Many things in this world are a fight. Some more than others. When someone fights for a good education, we praise them for their hard work. When someone fights for our freedom, we praise them for their sacrifice. When someone fights for justice, we praise them for their perseverance. But when an infertile fights to have a baby the accolades and praise are few and far between, if they even exist. We are often looked upon as crazy or even going against God's will. Maybe because freedom, justice and education are rarely ever just handed to us whereas a baby is when a couple is fertile. Even dogs, cats, cows and elephants have babies. There is no mystery to it, no struggle involved and can even be fun to create. Unless you are struggling with infertility. Maybe that is why our fight, our struggle is not always recognized.
So why do we do it then? To have what our friends have? To make ourselves feel normal? To have something to complain about? The tax deduction? No, we do it or that first kick. The first smile. The first I love You. We do it because even though our reproductive organs may not work, our heart still does. We have that same primal instinct to procreate as each and every other human and even animal. We fight for chance to feel that unconditional love from a tiny human being, whether from our womb or not. We fight leave a part of ourselves behind in the next generation.
This morning Maddie bumped my head with her head and she said "I sowwy, Mommy." Then she kissed me. THAT is what I fought for. And that is why I continue to fight for another child. It may not happen and there may come a time when the fight is over, but I will know that I gave it my all. And no matter what, it is worth the fight.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Monday, February 25, 2013
Maddie has "bugs"
There is nothing more fun in the world than a 2 year old. They are hilarious!!! Their perception of the world around them is interesting and often funny. The other day she woke up and her hands were asleep. This was new to her and she had no clue what was wrong, just that it felt bad. She started saying "Mommy, it hurs, it hurs. Bugs, mommy! Bugs evweywhere. Call da doctah! Call da doctah!" She thought that bugs were biting her and there was no way to explain it was just tingly and numb and would be fine in a minute. Poor kid! But it was funny!!!
Now she thinks that when something 'hurs' (hurts) that bugs are biting her. Tonight she was taking a bath and her hoonie hurt. Yes, I am one of those parents that use cutesy names for body parts and we call her vagina her hoonie. She told me it was hurting and insisted that I kiss it. Really?? I told her no, that I wasn't kissing it and she laughed and said "Yes, mommy, kiss it." So I kissed my hand and transferred it to her. Crazy kid! Well that didn't take the pain away so she started telling me that there was a bug in there. She got out of the tub and we put some diaper cream on her. She proclaimed the bugs "all gone!" and ran out to tell her daddy that the "hoonie bugs all gone!". Now I just hope that she doesn't ask random strangers if they have "hoonie bugs"!!! Toddlers are crazy!
Now she thinks that when something 'hurs' (hurts) that bugs are biting her. Tonight she was taking a bath and her hoonie hurt. Yes, I am one of those parents that use cutesy names for body parts and we call her vagina her hoonie. She told me it was hurting and insisted that I kiss it. Really?? I told her no, that I wasn't kissing it and she laughed and said "Yes, mommy, kiss it." So I kissed my hand and transferred it to her. Crazy kid! Well that didn't take the pain away so she started telling me that there was a bug in there. She got out of the tub and we put some diaper cream on her. She proclaimed the bugs "all gone!" and ran out to tell her daddy that the "hoonie bugs all gone!". Now I just hope that she doesn't ask random strangers if they have "hoonie bugs"!!! Toddlers are crazy!
some days are harder
I have been doing pretty well with my failed cycle. Life has been so crazy busy that I have had little time to even think about it. But now that hubby is out of the hospital and home and life has resumed it's normal hectic pace it is hitting me. Part of the problem is that I cycled around the same time as several other wonderful EA ladies and all but one has gotten pregnant. I can honestly say that I am 100% thrilled for them and prayed for their success, but I am also hurting for what could have been. I see their due dates on tickers or siggies and I think of what would have been my due date. Had we had twins it would have been the end of September and a singleton in mid October. I see those dates and I think about how far along I would be now. How I would have felt. How we would have told people. Instead I have to keep answering "No, it didn't work. Not this time. Praying next time is a success." and have to watch people's expressions change from hopeful to pitiful. I appreciate the sadness from them though as it says that they not only care but that they acknowledge my loss.
Another thing that bothers me is that I won't have a baby in 2013. That was my year. I knew it was! I also wanted to conceive and have the baby in the same calendar year for insurance and tax reasons, but that is not to be. And I wanted to have the next baby near my 36th birthday, not my 37th. But it is not to be. And of course there are those thoughts of what if it doesn't work next time? Will I be almost 40 when it does? If it does.
Today will be my day of wondering. I will allow myself that. But my tomorrows will be days of planning for the future. I need to get a separate bank account set up for our baby fund. Generally we use our savings and then transfer it as needed. It would be easier to just have an account for it with a debit card. Less hassle. So I will do that this week. Our goal is to have a May transfer but that may change depending on hubby's recovery. Internally he is doing well and the infection is clearing up. His leg is a different story and it will be a long road to recovery. I pray that it is no longer than 2 months, but if it is I cannot travel until he is better. His leg requires care that he is unable to give due to the massive size of the lymphedema. He also starts going to therapy 5x a week now. Please pray for his recovery. And his weight loss. He is trying so hard but with his inability to walk very much (or wear pant any length of time) he is pretty much sedentary right now. He is working with a nutritionist to help with learning what to eat and he hopes for results from that, though they will be slow for now. If our insurance paid for gastric bypass he would have that done, but they do not. He is in this vicious cycle that he cannot get out of due to his leg and he is getting frustrated. Since his infections have started in 2000 he has put on so much weight and it saddens me to see him work so hard with little results. Lymphedema is a horrible, horrible condition that people know so little about. But this is a season in our lives and it too shall pass.
