Remember when you first got married, those days of wedded bliss? Remember when you first said to your hubby "Let's make a baby!"? Ah...to be young, carefree and naive again! I miss those days. But alas, I am here. Twelve years older, thousands of dollars poorer, and have more knowledge of my reproductive organs that my high school biology teacher. Yes, I have a child now, and for that I am most thankful. But the "let's have another baby" conversation will not be an easy one for us. We will have to go through treatments again, which means saving money and waiting for available embryos. And all of this is for a "chance" not a guarantee.
Back when we first started trying, when I thought that I was "normal", we talked baby names. We had dreams and ideas of our future children. We have had our names picked out for years. Many, many years!!! I have had to sit back and watch fellow church members use our names and while it hurt, I survived. I could care less if Maddie is one of four in our church. I love her name and was determined to use it. We have two other names that we absolutely love and have planned on using for years: Braeden for a boy and Olivia for a girl. Both are popular now but our church is small and no one else has these names and all of my friends are done having babies. My sister is planning another child (must be nice to plan, huh?) and neither of these names are on her list. What I hadn't counted on was my brother and his girlfriend having a baby. And choosing one of my names: Olivia.
When I had first learned that they were unexpectedly expecting I was a wee bit jealous as they had done so much to prevent and can still pop one out. But for the most part I handled it well. However I did tell hubby that I hoped they had a girl as I would really like to be the first at something and hope that our next one (if God wills it) will be a boy. I am the oldest of three yet the last to have a baby. And the only one that ever wanted children. Though I may never have another child and if we do it may be a girl, I still wanted to chance to be "first" at having a boy. But now that they have chosen my girl name I hope that they have a boy. Silly, I know!
I am not upset that they have chosen the name Olivia as they had no idea that we planned to use this name if ever given the opportunity. But it still stings. We were supposed to be done having kids by now and would have already gotten to use our chosen names and this would not be an issue. Infertility stinks on so many levels and this is just one more reason!!