Our journey through infertility, failed adoptions and now parenthood through the miracle of embryo adoption/donation.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Belly, where art thou?

I know, I know. You are all tired of hearing the chubby chick whine and complain about my "B" belly. But unless you are chubby you don't judge me!!! For you skinnies let me try to explain just what a "B" belly is. When you are, ahem, overweight, you might carry your weight in the belly region. Some women have a rounded belly shaped like the letter "D". Others have a big indent in the middle, resulting in a "B" shape. The bigger you get, the worse the B gets. And mine happens to be extra flabby because of a laparotomy (c-section surgery without the baby). The baby is starting to move up and the indent is beginning to fill in. Maybe I should invent some kind of putty for B belly indents!!! Until then I have to disguise my B by wearing the right clothing. I can't wait to for it to fill in and round out. Though I have heard that the bottom flabby part stay flabby. Now doesn't that just bite?!?!?!

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Dear Skinny Fertile Chick,

It was a pleasure meeting you today. I enjoyed seeing all three of your children, all under the age of five. Their screaming and whining was endearing. And your 23 year old body that was back in pre-pregnancy shape was definitely something to be admired. You are an inspiration to those of us that are infertile. Your look of surprise when I informed you that the baby clothes that I was purchasing was for my baby was adorable. I especially wanted to thank you for pointing out that I do not look pregnant. At all. That really made me feel great! I assume that you meant I looked fabulous, not that I just looked fat. At least, that it is that way that I interpreted the remark.

I also want to thank you for taking the time to inform me on how fertile you are. It is amazing that you can get pregnant when your husband just looks at you. WOW! I am impressed!!! And here I thought that at the very least sex was involved. How wrong I was! But now I know better for next time. This tidbit of information will save me thousands of dollars. Maybe I too can become a virtual Pez dispenser and pop put a baby every 18 months.

I look forward to seeing you again so that I can hear you expound on the details of your fertility.

Infertile Myrtle

Monday, April 26, 2010

How did I get here?

As I am now over the halfway point in this pregnancy it seems much more real to me than it did a few months ago. With this reality comes disbelief. I often wonder how I got here. Had you asked me 2 years ago if I truly believed that I would ever have a child I would have answered no. During the first few years of infertility I had a lot of hope that we would one day have a baby. Even through our two failed adoptions I had hope. But after our 4 unsuccessful IUIs, I was left with very little hope or faith. Even after we had decided to pursue embryo adoption I still did not believe that a pregnancy was possible. Then with each new step and open door I began to have a tiny glimmer of hope again. But even with this hope I still did not think that this would be "it" for us. After the 2 pink lines I kept waiting for bad news, something that would rob me of my dreams. Once we knew that all was well I moved from hope to disbelief and even guilt. Why me? Why now? Why not others? So many thoughts go through your head. I had 11 years to grow as an infertile woman but have only 9 months to become a mother. It is a bit overwhelming. But I know that the grace that sustained me through the years of infertility will be present during the years of parenthood. And those years of infertility will make me a better mother and hopefully an inspiration to those still waiting.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

How open are you?

With the start of National Infertility Awareness Week I have been thinking a lot about, well, infertility. I am glad that this week exists, yet I find it sad that infertility is still so unknown and unacknowledged. It is not a new "issue" yet many people are completely clueless that couples actually have trouble conceiving. I think that there are several reasons for this, one being ignorance. And I believe that most ignorance exists because we (infertiles) decline to discuss infertility. I understand how difficult that it can be to share our struggles with people. Once you open up about infertility you open yourself up for criticism, advice and patronizing comments. All of which can be painful. None of us want to hear that we need to relax or pray harder, but we often do from well meaning individuals.

Another reason for the silence is that infertility involves S-E-X. Who wants to share these nitty gritty details? I sure don't! And I don't think that we need to tell the cashier at the grocery store about your latest hoo-ha inspection or your hubby's semen analysis, but we each have many opportunities to educate people on not only the clinical side of infertility but the emotional side as well. Until we do we will constantly be the recipient of idiotic advice.

I am very open about infertility. Very! Sometimes too much! But I am tired of people, especially in our Christian circles, condemning IUI and IVF due to lack of knowledge. So we feel shame over our diagnosis of infertility and now shame over our reproductive choices? How fair is that? I have studied that biblical side of infertility and see no basis for these opinions. And yes, that is what they are though many claim it to be the gospel truth. We alienate those that are hurting and it needs to stop.