Another thing that bothers me is that I won't have a baby in 2013. That was my year. I knew it was! I also wanted to conceive and have the baby in the same calendar year for insurance and tax reasons, but that is not to be. And I wanted to have the next baby near my 36th birthday, not my 37th. But it is not to be. And of course there are those thoughts of what if it doesn't work next time? Will I be almost 40 when it does? If it does.
Today will be my day of wondering. I will allow myself that. But my tomorrows will be days of planning for the future. I need to get a separate bank account set up for our baby fund. Generally we use our savings and then transfer it as needed. It would be easier to just have an account for it with a debit card. Less hassle. So I will do that this week. Our goal is to have a May transfer but that may change depending on hubby's recovery. Internally he is doing well and the infection is clearing up. His leg is a different story and it will be a long road to recovery. I pray that it is no longer than 2 months, but if it is I cannot travel until he is better. His leg requires care that he is unable to give due to the massive size of the lymphedema. He also starts going to therapy 5x a week now. Please pray for his recovery. And his weight loss. He is trying so hard but with his inability to walk very much (or wear pant any length of time) he is pretty much sedentary right now. He is working with a nutritionist to help with learning what to eat and he hopes for results from that, though they will be slow for now. If our insurance paid for gastric bypass he would have that done, but they do not. He is in this vicious cycle that he cannot get out of due to his leg and he is getting frustrated. Since his infections have started in 2000 he has put on so much weight and it saddens me to see him work so hard with little results. Lymphedema is a horrible, horrible condition that people know so little about. But this is a season in our lives and it too shall pass.
Friday, February 22, 2013
He is coming home!
On Wednesday the dr told us that he would possibly consider letting hubby come home this weekend. Maybe. If you read my last update we were not happy with this at all. Then that night they started him on 2 more antibiotics. This is hubby's 12th round of cellulitis so he has had so many antibiotics. Too many. And he is allergic to 3 of them so we avoid any unnecessary antibiotics. These were given even though his white blood cell count was normal, he was having no trouble with the current med and he had no fever. The dr was still using his ear temp as just cause. So on Thursday I called the insurance company to ask how leaving AMA would affect us and she assured us (and verified with her supervisor) that they would pay the claim no matter what. Whew!
This was a last resort for us as we really wanted him to be discharged by the dr, but since said dr was being unreasonable we needed to know our options. Next I called the patient advocate and explained my concern. She asked what I wanted and I told her two things: A second opinions and for the dr to request hubby's previous records before making a decision. His condition is chronic and there is no reason to redo the previous testing (especially 2-3x) when the results are coming back the same. So she called hubby to see if he, as the patient, agreed. Then she called the dr's supervisor. Not sure what was said but she later called hubby to say that he could not have a second opinion. I don't know if it was because of the snow storm and another dr was not available or what, but I was furious. But before I could call her back the dr came in and said that hubby was doing so well he could go home on Friday. I am irritated that he made us go through all of that, but glad he is releasing him.
To answer Barb's question, we did consider another facility but we would have had to pay $200 (on top of the $1000 we owe here) for them to send him home. He has redness on his leg but nothing else so they would not admit him.
So he will be home this afternoon! YAY!!!! I am so happy to have him home. He will have a few weeks of recovery still but it will be easier at home. Thank you for the prayers and advice!
This was a last resort for us as we really wanted him to be discharged by the dr, but since said dr was being unreasonable we needed to know our options. Next I called the patient advocate and explained my concern. She asked what I wanted and I told her two things: A second opinions and for the dr to request hubby's previous records before making a decision. His condition is chronic and there is no reason to redo the previous testing (especially 2-3x) when the results are coming back the same. So she called hubby to see if he, as the patient, agreed. Then she called the dr's supervisor. Not sure what was said but she later called hubby to say that he could not have a second opinion. I don't know if it was because of the snow storm and another dr was not available or what, but I was furious. But before I could call her back the dr came in and said that hubby was doing so well he could go home on Friday. I am irritated that he made us go through all of that, but glad he is releasing him.
To answer Barb's question, we did consider another facility but we would have had to pay $200 (on top of the $1000 we owe here) for them to send him home. He has redness on his leg but nothing else so they would not admit him.
So he will be home this afternoon! YAY!!!! I am so happy to have him home. He will have a few weeks of recovery still but it will be easier at home. Thank you for the prayers and advice!
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
losing my patience....and my mind!
So hubby is STILL in the hospital (with cellulitis on lymphedema). His white blood cell count is back to normal. The issue is that his doctor is being a total douche. Yes, I called him a douche. It was the nicest mean thing I could think of right now. Hubby was admitted with a fever orally of 99.5 and in the ear of 103.5. Since he had chills, was achy and was hot to the touch the 103 sounded right. Well his wbc is back to normal but the dr is concerned about his 'fever'. Hubby feels fine, is no longer warm and orally is 98.4. The issue is that it is 101 in one ear and 100 in the other. Obviously he does not have a temp but the dr refuses to believe that. Also, lymphedema is a condition that many doctors are not very familiar with. Cellulitis is common and hubby has been battling this for 13 years. He has had 21 bouts of it, seen 3-4 surgeons, had an MRI, u/s and biopsy. It is a really bad case of lymphedema that causes a really bad case of cellulitis. Period. End of story. He has medical records at a different hospital, has an infectious disease dr that is familiar with is case, and is in decongestive therapy specifically designed for lymphedema right there at this hospital. Yet this dr wants to have the mass removed surgically. IT CAN"T BE DONE! Well, it can, but it will remove more lymph nodes thereby making the problems worse. We have explained this and even given him the information and doctors names yet he ignores us. Also, he wants the redness to be gone before he releases him. It takes 2-3 WEEKS before that happens! So he will have to sit there for WEEKS because this dr is a total fruit loop?? I completely get medical malpractice and the dr wanting to cover his butt, but this is ridiculous!
