A forum friend that has a beautiful baby boy through the miracle of embryo adoption recently asked the question: Where do we fit in? Are we considered to have primary infertility? Or secondary infertility?
Primary infertility is a term used to describe a couple that has never been able to conceive a pregnancy after a minimum of 1 year of attempting to do so through unprotected intercourse.
Secondary infertility, it generally remains an unacknowledged and invisible condition. Secondary infertility is defined as the inability to become pregnant, or to carry a pregnancy to term, following the birth of one or more biological children.
This question gave me pause as I had no idea how to answer her. I am carrying a child, but it is not my child biologically. Since I can't conceive a biological child then maybe I am considered to still have primary infertility. But yet, I AM carrying a baby, so maybe secondary is more where my I fit in now. I guess that it really doesn't matter, it is just a title. In the end I will bring home a baby that I will love as my own. Though I will admit that embryo adoption does bring its own set of questions and emotions that many of us never realize until we are in the process.
In the beginning I was so excited to just be pregnant. And I still am. Very excited! But I was watching my 4 month old niece the other day and cracking up over her facial expressions and how she is a miniature of her father. There is not denying his paternity! Now had I not seen her head pop out of my sister's lady bits I would doubt that my sister was even related to the kid!! But this made me think about the fact that our baby will not have genetic links to us. I won't look down at our sleeping child's angelic face and see my hubby's brows or my nose. I will admit, it made me a little sad. We all want to see a part of ourselves carried on in our children.
Then I thought about the important things that we will pass on to our children. We can teach them to have compassion, laugh often, work hard and most importantly to love Jesus. These are the things that will mean something one day. Not what color eyes they have or straight or curly hair. Regardless of the genetic make up of our child we still have the opportunity of leaving behind a legacy with our child. Though I still wonder.......am I considered PI or SI????
Good question. You're right. Your legacy is more important. But it still would be fun to see a mini-him or I. I will say that they do pick up some of our traits and sometimes it is uncanny how much they can resemble one of us in so many different ways. But I will say there are days when I see our sweet donor's kiddos or herself in the faces of our miracles. I'm just reminded to be so grateful to her as she has forever changed our lives. And what a beautiful woman inside and out. Our babies are so blessed to have us both praying for them everyday. It's hard to wrap my heart and mind around sometimes. But as our donor Mom said after spending 5 minutes in our home. "These are your babies. I was wondering HOW I'd feel, but I feel like a special Auntie. That I have a small bond, but these are truly your babies." And later that weekend she gave me the greatest compliment when she said, "You love these babies the way I would"! So, how you feel now will change as you meet your precious one. What a miraculous journey you've been so blessed to be on! God bless!
ReplyDeleteI would vote Primary Infertility, because it isn't a child that you and your husband conceived. It's kind of funny to think that I may be pregnant soon but still be considered "infertile". Anyway, I know your feelings exactly. It still makes me sad to think that our child won't have any of our features. But honestly, does it really matter in the long run? What we do get to pass on to our child will be the most important. Good post!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, the lady bits comment literally made me lol!
ReplyDeleteSecondly, you have no idea how often I hear that my (almost-adopted) son looks like my husband. haha I just say, "Hmmm...that's interesting." So, you never know! That little one could come out looking a whole lot like one of you!
You shared some of the same thoughts that have crossed my mind, especially since the process is moving along. Like you I won't be able to look down and see any of my our features but we'll be able to pass on much greater things!
ReplyDeleteJess,
ReplyDeleteI know I am late in coming to the party but let me first start by saying... CONGRATULATIONS! I am so excited to hear that you are expecting a child! you are going to be such a great and sassy mom! : )
Your child will be yours even when they don't look like you! I still get told that my KOREAN adopted son has "my eyes"... to that I say... "I wish! His eyes are beautiful!"