It is only Saturday night but this weekend has been difficult both physically and emotionally. Physically because I have a UTI (possibly from using Crinone.....because I am lucky like that) and the hormonal changes are kicking my butt. I have started my period and with it comes a migraine. And not just any migraine, but the kind that makes you beg for merciful oblivion. Or a shot of demerol in the backside. Anything to make the pain go away. Along with this lovely migraine is cramps. As someone with endo I am not a novice when it comes to cramps, but post-IVF cramps are a bit different. I have not had much endo pain since having Maddie so maybe this is just normal endo pain and I forgot it, I don't know. What I do know is that I don't like it at all.
The emotional part hit me when my period first started. That first tinge of pink brought finality. There would be no call saying that the lab made a mistake and I really am pregnant. No "where is my period?" and go to the doctor to find out it was a really late implanter and I am indeed pregnant. Did I really think that either of these scenarios would happen? No, not really. But knowing that with my period the embryos were exiting my body meant that this was not a bad dream. It was real. And it was really over.
When you lose a living child people recognize that loss. Everyone does. When you lose a child in the last trimester most people recognize that as well. With a miscarriage not everyone acknowledges that loss though you will find that many do. But when you lose an embryo or two very few people see the that as a "loss". Most infertiles do, but the general population does not. It was not a baby. You were never pregnant. Yet you love these little embryos regardless if they ever had a heartbeat or not. Regardless of their genetic makeup. You love them. And you mourn their loss. I want my babies. I want them here. For some reason losing them in the lab during the thaw did not bother me nearly as much. Yes, I was sad, but I did not grieve. But having them inside of me only to leave hurts my heart.
I wonder if I will meet them in heaven? Will they meet me there? I know that they will be there but will they be waiting for their first parents? Or for me? Or will both of us get the honor of meeting them? I would like to believe that we will all meet one day. The embryos, the family that created their little lives and the ones to release them back to Jesus. But until then I will miss them. I will miss what might have been.