I want to thank everyone that has posted encouraging and supportive comments these past few days. It means a lot. But to those that have decided to post hurtful and negative comments anonymously I would like to tell you that you are spineless cowards! Grow a backbone and post under your username with a link to your profile, or don't post at all. I have read nasty comments on other blogs and have been outraged by such hatefulness. But until it happened to me I didn't realize how ugly it really was. I expect some negativity from time to time. I expect for people to disagree with me. But I also expect for commenters to have enough guts to do so publicly. So quit hiding behind anonymity, you cowards!! And until then, I will continue to delete you. Because I can. It is my blog, ya know!
Now back to regularly scheduled programming! ;-)
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
bonding...continued
First, I want to say thank you to everyone for your comments on my previous post. Second, I think that I have finally figured out what is causing this, especially the increased feeling of detachment lately.
After reading the comments and suggestions I examined myself a bit. Honestly, I do not think that I have PPD at all. Not even slightly. I have none of the symptoms. Also, sleep deprivation isn't the issue either. Maddie is sleeping much better at night now, which is lovely! As for counseling I had already decided to call and make an appointment for next week. It was while thinking about talking about all of this that the answer came to me. Well, that, and calling Maddie by another name twice last night. I called her Abbie. Now, it seems like that would be an easy thing to do since the names are so similar. But honestly, I never call her Abbie. I do, however, call her Bella, which is one of my niece's names. But I never call her Abbie. It finally dawned on me that it was losing Abbie that is causing all of my anxiety and detachment. And when I say detachment I don't mean completely detached, just that a small part of me is held back from Maddie.
Maddie is now 9 weeks old....the age that Abbie was when I sat down to write a letter to her mother, demanding that she make a decision. Either allow us to adopt her or find her a new home. (mother was in prison and playing games) Subconsciously I must have been thinking about this. I cannot even begin to tell you how difficult losing Abbie was for me. I wrote the letter at 9 weeks, received a letter from her mother the following week that she would find her a new home, at 11 weeks I spoke to a foster family that was willing to take her and for the next 2 weeks I mourned. I wept. I grieved. It was like being told my child had 2 weeks to live. And for me that was true. Abbie would leave and my dreams of a child would die. I spent those 2 weeks packing, taking her picture, I cut a lock of her hair, and saved anything with her baby scent. At the end of those 2 weeks, when Abbie was 13 weeks old, we made the 2 hour drive to meet the foster family. And hand over my baby. I barely remember the trip, but I do remember returning home, my arms empty.
At first I kept everything except the nursery furniture. A few months later I forced myself to go through her stuff and only keep a handful of items, giving the rest to a young single mother in need. Over the years I continued to pare down her possessions, even sending her mother a package and only keeping 2-3 things for myself. I am as "over" losing Abbie as is humanly possible. I no longer mourn her. I realize that she is not mine and that the time that we had with her was a gift. Yet the scars from that time are still present. It is these scars that are the problem now.
I know that Maddie is mine and that no one can take her. Even though she is not "biologically" related I never even think of that unless I am telling someone her story or blogging. She is as much mine as any child could be. But all of this knowledge does not change the fact that Maddie is the same age as Abbie was and those feelings are resurfacing. I am holding back a part of myself to protect myself. Now that I know that I can fix it. I can remind myself that Maddie is not Abbie and never will be. This is an entirely different situation. I know that I will give my heart completely to this little girl, one day at a time.
After reading the comments and suggestions I examined myself a bit. Honestly, I do not think that I have PPD at all. Not even slightly. I have none of the symptoms. Also, sleep deprivation isn't the issue either. Maddie is sleeping much better at night now, which is lovely! As for counseling I had already decided to call and make an appointment for next week. It was while thinking about talking about all of this that the answer came to me. Well, that, and calling Maddie by another name twice last night. I called her Abbie. Now, it seems like that would be an easy thing to do since the names are so similar. But honestly, I never call her Abbie. I do, however, call her Bella, which is one of my niece's names. But I never call her Abbie. It finally dawned on me that it was losing Abbie that is causing all of my anxiety and detachment. And when I say detachment I don't mean completely detached, just that a small part of me is held back from Maddie.
Maddie is now 9 weeks old....the age that Abbie was when I sat down to write a letter to her mother, demanding that she make a decision. Either allow us to adopt her or find her a new home. (mother was in prison and playing games) Subconsciously I must have been thinking about this. I cannot even begin to tell you how difficult losing Abbie was for me. I wrote the letter at 9 weeks, received a letter from her mother the following week that she would find her a new home, at 11 weeks I spoke to a foster family that was willing to take her and for the next 2 weeks I mourned. I wept. I grieved. It was like being told my child had 2 weeks to live. And for me that was true. Abbie would leave and my dreams of a child would die. I spent those 2 weeks packing, taking her picture, I cut a lock of her hair, and saved anything with her baby scent. At the end of those 2 weeks, when Abbie was 13 weeks old, we made the 2 hour drive to meet the foster family. And hand over my baby. I barely remember the trip, but I do remember returning home, my arms empty.
At first I kept everything except the nursery furniture. A few months later I forced myself to go through her stuff and only keep a handful of items, giving the rest to a young single mother in need. Over the years I continued to pare down her possessions, even sending her mother a package and only keeping 2-3 things for myself. I am as "over" losing Abbie as is humanly possible. I no longer mourn her. I realize that she is not mine and that the time that we had with her was a gift. Yet the scars from that time are still present. It is these scars that are the problem now.
I know that Maddie is mine and that no one can take her. Even though she is not "biologically" related I never even think of that unless I am telling someone her story or blogging. She is as much mine as any child could be. But all of this knowledge does not change the fact that Maddie is the same age as Abbie was and those feelings are resurfacing. I am holding back a part of myself to protect myself. Now that I know that I can fix it. I can remind myself that Maddie is not Abbie and never will be. This is an entirely different situation. I know that I will give my heart completely to this little girl, one day at a time.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Pics of my Cutie!
She was 2 months on the 25th. Time really does fly!
