My previous post makes it sound like I am totally at peace with this. And in a way I am. But I am also hurt. And angry. Very, very angry!!! My head may 'know' that there is a reason but heart has yet to catch up. I am angry that one person has to go through so much. And not just me, but so many of us. There is nothing fair about what we all have to go through. Many have loss after loss. Why?? Why does God allow this?
This cycle took us over a year to schedule. I had not one but two possible couples offer to donate to us and just quit responding. No reason. No why. Just quit. Then we finally find this clinic and everything began to move forward. Finally!! Then the first setback: canceled cycle. The we began again and I prayed and prayed. Specifically I prayed that the transfer would not even happen if it wasn't going to work. And against all odds (my lining was thicker than the RE liked and the reason for the first cancellation) the cycle was a go. And everything fell in place. So many small miracles to make it all happen. Why? So it wouldn't work? So that we could throw away almost $5000 that we did not have? So that I could experience the worst anxiety ever?
I may never know the reason why this happened. And eventually my heart and my head will both be at peace. But for now I grieve.
And I thank you all for your love and support. I could not survive this without all of you.
Thoughts coming your way.
ReplyDelete(((Jess)))
ReplyDeleteThinking of you all!! ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteMy heart breaks for you and your hubby as you grieve this...it hurts deeply. I'm so sorry. ((Hugs))
ReplyDeleteMy heart breaks for you, too. There are no words to take the pain away, just prayers that He would hold you so tightly in the midst of your grief once again. Hugs,
ReplyDeleteLaura
Life is certainly not fair. Like you said, we may never know why some of us suffer in this way. I'm comforted to know I am not alone, but also sorry for your pain. We know we serve a good God, who works for the good of those who love Him. May He get the glory in your struggle. Praying for you. Thank you for your honesty.
ReplyDeleteThoughts and prayers are with you.I appreciate your honesty. I have been there too.It's a difficult place to be.May God bless you,comfort you and send blessings your way.I am not sure that these experiences ever go away.Mine are better with time but I haven't forgotten them.
ReplyDeleteThoughts and prayers are with you.I appreciate your honesty. I have been there too.It's a difficult place to be.May God bless you,comfort you and send blessings your way.I am not sure that these experiences ever go away.Mine are better with time but I haven't forgotten them.
ReplyDeleteI always thought if I knew the reason for my failed cycle, I would stop asking why. Now that I've read your post, I realize that there are sooo many "whys" when it comes to IVF. Even though you know the reason your embryos did not implant, you still suffer. I wish none of us had to go through this, and we could get an explanation for all our suffering. I'm sending you a big hug!
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you have to experience this loss. My heart hurts for you. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteAh Jess. O pet, i'm so very very sorry. No, it's not fair. No, it's not easy, it's heartbreaking and it's bruising to the soul and it just hurts in a way that is so close to bereveament there is very little to seperate them. All the hope, all the wishing, the planning, the maybe this time, and then a bump to earth that feels shattering. I am so so sorry you are going through this. I get your totally understandable and justifiable anger. Let it be, cry and shout and scream, vent. And then, when you are ready, take even the second of peace that will come, because you need that peace to heal. There is no timelimit on this pain. I know you'll pray, and be heard and there will be comfort in that, but I have no doubt that the Good Lord has no problem with our anger, he'll soothe it and your heart but it is ok to feel the pain.
ReplyDeleteWith so much love to you and dh.