Like any life experience, infertility has both positive and negative affects on our lives. Today I was thinking about one of the things that infertility has robbed me and it is the one thing that I miss most: Innocence. I am no longer the starry-eyed 21 year old excited about making a baby. I used to assume that sex=baby. It did for everyone else that I knew. It did for teenagers. It did for my friends. It did for everyone but me. Then I accepted that and moved onto adoption. That would certainly lead us to a baby, right? Well again that innocence was ripped from me and I learned that it didn't always work out. So onto the wonderful world of modern medicine. THAT was the answer! It worked for my neighbor's brother's wife's cousin so it was a sure thing. And it did not work. But it was not IVF, the creme de le creme of all fertility treatments. The last stop. The 'one". And our FET worked. Innocence restored!
Fast forward a few years and my innocence and I tried again for baby number two. It worked previously so it would work again my innocence told me. Liar! It didn't work and my innocence was torn away yet again. Left in its place was cynicism. I know too much now. I know that adoptions fall through, that treatments don't work and not everyone gets their miracles. And I miss my innocence. I miss thinking that baby making was all unicorns and rainbows.
My innocence was taken without my consent and cynicism was uninvited. So now I must find a new reality, somewhere between the two. Something with a bit of faith a dose of realism. Bad things happen. Not everyone gets their happily ever after. But some do and I will never know if I don't try.