We got her ears pierced this week.
Here are some random pics of her from this past month.
We got her ears pierced this week.
Here are some random pics of her from this past month.
bonding...or lack thereof
This post is one of the hardest for me to write. In my head I know that my feelings are normal, but my heart disagrees. I also know that if I am experiencing this that there are others out there going through the exact same thing. Or one day will be. So I decided to blog about it and share my struggle in hopes of helping someone else feel less alone. And to find support from those that have been there.
For 12 years I dreamed of having a baby. I imagined the pregnancy test showing positive. I planned how I would tell my hubby and then my family. I had the names chosen and the nursery decorated. We all have ideals of how life should go, but rarely does it happen this way. Infertility threw a huge monkey wrench into all of our plans. Once we got pregnant I thought that it would be smooth sailing. I just knew that once Maddie was here everything would be idyllic. The first moment that I saw her I loved her. She was perfect. She was mine. But there was no bond. I assumed that it was from lack of sleep and tons of drugs. Once we came home that bond still did not form and again I assumed it was from lack of sleep. It has been 2 months now and while there is now a bond, it is not a strong one. Just yesterday I said to her "Aunt Jessie loves you."
I think that there are several reasons for this. One is that it did take us so long to have a baby. I had 12 years to become used to life as a family of two. Another is that we lost a baby in a failed adoption. Having to say good-bye to Abbie was one of the most difficult things that I have every endured. I thought that I was over it but having Maddie has caused many of these feelings to resurface. And the last reason is probably hormonal. All of this combined has caused feelings of inadequacy. No one can fault my care of my daughter but there is obviously something missing. Thankfully my hubby has bonded with her, though at times this breaks my heart. I love that they are so close but it hurts to see them together knowing that her and I do not share this same magical bond.
I have been told that for some women it takes time to form this bond and I am trying not to be too hard on myself. But I will say that after waiting so long for my little girl I had hoped that it would have happened by now. Until then I will cuddle her and love her, slowly letting her work her way into my heart forever.
For 12 years I dreamed of having a baby. I imagined the pregnancy test showing positive. I planned how I would tell my hubby and then my family. I had the names chosen and the nursery decorated. We all have ideals of how life should go, but rarely does it happen this way. Infertility threw a huge monkey wrench into all of our plans. Once we got pregnant I thought that it would be smooth sailing. I just knew that once Maddie was here everything would be idyllic. The first moment that I saw her I loved her. She was perfect. She was mine. But there was no bond. I assumed that it was from lack of sleep and tons of drugs. Once we came home that bond still did not form and again I assumed it was from lack of sleep. It has been 2 months now and while there is now a bond, it is not a strong one. Just yesterday I said to her "Aunt Jessie loves you."
I think that there are several reasons for this. One is that it did take us so long to have a baby. I had 12 years to become used to life as a family of two. Another is that we lost a baby in a failed adoption. Having to say good-bye to Abbie was one of the most difficult things that I have every endured. I thought that I was over it but having Maddie has caused many of these feelings to resurface. And the last reason is probably hormonal. All of this combined has caused feelings of inadequacy. No one can fault my care of my daughter but there is obviously something missing. Thankfully my hubby has bonded with her, though at times this breaks my heart. I love that they are so close but it hurts to see them together knowing that her and I do not share this same magical bond.
I have been told that for some women it takes time to form this bond and I am trying not to be too hard on myself. But I will say that after waiting so long for my little girl I had hoped that it would have happened by now. Until then I will cuddle her and love her, slowly letting her work her way into my heart forever.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Finding the Funny in Infertility
Okay, we all know that infertility is not fun. The heartache, the waiting, the exams, the treatments. It all stinks!! But if we can't laugh at some of it we will go insane. So share something humorous that has happened to you!
We only have one lab that does a semen analysis and it happens to be over 30 minutes away. As you all know the specimen needs to be there within 30 minutes. So we decided to go there and provide the sample. Mistake! Big Mistake!! They did not have a "happy room" to do this in. What did they have?? They had a handicap bathroom. In the middle of the office complex that the lab was housed in. Hubby was not happy about having to do this there so I promised to help him out. Have you ever done...well...you know...in a public restroom?? First, it is nasty!! And I will never use a handicap bathroom anywhere a lab or urologist is present again!! Second, people knock. Constantly! Very distracting. And when you walk out together people give you "the look". We laugh now, but it was quite embarassing a the time. For the next 2 samples we got them at home and I dropped them off on the way to work. I drove like speed racer to get there in time, praying that I would not get pulled over.
Recently a friend of mine had to drop off a sample and they live even further than we do from the lab. After telling her how the bathroom was set up they decided do as we did and get it at home and drop it off. I also told her to store it in her bra. And not get pulled over. Two out of three isn't bad. They got pulled over!!! And they had to explain where they were going in such a hurry. I laughed so hard when she told me!!! How do you explain a cup of spermies nestled between your boobies? The cop was nice and let them go.
Another one for me was during my FET. I was told to have a partially full bladder. We left early to stop off at church so that our pastor could pray with us. I drank 2 glasses on the way to church but soon found I had to pee. And had 2 hours till baby time. So I went potty. And grabbed another water. By the time we arrived I had to go again. I sat there, doing the potty dance, waiting to be called back. The embryologist called me back to show us the pretty little embies. The whole time I was shaking my legs, praying I wouldn't wet myself. I finally asked the nurse if I could go to the bathroom and she said that I could. I ran like mad to the bathroom!! She waited outside of the door laughing at how much I went. Then after the FET I had to go again. This would have not been too bad had I not had to lay down for an hour. I thought that I would be fine, but then it happened. I peed! All over myself. Then I laughed. And peed some more. The nurse returned with the RE and a cathater. I filled that whole thing up, all while the nurse was laughing at how much I had to go. After they finished I lay there and wouldn't you know it, I peed again!!! And once my hour was up I ran to the bathroom again! I tell ya, the thing we go through to have a baby!!
So share it! What funny things have happened to you?