So tomorrow I have to call the insurance company and ask what repercussions there will be, if any, if hubby checks out against medical advice. I am also going to call the previous infectious disease specialist to see if they have privileges at this hospital and is so, can they see him. And I am calling the patient advocate for help as well. If hubby needs to be there, fine. We both want him healthy. But if he is fine to come home, then let him. The earliest the douchy fruit loop dr will consider releasing his is Friday and even then he acted like it was a long shot.
Please pray that we can get some answers and get him home!!
So tomorrow I have to call the insurance company and ask what repercussions there will be, if any, if hubby checks out against medical advice. I am also going to call the previous infectious disease specialist to see if they have privileges at this hospital and is so, can they see him. And I am calling the patient advocate for help as well. If hubby needs to be there, fine. We both want him healthy. But if he is fine to come home, then let him. The earliest the douchy fruit loop dr will consider releasing his is Friday and even then he acted like it was a long shot.
Please pray that we can get some answers and get him home!!
Some good news and some not so good news
Let's get the not so good news out of the way: Hubby is still in the hospital. He was supposed to come home today but his fever spiked again and they are now running more tests and cultures. His white blood cell count is almost back to normal but he needs to be fever free for 24 hours before they release him. I am so ready for him to be home!!
Now the good news: I finally scheduled my post-IVF consult and it is tomorrow. I will discuss with the RE a plan for the next FET. And the really, really, so very good news is that our next FET will only cost.....drum roll please! $1000. Yep, one thousand dollars. This is their normal FET fee for their IVF patients and since we chose a batch of embryos with enough for more than one try we now only pay their regular FET fee. Well, the regular fee is $1400 but only $1000 if you do the monitoring locally. This means that we may be able to do the next FET in April or May.
Next time I will fly there, get a shuttle to the hotel and then a cab to the clinic. So we need to come up with the $1000 cycle fee, $265 for the u/s, about $150-200 for the hotel, $350-400 for the flight and then $100 for cab and food. I plan to stay close to the clinic as to not pay a lot on cab fare. So all in all about $2000. We have about $200 put aside already but have to raise the rest. We will get a little bit back in taxes and we will add that to it as well. I am having a yard sale next month and hope for about $200 from that. The first $100 won't be too hard, but we will need to get creative for the rest. We can put some on a credit card, but we really don't want to be left with any debt once this is over. I would hate to still be paying off our last cycle and not be pregnant. It is not the worst thing in the world, I know, but something we really don't want to do.
So now to get moving and start saving!!! Any and all fundraising ideas are appreciated! :)
Now the good news: I finally scheduled my post-IVF consult and it is tomorrow. I will discuss with the RE a plan for the next FET. And the really, really, so very good news is that our next FET will only cost.....drum roll please! $1000. Yep, one thousand dollars. This is their normal FET fee for their IVF patients and since we chose a batch of embryos with enough for more than one try we now only pay their regular FET fee. Well, the regular fee is $1400 but only $1000 if you do the monitoring locally. This means that we may be able to do the next FET in April or May.
Next time I will fly there, get a shuttle to the hotel and then a cab to the clinic. So we need to come up with the $1000 cycle fee, $265 for the u/s, about $150-200 for the hotel, $350-400 for the flight and then $100 for cab and food. I plan to stay close to the clinic as to not pay a lot on cab fare. So all in all about $2000. We have about $200 put aside already but have to raise the rest. We will get a little bit back in taxes and we will add that to it as well. I am having a yard sale next month and hope for about $200 from that. The first $100 won't be too hard, but we will need to get creative for the rest. We can put some on a credit card, but we really don't want to be left with any debt once this is over. I would hate to still be paying off our last cycle and not be pregnant. It is not the worst thing in the world, I know, but something we really don't want to do.
So now to get moving and start saving!!! Any and all fundraising ideas are appreciated! :)
Monday, February 18, 2013
I am in Job-ville
Okay, so things are not as bad as it was for Job, but we are having a rash of bad luck. On Saturday night I had a much needed girls night out with a friend of mine. Hubby took Maddie over to their house and helped her hubby watch their kids. When my friend and I returned to her house my hubby was covered up and shivering. We thought for sure that he had the yucky, icky, nasty virus that Maddie and I had last week. We went home and he tried to rest. The next morning I went to church and when I returned he asked me to check his leg. He has a very large lymphodema and and has a history of cellulitis on it. The last two times he had it he almost died so it was very scary. When I checked his leg it showed all of the signs of infection so we headed to the ER which is where he is currently. Thankfully is nowhere as sick as he was the last time.
Please pray that he is better soon and can come home. Trying to care for Maddie, watch the 3 girls I babysit and travel back and forth to the hospital is very draining on me. If he can come home it would make it a lot easier for all of us.
Please pray that he is better soon and can come home. Trying to care for Maddie, watch the 3 girls I babysit and travel back and forth to the hospital is very draining on me. If he can come home it would make it a lot easier for all of us.
Friday, February 15, 2013
loss of innocence
Like any life experience, infertility has both positive and negative affects on our lives. Today I was thinking about one of the things that infertility has robbed me and it is the one thing that I miss most: Innocence. I am no longer the starry-eyed 21 year old excited about making a baby. I used to assume that sex=baby. It did for everyone else that I knew. It did for teenagers. It did for my friends. It did for everyone but me. Then I accepted that and moved onto adoption. That would certainly lead us to a baby, right? Well again that innocence was ripped from me and I learned that it didn't always work out. So onto the wonderful world of modern medicine. THAT was the answer! It worked for my neighbor's brother's wife's cousin so it was a sure thing. And it did not work. But it was not IVF, the creme de le creme of all fertility treatments. The last stop. The 'one". And our FET worked. Innocence restored!
