When we first got married I loved holidays. I love to decorate and entertain. We always had BBQs for the Fourth, Labor Day and Memorial Day. Christmas Eve was at my house and even if we did not host Thanksgiving dinner I would still decorate. And for Christmas I went all out with the decor. All year long I would look for decorations at yard sales and thrift stores, looking for items to add to my stash. I also began Christmas shopping the day after Christmas. I love holidays!!
As the years passed and all of our friends baby after baby it became difficult to host get togethers. There was no place for the kids to really play and though I had some toys there was not a lot for them to do. And I felt out of place in my own home as the moms congregated and talked diapers, feedings and sleep deprivation. Slowly the get togethers stopped. Then it seemed silly to decorate for anything other than Christmas and even that was no longer fun for me. In 2009 I only put up a tree and even that was done sparsely. It held no joy for me.
This year I anticipate the holidays. There is so much joy in my home and I can't wait to decorate and see Maddie enjoy the lights and decorations. But then I feel guilty. I should have enjoyed life a bit more before having a child. My life was a good one. We have a great marriage and a wonderful family. Looking back I should have focused more on Him than what I was missing. This is not to say that I should not have felt sadness, that was part of my life. But it became my focus and I missed out on some wonderful memories.
I can't change the past but I can embrace the now. Now is easier, I will admit it. But there are days when infertility still leaves me sad, especially knowing that Maddie may never have a sibling. But regardless of the future I am going to enjoy this holiday season.