We only have one lab that does a semen analysis and it happens to be over 30 minutes away. As you all know the specimen needs to be there within 30 minutes. So we decided to go there and provide the sample. Mistake! Big Mistake!! They did not have a "happy room" to do this in. What did they have?? They had a handicap bathroom. In the middle of the office complex that the lab was housed in. Hubby was not happy about having to do this there so I promised to help him out. Have you ever done...well...you know...in a public restroom?? First, it is nasty!! And I will never use a handicap bathroom anywhere a lab or urologist is present again!! Second, people knock. Constantly! Very distracting. And when you walk out together people give you "the look". We laugh now, but it was quite embarassing a the time. For the next 2 samples we got them at home and I dropped them off on the way to work. I drove like speed racer to get there in time, praying that I would not get pulled over.
Recently a friend of mine had to drop off a sample and they live even further than we do from the lab. After telling her how the bathroom was set up they decided do as we did and get it at home and drop it off. I also told her to store it in her bra. And not get pulled over. Two out of three isn't bad. They got pulled over!!! And they had to explain where they were going in such a hurry. I laughed so hard when she told me!!! How do you explain a cup of spermies nestled between your boobies? The cop was nice and let them go.
Another one for me was during my FET. I was told to have a partially full bladder. We left early to stop off at church so that our pastor could pray with us. I drank 2 glasses on the way to church but soon found I had to pee. And had 2 hours till baby time. So I went potty. And grabbed another water. By the time we arrived I had to go again. I sat there, doing the potty dance, waiting to be called back. The embryologist called me back to show us the pretty little embies. The whole time I was shaking my legs, praying I wouldn't wet myself. I finally asked the nurse if I could go to the bathroom and she said that I could. I ran like mad to the bathroom!! She waited outside of the door laughing at how much I went. Then after the FET I had to go again. This would have not been too bad had I not had to lay down for an hour. I thought that I would be fine, but then it happened. I peed! All over myself. Then I laughed. And peed some more. The nurse returned with the RE and a cathater. I filled that whole thing up, all while the nurse was laughing at how much I had to go. After they finished I lay there and wouldn't you know it, I peed again!!! And once my hour was up I ran to the bathroom again! I tell ya, the thing we go through to have a baby!!
So share it! What funny things have happened to you?
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
to be continued....
I know that I have shared my story in the past, but thought that I would do it again. Since we began trying over 12 year ago my story is not a short one, though I will try to shorten it. But there are parts of it that must be shared for you to see just how miraculous our little one is. God orchestrated things in such a way that there is no way not to see His hand in it all.
Hubby and I married in July,1997 and began ttc in October of that year. I was young. I was naive. I was sure that we would have a baby 9 months later. Instead, what we had was a doctor's appointment to see what was wrong. I had suspected that I had endometriosis since I was 16, but doctor's did not believe me. My periods were excruciating!! There was no way that it was normal to experience the pain that I had each month. The ob/gyn was fairly sure that I had it as well, so we scheduled a laparoscopy. After surgery I was informed that I was fine. I was shocked! We were also informed that hubby needed to be tested as well. I look back now and wish that I had known to ask for his tests before I went under the knife, but back then there was no blogoshere or forum to guide me. I trusted my doctor completely. My hubby's tests revealed a low sperm count. Not just slightly low, but very low. And not only was it low but the morphology and motility were way off as well. Basically his swimmer were not only in short supply but deformed and directionally impaired. Just lovely!
At this time we did not have insurance coverage for infertility and could not afford the expensive tests and treatments. We decided to pursue adoption. Agency fees were more than we could afford as well so we decided on private adoption. We began letting friends and family know that we were interested and in 2003 we got a call about a woman getting ready to have an abortion. After speaking to her she decided to cancel the appointment and allow us to adopt. In March of 2004 she changed her mind. My heart was broken. Later we learned that everything worked out perfectly for this little baby and we saw His plan in it all. In September of 2004 we received another call about a baby girl. The story is long and sadly did not work out for us. We had our Abbie for 3 short months before we had to relinquish her. If you are interested in this story you can read it here: Losing Abbie
After losing Abbie we were not ready to open our hearts to another birth mother again. In 2005 we we began fertility testing in hopes of conceiving on our own. I had a new doctor and he decided to repeat my laparscopy. I am glad that he did as my original doctor missed my endometriosis and it was now stage 3 and one tube was completely blocked. And not only that hubby no longer had any sperm. At all. We later discovered that it was a genetic defect called Sertoli-cell Only. Our chances of having a baby just got worse. At this time we switched to an RE and the testing continued. In 2007 we decided to do IUI with donor sperm. The first IUI did not go well. The donor sperm ended up having a low count after the thaw. And I got an infection. We got new vials from a different donor and tried IUI a total of 4 times. Nothing. Later I learned from 2 different RE's that our chances of IUI working were less than 5%! Really?!?! I wish that we had know that before spending the money.
We took some time off to heal from all of this disappointment. In January of 2009 we got a call that would change our life forever, but did not know it at the time. My mom called to say that my sister was pregnant. And not happy about it. She was 28 and old enough to be a mom, but she had never really wanted kids. I was so angry at God for this! I began to descend into a depression as my sister's pregnancy progressed. I began to see a Christian counselor, trying to make sense of all of this. Hubby and I had been ready to pursue Embryo Adoption the year before, but I was too depressed to consider it anymore. Several months into seeing the counselor I was ready to began this new venture. You can read how we chose the exact route of EA here: Choosing EA. We had thought that the wait for embryos would be several months, if not a year, so we thought that we would have time to save the money for the FET. God had different plan! We were matched within weeks!!! And this story is amazing in and of itself. Had we gotten on the list just a week later we would have missed these embryos. The timing was so perfect and only God could have planned it! Once we got the call I began to panic because we did not have the money for the FET. And no way to come up with it in such a short period of time. But we felt God leading us so we continued with the process, trusting Him to provide. And provide He did! Remember that call I said that changed our life? Well, my sister had her baby and it changed her. She fell so in love with her daughter and being a mommy she finally understand how badly we wanted to have a baby. Her fiance had received an inheritance and because of this new change in their life they wanted us to experience as well. They gave us the money that we needed!!!
