Thinking of my babies

During our years of infertility my hubby and I have tried to adopt. Twice. The first time was in 2004. It was a private adoption and a week before I was to travel out of state to go with the birth mother to have an ultrasound and find out the gender I received an email telling me that she needed more time. I remember sitting there feeling as my whole world had crumbled. Hubby had left to go out of town and I remember calling him in tears and telling him the news. We wept together, knowing that this was the end. It was the last time that I ever heard from the birth mother.

One year later, on August 2nd, 2005 (and after our 2nd failed adoption attempt) I was searching online and came across some posts written by the birth mother. I learned that the baby was a boy and that it was his 1st birthday. I had wondered what had happened to him but did not believe that I would know this side of heaven. Finding out his birth and adoption story gave me a bit of closure. Basically his mother decided to go with an agency instead for reasons that I can only speculate. She chose a couple that was there for Noah's birth, even cutting the cord. Shortly thereafter it was determined that Noah had Down's Syndrome and the family was not equipped to handle a special needs child. They declined the adoption and Noah was later adopted by a family that only wanted children with Down's.

Finding all of this out did my heart good. Had we continued with the adoption there is no way that I could have walked away from the baby, regardless of his health problems. The problem would have been that my hubby travels a lot and I would be caring for him alone much of the time and this would have been extremely difficult. I look back and am thankful that the decision was taken out of my hands. I truly believe that Noah is where he is supposed to be, with a family that was fully prepared to care for his needs.

Even though I know Noah is where he is supposed to be I still miss him. I know that I never met him, but he was my child in my heart. Noah will be 6 years old tomorrow. And our Abbie is now 5 1/2 years old. How different life would have been had they both stayed here with us. I am forever grateful for my little Maddie, but I still love these two that are missing from my arms tonight. But wherever they are God is watching over them and that does my heart good.