Fast forward a few years and my innocence and I tried again for baby number two. It worked previously so it would work again my innocence told me. Liar! It didn't work and my innocence was torn away yet again. Left in its place was cynicism. I know too much now. I know that adoptions fall through, that treatments don't work and not everyone gets their miracles. And I miss my innocence. I miss thinking that baby making was all unicorns and rainbows.
My innocence was taken without my consent and cynicism was uninvited. So now I must find a new reality, somewhere between the two. Something with a bit of faith a dose of realism. Bad things happen. Not everyone gets their happily ever after. But some do and I will never know if I don't try.
Fast forward a few years and my innocence and I tried again for baby number two. It worked previously so it would work again my innocence told me. Liar! It didn't work and my innocence was torn away yet again. Left in its place was cynicism. I know too much now. I know that adoptions fall through, that treatments don't work and not everyone gets their miracles. And I miss my innocence. I miss thinking that baby making was all unicorns and rainbows.
My innocence was taken without my consent and cynicism was uninvited. So now I must find a new reality, somewhere between the two. Something with a bit of faith a dose of realism. Bad things happen. Not everyone gets their happily ever after. But some do and I will never know if I don't try.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
when it rains......
I posted a few days ago that I had a tough weekend. Well, it got tougher. After my hormonal changes, UTI and migraine I woke up on Sunday feeling super tired, but better. I was so tired about the 15+ hours of a migraine that we stayed home from church so that I could rest. I laid back down around 9 am and took a short nap. For two hours. Only to wake up with fever and chills. I assume that I had the bug that Maddie had earlier in the week. Thankfully I did not throw up like she did but I felt awful. On Monday I felt quite a bit better but still achy and feverish though I really didn't run a temp. I finally felt normal on Wednesday which was amazing!!! Oh, and Monday and Tuesday **TMI HERE** I had the worst diarrhea ever! I could not leave my house. It was awful!! And all of this while still babysitting.
Then last night Maddie threw up all of herself in the car seat. While holding my phone. Have you ever cleaned vomit out of an iPhone? No? Be glad! It is not easy. That things has so many nooks and crannies that I had never noticed before. She continued this for a few hours, twice all over my bed. Two baths and 2 sets of bedding later we all finally went to bed. Because all of the kids that I watch have been exposed already their parents decided to bring them today. (yay me) One kid cried (aka threw a fit) for 30 minutes. One had explosive diarrhea 3 times in an hour. My older niece was sick last night so she came over too (she lives with dad and mom totally sucks as a parent so I 'baby' her when she is sick). And Maddie wanted to be held. It was NOT FUN!!!!!
All of this germy yuckiness coupled with my migraines has kept me from even thinking about scheduling my post-IVF consult. I can't even think straight let alone talk business on the phone. So next week I hope to start moving forward with getting the details for FET #2. Because my life isn't crazy enough I need another baby. :)
Then last night Maddie threw up all of herself in the car seat. While holding my phone. Have you ever cleaned vomit out of an iPhone? No? Be glad! It is not easy. That things has so many nooks and crannies that I had never noticed before. She continued this for a few hours, twice all over my bed. Two baths and 2 sets of bedding later we all finally went to bed. Because all of the kids that I watch have been exposed already their parents decided to bring them today. (yay me) One kid cried (aka threw a fit) for 30 minutes. One had explosive diarrhea 3 times in an hour. My older niece was sick last night so she came over too (she lives with dad and mom totally sucks as a parent so I 'baby' her when she is sick). And Maddie wanted to be held. It was NOT FUN!!!!!
All of this germy yuckiness coupled with my migraines has kept me from even thinking about scheduling my post-IVF consult. I can't even think straight let alone talk business on the phone. So next week I hope to start moving forward with getting the details for FET #2. Because my life isn't crazy enough I need another baby. :)
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Tough weekend
It is only Saturday night but this weekend has been difficult both physically and emotionally. Physically because I have a UTI (possibly from using Crinone.....because I am lucky like that) and the hormonal changes are kicking my butt. I have started my period and with it comes a migraine. And not just any migraine, but the kind that makes you beg for merciful oblivion. Or a shot of demerol in the backside. Anything to make the pain go away. Along with this lovely migraine is cramps. As someone with endo I am not a novice when it comes to cramps, but post-IVF cramps are a bit different. I have not had much endo pain since having Maddie so maybe this is just normal endo pain and I forgot it, I don't know. What I do know is that I don't like it at all.
The emotional part hit me when my period first started. That first tinge of pink brought finality. There would be no call saying that the lab made a mistake and I really am pregnant. No "where is my period?" and go to the doctor to find out it was a really late implanter and I am indeed pregnant. Did I really think that either of these scenarios would happen? No, not really. But knowing that with my period the embryos were exiting my body meant that this was not a bad dream. It was real. And it was really over.
When you lose a living child people recognize that loss. Everyone does. When you lose a child in the last trimester most people recognize that as well. With a miscarriage not everyone acknowledges that loss though you will find that many do. But when you lose an embryo or two very few people see the that as a "loss". Most infertiles do, but the general population does not. It was not a baby. You were never pregnant. Yet you love these little embryos regardless if they ever had a heartbeat or not. Regardless of their genetic makeup. You love them. And you mourn their loss. I want my babies. I want them here. For some reason losing them in the lab during the thaw did not bother me nearly as much. Yes, I was sad, but I did not grieve. But having them inside of me only to leave hurts my heart.
I wonder if I will meet them in heaven? Will they meet me there? I know that they will be there but will they be waiting for their first parents? Or for me? Or will both of us get the honor of meeting them? I would like to believe that we will all meet one day. The embryos, the family that created their little lives and the ones to release them back to Jesus. But until then I will miss them. I will miss what might have been.
