Our journey through infertility, failed adoptions and now parenthood through the miracle of embryo adoption/donation.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Thinking of my babies

During our years of infertility my hubby and I have tried to adopt. Twice. The first time was in 2004. It was a private adoption and a week before I was to travel out of state to go with the birth mother to have an ultrasound and find out the gender I received an email telling me that she needed more time. I remember sitting there feeling as my whole world had crumbled. Hubby had left to go out of town and I remember calling him in tears and telling him the news. We wept together, knowing that this was the end. It was the last time that I ever heard from the birth mother.

One year later, on August 2nd, 2005 (and after our 2nd failed adoption attempt) I was searching online and came across some posts written by the birth mother. I learned that the baby was a boy and that it was his 1st birthday. I had wondered what had happened to him but did not believe that I would know this side of heaven. Finding out his birth and adoption story gave me a bit of closure. Basically his mother decided to go with an agency instead for reasons that I can only speculate. She chose a couple that was there for Noah's birth, even cutting the cord. Shortly thereafter it was determined that Noah had Down's Syndrome and the family was not equipped to handle a special needs child. They declined the adoption and Noah was later adopted by a family that only wanted children with Down's.

Finding all of this out did my heart good. Had we continued with the adoption there is no way that I could have walked away from the baby, regardless of his health problems. The problem would have been that my hubby travels a lot and I would be caring for him alone much of the time and this would have been extremely difficult. I look back and am thankful that the decision was taken out of my hands. I truly believe that Noah is where he is supposed to be, with a family that was fully prepared to care for his needs.

Even though I know Noah is where he is supposed to be I still miss him. I know that I never met him, but he was my child in my heart. Noah will be 6 years old tomorrow. And our Abbie is now 5 1/2 years old. How different life would have been had they both stayed here with us. I am forever grateful for my little Maddie, but I still love these two that are missing from my arms tonight. But wherever they are God is watching over them and that does my heart good.


  1. Im so glad you got to find out about Noah.. not that it lessens the missing of him. But it is comforting at times to finally see the "why" behind events that happen in our lives.

    Im sorry for the your loss! Praying for yoU!

  2. After losing our two children recently, I can definitely identify with your pain. :(

  3. I can relate. We had 2 failed adoptions. We actually had a Noah who we were going to adopt. He was born without most of his brain (this was unknown prior to birth). We were told that his short life would require more than we were equipt to handle. We prayed about it and felt a definately "no". Saying goodbye to him was the HARDEST think I have ever done. Ever. But God had a plan. He was preparing the heart of another couple to adopt him. And then we had little Elizabeth who came to us for 2 days. Her birth mother changed her mind. I pray for her all the time.

  4. Adoption can be so heart wrenching. I knew a girl through the blogs that went through a failed adoption. I was so upset with her. It would be so difficult to be chosen and then to have the birthmother change her mind.

    I guess things always turn out the way they are supposed to, even if we can't see it in the moment.


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