Our journey through infertility, failed adoptions and now parenthood through the miracle of embryo adoption/donation.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

why don't you just....?

"Why don't you just adopt?"

"Why don't you just do IVF?"

For years I (eleven to be exact) I have heard varying degrees of the same two comments. Always from someone that has never had to deal with infertility. Both of these comments grate on my nerves. I want to scream each and every time that I hear them. Having partially gone through both scenarios (most of the way through adoption and now FET) I have begun to hate these comments even more.

The "just adopt" one bothers me on so many levels. First, there is not "just" about it. There is nothing easy about $20,000+ in fees, home studies, physicals, and forms. After that there is the agency combing through your personal life and history, deciding whether you are parental material or not. They walk through your home, check your credit history, run a background check, and take your fingerprints. Then you wait. And you wait. After that you have the women looking for a family for their child reading your profile, judging your pictures, your fate as a mother in their hands. Once you are chosen you go through the awkwardness of meeting this woman whose child you want to take home. Your heart breaks because you know that in order for your dreams to come true, her life has to be shattered. I am 100% for adoption, but the attitude of "just adopt" is ignorant to say the least.

Now onto the "just do IVF" one. After doing a frozen embryo transfer, which is a lot of work but nowhere near what IVF is, this comment has since gone to the top of my "what I hate to hear" list. Obviously anyone that says this have never, ever done IVF. Ever! In case you are in that camp and do not know, let me shed a little light on it for you. I can only speak from my own experience which is much less than IVF. For months your life is controlled my medications and doctor appointments. You have to miss work and your entire life revolves around this procedure. There are ultrasounds, blood work and appointments. The medications are expensive!! Very expensive! And the shots are not fun. I am currently bruised from my left hip, around my stomach and onto my right hip. I have about a 4 inch space in the middle of my back that is not bruised.

To go somewhere I have to figure how long I will be gone, what meds to take with me, and where I will go to administer the shots. You can't just drop your drawers right there at the dinner table and shoot up! Well, I guess that you could, but you risk being escorted out by security! You have to reorder medications in time for them to arrive before you run out. No running to the local pharmacy for you! You have to keep track of which med on what day and which gauge needle for each medication. Your life is consumed with this! Again, there is nothing"just" about IVF/FET.

Don't get me wrong, I am exceedingly thankful for the technology that has allowed me to get pregnant with this little one. Without IVF there would be no bambino for me. Many couples would remain childless without it. But to say "just do IVF' is like saying to "just go to the moon".


  1. Ignorant people make ignorant statements. My top "hate phrase" is...well you can just try again, after each miscarriage. Or..."Well at least you were only ______ months" Yuh...shut up people if you have never been through it!

  2. Can I add my least fav. - "now that you're adopting, you'll probably end up pregnant." Sooo sick of hearing that!

  3. When my MIL found out we were adopting, she asked why didn't "just" do IVF. What she didn't know was that we'd already tried it and it ended in miscarriage--but I did give her the litany of the expense, the 40+ injections for one cycle, the frequent doctor visits, the actual surgery that is egg retrieval--and that actually shut her up, no easy task with my MIL! So dumb, the things people say!

  4. SO frustruating! Especially that "now that you adopted you'll be pregnant any day now" comment. Really?! I think people feel odd, don't know how to react, and think that they're sounding "positive"... like there are other easy options. When really, they're uneducated 90% of the time & have no real idea what real options are out there... and the HELL you have to go through to get to them. Talking to people that aren't infertile about infertile things is often times as fulfilling as beating your head against a wall.

  5. I agree!!! That is one of the worst things that I hear people say!! "Why don't you just..." and the thing is the people that say it are the ones that don't have a clue!!

    On another note :) I gave you an award on my blog!

  6. I missed that!! Thank you, The. Mrs.!!

  7. ...and not to mention the emotional roller coaster that goes along with each! Ugh.


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