In December of 2009 we had 2 embryos transferred and one hung around to become our little Maddie. Our miracle baby! Maddie is now 2 months old and we are so thankful for her. I would say that this is the end of our infertility journey, but it is not. We hope to have another chance next year. We would love to give Maddie a sibling or two. So instead of saying The End we hope to say To Be Continued.....
Have you shared your story lately?
Hubby and I married in July,1997 and began ttc in October of that year. I was young. I was naive. I was sure that we would have a baby 9 months later. Instead, what we had was a doctor's appointment to see what was wrong. I had suspected that I had endometriosis since I was 16, but doctor's did not believe me. My periods were excruciating!! There was no way that it was normal to experience the pain that I had each month. The ob/gyn was fairly sure that I had it as well, so we scheduled a laparoscopy. After surgery I was informed that I was fine. I was shocked! We were also informed that hubby needed to be tested as well. I look back now and wish that I had known to ask for his tests before I went under the knife, but back then there was no blogoshere or forum to guide me. I trusted my doctor completely. My hubby's tests revealed a low sperm count. Not just slightly low, but very low. And not only was it low but the morphology and motility were way off as well. Basically his swimmer were not only in short supply but deformed and directionally impaired. Just lovely!
At this time we did not have insurance coverage for infertility and could not afford the expensive tests and treatments. We decided to pursue adoption. Agency fees were more than we could afford as well so we decided on private adoption. We began letting friends and family know that we were interested and in 2003 we got a call about a woman getting ready to have an abortion. After speaking to her she decided to cancel the appointment and allow us to adopt. In March of 2004 she changed her mind. My heart was broken. Later we learned that everything worked out perfectly for this little baby and we saw His plan in it all. In September of 2004 we received another call about a baby girl. The story is long and sadly did not work out for us. We had our Abbie for 3 short months before we had to relinquish her. If you are interested in this story you can read it here: Losing Abbie
After losing Abbie we were not ready to open our hearts to another birth mother again. In 2005 we we began fertility testing in hopes of conceiving on our own. I had a new doctor and he decided to repeat my laparscopy. I am glad that he did as my original doctor missed my endometriosis and it was now stage 3 and one tube was completely blocked. And not only that hubby no longer had any sperm. At all. We later discovered that it was a genetic defect called Sertoli-cell Only. Our chances of having a baby just got worse. At this time we switched to an RE and the testing continued. In 2007 we decided to do IUI with donor sperm. The first IUI did not go well. The donor sperm ended up having a low count after the thaw. And I got an infection. We got new vials from a different donor and tried IUI a total of 4 times. Nothing. Later I learned from 2 different RE's that our chances of IUI working were less than 5%! Really?!?! I wish that we had know that before spending the money.
We took some time off to heal from all of this disappointment. In January of 2009 we got a call that would change our life forever, but did not know it at the time. My mom called to say that my sister was pregnant. And not happy about it. She was 28 and old enough to be a mom, but she had never really wanted kids. I was so angry at God for this! I began to descend into a depression as my sister's pregnancy progressed. I began to see a Christian counselor, trying to make sense of all of this. Hubby and I had been ready to pursue Embryo Adoption the year before, but I was too depressed to consider it anymore. Several months into seeing the counselor I was ready to began this new venture. You can read how we chose the exact route of EA here: Choosing EA. We had thought that the wait for embryos would be several months, if not a year, so we thought that we would have time to save the money for the FET. God had different plan! We were matched within weeks!!! And this story is amazing in and of itself. Had we gotten on the list just a week later we would have missed these embryos. The timing was so perfect and only God could have planned it! Once we got the call I began to panic because we did not have the money for the FET. And no way to come up with it in such a short period of time. But we felt God leading us so we continued with the process, trusting Him to provide. And provide He did! Remember that call I said that changed our life? Well, my sister had her baby and it changed her. She fell so in love with her daughter and being a mommy she finally understand how badly we wanted to have a baby. Her fiance had received an inheritance and because of this new change in their life they wanted us to experience as well. They gave us the money that we needed!!!
In December of 2009 we had 2 embryos transferred and one hung around to become our little Maddie. Our miracle baby! Maddie is now 2 months old and we are so thankful for her. I would say that this is the end of our infertility journey, but it is not. We hope to have another chance next year. We would love to give Maddie a sibling or two. So instead of saying The End we hope to say To Be Continued.....
Have you shared your story lately?
Monday, October 25, 2010
An infertile girl...
A few posts ago I mentioned that I was still an infertile girl living in a fertile world. That phrase struck a chord with several fellow bloggers that now have a child. Miss Maddie is now 2 months old and though I thoroughly enjoy my new role as a mother, I still struggle with where I fit in. I will be honest, I was not expecting this. And I am a bit angry that infertility has stolen this from me as well. Yes, I can discuss diaper brands and spitting up with the best of them, but I still feel like I am on the outside looking in. Like I don't fully belong. And it is no one's fault as other mothers treat me as though I am a regular ole fertile woman. But in my heart I know the truth. Conception will never be easy for us. And the past 11 years cannot be erased in 9 short months.
My pastor's wife recently asked me about a friend and if they were ttc yet. Unfortunately I had to tell her that they were having trouble. During the course of this conversation she mentioned that I must have really enjoyed Mother's Day this year and I immediately teared up, but not for reasons she assumed. It was not because I was overcome with joy thinking of Mother's Day, but because the feelings of sadness and inadequacy came flooding back in a rush. She was very kind and listened to me as I explained that though I was very thankful for my miracle baby it will be some time before my bruised heart will fully embrace a day that has been so painful for me for many years. A day that many of my friends still dread.