Now that I have learned about embryo donation/adoption I am now quick to educate those that are interested about this choice as well. It saddens me that there are so many couples out there that are unaware of this options, both possible recipients and donors. I was on the baby.center.com website and someone posted about disposing of her embryos. She was feeling guilty about wanting to do this and was looking for someone to assuage her guilt. I posted my story of being a recipient of donated embryos and encouraged her to consider this option. I do not know if she will or not, but that one post sparked some conversation. One woman wanted to donate her2 embryos but was under the impression that you could not donate less than 4 at a time. I was quick to tell her of agencies that would take her two precious embryos and she has already contacted them to donate. Another women messaged me to ask me more questions because she was now interested in donating as well.

Infertility has been the hardest trial in my life and I refuse for it to be in vain. I will do everything that I can to inform and educate people about this often silent struggle. I hope that many of you feel this way as well. And for those of you that are still shy about it, maybe this week you can find an opportunity to share your story with someone and maybe help someone else that is struggling or educate someone about infertility.

So how open are you about infertility?

Friday, April 23, 2010

Squishy People

My sister has a 7 month old baby girl, Bella. She is an adorable, little chubby baby. Her legs look like the Michelin man!!! My sister and her hubby are both very thin people and being that I am not everyone thinks that Bella is mine. And why not, I am squishy too. My older niece even said that Bella looks like she could be our baby because she was chubby. This got me to thinking about our baby and what she will look like. Most people are able to look back at their own baby photos and get an idea of what their baby will look like. Bella may not resemble her skinny minnie parents today, but both of there were chubby babies and she looks just like them.

With us we are not able to do this as we used donated embryos. Will Maddie be squishy too?? Or a scrawny little baby? Will she be intellectual? Athletic? Musically inclined? All of the things that we are not? Will people look at us and think "where in the world did that baby come from??". That is all we need, a child too fast for us to catch or too smart to get caught! We average squishy people need an average squishy baby! Not that I don't want her to be smart as I do. How else will she get a scholarship to Harvard? I have my future to think about, you know. I will be old one day and need to be cared for. If she becomes a doctor or a lawyer then she can afford to put me in some fancy shmancy retirement home to be waited on hand and foot. If she flips burgers at McD's then I will be lucky to get a room of my own in her basement one day. So it will be great if Maddie is smart, but not so smart that we look stupid. A biological child would have caused us no worry, but an adopted one? Hmmm.....this could be interesting! ;-)

Thursday, April 22, 2010

I am a WINNER! and other news...........

The PCOS Chick over at His & Hers Infertility hosted a giveaway recently and I won!!!! She is sending out my goodies this week but I received one thing today. I won a pair of Quackbacks. What are quackbacks you ask?? They are the cutest undies you have ever seen! I chose a pair of black boy shorts that has a duckie in a hospital gown that say "No Peep Shows". I got them today and I love them!!! They are even cuter than the picture. And I love that they carry sizes for us chubby chicks!

In other news I completed my baby registries today. I registered at Babies R Us and Target. It was fun to look through the store and imagine that I will actually be using these items one day soon. Thankfully there are not a lot of things that I need. My sister had a baby last September and she is passing along a swing, bathtub, clothing, and many other items. I still need a pack n play, travel system and high chair for my big items and I registered for those. I am going to try to find some of that second hand this summer so that I don't have too many big expensive things to worry about. It is still so unreal to me to actually be purchasing and registering for baby stuff. But I will admit, I love it!!!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

ICLW week!

Hello ladies! It is once again ICLW. If you are not familiar with it just click the link above for more info. Basically it is a time for fellow IF bloggers to unite, regardless of where they are at in their journey.

A little about me:

*I have been married for 12 years (this summer) and it took us 11 years to finally conceive.

*Both my hubby and I have infertility issues, all pretty bad ones too. (azoospermia, endo, blocked tube and mild PCOS)

*After 2 failed adoptions and 4 unsuccessful IUIs we moved onto embryo adoption. I am now currently 21 weeks pregnant with a baby girl.

*Though I am now on the "other side" I still suffer from infertility. It has shaped who I am and I will never truly be "over it".

