Introducing............

Madison Grace! I have some fantastic pictures ordered and once I receive them I will upload them for all to see. This one was on our way home this past Saturday. I am sorry that it has taken so long to post a photo and her birth story, but things have been a bit hectic.

Last Monday night I went into the hospital to be induced. At 10 pm they started Pitocin. I started out at 2 cm and if things went well she was scheduled to arrive on Tuesday afternoon. Things did not go well. By midnight I was having contractions but nothing bad enough to need an epidural. Through the night I dilated to 3 cm. At 7 am my doctor broke my water hoping to speed things up. He also upped the pitocin. At this time it looked like Maddie would not arrive until later that evening. All through the day they checked me. I stayed at 3 cm forever!! Then I would move a half of a cm. By 10 pm I was only to 5 cm. My doctor again upped the pitocin. And I now had an epidural. I finally got to 7 cm early Wednesday morning but my contractions were never strong enough to move. My doctor really did not want to do a c-section if there was any way to avoid it. We held out as long as well could, but after 36 hours of labor and my water being broken for more than 24 there was no other option.

At 9 am on Wednesday morning I was wheeled to the OR. At 9:16 we heard her first cry. It was amazing!!! But between the drugs, nausea and fatigue I could not hold her or even care to see her. I felt horribly guilty about that, but know that it was out of my control. After about an hour my body began to relax and I held my precious little girl and everything else melted away. All I could do was hug her and kiss her. She was beautiful. She was perfect. She was mine!!

On Thursday morning she had developed jaundice and was kept under the photo therapy lights all day except for feedings, and then she was brought to me for those. It was so hard to be separated from her! On Friday they took pity on me and brought the whole bed and light into my room so that I could at least see her. It was hard to have her so close and not be able to hold her though. Thankfully they allowed her to come home with me on Saturday and she is using a Bili Bed at home. She is being retested tomorrow and we are praying that her levels are down so that we can discontinue using the bed. I just want her near me at all times and hate that she has to be in her bed all day.

All in all things are going great. She is a very good baby! She sleeps well and eats well. I am trying to nurse but because of the jaundice I have had to supplement with formula and she prefers that to breast milk. She likes to be lazy and let the bottle do all of the work! I am hoping that I can return to just nursing soon, but we will have to see how things go.

I am recovering well from the surgery, though it is not fun! I am very sore and am ready to be up and about again. Daddy is loving every minute of having his Maddie home.

I think that about sums it all up. But then again I am hopped up on percocet so I may have just typed a bunch of gibberish!! ;-)

Maddie is finally here!

Madison Grace was born this morning at 9:16. She was 8 lbs, 4 oz and 21 inches long. She has a a lot of dark hair and chubby cheeks. I will post a photo once I return home. I will also tell her birth story which was long and arduous, but so worth it! Thank you for all of the prayers!

Maddie will be here tomorrow!

I went to my appointments today and my BP was slightly elevated, but nothing to get too excited about. Then he checked me and the baby has dropped some and I have thinned out enough that I am being induced tomorrow! I go in tonight at 9pm to start pitocin and he will increase it in the morning and break my water if necessary. Maddie should arrive tomorrow afternoon! I can't believe that this is really happening. I am so excited yet so scared. After 11 years we are actually going to be parents. We will have a daughter. A baby. One that no one can take away. Just....wow! I knew that this was going to happen but it still seems so unreal. I will update tomorrow or Wednesday when I can.

Just what is Embryo Adoption?

I was reading a comment on a blog that was asking some questions about EA and I realized just how foreign of a concept it is to someone that has never heard of it before. I first learned of EA about 3 or 4 years ago so I have had time to learn much about it and take it for granted that everyone knows about it. But that is not true for many people and I want to take a few moments to explain just what EA is and how it is accomplished.

Embryo Adoption vs. Embryo Donation

You will hear these two terms used interchangeably when researching embryo adoption (EA) and may wonder what the difference is. There really is no difference between the two, though the term adoption is used when a home study is required and donation is used when the procedure is done through a clinic with an anonymous donation. Some prefer the term adoption to donation for personal reasons, but in the end they are the same thing.


What IS embryo adoption/donation?