A part of me hates that infertility is still a part of me, but there are times that I am thankful for it as well. A few weeks ago I attended a bridal shower for a friend that was afraid that she would never marry. We shared the common bond of not belonging. She without a husband, me without a child. During the course of the night she shared her heart. She struggled with being single while watching her friends marry, wondering what God's plan was for her. I am not sure how or why, but I shared a bit of our struggle with infertility and understanding His plan in all of this madness. I thought nothing of this conversation until yesterday. A relative of the bride, someone I had never met, told me that something I had said spoke to her. She then shared of her and her husband's 2 year struggle to conceive. It broke my heart to hear it and I wished that I could make it all go away. But I cannot. What I can do is pray for them and offer a listening ear if ever she needs it. It is at times like this that I am very thankful that I remember what infertility feels like. It gives infertility a reason, a purpose. Without moments like this my struggle was in vain.
My pastor's wife recently asked me about a friend and if they were ttc yet. Unfortunately I had to tell her that they were having trouble. During the course of this conversation she mentioned that I must have really enjoyed Mother's Day this year and I immediately teared up, but not for reasons she assumed. It was not because I was overcome with joy thinking of Mother's Day, but because the feelings of sadness and inadequacy came flooding back in a rush. She was very kind and listened to me as I explained that though I was very thankful for my miracle baby it will be some time before my bruised heart will fully embrace a day that has been so painful for me for many years. A day that many of my friends still dread.
A part of me hates that infertility is still a part of me, but there are times that I am thankful for it as well. A few weeks ago I attended a bridal shower for a friend that was afraid that she would never marry. We shared the common bond of not belonging. She without a husband, me without a child. During the course of the night she shared her heart. She struggled with being single while watching her friends marry, wondering what God's plan was for her. I am not sure how or why, but I shared a bit of our struggle with infertility and understanding His plan in all of this madness. I thought nothing of this conversation until yesterday. A relative of the bride, someone I had never met, told me that something I had said spoke to her. She then shared of her and her husband's 2 year struggle to conceive. It broke my heart to hear it and I wished that I could make it all go away. But I cannot. What I can do is pray for them and offer a listening ear if ever she needs it. It is at times like this that I am very thankful that I remember what infertility feels like. It gives infertility a reason, a purpose. Without moments like this my struggle was in vain.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Priceless
Yesterday we attended a wedding for a friend of ours and saw some people that we had not seen in years. One man congratulated us on having a baby and said that Maddie was just "Priceless." I jokingly answered "Oh, no, she was expensive. I know exactly how much she cost. I have the receipts!". Though said in fun it saddens me that it is true. For couples struggling with infertility the cost of tests and procedures are often a deterrent. Yesterday my brother announced that he and his girlfriend are expecting. This was not planned nor welcome, but something they will make the best of. My mom said that my sister is trying for her second baby soon and then I (me) will be next. I thought it sweet that I was included and that they are so sure that we will have another child, but the truth of the matter is that there is no guarantee. Not only do we have to be matched with embryos but we have to save up the money. And even then it is, at most, a 50% chance of success.
I wanted to be angry at my brother and his girlfriend for their fertile abilities. But the truth is, I can't. They tried everything nott to get pregnant. She had just received a denial from her insurance company to have her tubes tied 2 days before she found out she was pregnant!! She is not the mothering type and already has an 11 year old son. She is not a bad mom, just not happy to be a mom. It did sting a bit when I heard their announcement, but anger did not enter the picture. I think because the only person that I could be angry at is God. They were careful not to get pregnant yet God still allowed it. I don't understand it, nor do I like it. But it is what it is. I will love this little niece or nephew like I love the others. But I do not, at all, understand why my siblings can pop out babies like Pez dispensers when it takes me many years and thousands of dollars. And I am the only one that actually wanted children. No matter where I am in my infertility journey I will never understand it. But I do know that He has a plan and my job is not to understand it, but to follow it. And right now His plan is for me to be a mom to my Priceless little girl. And pray that His plan includes another one some day in the near future.
I wanted to be angry at my brother and his girlfriend for their fertile abilities. But the truth is, I can't. They tried everything nott to get pregnant. She had just received a denial from her insurance company to have her tubes tied 2 days before she found out she was pregnant!! She is not the mothering type and already has an 11 year old son. She is not a bad mom, just not happy to be a mom. It did sting a bit when I heard their announcement, but anger did not enter the picture. I think because the only person that I could be angry at is God. They were careful not to get pregnant yet God still allowed it. I don't understand it, nor do I like it. But it is what it is. I will love this little niece or nephew like I love the others. But I do not, at all, understand why my siblings can pop out babies like Pez dispensers when it takes me many years and thousands of dollars. And I am the only one that actually wanted children. No matter where I am in my infertility journey I will never understand it. But I do know that He has a plan and my job is not to understand it, but to follow it. And right now His plan is for me to be a mom to my Priceless little girl. And pray that His plan includes another one some day in the near future.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Come on! Read me. You know you wanna!!
Welcome to my little corner of the world! Today begins October's ICLW. Not sure what that is? Click the link to the left for more info. And if you are wondering what my blog is about, let me tell you. It is about me! And infertility. And how infertility has changed my life. It is also about my journey through fertility treatments which led me to embryo adoption and consequently my beautiful baby girl. But don't worry, just because my daughter is cute as a button it doesn't mean that the blog has become all about her. She is now a part of my life, just as infertility is, and will be a part of my writing, but not the focus.
Now, what you have been waiting for.....more about ME!
*Married to my chubby hubby for 12 years. (I am chubby too, so I can say that)
*TTC for all of those years.
*Hubby has no spermies. I have a smorgasbord of issues: endo, blocked tube, mild PCOS, and my "good" ovary is damaged.
*We had 2 failed adoptions, one of which we had our daughter for 3 months when we had to relinquish her.
*We tried 4 rounds of IUI with donor sperm. No go there either! Even that sperm was defunct. Go figure!
*Last year we began the journey of Embryo Adoption through a local clinic and were very fortunate to have conceived this little beauty on our first try. Madison Grace is now 2 months old.
*Though we are on this side of infertility, it is not over. I am still an infertile girl living is a fertile world.
So please, stick around! I am quite awesome and you really don't want to miss out!!! ;-)
Now, what you have been waiting for.....more about ME!
