Enter the doubts

We have only ever had 6 times in our marriage that pregnancy has been even a possibility. Just six. The first year of marriage does not count as we were ttc but had no clue that our chances were nil. But after that important tidbit of information was shared with us we have only had 6 actively ttc cycle. Four were IUI with donor sperm and 2 were FETs. It has been 3 years since the last FET and I have forgotten just how crazy the 2WW can be. Or in this case the 10DW (10 day wait). For the IUIs our chances for the first two tries were not great and I expected a negative. The last two I was hopeful. Still nothing. I now remember analyzing every twinge and potential symptom. A cramp? Maybe implantation. Bumped my boobs, did they hurt? My left toe on my right foot itches like crazy. Must google, might be a symptom! I swear that the 2WWs have taken a few years off of my life span.

For my last FET I started POASing in the middle of the day on 5dp5dt. Five minutes later it was negative. Ten minutes later the same. I threw it away, but like any good infertile I dug it out of the trash about 2 hours later. And there it was, a very faint pink line. But it was there. And it could just be an evap line. Yet I have never, ever had an evap line before. Ever! And just because we only had 5 "real" cycles at that point does not that I had not taken 172,463 pregnancy test (give or take a few). Okay, slight exaggeration, but seriously, I was not a novice. So I was now hopeful. The next morning was a negative and there went my hopes. But a different test was positive. And it ended up being true and we were going to have a baby.

This time is so different. I did not get a positive today, 5dp5dt. No faint line even after a few hours. Nothing. My head knows that this is super early. But my heart is doubting. I went back through some texts that I had from 2 years ago between a friend of mine and I. She was in her 10DW after her IVF cycle and she was 8dp5dt and her HPT was negative. I was so encouraging and telling her that it was early, don't worry about it. Don't give up. She did get her positive 2 days later and now has 1 year old twins. Yet I can't help but doubt. I keep thinking that if it were twins that I would certainly get a BFP today. But I 'know' that isn't true.

Can I just say that infertility sucks. And the 2WW/10DW sucks too!!!