The emotional part hit me when my period first started. That first tinge of pink brought finality. There would be no call saying that the lab made a mistake and I really am pregnant. No "where is my period?" and go to the doctor to find out it was a really late implanter and I am indeed pregnant. Did I really think that either of these scenarios would happen? No, not really. But knowing that with my period the embryos were exiting my body meant that this was not a bad dream. It was real. And it was really over.
When you lose a living child people recognize that loss. Everyone does. When you lose a child in the last trimester most people recognize that as well. With a miscarriage not everyone acknowledges that loss though you will find that many do. But when you lose an embryo or two very few people see the that as a "loss". Most infertiles do, but the general population does not. It was not a baby. You were never pregnant. Yet you love these little embryos regardless if they ever had a heartbeat or not. Regardless of their genetic makeup. You love them. And you mourn their loss. I want my babies. I want them here. For some reason losing them in the lab during the thaw did not bother me nearly as much. Yes, I was sad, but I did not grieve. But having them inside of me only to leave hurts my heart.
I wonder if I will meet them in heaven? Will they meet me there? I know that they will be there but will they be waiting for their first parents? Or for me? Or will both of us get the honor of meeting them? I would like to believe that we will all meet one day. The embryos, the family that created their little lives and the ones to release them back to Jesus. But until then I will miss them. I will miss what might have been.
Friday, February 8, 2013
The next steps...and some great news!
On Wednesday I received the call that my beta was negative. The call came from a nurse that I had never spoken to before. She was nice though. On Thursday the donor embryo coordinator/nurse that I usually deal with (Nan) called to check on me. I thought that this was so incredibly kind and thoughtful. She just wanted to know how I was doing and to let me know that she was sorry that it was negative. I can't tell you how much that meant to me! Anyone that has called this clinic knows how busy this nurse is and how difficult it can be to get a call back and for her to take a moment to call me for no reason other to check on me meant the world to me.
While I had her on the phone I asked about my other 2 blasts. Originally we had 8 embryos (6 day 3's and 2 blasts) and they thawed all of the day 3 embryos to allow them to grow to blasts. The day of the transfer I was told that only 2 made it to blasts and that the other 4 did not grow. While I am thankful to still have 2 blasts I was a bit scared about what would happen if one or both did not survive the thaw. So I asked her about the 2 blasts and she said that it looked like we had three, not two. I was surprised to hear this but not ready to get my hopes up yet. She told me she would have to check with the embryologist and get back to me. She called a bit later and said that she was wrong, there was not 3 blasts. There was four!!!!!!! I was super happy to hear this!
My next step is to schedule my post-IVF consult with the RE to discuss our next attempt. Once I do that I will know a bit more. I am also waiting for a call back from the financial office to find out the fees for the second try. But for now I am just excited that things look good for another try!!!
While I had her on the phone I asked about my other 2 blasts. Originally we had 8 embryos (6 day 3's and 2 blasts) and they thawed all of the day 3 embryos to allow them to grow to blasts. The day of the transfer I was told that only 2 made it to blasts and that the other 4 did not grow. While I am thankful to still have 2 blasts I was a bit scared about what would happen if one or both did not survive the thaw. So I asked her about the 2 blasts and she said that it looked like we had three, not two. I was surprised to hear this but not ready to get my hopes up yet. She told me she would have to check with the embryologist and get back to me. She called a bit later and said that she was wrong, there was not 3 blasts. There was four!!!!!!! I was super happy to hear this!
My next step is to schedule my post-IVF consult with the RE to discuss our next attempt. Once I do that I will know a bit more. I am also waiting for a call back from the financial office to find out the fees for the second try. But for now I am just excited that things look good for another try!!!
Thursday, February 7, 2013
WHY didn't it work?
Anyone that has gone through unsuccessful fertility treatments will ask this question. Whether it is IUIs, IVF or FET you will wonder. What could you have done differently? Was the timing wrong? Did the clinic do everything right? Should I have rested more? Did I pick up something too heavy? I have thought all of these and many more. And my conclusion? It just wasn't meant to be at this time.
My biggest concern (and the question most asked) was about stress. This trip was crazy stressful. And while I believe that stress can be a factor I do not think that it was in this situation. Why? Because the stressful part was over on early Saturday morning, over 24 hours before the transfer. I spent Saturday walking the beach, searching for seashells and eating crab legs on the beach. I was totally calm and relaxed. More than I have ever been (except for a spa day I had once.....that was amazing!). I went into the transfer totally relaxed and ready. The other reason that I don't believe that stress was a factor was that rape victims get pregnant all of the time, as do women in awful, stressful circumstances. Had God wanted me to be pregnant something as minor as stress would not have affected it.
Another big issue is my lining. My last RE never recorded it and RE's vary on what, if anything, they consider too thick. While this does cause me some concern, I don't necessarily believe that it was the problem. So many RE's are of the opinion the thicker the better. On a surrogate forum many of them have crazy thick linings and get pregnant. Though I do not have an issue with my lining thickness this may be a big problem for my RE concerning my next cycle. He may insist it be under 13 and I am not sure how that will be accomplished. I may need a D&C a month or so prior, I don't know. But that is definitely something that will have to be discussed, I am sure.
I did several things differently this time.
*Acupuncture: I had it done last time but not this time. Maybe it played a part, maybe not. However, I will do it next time just to see if it might help. I actually hate it but will do it anyway.
*Heparin: I used it before (my RE said at one time I should, then said I didn't need it but could if I wanted to so I did). This time the RE saw no reason to do so. I will not use it next time but will do baby aspirin. It can't hurt to try it.
*Eat pineapple: I ate it like crazy last time! I did not this time (I have an aversion to it now because I ate too much before lol) but I will try it again next time.
*Assisted hatching: this is something that my last clinic did standard and that this one did not offer. I will ask about it as an option next time.