*Married to my chubby hubby for 12 years. (I am chubby too, so I can say that)
*TTC for all of those years.
*Hubby has no spermies. I have a smorgasbord of issues: endo, blocked tube, mild PCOS, and my "good" ovary is damaged.
*We had 2 failed adoptions, one of which we had our daughter for 3 months when we had to relinquish her.
*We tried 4 rounds of IUI with donor sperm. No go there either! Even that sperm was defunct. Go figure!
*Last year we began the journey of Embryo Adoption through a local clinic and were very fortunate to have conceived this little beauty on our first try. Madison Grace is now 2 months old.
*Though we are on this side of infertility, it is not over. I am still an infertile girl living is a fertile world.
So please, stick around! I am quite awesome and you really don't want to miss out!!! ;-)
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Calling all followers and EA bloggers!
I am active on many forums and am asked quite often if I know of any other blogs about embryo adoption/donation. I have now added a list on the right side of my blog of EA/D blogs. If your blog is not listed and you would like for it to be, please let me know. If your blog IS listed and you do NOT want it to be, let me know that as well.
Also, if you follow my blog and I do not follow yours, please let me know so that I can start following you (regardless of whether you are blogging about EA/D or not). Include a link to your blog as well.
Also, if you follow my blog and I do not follow yours, please let me know so that I can start following you (regardless of whether you are blogging about EA/D or not). Include a link to your blog as well.
it led me to you
Each year, every tear...it led me to you.
Each pill, every shot....it led me to you.
Each exam, every surgery...it led me to you.
Each negative pregnancy test, every day filled with hopelessness...it led me to you.
Each moment of sadness, every year of waiting...it let me to you.
Each failed adoption, every unsuccessful treatment...it led me to you.
Each pregnancy announcement that was not my own, every Mother's Day I was alone...it led me to you.
The 11 years of infertility were worth each and every lonely, painful step...because it led me to you.
(As written to my daughter Maddie for her baby book)
Each pill, every shot....it led me to you.
Each exam, every surgery...it led me to you.
Each negative pregnancy test, every day filled with hopelessness...it led me to you.
Each moment of sadness, every year of waiting...it let me to you.
Each failed adoption, every unsuccessful treatment...it led me to you.
Each pregnancy announcement that was not my own, every Mother's Day I was alone...it led me to you.
The 11 years of infertility were worth each and every lonely, painful step...because it led me to you.
(As written to my daughter Maddie for her baby book)
Thursday, October 14, 2010
and still I cry...
Right after I gave birth to Maddie my hormones were wonky and everything made me cry. Mainly just knowing that we really had a baby was what made me so emotional. It took me so long to believe that she was really ours. Hubby and I would just look at her and the tears would flow. We still have days when our eyes well with tears. Seeing her smile or hearing her coo is the most amazing thing. We both shower her with hugs and kisses every day. It is still very surreal to us that she belongs to us.
Today I was shopping at an outlet mall. I shop there every time we visit family in PA. Usually I stop in a few children's clothing stores to look for clothes for my nieces. Today I was shopping there, but this time for my baby. I could not hold in the tears. I was so overcome with emotions knowing that this little person was mine. The dress I bought was for my daughter, not my brother's. The hat and tights were for my own baby, not a gift for another.
Each and every day I thank God for this little miracle. I feel so underserving of this little one, but thank God for choosing us to be her parents. And in the months and years to come I am sure there will be many more tears of thankfulness for this precious gift.
Today I was shopping at an outlet mall. I shop there every time we visit family in PA. Usually I stop in a few children's clothing stores to look for clothes for my nieces. Today I was shopping there, but this time for my baby. I could not hold in the tears. I was so overcome with emotions knowing that this little person was mine. The dress I bought was for my daughter, not my brother's. The hat and tights were for my own baby, not a gift for another.
Each and every day I thank God for this little miracle. I feel so underserving of this little one, but thank God for choosing us to be her parents. And in the months and years to come I am sure there will be many more tears of thankfulness for this precious gift.
Beckie's Giveaway!
Beckie, over at Beckie's Infertility Journey is hosting a giveaway. Stop over and enter to win!!!
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Different set of rules for infertiles??
Being a new mom is exhausting!! No one would dispute that fact. It was something that I knew ahead of time, but nothing can truly prepare you for it. And lately Maddie has been really fussy. Compound that crabbiness with bleary eyed exhaustion and it leaves you frustrated. But all of that I can handle. What I can't is the "reprimands" I receive from almost everyone. No one tells a fertile first time mom that "this is what you wanted". Or "just be glad that she is healthy". No, they empathize with her and reassure her that all will get better in time. So because I waited longer I am not allowed to be frustrated? Do they think that I am like a bear and was able to store up sleep over the past 12 years and now I should be fine with 3 hours a night?? Or because my house was silent for so long that the incessant crying is fun??? Just because I love my daughter does not mean I love walking around like a zombie. Or that I enjoy my house looking like ground zero. I may be infertile but I am still human! And truthfully, if a fellow infertile that was still waiting were to pass judgement I could understand it. I, too, felt that way when I was waiting. But these are fertiles and I want to slap them each time I hear one of these comments.
I am just as guilty for putting too high of expectations on myself. I want to be perfect. June Cleaver. Instead I feel more like Roseanne Barr. I am learning to go with the flow and not expect perfection. I want to look back on this time and remember Maddie's first smile, not that my house was always clean. I want to remember her new baby smell, not how I was able to find time to do the laundry and the dishes while cooking dinner every night. So if I can cut myself some slack why can't others?
So if you see that my blog goes quiet for awhile it might be that in my sleep deprived state I kicked some fertiles butt, landing myself in jail for a few weeks. At least then I could get more than 3 hours sleep a night!!!! =D
I am just as guilty for putting too high of expectations on myself. I want to be perfect. June Cleaver. Instead I feel more like Roseanne Barr. I am learning to go with the flow and not expect perfection. I want to look back on this time and remember Maddie's first smile, not that my house was always clean. I want to remember her new baby smell, not how I was able to find time to do the laundry and the dishes while cooking dinner every night. So if I can cut myself some slack why can't others?
