Our journey through infertility, failed adoptions and now parenthood through the miracle of embryo adoption/donation.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Why is it that....

people feel the need to offer reassurance about something that they have no control over? When we were ttc people would tell us that they "knew" we would one day be parents. Really?? Did God send them a text with this information? A vision? What? And what about those now in their 50's that never had children? Were they sure that they would not be parents? Or did they offer the same false assurances to them as well?

Now that I am facing preeclampsia I am hearing it again. People want to assure me that all will be fine. Honestly, I am choosing to believe that all will be well. But do I know this for certain? Of course not!! Anything can happen and until Maddie is born and safely in my arms those fears will exist. Telling me that you are "sure everything will be fine" is not reassuring! There are too many women out there that thought the same thing and it was not true for them. Things happen!

Some like to tell me that God would not have brought us this far just to take Maddie. Really? Do they honestly believe this? How many times have we seen or heard of the death of a little one? I have been to 2 infant funerals of full term babies and I am sure that their mothers would have loved to have had the assurance that nothing could have gone wrong that late in the game. But it did! I don't claim to understand the reasoning behind God's choices nor do I even agree with them, but they are His choices and He has a reason for them. I am not exempt from them either. My Maddie is His and whatever happens is His choice. I choose to remain optimistic and refuse to worry, but I also need to be cautious and put my trust in Him.

I also find it ironic that this advice has only come from fertiles and have never faced a loss of any kind. Infertiles and those that have faced loss know all too well how things can happen all too well. I wish that people would learn to just say "I am praying for you and Maddie" and leave it at that. Is that really so hard to do??


  1. Jess I will say that I hope everything will be well. That I'm sure you'll get excellent medical care and attention. That you'll be in my thoughts and prayers until we can welcome Maddy into the World. Love, Fran

    ps: happy ILCW also!

  2. You ARE in my prayers. How about "Everything will be fine because God is in control." Which doesn't mean that nothing bad will happen, but just that He will get us through. Our pastor just gave an amazing sermon today that said that God brings us to a battle when he knows that WE know we will not fail with God on our side. At first I thought that made God sound so mean! But then I realized that it actually makes God very loving. He knows that we will find out we can pull through with his help. He said he learned this the week when both his oldest child got married and his youngest was born. His wife had an aburption, and their son was born 2 months early. Scary. So no matter what comes, He is in control!

    I know what you mean about the unhelpful advice that God wouldn't do that. With our disrupted adoption, I had several people say that God wouldn't make it seem so perfect and maybe the birthmom was going to change her mind again. That always made me mad.

  3. I wish there was a way to school all fertile so they learn what they should and shouldn't say!

    I am saying a little prayer for you and your little Maddie!

    ICLW #97

  4. I think some people say those things to make THEMSELVES feel better about the situation. It's easier than standing with you and putting themselves in your shoes. That may sound harsh, but I've pretty much heard it all with the sudden "natural" death of my brother and then with my miscarriages. My aunt even gave me the pregnant Wi.llow Tr.ee angel AFTER I learned that my second pregnancy was in trouble. I think it made HER feel better. I've often been tempted to start a fire with it now :0

    I'll just say I hope and pray that baby Maddie is delivered safe and sound.

  5. I agree with Libby - it's to make themselves feel all warm and fuzzy because they said something "encouraging". Warm and fuzzy feels better than feeling stupid because they don't know what to say. They try to convince themselves that bad things won't happen because its uncomfortable to think about.
    By the way - still praying for you and baby. And this is one of my ICLW comments for the night. :D
    #166 Bethanie

  6. Sending you lots of prayers.

    An ICLW Visit from #107 (mfi, speedskating, strength)
    liddy @ the unfair struggle

  7. So sorry that people dont have a clue. I think that people who pop out babies and never have one issue should have to read your blog! Just so they know what it is really like and no, it is always okay! I love reading your blog! Im so sorry for the obsticles in your life to get to where you are now.. but im thankful that you write out how you feel! It does really help to read!


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