Our journey through infertility, failed adoptions and now parenthood through the miracle of embryo adoption/donation.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Sometimes I worry

Did you see O.prah yesterday? She announced that she had a long lost half sister. I am not as interested in them reuniting as I am the sister's story itself. In case you didn't catch the show she was the 4th child born and her mother signed over her rights before she left the hospital. This was back in 1963 so adoption was much different back then. This baby was in the hospital for one month then bounced around from foster home to foster home until she was adopted at the age of seven. Even then she did not have a great life. Several things about this story broke my heart. First, that she was not adopted right away. I know that it was the 60's and she was African American, but how could someone not scoop her up and love her, regardless of racial tensions? My hubby and I, while pursuing adoption, decided to adopt within our race (for several reasons that I won't go into today). But even with that there is no way that I could not have taken this baby and loved her to pieces!!!

During the interview she mentioned that she has no idea where her name came from or who even named her. Can you imagine?? That is just sad!! And at one point her birth mother stated that she was a beautiful baby and this made her cry. Why? Because she had never heard that before. Growing up she had no history, no connection to anyone. She had mannerisms and characteristics of family members that she did not even know existed. The whole situation brings tears to my eyes. This brings me to why I worry.

Will Maddie ever feel like she doesn't belong? Will she wonder about the biological family? Will she notice that her laugh is unique and wonder where it came from? Or that her characteristics are not like ours entirely and feel "different"? Maddie was not "adopted" in the traditional sense and I pray that she will feel secure in knowing that she was loved and wanted before she was ever conceived. I hope that is enough for her, but I can't help but worry a bit that she will feel like she doesn't belong.


  1. I have the same fears with all 3 of my boys.I think about it more as they get older.(they come from 3 separate genetic families)They will have the comfort of having each other and knowing how each other feels since they are all adopted,but in different ways.All I can do is love them with all my heart and pray that God takes care of the rest.((hugs))

  2. I have wondered this as well regarding our potential future children. I sometimes feel guilty because of it, as if by adopting them I'm somehow "stealing" them from their genetic families. But then I think about the fact that their genetic families, for whatever reason, are not able to give them a home, and that has nothing to do with me. It is my children's life story to be raised by people not related to them no matter whether we adopt them or someone else does. The best thing I can do is be sensitive to this issue and open to their feelings, helping them explore and accept the way they feel and the things they've missed by not being raised by their genetic parents

    It does make me sad to think of any pain my future children might experience. But I figure, who better to help them cope with not knowing their genetic family than someone who has learned to cope with the pain of never knowing one's genetic children? Maybe our pain has been preparing us to be the parents these children need all along.

    At least that's what I hope.

  3. I'm adopted and I came to know one (of several) half siblings later in life. I always felt a part and yet different from my adoptive family; finding my half sister and getting to know her, even in the limited capacity I've done (there is a large age difference (I'm oldest) and a large distance between), it was amazing to find the similarities between two women who had never met, talked, or raised the same.
    That being said, had I been raised without the extended family who did their best to make me know I was different, I dont believe I would have felt that way. My parents, grandparents, and immediate cousins never made me feel different. That, I think, will make all the difference in your family.

    However, I wouldnt be surprised (assuming you tell her she is adopted as an embryo) if she seeks out her "biological" family. It is only natural to want to know that. I know it hurt my parents when I decided to look, but, at the end of the day, they are my parents, their history is the one I know and accept as my own. I may not be "biologically" native american (although I am biologically irish, so that's easy enough), but I was raised that way and my children are being raised to know THEIR native american heritage.

  4. I have often wondered that too about embryo adoption. We have considered it. They don't have that seperation at birth. But there has to be that question of who you look like and where you came from. But then again, every child is different. Some don't care and some do.

  5. I have wondered that myself, especially that our 'adoption' is not open. Our embryos were donated to the clinic who gave them to us - we have no hope of finding the genetic family. In fact, the genetic parents aren't a family even - our embryos were concieved with donor egg and donor sperm. There might be siblings - I don't know if the couple using the donor sperm/eggs was successful with their own embryos before donating them.
    But the difference here is that Maddie is loved from birth - and wanted from before birth. Not when she was a cute baby, but when she was a bunch of cells - you sought her out and gave her life. I'm sure our children may question their genetic heritage, but I pray they won't face the insecurities described by Oprah's sister. Maddie (and our children, hopefully) will grow up knowing she's loved, wanted, and ultimately,a child of God.

  6. I have that worry at times as well especially since we did a closed adoption...Will be praying for peace for you :)


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