The truth is none of us may ever know what went wrong in a failed cycle. Sometimes it just happens. When we look at a clinic's success rates we see that 55-60% and think about how many people got pregnant. But that also means that 40-45% did not. If someone told you that you had a 45% chance of getting electrocuted if you touched a wire you wouldn't do it. It is too high of a risk. But in the world of infertility you focus on the other number, the number of successful cycles. Which we should. But it also means that it might not happen, no matter what we do right.....or wrong. I am now part of that 45%. It happens. It sucks, but it happens.
My biggest concern (and the question most asked) was about stress. This trip was crazy stressful. And while I believe that stress can be a factor I do not think that it was in this situation. Why? Because the stressful part was over on early Saturday morning, over 24 hours before the transfer. I spent Saturday walking the beach, searching for seashells and eating crab legs on the beach. I was totally calm and relaxed. More than I have ever been (except for a spa day I had once.....that was amazing!). I went into the transfer totally relaxed and ready. The other reason that I don't believe that stress was a factor was that rape victims get pregnant all of the time, as do women in awful, stressful circumstances. Had God wanted me to be pregnant something as minor as stress would not have affected it.
Another big issue is my lining. My last RE never recorded it and RE's vary on what, if anything, they consider too thick. While this does cause me some concern, I don't necessarily believe that it was the problem. So many RE's are of the opinion the thicker the better. On a surrogate forum many of them have crazy thick linings and get pregnant. Though I do not have an issue with my lining thickness this may be a big problem for my RE concerning my next cycle. He may insist it be under 13 and I am not sure how that will be accomplished. I may need a D&C a month or so prior, I don't know. But that is definitely something that will have to be discussed, I am sure.
I did several things differently this time.
*Acupuncture: I had it done last time but not this time. Maybe it played a part, maybe not. However, I will do it next time just to see if it might help. I actually hate it but will do it anyway.
*Heparin: I used it before (my RE said at one time I should, then said I didn't need it but could if I wanted to so I did). This time the RE saw no reason to do so. I will not use it next time but will do baby aspirin. It can't hurt to try it.
*Eat pineapple: I ate it like crazy last time! I did not this time (I have an aversion to it now because I ate too much before lol) but I will try it again next time.
*Assisted hatching: this is something that my last clinic did standard and that this one did not offer. I will ask about it as an option next time.
The truth is none of us may ever know what went wrong in a failed cycle. Sometimes it just happens. When we look at a clinic's success rates we see that 55-60% and think about how many people got pregnant. But that also means that 40-45% did not. If someone told you that you had a 45% chance of getting electrocuted if you touched a wire you wouldn't do it. It is too high of a risk. But in the world of infertility you focus on the other number, the number of successful cycles. Which we should. But it also means that it might not happen, no matter what we do right.....or wrong. I am now part of that 45%. It happens. It sucks, but it happens.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
So many emotions
My previous post makes it sound like I am totally at peace with this. And in a way I am. But I am also hurt. And angry. Very, very angry!!! My head may 'know' that there is a reason but heart has yet to catch up. I am angry that one person has to go through so much. And not just me, but so many of us. There is nothing fair about what we all have to go through. Many have loss after loss. Why?? Why does God allow this?
This cycle took us over a year to schedule. I had not one but two possible couples offer to donate to us and just quit responding. No reason. No why. Just quit. Then we finally find this clinic and everything began to move forward. Finally!! Then the first setback: canceled cycle. The we began again and I prayed and prayed. Specifically I prayed that the transfer would not even happen if it wasn't going to work. And against all odds (my lining was thicker than the RE liked and the reason for the first cancellation) the cycle was a go. And everything fell in place. So many small miracles to make it all happen. Why? So it wouldn't work? So that we could throw away almost $5000 that we did not have? So that I could experience the worst anxiety ever?
I may never know the reason why this happened. And eventually my heart and my head will both be at peace. But for now I grieve.
And I thank you all for your love and support. I could not survive this without all of you.
This cycle took us over a year to schedule. I had not one but two possible couples offer to donate to us and just quit responding. No reason. No why. Just quit. Then we finally find this clinic and everything began to move forward. Finally!! Then the first setback: canceled cycle. The we began again and I prayed and prayed. Specifically I prayed that the transfer would not even happen if it wasn't going to work. And against all odds (my lining was thicker than the RE liked and the reason for the first cancellation) the cycle was a go. And everything fell in place. So many small miracles to make it all happen. Why? So it wouldn't work? So that we could throw away almost $5000 that we did not have? So that I could experience the worst anxiety ever?
I may never know the reason why this happened. And eventually my heart and my head will both be at peace. But for now I grieve.
And I thank you all for your love and support. I could not survive this without all of you.
A Greater Yes
Today I received the official results. It was negative. I was prepared but it still hurt. A lot! This song is what helped me through some of the darkest times of the infertility journey and what inspired my blog.
"Trust God if He says no.... You´re still Blessed
There must be a greater yes"
There must be a greater yes"
I have no idea what would have been greater than a positive. But years ago I had no idea what would have been greater than keeping our (to be) adopted daughter. Or better than our IUIs working. Or better than getting pregnant naturally. But there was something greater and it was her:
This "no" hurts. A very deep hurt. But I am excited to learn what the greater yes will be.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
beta will be tomorrow
Originally I had wanted to move my beta up to today as I have a full house tomorrow (in home childcare) and was not able to get away until late afternoon for my blood draw. I called the nurse yesterday and she said that since I am getting BFNs at home she would rather I wait until Wednesday just in case I have a late implanter in there. She was very kind but we both knew that things do not look good. I agreed to wait and things are worked out for me to go tomorrow morning at 8 am CST. I am just praying that the results get to them by 3 pm as that is when they close (they close at 4 EST/3 CST). I need this to be over. If it ends up being good news, great. But either way I need some closure so that we can make plans to move forward.