When a couple undergoes IVF to add to their family ofttimes there are embryos that are frozen for later use. Sometimes the couple are unable to use these embryos (family is complete, cannot afford more treatments, spouse passes away, health reasons, etc) and the couple must choose the fate of these tiny frozen lives. They have three options:

1) Donate them for research
2) Discard them
3) Allow another couple to use them

Option number 3 is where EA comes in to play. This couple can either donate them anonymously to a clinic for another couple to use or they can choose a family for a more open donation/adoption. The recipient couple then has the embryos thawed and transferred to the woman. If it results in a pregnancy she will, in all actuality, be carrying and giving birth to her adopted child. The child(ren) will not share any genetics with the recipient couple. This makes it a great option for couples that have no sperm or egg issues as neither of which are used from the recipient couple.

How much does EA cost?

The costs vary tremendously by clinic and whether you choose to go the "adoption" route or the "donation" route. It can be as little as $1500 and go up to about $8000.


How long does it take for a match?

This varies as well. Some couples use the site Miracle's Waiting and have been matched in just days, others years. Most clinics have a wait list of about 6-12 months, but again, this can vary. Ours took about a month through our clinic.

Embryo Adoption is very near and dear to my heart as my little Maddie is here (or almost here) because of this miracle. We went through a clinic and it was anonymous so we do not know the donor couple. But I love them! Their selfless gift gave us the chance to be parents. And after 11 long years we honestly never thought that this would be possible. But it is also a wonderful choice because it gets these little babycicles out of the freezer and gives them a chance at life.

If anyone has questions about EA please feel free to ask me! And if I cannot answer your questions I am sure that there are other bloggers more than willing to answer them for you.

My lumpy bumpy...incognito

For most of the pregnancy I have whined about the fact that I have not had a cute, round baby bump. Yes, it is my fault. I am a chubby chick. But it didn't change the fact that I wanted to experience every pregnancy related thing and looking pregnant ranked pretty high on my list as did maternity photos. At my baby shower in July I took my first baby bump photo and it was good. The shirt that I was wearing helped a lot. I have worn clothes that made me look pregnant since i was about 5 months along. And for a chubby gal that is not easy to do. I spent the last 11 years trying not to look pregnant, now here I am trying my darndest to "show". Then yesterday my mom called and said that my uncle wanted a current photo of me and my bump. I groaned. I know that I am bigger but I still have a B shaped belly and when I sit down it morphs into a squishy mass of fat cells. But I had hubby take one for me anyway. And Holy Cow!! I am huge! I was shocked at just how large my belly has gotten. It is still a B belly, but with the right pose and shirt you can hardly tell. I showed my sister the photo and she talked me into going to get maternity photos done. So I did! And I am so glad that I did. I have tried to embrace my belly and these photos really do that, lumpy bumpy and all. So without further ado, here they are:

August ICLW

Originally I had not planned on participating this month as I was supposed to be in the hospital having a baby this week, but she is being stubborn so I decided to join in! Here is a little bit about me:

*Married 12 year, ttc 11 of them.

*If there is an infertility diagnosis, we have it: endo, PCOS, blocked tube and azoospermia. We are lucky like that!

*We tried adoption twice but neither worked out.

*We tried four IUIs with donor sperm and no luck there either.

*In 2009 we started down the road of embryo adoption. Things moved quickly and after our FET in December of 2009 we were shocked to find that I was pregnant! I am due with a baby girl on August 30th.

Infertility has been an unexpected journey, one that I never signed up for. A ride that I thought would never end. Even now as I am crossing over into a new journey the affects of infertility are still with me. I am an infertile. This will not change whether we have one child or ten.

Trivializing Infertility

I recently read a blog post on the AFA Blog about actor Neil Patrick Harris and his partner using a surrogate to have a child. They are expecting twins. You can read the blog post here. I was very disappointed to see this story featured on an infertility blog. I have my personal feelings regarding gay and lesbian couples having children but that is not where my disappointment stems from. What bothers me is that someone is trying to include alternative relationships as a form of infertility. Really? How can you call a gay relationship a medical condition? Because infertility is a medical condition! To include alternative lifestyles in the realm of infertility trivializes the medical aspect of infertility. How can you compare the two? I am not denying the fact that gays and lesbians have the right to have a family. That is their choice. Nor do I think that it is any less painful for a gay or lesbian couple. But I do not agree with calling it infertility.

Any thoughts on this? Please share!

