My previous post makes it sound like I am totally at peace with this. And in a way I am. But I am also hurt. And angry. Very, very angry!!! My head may 'know' that there is a reason but heart has yet to catch up. I am angry that one person has to go through so much. And not just me, but so many of us. There is nothing fair about what we all have to go through. Many have loss after loss. Why?? Why does God allow this?
This cycle took us over a year to schedule. I had not one but two possible couples offer to donate to us and just quit responding. No reason. No why. Just quit. Then we finally find this clinic and everything began to move forward. Finally!! Then the first setback: canceled cycle. The we began again and I prayed and prayed. Specifically I prayed that the transfer would not even happen if it wasn't going to work. And against all odds (my lining was thicker than the RE liked and the reason for the first cancellation) the cycle was a go. And everything fell in place. So many small miracles to make it all happen. Why? So it wouldn't work? So that we could throw away almost $5000 that we did not have? So that I could experience the worst anxiety ever?
I may never know the reason why this happened. And eventually my heart and my head will both be at peace. But for now I grieve.
And I thank you all for your love and support. I could not survive this without all of you.