For the past 11 years of trying to conceive I have wondered "why not me?". Why is everyone else around me able to conceive so easily but we cannot? I felt as though I deserved a baby. And I do think that those that would be good parents deserve a baby more than a drug addict or child abuser does. But now that I am pregnant I ask "why me" and not others? I am so thankful to be pregnant, I really am! Incredibly thankful! But I am also humbled by His goodness in answering our prayers in this way. But I hurt so much for many others that are still waiting. And I hurt for those that have recently suffered a loss.
Today I heard that the daughter of a pastor friend of ours lost her baby. The baby was stillborn. I cannot even begin to imagine how she and her husband are feeling right now. Another woman I know informed me that she has cancer and will now not be able to carry a baby. This is after many years of trying and several losses. Another couple we know is about 6 months along and their baby will not survive outside of the womb. All of this makes me wonder what God has planned. How can any of this be for His will? Yet I know that it IS His will and I may never understand it until I get to heaven.
After hearing all of this I feel so underserving and humbled that He has brought us to where we are. For those of you that are currently pregnant, I hope that you realize just how blessed that you are. For those that are still waiting, I pray that your wait is over soon, and until then that you are able to rest in Him. And for those that are hurting, may you feel His loving arms wrapped tightly around you.
It is absolutely incredible how blessed we are to be pregnant...and I thank God for our miracle every day. My heart aches for all of the stories you just told, and all of the ones I know as well. I don't understand...but I do constantly pray for the aching hearts of those still waiting and of those experiencing loss, and trust that God will hold them tightly in His arms as they curl up in His lap.
ReplyDeleteHi Jess,
ReplyDeleteBeing an infertile woman of 11 years as well, I have had this exact same conversation with God. Even after having my own biological son from IUI and a daughter by adoption, I still wonder-why? As we try for another biological child, there are moments when I grieve not being able to do naturally what God intended for my body. It is hard for others to understand. They see my two children and wonder why I have sadness still. It's not that I am ungrateful, my children are my joy, my gift and my biggest blessing. What I grieve was the ability to make love to my husband and conceive the way God ultimately intended.
I think this is always something I will have to deal with. Even years after we are done having children, no matter which way that happens, I will probably still ask why. The thing I have learned to do over the years, however, is after asking "why" is to give thanks. Thanks that my body can carry a baby. Thanks that God has intervened and allowed us to be a family of four. Thanks that even during pain there are miracles and joy beyond measure.
Thanks for sharing.
April
Truly blessed we are...I still wish that I could completely get rid of the FEAR that something is going to happen and enjoy the pregnancy more. I too, pray for all those who long for a baby.
ReplyDeleteThanks Jess!
ReplyDelete