And some other non-infertility facts:

*I am obsessed with purses!!! Love me some Coach and Dooney. Dream of one day owning a Jimmy Choo, Prada and a Birkin bag.

*I am a chubby chick. Fat and sassy would describe me!

*Finding bargains and sales are a bit of an addiction for me. A poor person's version of crack!

*I have two doggies and one kitty cat and all of them rule the roost.

Reading over this I sound kind of shallow! LOL Really, I am not. Well, not very shallow, just a little bit. Stick around and you will see that at times I can be quite deep and philosophical. But more often than not I just talk about me. Because I can. =D

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Holy Hooters, Batman!

That is what hubby said to me yesterday. Here is this white, squishy body with two ginormous headlights that are now 5 shades darker than normal. There is nothing pink or rosy about them anymore. They are dark brown and I must say, not very attractive. Though I don't care what color they are never all that pretty. And while on the subject, why can't they perk up during pregnancy?? They are slightly larger but still saggy. How fair is that?? I was really hoping to have some big ole bazoombas with this pregnancy but no, not me. Yes, I am a size D and those of you with perky little A's or B's may feel a bit of jealousy reading that I have D's, but with these D's comes belly rolls, cellulite and stretch marks. Big boobs are not helpful when the rest of your body is big too. If my boobs would just stick out more than my belly then I would look more proportioned, maybe slimmer. Or maybe I am living in a fantasy world.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Dreading Mother's Day

I have always dreamt about my very first Mother's Day. I would be all smiles and glowing. I would anticipate it like a kid at Christmas. And now it is almost here and none of those emotions are present. I am actually dreading it. My church has a MD luncheon and on MD the moms stand and receive a gift. All I can think about are those that will not be standing and it breaks my heart. In my church alone there are 5 families that can not/do not have children. And this is in a congregation of less than 250 people. One is in their 70's and another in their 50's and though it saddens me that they never had children both have come to terms with the fact. One couple has only been married 5 months and newly diagnosed. I am sad for them as well, but they are still in denial and it is not bothering them yet. The other two couples are both hurting and that kills me. Neither are open about their struggles and do not discuss it, even though I have tried to offer support. And that is fine. Each person must deal with infertility in the way that they find best. But just because they do not talk about it does not erase the pain that they are feeling.

I would like to do something for these women on Mother's Day. Not only for the ladies attending my church but for two other ones that attend a neighboring church and are on staff of my hubby's ministry. Both of these ladies have had one or more miscarriages and are still ttc. I want them to know that they are loved, prayed for and acknowledged. Yet I do not want to cause them any extra pain.
What are some ideas of what to do for them? Just a card? Maybe a card and candy? And should I mention something to the effect of "even though your babies are in heaven you are still a mother' to the ones that have babies in heaven? And if so, how can I word it? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

B belly....be gone!

I have lamented in the past weeks about my B shaped belly. You skinnies are probably scratching your head right now wondering just what a "B belly" is. Well, let me enlighten you. Chubby women often put weight on in the middle. This weight will either be rounded and resemble the letter D or have a large indent in the middle making it look like the letter B. (this sounds like an episode of Sesame Street...brought to you by the letter B).

When you are not pregnant a B belly is usually preferred as it can be hidden better by clothing. But when you are pregnant you wish for a D shaped belly. A pregnant belly. But alas I have a B belly and I still do not look pregnant. I have put on an inch around my waist and the B is slowly sliding towards a D, but it is not there yet. So I either wear maternity clothes that make me look pudgier or ones that make me look about 8 months along. Not that I mind looking more pregnant but by doing so I open myself up to the "how far along are you?' question and when I answer "5 months" I will inevitably get the "are you having twins?!?!" question. This will cause me to be rude and I try never to be rude. Okay, I try rarely to be rude. Being rude is sometimes fun but it is not nice so I try to avoid it.

So hopefully my B belly will round out very, very soon!!!!

Monday, April 12, 2010

Halfway there!

