I have debated whether or not to post this as it is very personal, but if just one woman reads it and finds that they are not alone then it will be worth it. We started this journey 11 years ago. In those 11 years I have dreamed of many things: how I would tell my hubby, where I would register, how I would decorate the nursery, what I would name the baby, etc. I was going to glow from the moment of conception. I would have a beautiful baby bump. I would not stop smiling. Life would be perfect. I think that everyone that plans a pregnancy thinks this way, but when you have 11 years to fantasize about it it really grows in proportions. You think that since you have waited so long, suffered so long, that you will be the best pregnant woman ever! And those around you expect it of you as well. You are to embrace your morning sickness and swollen ankles. You are to smile through your fatigue and laugh about your mood swings. For some reason we (infertiles) have lost the right to be less than perfect.
I think that part of this stems from the insecurities of infertility. We ourselves wonder what we ever did wrong, why God would not bless us with a child. Other people (the insensitive ones) may have even pointed out to you that there must be a sin in your life preventing you from conceiving. Or that you are doing it wrong, or not trying hard enough. All accusations pointing fingers at your imperfections. Now that you are pregnant you must rise above all others and be perfect. If not, then the finger pointing begins again. Maybe "they" were right, that God had a reason not to give you a child since you don't look happy everyday now that you are pregnant. Whether anyone thinks that or not is irrelevant. Infertility has left scars and getting pregnant does not erase them. You assume that other people are judging you. They did before you were pregnant, why not after, right?
Since getting pregnant I have been very unhappy. Oh, the first week or two euphoria carried me through. But since then a sort of depression has settled in. I am still happy about the pregnancy, but I am sad about everything else. Yes, I know that pregnancy hormones are to blame. And no, I am not wanting to harm myself or my child. My hubby, maybe!!! j/k But I am sad about life in general. If I was further along I would just "do" something to help me get over it. I would start preparing things for the baby, start buying items for him. But I do not know the gender and I want to wait until I do to start buying stuff. So instead of being proactive I sit here and do nothing. Classic depression. And to top it off, I am mean. Very mean!!! I don't mean to be this way, it just comes out. I am so irritable! Just ask...well, everyone! People hide from me and I don't blame them!
I know that, as an infertile, I have put too much pressure on myself for perfection. I also do not know how to let that go. The scars go too deep. I know that things will change along the way and that I need to relax and I am trying. So if you are out there and pregnant after infertility and life is not all roses, know that you are not alone.
Well, you know I'm not pregnant- but in a way I understand. I just want to tell you that its ok to feel the way your feeling and that I'm praying for you.
ReplyDelete((((Hugs Jess))))You know I'm not pregnant either, but I can understand how those feelings of insecurity would creep in, and wreck havoc with your brain. Especially feeling the need to be the Perfect pregnant woman. If it were me, I would be feeling the same way you are right now.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Jess for being so honest with how you are feeling. I will be praying for you.
Once again, I really resonate with much of what you have posted. I, too, keep trying to "convince myself" that I should be happy - I am pregnant - God has answered my prayers for a baby at last! But I'm afraid the road of infertility does a number on us and it is just not that easy. Do know that as my pregnancy progresses(i'm 25 weeks now), I feel the happy times are starting to outweigh the weight of darkness - as we pick out baby furniture, paint the room, and start to feel the little one kick and squirm in my belly - it makes the journey all worth it. Hopefully you will feel the same way.
ReplyDeleteI know and you know that I havent experienced the all the trials you have gone through. But here is my advice. Forget what other people think. Ignore what they say! Embrace your pregnancy! Its wonderful and cruddy all wrapped into one! Enjoy every one of those feeling. If you feel like crud .. which you will being pregnant because those emotions take over your body.. go with it! Complain! Be Mean! Someday in the future you will joke and laugh about it! And it will become a funny cherished memory! ...It will all pass and the farther along it gets the more real it becomes and then you can put those energies into the room, the clothes, the stuff! I know it is easier said then done! But forget if people are saying stuff or thinking stuff... They always will no matter what! If you are perfect they will still say stuff! There are things you should take time to mourn! There are things like you were talking about seeing traits in your baby that are either yours or yours husbands that you might not see. Take the time to mourn those things and let them make you stronger or able to help that one person that no one else could reach! Your babies get to physically read and see something that my babies will never see. They will never see the YEARS and TEARS and Heartache at how much they were wanted and ALL the things you went through to make them yours! My babies know they are loved but your babies get to really SEE how much you love them through this! Thanks for saying exactly how you feel!! I love reading your words. I pray it makes me more considerate and more aware of the people in my everyday life! I KNOW God uses you to help other people!! Praying for you!! Hang in there! And Happy Second Trimester!!!
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