It was eleven years ago that we learned that we were infertile. It is such an ugly word, isn't it? I had suspected it to be true before we even saw a doctor, but to have it confirmed shook me to the core. Up until that time I tried to live in denial, but that was ripped away with just a few simple tests. The next year I still held onto denial and hope that the doctor was wrong. After that there was no denying that we had problems. I decided to stay optimistic though and started putting away a few baby items here and there, certain that we would have a baby one day. After about 5 years the clothing we outdated and the thoughts of keeping them saddened me so I gave them away. With them went my hope.
In 2006 we started fertility treatments and with them came renewed hope. I started buying maternity clothing sure that I would be wearing them the next year. When those failed and we were left with IVF as our only option I gave those away too. IVF was never going to happen, so why keep them? Why hope? Then I learned of EA and at the end of 2009 we had our first FET and a BFP. At first I was terrified that I would lose the baby but quickly decided that I was tired of living in constant fear and determined to enjoy every minute of the pregnancy, regardless of how long it lasted. As a symbol of this hope I purchased a few baby items.
Now we are faced with trying for baby number two and all of the uncertainties that come along with fertility treatments. I want to run and hide from the thoughts of starting over. Finding a new clinic, saving the funds, doing the testing, beginning the shots. None of it is fun and none of it guarantees us a baby. I needed something to hold on to, something to symbolize hope. A few months ago I came across a site that was giving away this pregnancy planner for free so I ordered one. I was going to pass it along to someone that was pregnant but have decided to hold onto it myself and hope that I will be using it this fall.
Do you have any items that symbolize hope for you? If so, what?
Here from ICLW, and I'm interested in going back and reading more about your story. I am amazed (and happy for you) that after that many years, you now have a child. And I think it's a good sign that you're able to hope again, for the second one. Best of luck.
ReplyDeleteI love what you said about symbols of hope, how we keep them when we have hope, and let them go when hope seems to run out.
ReplyDeleteI have a few, but the one that came first to mind when I read your question is a baby hat that I found one evening on a walk in the park. Even though I would usually put something like that somewhere the original owner might see it, this little hat felt like it was meant for me and my someday-baby. So I brought it home with the hope that someday my baby will wear it.
(ICLW #168)
It is sad to look back and realize just how much our infertility has robbed us, especially when we see how it continues to rob us of our future hopes and dreams. I always try to remember all of the good that comes from the bad. That isn't always easy, but I know that it wasn't all bad.
ReplyDeleteThe one thing I have that gives me hope is my daughter. I see her and realize it happened once before after so much trial, tribulation, and heartache, so it can happen again. I hope it happens again.
I'm with Chelle, my son is my hope. I look at him and imagine him playing with a sibling and suddenly any thought that it may not happen goes flying out of my head because I can see them there, two little blonde heads playing together.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck with your journey for number two.
Thanks for sharing your journey as well. It gives me hope. Hope I canbe blessed with a little miracle too.
ReplyDeleteI have a "baby" drawer too. A drawer filled with faith.