Our journey through infertility, failed adoptions and now parenthood through the miracle of embryo adoption/donation.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Symbols of Hope



It was eleven years ago that we learned that we were infertile. It is such an ugly word, isn't it? I had suspected it to be true before we even saw a doctor, but to have it confirmed shook me to the core. Up until that time I tried to live in denial, but that was ripped away with just a few simple tests. The next year I still held onto denial and hope that the doctor was wrong. After that there was no denying that we had problems. I decided to stay optimistic though and started putting away a few baby items here and there, certain that we would have a baby one day. After about 5 years the clothing we outdated and the thoughts of keeping them saddened me so I gave them away. With them went my hope.

In 2006 we started fertility treatments and with them came renewed hope. I started buying maternity clothing sure that I would be wearing them the next year. When those failed and we were left with IVF as our only option I gave those away too. IVF was never going to happen, so why keep them? Why hope? Then I learned of EA and at the end of 2009 we had our first FET and a BFP. At first I was terrified that I would lose the baby but quickly decided that I was tired of living in constant fear and determined to enjoy every minute of the pregnancy, regardless of how long it lasted. As a symbol of this hope I purchased a few baby items.

Now we are faced with trying for baby number two and all of the uncertainties that come along with fertility treatments. I want to run and hide from the thoughts of starting over. Finding a new clinic, saving the funds, doing the testing, beginning the shots. None of it is fun and none of it guarantees us a baby. I needed something to hold on to, something to symbolize hope. A few months ago I came across a site that was giving away this pregnancy planner for free so I ordered one. I was going to pass it along to someone that was pregnant but have decided to hold onto it myself and hope that I will be using it this fall.

Do you have any items that symbolize hope for you? If so, what?

5 comments:

  1. Here from ICLW, and I'm interested in going back and reading more about your story. I am amazed (and happy for you) that after that many years, you now have a child. And I think it's a good sign that you're able to hope again, for the second one. Best of luck.

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  2. I love what you said about symbols of hope, how we keep them when we have hope, and let them go when hope seems to run out.

    I have a few, but the one that came first to mind when I read your question is a baby hat that I found one evening on a walk in the park. Even though I would usually put something like that somewhere the original owner might see it, this little hat felt like it was meant for me and my someday-baby. So I brought it home with the hope that someday my baby will wear it.

    (ICLW #168)

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  3. It is sad to look back and realize just how much our infertility has robbed us, especially when we see how it continues to rob us of our future hopes and dreams. I always try to remember all of the good that comes from the bad. That isn't always easy, but I know that it wasn't all bad.

    The one thing I have that gives me hope is my daughter. I see her and realize it happened once before after so much trial, tribulation, and heartache, so it can happen again. I hope it happens again.

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  4. I'm with Chelle, my son is my hope. I look at him and imagine him playing with a sibling and suddenly any thought that it may not happen goes flying out of my head because I can see them there, two little blonde heads playing together.

    Best of luck with your journey for number two.

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  5. Thanks for sharing your journey as well. It gives me hope. Hope I canbe blessed with a little miracle too.
    I have a "baby" drawer too. A drawer filled with faith.

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