Some hot food, some hot lovin'....

gonna get this baby outta the oven!! That is the plan for today. I went to bed last night with a horrible migraine so today I went to see my chiropractor. While there he did some acupressure to help induce labor. Almost immediately I began cramping but no contractions. Yet! I am hopeful though. After that I picked up some spicy Chinese food. Maddie is not happy about that at all! She has been kicking me like crazy. I informed her that if she did not like it she could leave!! Tonight hubby has to perform his husbandly duties to help speed things along. Hopefully Maddie will allow it. So far at the mere mention of sex she starts going berserk. Nothing like gettin' busy with a baby kicking you. Usually we just don't, but tonight she will just have to cover her ears and ignore us! ;-) Again, if she doesn't like it, she knows where the exit is.

Today is not ":the day"

So no baby today. Probably not even this week. My BP was fantastic and I have no swelling so there is not urgency at this time. I am still 1 cm and no further progress on my own except my cervix is slightly softer, but not enough yet. He gave me the option to try inducing me again or to wait until next week. Because of the increased risk of a c-section I chose to wait. I am not happy about it, but I cannot put myself or Maddie through a long induction process and possibly a c-section jut for the sake of convenience. He was happy with my decision as well. I have another BPP and NST on Thursday and if my BP is elevated it will change everything and he will induce me then, but it is doubtful that that will be the case.

While I am so happy that everything is going well, I am incredibly frustrated!! For 4 weeks the plan was to have her this week and I have been all ready for her to arrive this week. Adding another week of bed rest is not fun!!! But I can do it for Maddie. Maybe she will just come on her own this week!!!

So many mixed emotions

Recently my sleeping patterns have changed. I still wake up several times a night to go potty and I go right back to sleep until about 5am. For some reason I cannot return to sleep after that potty break. Maybe it is because I wake up hungry! Today was no different. I just finished some breakfast and am waiting to start getting ready for my doctor's appointment. The house is quiet and I am left here with time to think. Today could be "the day". The day that our life changes. Forever. It is exciting, but it is also overwhelming. Not so much labor and delivery, though that is a bit scary. No, it is more the fact that life as I have known it for 12 years will no longer exist. And they have been a very good 12 years. Infertility cast a shadow on those years but they were still wonderful years. I love spending time with my hubby. He is my best friend and we never run out of things to talk about. Maddie will just be an addition to the beautiful life that we have together and I am excited to embark on this part of the journey. But there is a part of me that is sad to see the old me depart. The infertile me. Don't get me wrong, I am glad that I stepping into a new role. Infertility was never fun! But this is me, infertility and all. It made me who I am and I am proud of the person that I have become. Okay, maybe not proud of everything, but it taught me things that I may have never learned otherwise. Just as motherhood will.

So today I may say goodbye to this part of my life but I am excited to begin the next chapter!

If one more person....

If one more person tells me that Maddie will "come when she is ready" or that I need to "be patient" and I will "have the rest of my life with her" I am going to freaking scream! Yes, I am a first time mom. Yes, I want to meet my little one. Yes, I am uncomfortable and feel like an huge beached whale. But that has absolutely nothing to do with my impatience right now. I have been on bed rest for a month and I hate it! But even that is not enough for me to want her to come early. I have mild preeclampsia. I have heard of pre-e and I knew that it was potentially dangerous. What I didn't know was that mild pre-e can drive you loony! I have a list of things (headache, seeing spots, sudden swelling, etc) that I have to watch for and any of them could indicate a serious situation. What makes it even worse is that I have been having migraines and they mimic pre-e headaches. It can be a bit nerve racking. Pre-e is a very serious condition that can change almost instantly. And now that my blood pressure is running a bit higher I am even more at risk. THIS is why I want Maddie to arrive. Sitting here hoping and praying that my body does not cause my baby harm is not a fun place to be. My OB is fantastic and watching me carefully. He is trying to keep both of safe as well as try to avoid a c-section if at all possible. He wants Maddie to stay where she is as long as it is healthy for her and me. So wanting Maddie to arrive is not just a matter of convenience, but a health issue. And if one more person acts like I am just impatient you may see me on the nightly news, whooping someone's hiney!!!

