baby steps.....

My mission in life for the past 8 years has been to avoid babies and pg women at all costs. I would love to be one of those women that embraces her lot in life and doesn't let it affect her, but I am not. Avoidance and denial are the name of my game. Recently it seems as though God has had different plans. He has taken me out of my comfort zone (kicking and screaming) and "encouraging" me to face my demons.

About 7 months ago my younger sister announced that she was expecting. This was unexpected and not necessarily good news at the time. She has since come to accept and even anticipate the arrival of the baby, but I am not there yet. This announcement knocked my world off its axis. I had never anticipated that my sister would have a baby ever, especially not before me. There was no way that I could avoid or deny the existence of this coming attraction. I have had to grin and bear the shopping for baby clothes, ultrasound pics, and growing belly. I not only had to attend a baby shower, but I had to host it. And with the upcoming arrival of baby Bella I am now faced with the probability of being in the delivery room. I have about 6 weeks left to prepare myself for this and I am in no way ready. I am sure that I will be strong during the delivery, but alone in my car afterwards my heart will surely be ripped to shreds.

The past few months has been a time of self discovery and I am sad to say that I have not liked all of the things that I have learned. I began to see a Christian counselor at first in hopes of her commiserating with me. Now it is to help me grow. And grow I have. There have been growing pains along the way, but they have been worth it! I have now held 2 different babies, one just last night. I did not spontaneously combust nor did I turn into a pillar of salt. It wasn't easy but it felt nice to hold a baby again. I survived the baby shower and I even bought a baby gift. I have asked a total stranger when she is due and also commented on another's newborn babe.

This may all sound so trivial to most, but these are baby steps for me. I am in no way "over" my infertility, but I am better equipped to deal with it. Each day is a time to grow and learn and ofttimes I am not happy about doing so. But I am happier with the results of these growth spurts. I am hoping to one day be able to say that I am thankful for this opportunity to experience infertility, but I am not holding my breath! ;)