I am 20 weeks today!! I can't believe that this pregnancy is halfway over. Just amazing! This morning I was laying in bed and hubby and I were talking about it and he began to talk to Maddie. I have felt her move for a few weeks now but nothing like today. Maddie sure loves her daddy! It felt like a hundred butterflies were fluttering around in there. He put his mouth just inches from my belly and the more he talked the more she moved. He then gave her kisses. It was a special moment. A moment that I never thought that we would have together. I am thankful for each and every day of this pregnancy. I am humbled that we are able to experience pregnancy.

Friday, April 9, 2010

TImi & Leslie diaper bags 70% off!

If you like Timi & Leslie diaper bags the site btrendie.com has about 12 of them 70% off!!! The sale lasts 2 days and you have to be a member to view them. If you give me your email address I can send you an invite. The prices range from $50-$75 which is an excellent price for T&L diaper bags!

Thursday, April 8, 2010

A decision has been made!

I finally decided on the bedding set. We chose set number two and I am so happy that we did. I love it! I just washed and ironed it and will put it on the bed tomorrow. I am going to paint my walls a light green to lighten up the room. I can't wait to set it all up. I will post actual pics once it is completed. Thanks for all of the advice! You all are the best!


need some advice on bedding!

Okay, so I have been looking everywhere for bedding. This is no easy task. I have found one that I love from JCPenney's and two used sets on Craigslist. I will break it all down for you and need you all to help me decide what to do.

Set #1:
This set is my favorite so far. I love that it is not super frilly, but am a little concerned that it does not look baby-ish. The downside of it is that the 4 piece set is $250 and each accessory is $50 and up and it can only be purchased online. I doubt that those coming to my shower will purchase any of the accessories as gifts.

Set #2:

This is a 4 piece set on CL that I can get for $25. It is originally retails for $190. I like this set as it is not super frilly, but it does look girly.

Set #3:

This set is also on CL and it includes comforter, bumper pads, sheet, diaper stacker. decorative pillow, lamp with shade, mobile and 2- tab top window valences. They are asking $100 for all of it. I like this set for a few reasons: it is not super frilly, it is unique and it includes many of the accessories already.

So ladies, tell me what you think that I should do! A few things to keep in mind: room has light tan walls and espresso colored furniture. Thnaks!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Baby loves church

You always hear of babies having their days and nights mixed up. I fear that Maddie will be one of those. Rarely do I feel her moving around during the day, but each evening I can count on her to start her acrobatic routine. It seems like 7 pm is her favorite time of the day. I just felt her do a somersault and she is just getting started! And when we are in church...Oh my! Once the preacher starts preaching she starts a movin'! I think that we have a little charismatic baby on our hands! Someone at church told me that all of her kids recognized our pastor's voice once they were born. I thought that was neat and think that Maddie will be the same way. I think it quite appropriate as not only is my hubby a minister and church will be a big part of her life, but our pastor has been extremely supportive. Even taking time out of his busy schedule to pray with us right before our FET.

So I am off to Wednesday evening service and preparing her for to start groovin'!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Ordered my diaper bag!

I am a sucker for designer hand bags. My dream is to own a Prada, a Jimmy Choo and a Birkin bag. Love them all!!! Right now I have to settle for carrying a Coach and a Dooney, but that is okay, I love them too. For years I have dreamt of my diaper bag. I used to want a Fleurville and I still like them. But a few years ago I discovered Timi & Leslie. And I began to covet. They are all so pretty and shiny!!! I want one in every color! So once I saw two pink lines I began searching for the perfect diaper bag.

Today I found it!!! Once I clicked on the image the heavenly choir began to sing. This was THE ONE! And what makes it better is that is one SALE. The original price was ....gulp.....$400. Way out of my price range. But this one was on sale for $107! PLUS I had saved up some Amazon gift cards (thanks Swagbucks!) so I got it for about half that price. So awesome!!!! And I know that you are all wanting to see it, so without further delay..........


Monday, April 5, 2010

Maddie's first outfits

When we found out that we were pregnant I went shopping. I so wanted to buy baby stuff but not knowing the gender made it hard to do so. I did find the cutest baby boy sweater and bought that (cause I was having a boy ya know!) and immediately felt guilty because I didn't buy something for a baby girl. So I found this adorable little onesie for Christmas and decided to get it just in case:


Then the day of the ultrasound I went out and had to buy something for Maddie. I found this little cutie then:

Then today I went to Burlington Coat Factory to browse the clearance Easter dresses and fell in love with this dress. This will be the dress that she wears for her hospital photos.

