Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Symbols of Hope
It was eleven years ago that we learned that we were infertile. It is such an ugly word, isn't it? I had suspected it to be true before we even saw a doctor, but to have it confirmed shook me to the core. Up until that time I tried to live in denial, but that was ripped away with just a few simple tests. The next year I still held onto denial and hope that the doctor was wrong. After that there was no denying that we had problems. I decided to stay optimistic though and started putting away a few baby items here and there, certain that we would have a baby one day. After about 5 years the clothing we outdated and the thoughts of keeping them saddened me so I gave them away. With them went my hope.
In 2006 we started fertility treatments and with them came renewed hope. I started buying maternity clothing sure that I would be wearing them the next year. When those failed and we were left with IVF as our only option I gave those away too. IVF was never going to happen, so why keep them? Why hope? Then I learned of EA and at the end of 2009 we had our first FET and a BFP. At first I was terrified that I would lose the baby but quickly decided that I was tired of living in constant fear and determined to enjoy every minute of the pregnancy, regardless of how long it lasted. As a symbol of this hope I purchased a few baby items.
Now we are faced with trying for baby number two and all of the uncertainties that come along with fertility treatments. I want to run and hide from the thoughts of starting over. Finding a new clinic, saving the funds, doing the testing, beginning the shots. None of it is fun and none of it guarantees us a baby. I needed something to hold on to, something to symbolize hope. A few months ago I came across a site that was giving away this pregnancy planner for free so I ordered one. I was going to pass it along to someone that was pregnant but have decided to hold onto it myself and hope that I will be using it this fall.
Do you have any items that symbolize hope for you? If so, what?
Posted by Jess at 5:10 PM