Infertility Hindsight

Next week my life will change. I will be crossing over the infertility finish line and embark on a new journey. I will not lose my status as an infertile, I will just be adding the title of mother along with it. A fertile infertile if you will. As I think on these changes I am reflecting on the past and how infertility has affected me. There are many, many good qualities and lessons that I learned through it all. But, sadly, there are many things that I wish that I had done differently. What caused all of this reflection is something that has happened, or not happened, over the past few weeks. I have been on bed rest for about 4 weeks and only one person from my church has called me to check on me. My first reaction is to be hurt and angry. Then the more I thought about it I realized that this is my fault. It is my fault because I have allowed infertility to dictate my life.

Some background: My hubby and I were diagnosed 11 years ago with infertility. The first year I was sad, but optimistic. By year 2 it began to dictate who I was, where I went, who I spoke to, etc. During the beginning of our infertility journey we attended my home church where I grew up. Because I had been there for years I already had ties and friends there and even though it hurt to watch people move on and have children, I did not quit being their friend. I was also involved in children's ministries and continued working there even though it was not always easy. Then six years ago things drastically changed. It is a long and painful story but basically we were very hurt there and left that church to attend a different one nearby. This really was a great move for us, but I was devastated! The new church is quite different (in a good way) and many other families had moved here from my previous church so they members and staff knew that I needed time to heal before getting involved and allowed me to grow at my own pace. The problem was that I was not only hurt, I was infertile. I kept to myself. It took over 5 years before I got involved with a ministry. Previously I had been involved in several ministries and now none. I sat in the pew feeling sorry for myself for so long. Five years ago I finally forced myself to quit sucking my thumb and begin working in junior church and began to feel like I belonged in this church. But I still had not developed many friendships. Now I am paying for this.

I know that the people are praying for me and they ask my hubby about me often, but none feel close enough to call me personally. No one has offered to provide a meal or offer to help me with anything. My first reaction is to cry, but that is not fair. In the six years that I have been there I have never called anyone to check on them or offered to help someone in need. How dare I ask them to treat me any differently than I have treated them? I did this to myself. All I was trying to do was insulate myself from hurt but instead I isolated myself from everything and everyone. All because of infertility.

Now as I look back I realize how I allowed infertility to dictate everything about me! I now wonder how many positive experiences I have missed out on because of it. How many friends have I sacrificed? This saddens me to no end! I am shocked at just how much infertility has overtaken my life! If I had it to do over again there are somethings that I would definitely do differently.

*I would not assume that all infertiles would hurt me. Yes, seeing families would be painful, but not intentionally. I would have allowed myself to build friendships with those that had children, though I would still exclude those that were hurtful.

*I would have gotten involved in a children's ministry years earlier. Maybe not the nursery or toddlers, but junior church or preteens.

*Though I may not have been able to attend baby showers I would have taken the time to purchase a gift for each baby. It is not the baby or the mother's fault that I am infertile and they deserved to recognized even if it was painful for me.

*I would have shown myself friendly instead of sitting in my pew sulking. Shaking some one's hand or asking how they were doing is not too much to ask. I wore such a shield of protection around me I was not approachable.

*When someone was hurting I would have sent a card of sympathy. If they were ill I would have provided a meal. I would have taken the time to show people that I care.

I know that in the days and weeks to come there will be other areas that I will see the need for growth, but for now these are the ones that I hope to change. Some will be easier than others because I will now have a child and will feel like I belong, but others will still be difficult. I am still an infertile at heart and these characteristics are ingrained in me. But i can change. And I will.

Have you allowed infertility to change you? Is it holding you back? Are there areas in your life that need growth?

Update on my little diva

After 12 hours of Cervidil and 5 hours of Pitocin they sent me home. My little diva refuses to come out!! I am only 1 cm dilated and only starting to thin out. Maddie has yet to drop either. So basically nothing happened. After 17 hours my BP was only high 2 times so my OB decided that the risk of complications of further inducing me outweighed the risk of pre-e causing problems. So now we wait. I see him again on Tuesday and if I am starting to progress he will induce me then. If not we may need to wait a few more days and/or discuss a c-section. She is coming out next week whether she likes it or not!

Maddie has received her evction notice!

