5 minutes. I then laid her down and she woke up and cried but I remained strong and left her. She only cried for 10 minutes, this time without ear piercing screams.

Though not a total loss it was not as I had hoped, yet what I expected. She lasted in her room until 1 am and then cried until I brought her to bed with us. Yes, another bad habit. But one we developed to keep our sanity. The problem with cosleeping with her is that she hates if I move at all and wakes if I do. I move a lot so we both wake up often. I am always so tired and dread night time because of this.

We will try again tonight. Hopefully it will go better. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!