Our journey through infertility, failed adoptions and now parenthood through the miracle of embryo adoption/donation.

Friday, February 15, 2013

loss of innocence

Like any life experience, infertility has both positive and negative affects on our lives. Today I was thinking about one of the things that infertility has robbed me and it is the one thing that I miss most: Innocence. I am no longer the starry-eyed 21 year old excited about making a baby. I used to assume that sex=baby. It did for everyone else that I knew. It did for teenagers. It did for my friends. It did for everyone but me. Then I accepted that and moved onto adoption. That would certainly lead us to a baby, right? Well again that innocence was ripped from me and I learned that it didn't always work out. So onto the wonderful world of modern medicine. THAT was the answer! It worked for my neighbor's brother's wife's cousin so it was a sure thing. And it did not work. But it was not IVF, the creme de le creme of all fertility treatments. The last stop. The 'one". And our FET worked. Innocence restored!

Fast forward a few years and my innocence and I tried again for baby number two. It worked previously so it would work again my innocence told me. Liar! It didn't work and my innocence was torn away yet again. Left in its place was cynicism. I know too much now. I know that adoptions fall through, that treatments don't work and not everyone gets their miracles. And I miss my innocence. I miss thinking that baby making was all unicorns and rainbows.

My innocence was taken without my consent and cynicism was uninvited. So now I must find a new reality, somewhere between the two. Something with a bit of faith a dose of realism. Bad things happen. Not everyone gets their happily ever after. But some do and I will never know if I don't try.


  1. I feel for you on this one. Even though we got our IVF baby (very long road) and then our EA FET baby (luckily on the first try)....I still feel a bit robbed even though I am done with growing babies. Seems silly now that I have my miracles...but it is still true. Hang in there. Rooting that FET#2 is the one.

  2. I know what you mean. When you're exposed to certain types of pain you feel "corrupted" in a way. Just remember your purity comes from Christ alone :) You are still "innocent" before the Lord, even if you feel jaded. Keep praying for joy in the midst of this knowledge that life is not fair. I really struggle with that, too, my friend, and am really trying to be a "positive", less "cynical" person WITH the knowledge that not everything is peaches and cream ;) You can do it. Or rather, Christ can do that IN you!! :)

  3. I was so naive to think that I could simply do a homestudy and a bit of paperwork, and adopt a baby. We got so frustrated with that process we ended up giving up and trying IVF... that also didn't work. Now we are going to try IVF again while saving money for adoption... oh the crazy world of infertility!!!

  4. I never thought it about this in all the ways that you have discussed.I agree with all of them. I know it 's a difficult journey that robs you of all happiness and hope and leaves you in despair alone it seems.You are not alone you have us "the cheerleaders" to cheer you on and to pray for you.I think and pray for you daily.


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