We have 2 more embryos (both blasts) and hubby and I were not sure if we would use them or not. Actually, we really never considered that this would not work and had not thought that far ahead. After all of this I was ready to quit but hubby would like to try one last time. And now, I would too. If nothing else we will know that we have done all that we could and we can put ttc behind us forever. And that is okay. Sort of. I love being pregnant and the thoughts of never experiencing that again saddens me. But I am so thankful to have had the opportunity with Maddie and I need to focus on that. Once we get a house and have more space we will pray about starting the foster to adopt process. That has always been a desire of ours and we have always planned to go this route and if I don't get pregnant we will know that it is time to begin.
The person that first told me about FIRM also told me that the first try was around $3500 but that subsequent tries are around $1400. I have not asked the nurse about this but I pray that it is true. If so we will be able to try in a few months. Though I hate the thoughts of traveling again we will do it differently. Next time I will fly right into Jacksonville, take a shuttle to the hotel, plan on a hotel instead of at the church we were planning on before (this eliminates anything falling through on us), and a taxi to the clinic and back. That way the stress of city driving will not be an issue and all I have to do is relax.The only downside is not being able to go to the beach, but that is okay. If we are successful we will take a family vacation there in a few years and I can spend hours and hours at the beach then. Oh, and next time NO HPTs!!! I am swearing them off forever!!!!
Emotionally I am doing okay. Ready to focus on something else. Ready to quit letting this dominate my every waking thought. I am starting to cramp and it feels like AF is getting ready to start. Does anyone know if she will show before I stop the meds?
I will update tomorrow after my test. I appreciate all of the support that you all have given. It has been a huge help!!!
We have 2 more embryos (both blasts) and hubby and I were not sure if we would use them or not. Actually, we really never considered that this would not work and had not thought that far ahead. After all of this I was ready to quit but hubby would like to try one last time. And now, I would too. If nothing else we will know that we have done all that we could and we can put ttc behind us forever. And that is okay. Sort of. I love being pregnant and the thoughts of never experiencing that again saddens me. But I am so thankful to have had the opportunity with Maddie and I need to focus on that. Once we get a house and have more space we will pray about starting the foster to adopt process. That has always been a desire of ours and we have always planned to go this route and if I don't get pregnant we will know that it is time to begin.
The person that first told me about FIRM also told me that the first try was around $3500 but that subsequent tries are around $1400. I have not asked the nurse about this but I pray that it is true. If so we will be able to try in a few months. Though I hate the thoughts of traveling again we will do it differently. Next time I will fly right into Jacksonville, take a shuttle to the hotel, plan on a hotel instead of at the church we were planning on before (this eliminates anything falling through on us), and a taxi to the clinic and back. That way the stress of city driving will not be an issue and all I have to do is relax.The only downside is not being able to go to the beach, but that is okay. If we are successful we will take a family vacation there in a few years and I can spend hours and hours at the beach then. Oh, and next time NO HPTs!!! I am swearing them off forever!!!!
Emotionally I am doing okay. Ready to focus on something else. Ready to quit letting this dominate my every waking thought. I am starting to cramp and it feels like AF is getting ready to start. Does anyone know if she will show before I stop the meds?
I will update tomorrow after my test. I appreciate all of the support that you all have given. It has been a huge help!!!
Monday, February 4, 2013
still BFN, but better today
Today is 8dp5dt and I still got a negative. However, I am doing better. I have not given up quite yet. I know that there is a strong possibility that I am not pregnant there is still hope. My previous pregnancy was after an FET that included assisted hatching. While searching the web today I read that the first 3 days after a transfer the embryo is hatching. This got me thinking and this clinic did not use AH. When AH is done implantation occurs earlier so that is probably why I got such an early BFP last time. Even if I am pregnant now all of the charts state that most women do not get a BFP before 9dp5dt. So I feel like there is still a bit of hope left. And I will hold onto any shred of hope that I can find.
I an trying to move my beta up to tomorrow and will update once I get the results. So pray, pray, pray!!!
I an trying to move my beta up to tomorrow and will update once I get the results. So pray, pray, pray!!!
Sunday, February 3, 2013
faith, hope and reality
Today is 7dp6dt and I had yet another negative HPT.
I have faith that God's will will be done whether I am pregnant or not.
I have little hope left that this is a successful cycle.
Yet reality tells me that anything is possible and I need to just wait.
I am not sure if I will take another test tomorrow or not. One of my blog readers, Diane, said "In my experience, early testing is only fun when you get a good result.". Truer words were never spoken.
I have faith that God's will will be done whether I am pregnant or not.
I have little hope left that this is a successful cycle.
Yet reality tells me that anything is possible and I need to just wait.
I am not sure if I will take another test tomorrow or not. One of my blog readers, Diane, said "In my experience, early testing is only fun when you get a good result.". Truer words were never spoken.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
the worst wait.....ever!
This has by far been the worst wait ever. The first two days I was traveling and did not have time to even think about it which was nice. Then once I returned home I had laundry to do, church to attend and kids to watch so I thought that it would pass a lot quicker. But that is not the case. Time is slowly crawling by. Part of it is because I am super emotional right now. Yes, it could be a symptom of pregnancy, but most likely it is from the Crinone. I am used to being irritable with PMS and pregnancy, but this crybaby stuff is new to me. I used Prometrium (vaginally) last time as well as PIO for a few weeks and neither made me feel this way. Crinone is the only thing different this time. And I don't like it one bit!!