I went today for my biophysical profile and non stress test. Maddie did beautifully! At the end of it they tested my blood pressure. It was high. They asked if I had had any symptoms and I told them that I had a migraine last night that was still lingering as well as swelling in my hands and face, but I still felt pretty good. The nurse called my OB and he told them to send me over to L&D and start inducing me. Because I am not dilated or thinning at all I am on Cervidil for 12 hours then Pitocin tomorrow morning. Hopefully by then something begins to happen as my doctor will not do a c-section unless absolutely necessary. And right now my symptoms and BP are not high enough to warrant a c-section. If the meds do not work they may send me home tomorrow but the doc is hoping it will not come to that.

Please pray that my body will start to go into labor and that Maddie is born tomorrow. I really don't want this to drag out for several days!! Thanks everyone! I will update when I can.

Ignorance is not bliss

Recently, the first child ever conceived via IVF gave birth to her first child. CNN reported the story and I was reading some of the comments. I am not sure if the comments make me want to cry, scream, or just start slapping people! The ignorance that still exists concerning fertility treatments is astounding! And most of it stems from ignorance.

Some of the comments against IVF are in regards to the treatment and handling of embryos, that they are not treated as human lives. I know that many religious leaders use this reasoning to formulate their opinions about IVF and other forms of ART. One commenter stated that the Catholic Church was "opposed to the principle that there are other healthy fertilized babies in the petri dish, and the others are discarded like yesterdays dinner." (I am quoting this as the commenter's opinion, not the Catholic Church's opinion.) This statement bothers me on so many levels. To make this kind of blanket statement proves ignorance. Are all embryos treated correctly? No. But the majority are and the few that are not should not be the basis of an opinion. To me this is like saying that because one black person robbed someone then they are all thieves. Or because one Muslim killed Americans then they are all terrorists. One misdeed should not be the basis for all opinions.

Some things to consider:

Do not confuse a researcher with a fertility doctor. They are two different species. A fertility doctor's main goal is to help a woman conceive. And possibly buy a second vacation home. But regardless of his reasons his success is determined by the clinic's statistics and success rates. It is beneficial for him to take care in the creation and handling of embryos. A researcher destroys embryos and the embryos that he uses are not given to him by fertility doctors but by the patients themselves. I am against the destruction of embryos for any reason, but to blame fertility clinics and doctors for this misuse is not entirely fair. In all actuality a researcher could create his own embryos from donor sperm and donor eggs, but using already created embryos just eliminates this step.

Couples that choose to "discard" embryos "like yesterdays dinner" are most likely (but not always) those that would choose abortion if a situation warranted it. There are many, many women that believe in abortion and have had one. Because the are discarding their embryos should women no longer be allowed to conceive at all? Also, many fertile women that conceive naturally miscarry due to the embryo being of poor quality. Not all embryos survive regardless of how and where they are created. So should natural conception be regulated as well? Of course not! But don't assume that the discarded embryos in a fertility clinic are because they are "extras". Most of the time they just did not survive.

IVF is a complicated matter. Instead of people just criticizing it they need to learn about it. Ignorance and prejudices needs to be set aside and steps need to be taken to ensure that embryos are properly cared for. Couples need to be better educated on their options regarding their embryos. Costs for IVF and storage either need to come down or be covered by insurance so that less embryos would be created at a time. Many couples use their life savings or go into major debt to finance one round of IVF. Having frozen embryos allows them the option of trying a second or third time, if necessary, at a lower cost. It saddens me that a decision this large has to be based upon financial reasons, but with the costs still so high there is no help for it. Until this changes we will continue to have an over abundance of frozen embryos. Education is key, not ignorance.

Ignorance is not bliss. It is just that....ignorance.

Any day now!

I had my 37 week appointment today and my BP was elevated again and my protein continues to climb. My OB would like to induce me now but I am not dilated at all nor I am effaced. And Maddie has yet to drop. What does all this mean? It means that an induction could take 2 days!!! And I would have an increased risk of a c-section. I have my non stress test tomorrow and if my BP is high again they may induce anyway. My doctor told me to start taking my hospital bag to my appointments because they may admit me at any time.

While I am glad that Maddie will be here soon I am not happy about the possibility of a freakin' long labor! But whatever I need to do to get Maddie here safe and sound I am willing to do. And t get off of bed rest would be heavenly!

