Our journey through infertility, failed adoptions and now parenthood through the miracle of embryo adoption/donation.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Tough weekend

It is only Saturday night but this weekend has been difficult both physically and emotionally. Physically because I have a UTI (possibly from using Crinone.....because I am lucky like that) and the hormonal changes are kicking my butt. I have started my period and with it comes a migraine. And not just any migraine, but the kind that makes you beg for merciful oblivion. Or a shot of demerol in the backside. Anything to make the pain go away. Along with this lovely migraine is cramps. As someone with endo I am not a  novice when it comes to cramps, but post-IVF cramps are a bit different. I have not had much endo pain since having Maddie so maybe this is just normal endo pain and I forgot it, I don't know. What I do know is that I don't like it at all.

The emotional part hit me when my period first started. That first tinge of pink brought finality. There would be no call saying that the lab made a mistake and I really am pregnant. No "where is my period?" and go to the doctor to find out it was a really late implanter and I am indeed pregnant. Did I really think that either of these scenarios would happen? No, not really. But knowing that with my period the embryos were exiting my body meant that this was not a bad dream. It was real. And it was really over.

When you lose a living child people recognize that loss. Everyone does. When you lose a child in the last trimester most people recognize that as well. With a miscarriage not everyone acknowledges that loss though you will find that many do. But when you lose an embryo or two very few people see the that as a "loss". Most infertiles do, but the general population does not. It was not a baby. You were never pregnant. Yet you love these little embryos regardless if they ever had a heartbeat or not. Regardless of their genetic makeup. You love them. And you mourn their loss. I want my babies. I want them here. For some reason losing them in the lab during the thaw did not bother me nearly as much. Yes, I was sad, but I did not grieve. But having them inside of me only to leave hurts my heart.

I wonder if I will meet them in heaven? Will they meet me there? I know that they will be there but will they be waiting for their first parents? Or for me? Or will both of us get the honor of meeting them? I would like to believe that we will all meet one day. The embryos, the family that created their little lives and the ones to release them back to Jesus. But until then I will miss them. I will miss what might have been.

9 comments:

  1. Jess, I can identify with how you feel. That love is so real. You are their mother even though they never lived in the sense that most of the world would accept. I am sending you all the love and hugs in the world. *HUG**

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  2. Two times I have been where you are, and the pain is real and raw. I'm so sorry this is your reality right now. (((hugs)))

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  3. ((HUGS)) you are in my thoughts and prayers!

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  4. Praying for you today Jess. (((hugs)))

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  5. I'm sorry you're having such a tough weekend! It really sucks losing embryos; it IS a real loss, you really were pregnant, those babies really existed. But they now have the joy if going to Jesus without ever living in this fallen world. You are in my prayers today.

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  6. I'm so sorry... I can totally relate to that small part of you that was still thinking about a miracle pregnancy until that pink showed up on the tp.... sending you lots of warm vibes

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  7. We just had a similar experience. The embryos didn't survive the thaw. It's hard to know how to process the loss. But I'm praying for you in your grief.

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  8. I haven't been able to post to you since your cycle results as I had a computer virus... I've been thinking of you and praying for you. I'm so sorry this wasn't the cycle for you. I so wish the outcome had been different. But I like to have faith. So I'm going to keep believing this will happen. And I'm going to keep praying for you. Sending you all my strength.

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