some days are harder

I have been doing pretty well with my failed cycle. Life has been so crazy busy that I have had little time to even think about it. But now that hubby is out of the hospital and home and life has resumed it's normal hectic pace it is hitting me. Part of the problem is that I cycled around the same time as several other wonderful EA ladies and all but one has gotten pregnant. I can honestly say that I am 100% thrilled for them and prayed for their success, but I am also hurting for what could have been. I see their due dates on tickers or siggies and I think of what would have been my due date. Had we had twins it would have been the end of September and a singleton in mid October. I see those dates and I think about how far along I would be now. How I would have felt. How we would have told people. Instead I have to keep answering "No, it didn't work. Not this time. Praying next time is a success." and have to watch people's expressions change from hopeful to pitiful. I appreciate the sadness from them though as it says that they not only care but that they acknowledge my loss.

Another thing that bothers me is that I won't have a baby in 2013. That was my year. I knew it was! I also wanted to conceive and have the baby in the same calendar year for insurance and tax reasons, but that is not to be. And I wanted to have the next baby near my 36th birthday, not my 37th. But it is not to be. And of course there are those thoughts of what if it doesn't work next time? Will I be almost 40 when it does? If it does.

Today will be my day of wondering. I will allow myself that. But my tomorrows will be days of planning for the future. I need to get a separate bank account set up for our baby fund. Generally we use our savings and then transfer it as needed. It would be easier to just have an account for it with a debit card. Less hassle. So I will do that this week. Our goal is to have a May transfer but that may change depending on hubby's recovery. Internally he is doing well and the infection is clearing up. His leg is a different story and it will be a long road to recovery. I pray that it is no longer than 2 months, but if it is I cannot travel until he is better. His leg requires care that he is unable to give due to the massive size of the lymphedema. He also starts going to therapy 5x a week now. Please pray for his recovery. And his weight loss. He is trying so hard but with his inability to walk very much (or wear pant any length of time) he is pretty much sedentary right now. He is working with a nutritionist to help with learning what to eat and he hopes for results from that, though they will be slow for now. If our insurance paid for gastric bypass he would have that done, but they do not. He is in this vicious cycle that he cannot get out of due to his leg and he is getting frustrated. Since his infections have started in 2000 he has put on so much weight and it saddens me to see him work so hard with little results. Lymphedema is a horrible, horrible condition that people know so little about. But this is a season in our lives and it too shall pass.