Tonight I finished packing my hospital bag. I still need to get a pair of socks or two, but I will stop and get those on the way to the hospital. Right after I get something to eat. I hope that I can eat before they induce me! I don't want to go 2 whole days without food!! Hmm...I better ask about this one. I also got my hair cut for the big event. This momma wants to look good for the photos! A friend came and cut it at my house so I did not break any bed rest rules. Tonight I am going to give myself a pedicure. Or at least try to!! Reaching my feet is near impossible at this point. I wish that I had gotten it done before my BP went up again, but since I didn't I now have to do it myself. Once that is done I will be all ready for the hospital stay. Hopefully my next post will be with pics of Miss Maddie!

way to kill the mood!

Since I have gotten pregnant hubby and I have been practising celibacy. Not on purpose, mind you, but out of necessity. In the beginning it was because there was a scare that I would lose the baby. Then after the first trimester the doctor gave the all clear but when we would I would cramp and spot. Hubby would not believe me that this was normal and refused to touch me. Since I really did not feel "in the mood" this was okay with me. I have read where some women are always in the mood, but I am not one of those. At all. Hubby was kind of disappointed over this at first, but has since gotten used to it. Especially once Maddie began moving a lot. It is kind of creepy getting busy with your belly moving around, knowing your child is right there.

Well, last night I decided that maybe a roll in the hay would be fun. Not so much the idea of sex, but the thought that maybe it would send me into labor is what made me all hot and bothered. So I waited for hubby to come to bed and was getting ready to ravish him. Okay, I am 9 months pregnant. There would be no ravishing, just me laying there like a beached whale. As he was walking to our room Maddie woke up. She is never awake at this time of night, but she must have known something was up. She moved like I have never seen her move before! Hubby rarely gets to feel her move, but this time she put on a show for him. I think that she was practising her audition for the next Jackie Chan movie!! I thought for sure she was going to kick her foot right through my belly button. This continued for about 20 minutes. If she was trying to kill the mood she was quite successful.

By this time the mood was gone, but the thoughts of starting labor pushed me on. Only to be shot down. Hubby was terrified! I am currently on bed rest and hubby refuses to touch me without a doctor's note. My OB has not said that I can't have sex, but he has not said that can either. So hubby is not gonna come near me at all. He wants me to ask at my next appointment. And for some reason I am embarrassed to ask! Which is crazy!! My OB has seen my lady bits more this pregnancy than my hubby has! There should be no shame left. So on Wednesday I am supposed to ask my OB and bring home a note for hubby!! This should be fun!

The good thing about not getting down and dirty last night was that the gas that I had been holding in while trying to be sexy, I was able to let it loose! Ahhhh! Sweet relief!!!!

Chillin' with Chubbies

Today I had my NST and on the way I had to drop off my pee jug. Have you ever carried around a bright orange pee jug? It is kind of humbling! Why must they make it bright orange? Seriously, folks! Can't we try to be a little less conspicuous? After I dropped that off I went to the local hospital for my twice weekly NST. I chose Mondays and Thursdays because I was told that they are less busy. I think someone lied to me! Usually I hate sitting in this waiting room because I feel like an impostor. Yes, I am 9 months pregnant. But I am a squishy girl and when I sit down I lose my baby bump. The fat cells morph into a very unattractive B shaped belly. But today I was in the company of fellow fatties and I was the one that looked pregnant and they did not! I stood a few times to rub my tummy and show off a bit. Made me proud! And when I sat down I made sure that my top bloused out to make me look bigger than I am. The other chubbies wore fitted tops so when they sat down their belly disappeared. Novices!

The tests went great and Maddie was actually cooperative. This was unexpected! She usually makes me stay there for over an hour which I do not mind as it is one of my only outings. But today she was quick to move around and we got out of there after about 30 minutes. Hopefully this Wednesday I will know when I will be induced. I am ready to meet my Maddie!

This just made my day!!!

Last night I had a headache and followed my doctor's orders of taking two Tylenol and rested. After 2 hours it did not go away so I called the exchange and my OB told me to take a Darvocet and if that did not get rid of it I had to go to L&D. I really resisted going as I was fairly certain that it was just a migraine but was was afraid that if it was from pre-e that I would never forgive myself for ignoring it. So at 10 pm we headed out to L&D. Thankfully everything was fine and I was right, it was just a migraine. I have suffered from migraines since I was a teenager but I have not had one since I entered the 2nd trimester and I forgot how bad they are! I woke up this morning with it still there, though not as bad as last night.