So if you see that my blog goes quiet for awhile it might be that in my sleep deprived state I kicked some fertiles butt, landing myself in jail for a few weeks. At least then I could get more than 3 hours sleep a night!!!! =D
Saturday, October 9, 2010
A Fatectomy??
When I got married 12 years ago I was a size 8/10. It is a perfect size for me. I will never be a size 4. Never!! In my first year of marriage the weight began to pile on. And when I say pile on, I mean pile on. Like 85 lbs in one year. Seriously!! And I know that all fat people say that they have a thyroid problem, but in this case it was true. Once I was diagnosed and put on meds I quit gaining weight. The doctor assured me that the meds would make the weight fall off. Liar! I never lost a pound but was so glad to feel better and quit gaining weight that I was not too upset. Even with all of this weight gain I ever really had much of a belly. Infertility changed all of that for me though.
In 2005 I had a laparotomy (like a c-section but without the baby). After that I went from a small pooch to a big pouch. Lovely! And after that all of my weight gain migrated to that area. So I had the joy of looking pregnant but not being pregnant. It really got bad after my thyroid went wonky again and I gained another 20 lbs. All in my belly. Then, to top it all off, I had a c-section. Now I have a lovely hangy-skin belly. There goes my bikini wearing days!!! I was looking at it this morning, admiring it's flabbiness, and wishing that I could have it removed. But how? Liposuction just ain't gonna cut it! And a tummy tuck? Nope! Too much for that. Then I thought, wouldn't it be nice if they could do a fatectomy?? Just cut it off and reconstruct the area. That would be awesome!!! Hmmm....but if I did that I might need to do something about these thighs.....like...gulp.... diet or something. *shivers* I hate the "d" word!!! And this butt! Maybe they suction the fat from my butt and give me a boob job?? I am sure that I would have enough to donate to a skinny chick needing a boob job too. And maybe even get me some Angelina lips to boot. Oh, the possibilities........
In 2005 I had a laparotomy (like a c-section but without the baby). After that I went from a small pooch to a big pouch. Lovely! And after that all of my weight gain migrated to that area. So I had the joy of looking pregnant but not being pregnant. It really got bad after my thyroid went wonky again and I gained another 20 lbs. All in my belly. Then, to top it all off, I had a c-section. Now I have a lovely hangy-skin belly. There goes my bikini wearing days!!! I was looking at it this morning, admiring it's flabbiness, and wishing that I could have it removed. But how? Liposuction just ain't gonna cut it! And a tummy tuck? Nope! Too much for that. Then I thought, wouldn't it be nice if they could do a fatectomy?? Just cut it off and reconstruct the area. That would be awesome!!! Hmmm....but if I did that I might need to do something about these thighs.....like...gulp.... diet or something. *shivers* I hate the "d" word!!! And this butt! Maybe they suction the fat from my butt and give me a boob job?? I am sure that I would have enough to donate to a skinny chick needing a boob job too. And maybe even get me some Angelina lips to boot. Oh, the possibilities........
Friday, October 8, 2010
so beautifully described
Jess over at A Little Blog About Big Infertility wrote about Laura Bush and her struggle to have a baby. I will be honest, I never knew this, but I am not surprised. Infertility surrounds us, but many are reluctant to share their struggles. Jess included an excerpt from Laura Bush's book and I wanted to share it as well. I have never heard the longing for a child so beautifully described. Her words encompass the feelings and emotions that we all experience and puts it in such a way for others to understand. Here is the excerpt from her book:
For some years now, the wedding invitations that had once crowded the mailbox had been replaced by shower invites and pink-or-blue-beribboned baby announcements. I bought onesies or rattles, wrapped them in yellow paper, and delivered them to friends. I had done it with a happy wistfulness, believing that someday my time, my baby, would come. George and I had hoped that I would be pregnant by the end of his congressional run. Then we hoped it would be by the time his own father announced his presidential run, then by the presidential primaries, the convention, the general election. But each milestone came and went. The calendar advanced, and there was no baby.
The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.”
But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives.
Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?- Laura Bush
For some years now, the wedding invitations that had once crowded the mailbox had been replaced by shower invites and pink-or-blue-beribboned baby announcements. I bought onesies or rattles, wrapped them in yellow paper, and delivered them to friends. I had done it with a happy wistfulness, believing that someday my time, my baby, would come. George and I had hoped that I would be pregnant by the end of his congressional run. Then we hoped it would be by the time his own father announced his presidential run, then by the presidential primaries, the convention, the general election. But each milestone came and went. The calendar advanced, and there was no baby.
The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.”
But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives.
Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?- Laura Bush
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Just heartbreaking
There are some stories that you hear that make you sad. Others that burden you. And some that just break your heart. The story of Leslie Joy Evans is just such a story. A few days ago another blogger posted a link to a blog about Leslie and since then my heart has been burdened for this family. Leslie and her husband, Mark, were married just over a year ago. This was Mark's second marriage. His first wife passed away two years prior to this and he had 2 children. Not long after they were married they found that they were expecting twins. The rest is directly from the blog:
At 19 weeks pregnant on a Sunday morning, Leslie's water broke. They rushed her to the hospital where they immediately admitted her. They found out that it was just a tear in the amniotic sac, so she wasn't losing all of the amniotic fluid. Since they were fraternal twins, it was only baby A's sac that had torn. Baby B was fine.
The doctors wanted to keep her in the hospital, because of an infection risk and could go in to labor at any time. But they were very positive. Leslie was also very positive and would do anything it took to help her babies progress in the pregnancy. She even hung at such an angle that she joked she was hanging like a bat.
Leslie remained in the hospital for two weeks before she went in to labor with the twins. At 12:15pm on Sunday, September 26, baby A was born. Marisa was stillborn. Not long after, she started delivering baby B. Mac was alive, but his lungs were not developed enough to live. Leslie did get to see both of her babies. During the delivery of the placenta, Leslie looked as though she had passed out. But within seconds they realized she had gone into cardiac arrest. A nurse jumped on top of her and immediately started doing CPR and gave her oxygen and resuscitation medicine. Leslie was down for 17 minutes before they were able to revive her.
