Our journey through infertility, failed adoptions and now parenthood through the miracle of embryo adoption/donation.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

WHY didn't it work?

Anyone that has gone through unsuccessful fertility treatments will ask this question. Whether it is IUIs, IVF or FET you will wonder. What could you have done differently? Was the timing wrong? Did the clinic do everything right? Should I have rested more? Did I pick up something too heavy? I have thought all of these and many more. And my conclusion? It just wasn't meant to be at this time.

My biggest concern (and the question most asked) was about stress. This trip was crazy stressful. And while I believe that stress can be a factor I do not think that it was in this situation. Why? Because the stressful part was over on early Saturday morning, over 24 hours before the transfer. I spent Saturday walking the beach, searching for seashells and eating crab legs on the beach. I was totally calm and relaxed. More than I have ever been (except for a spa day I had once.....that was amazing!). I went into the transfer totally relaxed and ready. The other reason that I don't believe that stress was a factor was that rape victims get pregnant all of the time, as do women in awful, stressful circumstances. Had God wanted me to be pregnant something as minor as stress would not have affected it.

Another big issue is my lining. My last RE never recorded it and RE's vary on what, if anything, they consider too thick. While this does cause me some concern, I don't necessarily believe that it was the problem. So many RE's are of the opinion the thicker the better. On a surrogate forum many of them have crazy thick linings and get pregnant. Though I do not have an issue with my lining thickness this may be a big problem for my RE concerning my next cycle. He may insist it be under 13 and I am not sure how that will be accomplished. I may need a D&C  a month or so prior, I don't know. But that is definitely something that will have to be discussed, I am sure.

I did several things differently this time.

*Acupuncture: I had it done last time but not this time. Maybe it played a part, maybe not. However, I will do it next time just to see if it might help. I actually hate it but will do it anyway.

*Heparin: I used it before (my RE said at one time I should, then said I didn't need it but could if I wanted to so I did). This time the RE saw no reason to do so. I will not use it next time but will do baby aspirin. It can't hurt to try it.

*Eat pineapple: I ate it like crazy last time! I did not this time (I have an aversion to it now because I ate too much before lol) but I will try it again next time.

*Assisted hatching: this is something that my last clinic did standard and that this one did not offer. I will ask about it as an option next time.

The truth is none of us may ever know what went wrong in a failed cycle. Sometimes it just happens. When we look at a clinic's success rates we see that 55-60% and think about how many people got pregnant. But that also means that 40-45% did not. If someone told you that you had a 45% chance of getting electrocuted if you touched a wire you wouldn't do it. It is too high of a risk. But in the world of infertility you focus on the other number, the number of successful cycles. Which we should. But it also means that it might not happen, no matter what we do right.....or wrong. I am now part of that 45%. It happens. It sucks, but it happens.


  1. My prayers are with you, Jess!

    You seem to have a good outlook on this. God didn't intend for a live child to result- it's hard, but His will is so much more incredible than our own! And we can't really know what His will is until it plays out or it gets explained to us in heaven.

  2. I'm so sorry things didn't work out. Infertility is the most frustrating thing I've ever experienced in my life. You are right though - God has a plan, and even though we may not always like it, we have to believe in it.

  3. Amen, girl. I know all those fears/doubts all too well. You're exactly right, it wasn't meant to be. All in God's timing. He must think you are really strong to endure these trials.

  4. This infertility journey definitely has the potential to hinder our faith, as we ask "why" stuff happens. Good for you for being strong and hanging your hat on God as a source of strength.

  5. I have asked myself so many times why transfers don't always result in pregnancies. (And why pregnancies don't always result in babies, but that's another matter.)

    I wish I knew.

  6. It is so hard to deal with a treatment not working. It never made sense to me and I always wondered if I could have done more. It will work and it will all be worth it in the end. Take care!

  7. Jess, I am sorry the answer was "not yet" this time. I am praying for the Lord's provision for you guys as you move forward. I will be praying while you grieve the loss of your children.

    I have to continue to remind myself through all my miscarriages that the Lord sometimes calls us to be mothers for years and other times for such a very short time and sometimes He has us wait to be mothers so much longer than we want. None of the answers are easy to live through. I have grown through it all. I pray that this time will draw you closer to Him as you pause and reflect. Many hugs EA friend!


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