Today I had to go for a biophysical profile and non-stress test. After last night I was so not in the mood to go, but went because I will do anything for little Maddie. They did an ultrasound first and I didn't even care to watch as she never cooperates. Usually we just get to see her spine. Stubborn little snot! I mentioned to the tech that I have yet to really get to see Maddie because she is so stubborn so the tech tried to get a good look at her. And what was Maddie doing? She was covering her face with her hand. She even went so far as to wave at me while still covering her face. Like I said, stubborn! A few minutes later she let us peek at her and the tech got us a great shot of her face. I just stared at it in awe. This was my little girl!!

I brought the photo home to hubby and he just held it and cried. It was truly amazing to get to see her, not just random features that all babies share. This just made my day!!! Here she is:

yeah, I'm sexy!

So today I had another OB appointment. My BP has been fantastic so I went in thinking that he would lift some of my restrictions. How wrong I was! My BP is still great for which I am thankful, but my protein keeps climbing. Not much, but enough to signal that something could go wrong. So I had more blood work today, another 24 hour urine test next Monday and twice weekly biophysical profiles/non-stress tests at the local perinatal unit. Oh, and bed rest continues, but with less activity than before. The good news is that he is still planning on inducing at 38 weeks (less than 2 weeks from now) unless things get worse. He is not anticipating any further complications, but anything can happen. I was hoping that Miss Maddie would make her appearance before then, but she is quite content where she is right now. I am not dilated. At all. Nor am I thinning nor is she dropping. Nothing at all! I am thinking of painting a big EXIT sign in my underwear to help her find her way out!! As of right now she seems to think that my belly button is the exit door.

Now here is where I get whiny! Bed rest sucks! My back is killing me. My nursery is not completed. My fridge is almost empty. I have nothing to watch or read. I. Am. Bored! My brother is bringing the necessary tools over to finish the nursery. My hubby is feeding me. My sister and my mom will be doing some grocery shopping. And my grandmother came over and cleaned my kitchen. All while I sit here and watch. I am not a watcher. I am a doer. This is not fun! And to top it off I am constipated. Locked up tighter than Fort Knox! Do you know miserable that is??? Because of this I can't get comfortable and my clothes all feel too tight. And this heat!!! It was 100 today with a heat index over 110. Just lovely! So I am hanging out in a white tank top that barely covers my belly. No bra so you can see my ginormous National Geographic looking nipples through the fabric. And white boxer shorts. Yeah, I know, real sexy! I look like a giant marshmallow! How my hubby keeps his hands off of me I will never know!!!! ;-)

Thinking of my babies

During our years of infertility my hubby and I have tried to adopt. Twice. The first time was in 2004. It was a private adoption and a week before I was to travel out of state to go with the birth mother to have an ultrasound and find out the gender I received an email telling me that she needed more time. I remember sitting there feeling as my whole world had crumbled. Hubby had left to go out of town and I remember calling him in tears and telling him the news. We wept together, knowing that this was the end. It was the last time that I ever heard from the birth mother.

One year later, on August 2nd, 2005 (and after our 2nd failed adoption attempt) I was searching online and came across some posts written by the birth mother. I learned that the baby was a boy and that it was his 1st birthday. I had wondered what had happened to him but did not believe that I would know this side of heaven. Finding out his birth and adoption story gave me a bit of closure. Basically his mother decided to go with an agency instead for reasons that I can only speculate. She chose a couple that was there for Noah's birth, even cutting the cord. Shortly thereafter it was determined that Noah had Down's Syndrome and the family was not equipped to handle a special needs child. They declined the adoption and Noah was later adopted by a family that only wanted children with Down's.

Finding all of this out did my heart good. Had we continued with the adoption there is no way that I could have walked away from the baby, regardless of his health problems. The problem would have been that my hubby travels a lot and I would be caring for him alone much of the time and this would have been extremely difficult. I look back and am thankful that the decision was taken out of my hands. I truly believe that Noah is where he is supposed to be, with a family that was fully prepared to care for his needs.

Even though I know Noah is where he is supposed to be I still miss him. I know that I never met him, but he was my child in my heart. Noah will be 6 years old tomorrow. And our Abbie is now 5 1/2 years old. How different life would have been had they both stayed here with us. I am forever grateful for my little Maddie, but I still love these two that are missing from my arms tonight. But wherever they are God is watching over them and that does my heart good.