I went to my sister's house tonight for dinner. My mom was there and was taking my sister's two girls home with her tonight. She mentioned taking Maddie but I said no as we have church in the morning. As we were leaving Maddie was crying to go and I was mad at my mom for leaving her out. But she didn't, I am the one that said no. But my baby's heart was broken because she couldn't go so I was upset. And I cried. It was nuts!!! LOL And then I came home and cried because I am sure that I am not pregnant. Getting an early BFP last time meant that I was riding a pregnancy high for my first beta. This time I am just so worried that it won't happen. And it terrifies me! We have two blasts left and we could possibly try one more time, but the thoughts of spending all of this money again makes me ill. Yes, I am thankful for the option, but seriously, over the years we have spent so much. Many couples have spent a lot more, I get that, but this is a lot of money to us. I don't know if we can do it again. But I am not sure that I will be ready to give up either.
I need to quit thinking this way and just wait. I will test again in the morning. I am not sure why. Maybe I am a masochist. But I will test tomorrow morning, Monday morning and then beta on Tuesday. I am scheduled for Wednesday but I am going to call and see if I can move it up a day. I do in home childcare and I have a full house on Wednesday and start at 7 am. There is no way for me to make it before noon. On Tuesday I just have my niece and can leave her and Maddie with hubby.
So if you think about it, pray for this crazy lady. Pray that I don't end up in the loony bin before my beta.
I went to my sister's house tonight for dinner. My mom was there and was taking my sister's two girls home with her tonight. She mentioned taking Maddie but I said no as we have church in the morning. As we were leaving Maddie was crying to go and I was mad at my mom for leaving her out. But she didn't, I am the one that said no. But my baby's heart was broken because she couldn't go so I was upset. And I cried. It was nuts!!! LOL And then I came home and cried because I am sure that I am not pregnant. Getting an early BFP last time meant that I was riding a pregnancy high for my first beta. This time I am just so worried that it won't happen. And it terrifies me! We have two blasts left and we could possibly try one more time, but the thoughts of spending all of this money again makes me ill. Yes, I am thankful for the option, but seriously, over the years we have spent so much. Many couples have spent a lot more, I get that, but this is a lot of money to us. I don't know if we can do it again. But I am not sure that I will be ready to give up either.
I need to quit thinking this way and just wait. I will test again in the morning. I am not sure why. Maybe I am a masochist. But I will test tomorrow morning, Monday morning and then beta on Tuesday. I am scheduled for Wednesday but I am going to call and see if I can move it up a day. I do in home childcare and I have a full house on Wednesday and start at 7 am. There is no way for me to make it before noon. On Tuesday I just have my niece and can leave her and Maddie with hubby.
So if you think about it, pray for this crazy lady. Pray that I don't end up in the loony bin before my beta.
Friday, February 1, 2013
Enter the doubts
We have only ever had 6 times in our marriage that pregnancy has been even a possibility. Just six. The first year of marriage does not count as we were ttc but had no clue that our chances were nil. But after that important tidbit of information was shared with us we have only had 6 actively ttc cycle. Four were IUI with donor sperm and 2 were FETs. It has been 3 years since the last FET and I have forgotten just how crazy the 2WW can be. Or in this case the 10DW (10 day wait). For the IUIs our chances for the first two tries were not great and I expected a negative. The last two I was hopeful. Still nothing. I now remember analyzing every twinge and potential symptom. A cramp? Maybe implantation. Bumped my boobs, did they hurt? My left toe on my right foot itches like crazy. Must google, might be a symptom! I swear that the 2WWs have taken a few years off of my life span.
For my last FET I started POASing in the middle of the day on 5dp5dt. Five minutes later it was negative. Ten minutes later the same. I threw it away, but like any good infertile I dug it out of the trash about 2 hours later. And there it was, a very faint pink line. But it was there. And it could just be an evap line. Yet I have never, ever had an evap line before. Ever! And just because we only had 5 "real" cycles at that point does not that I had not taken 172,463 pregnancy test (give or take a few). Okay, slight exaggeration, but seriously, I was not a novice. So I was now hopeful. The next morning was a negative and there went my hopes. But a different test was positive. And it ended up being true and we were going to have a baby.
This time is so different. I did not get a positive today, 5dp5dt. No faint line even after a few hours. Nothing. My head knows that this is super early. But my heart is doubting. I went back through some texts that I had from 2 years ago between a friend of mine and I. She was in her 10DW after her IVF cycle and she was 8dp5dt and her HPT was negative. I was so encouraging and telling her that it was early, don't worry about it. Don't give up. She did get her positive 2 days later and now has 1 year old twins. Yet I can't help but doubt. I keep thinking that if it were twins that I would certainly get a BFP today. But I 'know' that isn't true.
Can I just say that infertility sucks. And the 2WW/10DW sucks too!!!
For my last FET I started POASing in the middle of the day on 5dp5dt. Five minutes later it was negative. Ten minutes later the same. I threw it away, but like any good infertile I dug it out of the trash about 2 hours later. And there it was, a very faint pink line. But it was there. And it could just be an evap line. Yet I have never, ever had an evap line before. Ever! And just because we only had 5 "real" cycles at that point does not that I had not taken 172,463 pregnancy test (give or take a few). Okay, slight exaggeration, but seriously, I was not a novice. So I was now hopeful. The next morning was a negative and there went my hopes. But a different test was positive. And it ended up being true and we were going to have a baby.
This time is so different. I did not get a positive today, 5dp5dt. No faint line even after a few hours. Nothing. My head knows that this is super early. But my heart is doubting. I went back through some texts that I had from 2 years ago between a friend of mine and I. She was in her 10DW after her IVF cycle and she was 8dp5dt and her HPT was negative. I was so encouraging and telling her that it was early, don't worry about it. Don't give up. She did get her positive 2 days later and now has 1 year old twins. Yet I can't help but doubt. I keep thinking that if it were twins that I would certainly get a BFP today. But I 'know' that isn't true.
Can I just say that infertility sucks. And the 2WW/10DW sucks too!!!
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