Shopping for a baby girl is so much fun!!!!

Getting Excited!

I must confess that last week was a bit rough for me. (And for those of you that have a hard time reading posts about pregnancy then I would skip this post. It is one that would have made me angry a year ago) I have always criticized women that were disappointed with the gender of their child. I mean, "how dare you not be happy that you are having a boy instead of a girl?!?! Or vice versa. You should just be grateful that you could have children at all. Do you know how many women want a baby and would be happy with any gender??" This is the diatribe that would be in my head each time I heard of someone that was unhappy with their unborn baby's gender. I was harsh. I was critical. I was right. And now I am one of them. It shames me to admit it.

Not that I didn't want a baby girl. I really, really do!! But I have had a boy planned for almost 5 months. I called the baby "he". I imagined a son. I just hadn't thought of a girl. My intuition was so strong. It wasn't even wishful thinking because in the beginning I really didn't care. But as time went on I felt so strongly that I was carrying a boy. Having a girl has really thrown me for a loop. There are so many reasons that I wanted a boy:

*I am the oldest of 3 children, yet the last to have a baby. Both of my siblings have girls. I wanted a boy to be the first at something.

*My sister and a good friend of mine both have a bunch of baby girl stuff. They are both so kind and want to share. It is all like new, but I want my baby to have her own things, not all hand-me-downs. I want her to be special.

*Little boys love their mommy the mostest.

All of these thoughts are stupid and irrational. I know it so don't judge the crazy, hormonal pregnant woman! I am doing enough of that myself. Since Thursday I have come to realize several things:

*Regardless of gender my baby is special.

*God chose for us to have a girl for a reason. THIS is the child that we are meant to have.

*Little girls are adorable and I am going to have a blast dressing her up and one day getting mani and pedis together.

*And though she will love her daddy the mostest I will still be special to her and she will still love me.

Friday, April 2, 2010

crib bedding....HELP!!!!!

Now that I know we are having a girl I am trying to plan the nursery. Everything, and I mean everything, that I like is boy. I have searched for hours and cannot find a girl set that I like that will match my furniture. The few that I have liked have black in them and my furniture is dark brown.Espresso to be exact. Also, the walls are a tan-ish beige and because we hope to sell before the baby is born (or soon after) I don't want to paint them. I want something that is not too "themed" (butterflies, bears, etc). My niece's nursery is pink and brown and I would prefer something a little different. I like modern and trendy but not gender neutral. I need some help!!! I also don't want to spend $500!! I would like to keep it under $200 if possible. Can anybody hep me?????? I need ideas! Links! To win the lottery so I can hire a designer!

Thursday, April 1, 2010

We are having a baby.........

GIRL! She was quite shy about showing us anything but she finally did. I was not leaving until we knew something!!! I will be honest, I am adjusting to finding that the baby is a girl. I am shocked that my "intuition" (or lack thereof) could have been so wrong. My sister and I went shopping and I kept migrating to boy things. Please don't get me wrong, I love the idea of having a girl, but for 4 months I felt like I was having a boy and have been calling the baby "he". Everything that I have planned has been for a baby boy. I always criticized people that were disappointed in the gender of their baby and now I am one of them. But I am not really disappointed, just needing to plan differently.

On another note, a more important note, the baby looked very healthy. They were not able to see a few things so I go back in 4 weeks. Now if this baby has decided to play an April Fools joke and is really a boy on the next ultrasound someone is going to be grounded!!!! =)

Procreating is not a superpower!

Have you seen the graphic that says "I make babies. What's your superpower?"? **gag** The first time I saw that I threw up a little in my mouth. Why is it that some fertiles feel that way? Oooooh....your ovaries work. And your man has 60 billion sperm. WOW! You really are special! Teach me all you know oh wise one. How do you find time to speak to us mere mortals??

Cockroaches and crack whores do it everyday yet we do not call them superheroes! Let's see what they can do with a low sperm count and mild endometriosis. Now that takes some talent to conceive with issues! Since I am pregnant after having mild PCOS, endometriosis, a blocked tube and NO sperm then I must deserve a super hero named after me!!! Hmmm....who should I be? Barren Girl? Empress Endo? Princess of PCOS??

So to all of you fellow superheroes, what would your name be?