Today the blog posted the sad news that Leslie has gone home. For Leslie today is a day of rejoicing. She is holding her little ones and with her Lord. For Mark, her step children and her family today is a day of mourning. My heart is breaking for this family. Please take a moment to lift this family up in prayer in the days to come. They are definitely going to need it.
At 19 weeks pregnant on a Sunday morning, Leslie's water broke. They rushed her to the hospital where they immediately admitted her. They found out that it was just a tear in the amniotic sac, so she wasn't losing all of the amniotic fluid. Since they were fraternal twins, it was only baby A's sac that had torn. Baby B was fine.
The doctors wanted to keep her in the hospital, because of an infection risk and could go in to labor at any time. But they were very positive. Leslie was also very positive and would do anything it took to help her babies progress in the pregnancy. She even hung at such an angle that she joked she was hanging like a bat.
Leslie remained in the hospital for two weeks before she went in to labor with the twins. At 12:15pm on Sunday, September 26, baby A was born. Marisa was stillborn. Not long after, she started delivering baby B. Mac was alive, but his lungs were not developed enough to live. Leslie did get to see both of her babies. During the delivery of the placenta, Leslie looked as though she had passed out. But within seconds they realized she had gone into cardiac arrest. A nurse jumped on top of her and immediately started doing CPR and gave her oxygen and resuscitation medicine. Leslie was down for 17 minutes before they were able to revive her.
Today the blog posted the sad news that Leslie has gone home. For Leslie today is a day of rejoicing. She is holding her little ones and with her Lord. For Mark, her step children and her family today is a day of mourning. My heart is breaking for this family. Please take a moment to lift this family up in prayer in the days to come. They are definitely going to need it.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Focusing on what is really important.
I have posted in the past about how sad that I have been about never seeing myself in my child, even though Maddie looks a great deal like us. Today I was just looking at her and loving her and realized that I will see myself in her in ways that are important. It doesn't matter if she has my eyes or not, but it does matter if she has a heart for God. She may not have my curly hair but she can have my passion for reading. Maybe she won't have hubby's chin but she can have his love of laughter and sense of humor. Her physical characteristics are not important, but her character is. It is in this way that we can see ourselves in our Maddie.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
An Award!!!
I want to thank Shannon over at Room For More for giving me this award!
The rules of the "One Lovely Blog Award" are as follows:
Accept your award and post it on your blog along with a link to the person who has sent it to you. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you have newly discovered. You must contact the person to let them know that you have chosen them to receive the award.
Lex at Beauty for Ashes
Jess at A Little Blog About Big Infertility
Amber at Great Anticipation
Jonelle at In The Middle With You
ks at Inconceivable?!?!?
happymomof2 at Lost With Infertility in a Fertile World
Brittani at My Happily Ever After
Suzy at Not a Fertile Myrtle
Michelle at All in God's Time
Rachell at Barrenista
Rebecca at A Road Less Traveled
Libby at Something Happened on the Way to Baby
Friday, October 1, 2010
From PI to SI......
When we first were diagnosed with PI (primary infertility) I had very little compassion on anyone suffering from SI (secondary infertility). I mean, seriously, you already have one child and now you are whining because you can't have another all while I just want one?? Man, did I have a lot to learn! After about 6 years of infertility I joined the Stepping Stones forum and I met many wonderful women, many dealing with SI. Through this I learned that wanting a second or third baby is not like wanting a second car or a new house. It is not discontent with the child that you have, it is a natural desire to add to your family. It is about having so much love to share and wanting to nurture and raise more children. I began to have compassion on these women. And now I am one...sort of....
Embryo Adoption is....well....unique. Technically I do not have a biological child, yet I have given birth. In some ways I am an adoptive mom and still suffering from PI. But given that I gave birth to this adopted child I am now more SI than PI. So I consider myself to have SI and am surprised by the emotions that I feel now. Even given what I have learned from other SI women it has thrown me for a loop. I thought for sure that once I had a baby that I would be content for awhile. That is not the case. I am wanting to be pregnant again. Right now! During the 11 years of infertility I was always aware of what I was missing, but now that I have experienced it firsthand, I really know what I was missing. And it terrifies me that I may never get to experience it again. I loved being pregnant and it saddens me that there is no guarantee that I will ever get to do it again. My hubby has told me that I need to rest and trust in Him and he is right. I just love my Maddie so much and I want to give her a sibling or two. I want a house full of littles, running around and making messes. I hate that infertility has made it so difficult for me to have this. It also hurts me more now to see other women still waiting. I want this for all of you! It seems so unfair that all of us cannot experience pregnancy and being a mother. Our bodies were made to do this and I will never understand why infertility exists. My head knows that God has His reasons, but my bruised heart has a harder time accepting it.
Embryo Adoption is....well....unique. Technically I do not have a biological child, yet I have given birth. In some ways I am an adoptive mom and still suffering from PI. But given that I gave birth to this adopted child I am now more SI than PI. So I consider myself to have SI and am surprised by the emotions that I feel now. Even given what I have learned from other SI women it has thrown me for a loop. I thought for sure that once I had a baby that I would be content for awhile. That is not the case. I am wanting to be pregnant again. Right now! During the 11 years of infertility I was always aware of what I was missing, but now that I have experienced it firsthand, I really know what I was missing. And it terrifies me that I may never get to experience it again. I loved being pregnant and it saddens me that there is no guarantee that I will ever get to do it again. My hubby has told me that I need to rest and trust in Him and he is right. I just love my Maddie so much and I want to give her a sibling or two. I want a house full of littles, running around and making messes. I hate that infertility has made it so difficult for me to have this. It also hurts me more now to see other women still waiting. I want this for all of you! It seems so unfair that all of us cannot experience pregnancy and being a mother. Our bodies were made to do this and I will never understand why infertility exists. My head knows that God has His reasons, but my bruised heart has a harder time accepting it.
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